To various fandoms, please remember this is based on the TV series, mainly Dark Shadows. Captain Daniel Gregg is very angry with his friend here. Lily Munster is also here and the Addams Family will be back for Episode 13 to help Victoria Winters. (In the Dark Shadows film of 2012 they merged Victoria and Maggie, but in the TV series they are separate.) This is likely the darkest of all of my episodes so far.
I apologize to other fandoms for being such a nut-case in my podcast intros but I've mainly had fanatical Dark Shadows fans to talk to and that gets beyond rough! (Remember, it's a soap opera. UGH!)
The audio version is at iTunes, archive dot org and podomatic. (All the links can be found on my profile page if you click on my author's name.)
Thank you for reading and reviewing.
The Pit of Ultimate Dark Shadows Episode 12: Dark Therapy
With deep appreciation toward reincarnation research; no slight or ridicule intended.
MILLIGAN: Good evening, or morning, or afternoon… wherever you are in the world. My name is Sir Simon Milligan and-
HECUBUS: Hee hee hee… I just keep racking them up! (scribbling noises)
MILLIGAN: Oh, Hecubus, what are you on about now?
HECUBUS: You said "my name is", Master, you usually say I am Sir Simon Milligan.
MILLIGAN: (peeved) Then why don't you say it yourself and score another one? You interrupted my introducing you again, anyway.
HECUBUS: Of course, Master! Hello! My name is Hecubus, minion of the Darkness Pit!
[audience hoots and hollers]
MILLIGAN: And we welcome you once again to the Pit of Ultimate Dark Shadows. Tonight we are deeply delving into some serious gloom and a plummet into the shades and specters of this story.
HECUBUS: Oh dear, Master, you make it sound like there won't be many laughs to be had.
MILLIGAN: There won't.
HECUBUS: But Master, what darkness could be so deep that it misses reaching the funny bone?
MILLIGAN: Well! That depends on your perspective. You see Hecubus, we've often been rubbing our hands over the sinister regions of the human mind. Upon this new endeavour, we've also been analyzing the human soul… but TONIGHT! We are investigating the deepest regions of… BOTH.
HECUBUS: Ooooo! Sounds scary, Master.
MILLIGAN: It is and that is exactly why we are here!
[Dark Shadows theme music plays]
HECUBUS: And now we shall help our listeners along as the evening is a lengthy one and our road is perilous.
MILLIGAN: Yes. I don't know if any of you out there have ever explored an all-nighter with a good friend, or a devilish enemy, but you know that the only parts of it worth telling are the highlights. So my devious assistant and I will be helping to fill the gaps of this special session into the past-life hypnosis of Maggie Evans. Let us continue at the Evans home where Doctor Hoffman is making sure that they truly desire this to happen.
HOFFMAN: (cautiously) Now, you do realize what you're asking for is rather unorthodox and I don't have the necessary experience?
SAM: That's why I need to be here, too. Believe me, I've had enough experience to know what to look for.
HOFFMAN: All right. I wouldn't normally take this chance, but one can hardly argue with the ghost of a little girl.
SAM: Heh, yes, it's all terribly strange but if that Sarah is for you being here too, it somehow boosts my confidence. Though I'm sure it won't be pretty.
MAGGIE: Could we talk about something else? I'm trying to relax and all that talk is making me nervous.
SAM: You're right. (chipper) So! How about those Black Bears?
SAM: You know, the University of Maine team.
MAGGIE: (laughing) Well, that's a start! I feel a bit better… (wary) Pop, I'm scared. When this is all over, will I remember you?
SAM: Yes, and I think more than you know.
HOFFMAN: All right, just relax and we'll go through this step by step. Now, you see this medallion, pretty isn't it?
HECUBUS: And Dr. Hoffman does her voodoo that she does so well, as Maggie gently drifts into a trance.
HOFFMAN: (warmly) You're going back further, to the time of your birth, and a little further back and a little further. Now, what do you see?
[Sounds of war fade in.]
MAGGIE: (petrified) Sie kommen jetzt nach unten! Lauf für ihn!
HOFFMAN: What? Who are you?
MAGGIE: (vague though determined German accent) My name is Hansel Bachmeier… although some in the Empire call me Jaeger.
HOFFMAN: (voice lowers) Mr. Evans, is this…?
SAM: (steady but shocked) Whoah… if I wore a monocle I think it would have just dropped into my cup.
HOFFMAN: Hansel, what is the year?
MAGGIE: It is 1918… but don't ask me v'at day. I haven't known what day it is for too long… oh, here it comes again, get down!
SAM: Doctor, we'll have to press on.
HOFFMAN: Hansel, it's all right. Nothing can hurt you here; you're in a safe place. Go back further… you're getting younger…
MILLIGAN: And later, after the three do some necessary plodding through Hansel's life…
SAM: (quietly) This is getting stranger. I have a son?
HOFFMAN: (quietly) Mr. Evans, you told me you knew about this. What were you expecting?
SAM: Not a double-agent to the Kaiser, that's for damn sure.
HOFFMAN: All right, Hansel, you're safe and going back a bit farther still, and a bit farther. You're in a safe place, now go back to the time of your birth and a bit further, and back far enough to—
[Gentle music fades in.]
MAGGIE: (pleasantly) Yes, you were speaking to me?
HOFFMAN: Um… sprechen sie Deutsch?
MAGGIE: I'm not sure I understand you. Is that German?
SAM: Phew… okay, we've moved on…
HOFFMAN: Who are you?
MAGGIE: My name is Kitty… or is it? I must be having delusions of grandeur… oh, what a lovely portrait… (sadly) oh dear… why is he so late? Must I stay here? Or should I go… but where would I go? …I suppose… I suppose… I shall end it all, now.
SAM: Better catch this one before it fades. I have a feeling we're getting close.
HOFFMAN: Stay with us. Don't end it, Kitty. You mustn't fall away.
MAGGIE: Fall? I'm not going to fall… or am I? No, I shall drink this poison… or… shall I jump?
[George Shearing's rendition of "This Nearly Was Mine" bleeds in.]
HOFFMAN: Don't do either, just stay with us. Now where are you?
MAGGIE: I'm at Collinwood.
SAM: That's good, that's where we want to be.
HOFFMAN: Collinwood? (lowers voice) Mr. Evans it would really help me to know the name of the incarnation you're looking for.
SAM: That's the problem. She has to say it herself for me to be sure. Ask her why she's not sure who she is.
HOFFMAN: Kitty, are you sure that's who you are?
MAGGIE: Well, they also call me Lady Hampshire, but that's not what I call myself anymore.
HOFFMAN: What do you call yourself?
HOFFMAN: (shock) Josette?
SAM: The last name, we need the last name, Doctor.
HOFFMAN: What is your last name, Josette?
MAGGIE: Oh… dear… I'm not sure… that was another time, so much further back… or was it? What does the calendar suggest?
SAM: Josette… Savez-vous de moi?
MAGGIE: I'm not sure. Do I?
HOFFMAN: (lowered voice, confused) Mr. Evans, is that French you're speaking?
SAM: Only a little. Take Kitty back further. We're on the right track now.
HOFFMAN: Kitty, can you go further back? Back to-
MAGGIE: Barnabas Collins?
MAGGIE: (quavering) He's here… in my room… I… no, it's her room. I've come to confront… (detestably) her.
HOFFMAN: What's going on?
MAGGIE: (distraught) He's here. NO! Don't come near me! I can't fight both of you!
HOFFMAN: Both of who?
MAGGIE: Barnabas AND Josette.
MAGGIE: A girl who died 100 years ago!
HOFFMAN: ONE hundred? What year is it, Kitty?
MAGGIE: It is… 1897. And I am Lady Hampshire…
HOFFMAN: Yes… yes you are… now. Go back further… don't worry. Nothing can harm you. Go back in time to your childhood… keep getting younger…
[Music fades out.]
HECUBUS: And as I continue to collect more names we find that our poor and worn out soul has finally suddenly shifted back to something very sinister indeed in her current lifetime.
[Dark Shadows brooding music.]
MAGGIE: (angry) No! I'm Maggie Evans, that's who I am. I'm Maggie… Maggie… Maggie! Why is he keeping me here? Why doesn't he know who I am? My entire personality is meaningless to this… this… leech!
HOFFMAN: I'm going to take her out of this.
SAM: No, Doctor. She's fighting something. There's something blocking the other lifetime.
HOFFMAN: How can you be so sure?
SAM: Trust me, Doctor, we're getting to more than one truth here.
HOFFMAN: I don't know what you're after, Mr. Evans, but if it wasn't for the four of you pushing me, I'd have quit over an hour ago. The human body isn't a time machine.
SAM: No, Doctor. The human body is not.
MAGGIE: Leeches… why does that remind me of something… like being ill… ? And why… Josette Collins… no… not Josette Collins… That's not my name. I'm Maggie Evans! Maggie! MAGGIE! (fragmenting more) Willie? Willie? No… no he's left me… no he's gone… No… he's left me waiting here. (gasping) Why has he left me waiting here? (gasp)
[Steps on the stairs]
Maggie: (terrified) … he must be coming up… I've got to calm down…
SAM: Who's coming up?
MAGGIE: It's… Barnabas Collins.
[Music fades out.]
MILLIGAN: Holy smoke of the underworld! I knew he was evil but even I didn't know how evil he could be… That certainly wasn't polite. I'm not sure I'd want to play another round of bridge with him knowing he'd locked her up… or… maybe I would… no, only in my dreams. As you likely can imagine, Sam Evans upon hearing that his ages-gone potential son-in-law became a vile, kidnapping wretch, is well… not pleased.
HOFFMAN: Mr. Evans control yourself- you'll likely break her out of the trance and this could all end right here. Is that what you want?
SAM: (angry) Oh… I don't know why he would do that. That wasn't the man I knew.
SAM: That isn't the man I know. Anyway, (sighs) give her some time. Now, what I need for you to do, is keep that intact, and then we'll go back to Kitty and try again, understand?
HOFFMAN: Mr. Evans… what do you want me to do? Have her bookmark it or something?
SAM: Maybe I was wrong… maybe she isn't the girl I thought she was… but then, why all the other flashes of insight? And why on earth didn't he do more than show her that crummy music box? The room might of done it, but not by force. She was never there very long anyway. She's right… he didn't remember much about her at all.
HOFFMAN: What in the world are you talking about Mr. Evans?
SAM: (sighs agitatedly) Just some history research, Doctor … you know, your old specialty?
HOFFMAN: Thanks. Now… do you seriously want to continue this?
SAM: Well, those kidnapping memories are out now, and I'm not sure what could have kept her from remembering that earlier… You know something? When she goes back farther, let me handle it.
HOFFMAN: (sighs) If you insist… I just hope you know what you're-
MAGGIE: (calmly) Bonsoir…
[Ennio Morricone's "Lolita" bleeds in.]
SAM: (stunned) Doctor… I think it worked…
HOFFMAN: What worked?
SAM: That's what was blocking it. It was the trauma she repressed. She worked so hard at not being a faux Josette, why on earth would that have helped reminding her that she was… Tell me, ma petite demoiselle, who are you?
MAGGIE: (spacey) Mon nom est Josette DuPres… [Different line in audio]
HOFFMAN: No, that can't be…
SAM: And Josette, what year is it?
MAGGIE: The year is...is…
SAM: (quietly urging) Come on girl, you can tell me.
[Music fades out.]
MAGGIE: The year is 1795…
SAM: Bingo. … Now… where are you?
MAGGIE: At Collinwood.
HOFFMAN: (shock) No… that's impossible.
SAM: Josette… Josette… Look at me. Do you know me?
MAGGIE: Papa? Why… your face is so… hirsute…
SAM: (chuckling) Yes, it is a bit more… now, look around where you are… What do you see?
[Lolita (finale) by Ennio Morricone bleed in and overlaps as dramatic lines go on.]
MAGGIE: A cliff… That I was taken to… It was (break up in tears) to find…
SAM: What's going on? What's happening?
MAGGIE: (totally tears) I will miss you Papa… but I… don't want to become (tears) … a monster… like… like…
SAM: No… not again. Josette… don't!
MAGGIE: No! Stay away from me! I've seen what I will become!
HOFFMAN: (stunned) I've heard all this before…
MAGGIE: … but I… I just want… NO! I can't become that… and yet… Oh …my… oh… (screams, jerks, then gasps) [Screams!] (Hyperventilating) Oh… where am I? What—
HOFFMAN: Are you all right?
MAGGIE: Well… well, I… I think so… but I'm not sure…
SAM: Maggie?... Josette?
MAGGIE: Pop?... Papa?
MILLIGAN: And at precisely the same moment of this awakening, we have another one.
ANGELIQUE: (gasping awake) Oh… where am I? What is this…? so dark… (thumps three times) Out! Let me out!
[sound of coffin opening]
BLAIR: Shhh! Not so loud…
ANGELIQUE: Nicholas... Why did you put me in here? Do help me up.
BLAIR: My pleasure… now, venture over here to the mirror and take a look at how gorgeous you are.
ANGELIQUE: Nicholas, I've got to be in the wrong spot… I only see you in the… Nicholas? Nicholas? (screaming in terror) WHAT… HAVE… YOU… DONE!?
BLAIR: Hush, my dear. Perhaps we could have your likeness painted so you could see it? Or… well, maybe not. Why repeat the same old errors?
[Dark Shadows curtain fall music.]
MILLIGAN: And also, at The Old House, as Sarah and her brother investigate her room more after a game of which-hand-is-the-coin-in.
SARAH: Hmm, this isn't the same bedspread I remember. It looks the same, though. Barnabas, why is so much of this all worn down?
BARNABAS: (pleasantly) Don't you know? You've given me the impression that you always know more than you let on.
SARAH: It's not that simple. The things I know come and go… oh…
BARNABAS: What is it?
[thunder claps and rolls]
SARAH: They're awake now… they're all awake.
BARNABAS: Sarah… who's awake?
SARAH: Maggie and Josette and—
BARNABAS: Josette? How?
SARAH: And the other one… the lady who gave you the tea… for me.
SARAH: That's her name. I told you to keep your wits about you… don't lose hope… I'll be here… mostly.
MILLIGAN: And later on at the Evan's Cottage, a quite perturbed Maggie does NOT want a cup of coffee.
MAGGIE: (shakily) No thanks… oh… I wanted to know so bad and as usual… as soon as you find out what you wanted to know so bad… you wish you didn't.
SAM: I'm sorry… maybe it would have been better if we just had them all erased somehow.
MAGGIE: Then it would have all been for nothing. It's as though… (exhales)… A grands maux, grands remèdes?
HOFFMAN: What was that?
SAM: "Desperate diseases must have desperate remedies. "
HOFFMAN: (annoyed at herself) I should have known that one.
MAGGIE: If he just could have remembered who I really was… or cared about who I am now! Although… it's not as if I would have cared for that version of him… In any case… It's like men don't want a companion. I don't know why playing with dolls is considered such a feminine activity. Oh… sorry, Pop.
SAM: That's all right… I know what you mean. But I guess that works both ways, even in simple friendships.
MAGGIE: Yes… and I suppose Kitty… and Josette… (halts with slight weeping gasp)
MAGGIE: Oh, (weepy), saying the names… as if they were two other people…in third person… it's just that (sobbing speech) They're not third person anymore… they're… they're… they're me.
SAM: I know. It's going to be all right… I promise.
MAGGIE: Thank you, Pop… Doctor Hoffman, will you stay a while? I'm not sure I can sleep much with so many memories to other lives in my mind… these two in particular. Mind if we head to my room, Pop?
SAM: That's fine. I think a kidnapping, a cliff fall, drinking poison and then having both the flu epidemic and World War One combined is enough for you tonight, my dear… oh…Wait a second.
HOFFMAN: Wha- Why are you taking my medallion?
SAM: No more of that nonsense for tonight…
HOFFMAN: After all that? Well, I should say-
SAM: J-u-s-t humour me, Doctor.
HOFFMAN: (irritated) Fine.
[door shuts, metal clicking, pocket rummaging]
SAM: I'll just keep that right here. And… maybe I'll head out and have more than words with that Mister-… Hmm… what's this? (deep breath) Oh… Captain's compass… hmm, he must be in a mix up, too. Why on earth is it spinning like that?
[tapping noises, harp ripple]
GREGG: Phew! Oh my goodness… Andre… thank heavens I gave you that thing. I don't know where that woman put me but it wasn't a sound vessel.
SAM: (irritated sigh) Hello… Captain.
GREGG: Andre? There's no need to look at me like that after what I've been through for your sake.
SAM: (sighs) All right, but mind you, I've got a doctor in there with my daughter so this might not be the best time.
GREGG: Well, all they might hear is you, my friend. As you know, no one can see or hear me unless I wish it.
HECUBUS: And in Maggie's room…
HOFFMAN: Do you think he's all right?
MAGGIE: He's just really upset, sometimes he'll even holler at himself, best leave him alone.
MILLIGAN: And later on, after Captain Gregg and his friend hash out the details…
GREGG: It doesn't sound like you clearly remember everything you told me, Andre. Didn't you say it was a bloody woman who made all these dreadful things happen? (pauses, steps) Well, if nothing else, at least you can do some good with what you earned for that painting.
SAM: Oh, destroy that thing. (stomps over)
GREGG: (slap on wood) Belay that action, sir! You and I went through a lot together just so this booty could reach you. Don't you dare throw it away!
SAM: Pick up your hand and let me have that. How can I accept it from him, even to give away as a charitable donation?
GREGG: Because you almost died again, in one capacity or the other… and this incident brought us back together somehow. I may never have known you once more if you're memories hadn't been unlocked already… physical and spiritual. That anger gave you something unique of most mortal men, André Du… Sam Evans… so go ahead and be angry.
SAM: (pissed) Well I sure am! But I can't do it. I won't! You hear me, yah spook?
GREGG: (crazy angry) MAIL THE CHECK, ANDRE!
SAM: Why don't you do it if you're so hot about it?! The envelope is already filled out and stamped anyway.
[sound of paper rustling]
GREGG: Don't ask me how I sealed the envelope.
SAM: No, you're clothes are probably still damp enough you could use your shirt sleeve. You go ahead… without me.
GREGG: (determined) Oh, no Dupres, none of that. You need a blasted walk.
[door opens and shuts, footsteps]
GREGG: Now, tell me, why don't you remember what happened that night? You told me yourself he'd been cursed by that woman who wreaked havoc on everyone involved. You knew more than I can sort out about it all.
SAM: Daniel Gregg, I'm hardly in any capacity close to what I was then. I had no idea it was going to be as… mixed up as it was.
GREGG: But you knew it was going to be mixed up, Andre. You knew that.
SAM: (practically growling) Daniel, I don't know who to be more upset at, a pseudo-ex-vampire whom I'd once approved for a son-in-law, or… the hackneyed sorceress who made him that way.
GREGG: Well, you know where my loyalties lie. I was never a feminist… except, somewhat lately.
SAM: (scoffs) Yes, I do recall… now. Well here it is.
GREGG: Go ahead and do it. Put that money where your actions have been. One small little piece to anyone else who might be going through what you've been going through.
SAM: I can't touch the handle, Daniel. I just can't.
GREGG: Then allow me.
[blue mailbox door squeaking open… flitter… slam]
GREGG: (determined) And, remember, I may have opened it for you. But you mailed it. Now… we can have that drink.
MILLIGAN: And the long night continues, as the Captain leaves after his glass of Madeira and Doctor Hoffman exits Maggie's bedroom.
HOFFMAN: Well, that should be over and done with I guess.
SAM: Isn't it?
HOFFMAN: Mr. Evans… you know what scares me about her? Now that it's all out in the open, through all of that pain? She still loves him. She still misses him. She kept saying so as she drifted off to sleep.
SAM: She would, Dr. Hoffman. They were betrothed, after all.
HOFFMAN: Were they… really? (sighs) Anyway, she's finally asleep. It's been a long night.
SAM: Gets longer, Doctor. Have a seat. I need to know what you know. You didn't seem as shocked as I expected at hearing about the kidnapping… and… I might as well know everything.
HOFFMAN: (sighs) Well…
HECUBUS: And as you can imagine, upon the famous afghan, Doctor Hoffman gives Sam Evans her version of how she became involved in Barnabas Collins life through Maggie, likely leaving out certain details as to any guilt that can be placed upon her.
SAM: GOOD LORD! I'm glad that stopped. Why would you put up with all that, or do you particularly like being a man's throttle doll?
HOFFMAN: (snorts) I don't know, I think I was obsessed with my plans of curing him and then just got obsessed with him.
SAM: Well, sheez, who wouldn't? A hundred and seventy years in a coffin? Poor man.
HOFFMAN: (surprised) Poor man?
SAM: Yeah, I know, I can't believe I said it either, but as you may be speculating, I know him a lot more than you might think… heck, more than I thought I did. Though I was certainly wrong about him being a reincarnation…of… himself. Can you imagine it, I mean, really… imagine it? So many of the inventions we take for granted thrown into his life all at once?
HOFFMAN: I know. No cars-
SAM: (surprised) Cars? Not even that, the man probably never saw a damn steam engine! (snort) Toilets, telephones and good heavens… airplanes!
HOFFMAN: Mmm, hmm! Pop-up toasters, plastic bags…
SAM: How about just plastic?! AND PHOTOGRAPHS! No wonder he keeps hiring me. At least paintings he can understand. Then colour photographs, movies and television!
HOFFMAN: Flashlights, paperbacks, canned goods, aerosol sprays, electric razors…
SAM: How does the man shave?
HOFFMAN: You know, I've actually never seen him do it? Maybe all his hair just doesn't grow or something.
SAM: Goodness… I wonder at his reaction to a record album.
HOFFMAN: Ah, that was a little sweet, in fact. I remember he said Miss Winters was picking out some classical music that she liked. He recognized that. It didn't exactly startle him, but it did have a profound effect.
SAM: I'll bet it did!
HOFFMAN: Yes… I believe it helped Barnabas to recapture a lot of what he'd misplaced in his mind. So, of course, he really wanted a record player but… you know, the whole electricity thing over there.
SAM: (stunned) Electricity… Our lights must have put a good singe on his retinas for a while… (jovially) Ever show him an 8-track cartridge?
HOFFMAN: (Weary) Mr. Evans we could discuss this endlessly.
SAM: Tell me about it. The worst part is that box, and lying comatose in it that long. No wonder he couldn't remember Josette for who she really was. It sparked up and became a violent obsession… like a moth in a flame… that burned us all.
HOFFMAN: How are you handling this, Sam? You really seem like you've calmed down to the point of forgiving him.
SAM: Well, the culture shock is no small potatoes. I've had enough of my own in the last two weeks of supernatural broo-ha to believe almost anything. But the curse and the coffin gives me the creeps. And Cassandra or Angelique or whatever she wants to go by hasn't managed to win any sympathies from me yet. There is no way I can believe in a love that tries to destroy the person entirely, and then purposely wreaks more destruction on the friends and family too.
HOFFMAN: Isn't that what Barnabas Collins tried to do to Maggie?
SAM: Not exactly, but where do you think he'd picked up that kind of trait, at least for a while? The difference is he managed to stop. She just keeps going… If he became that horrible, I'm not sure I want to know what happened to Angelique… even more so. That's the thing about words and actions, they do affect people and their behaviour changes a lot. (sighs) It's a matter of exposure, you know.
HOFFMAN: I thought I was the psychologist.
SAM: Right, and didn't you change coming to this crazy place? (snort) A bit more of a mess than your well ordered, hygienic snake pit at Wyndcliff, isn't it?
HOFFMAN: Hmmph… So why is everything changing now?
SAM: Because we're sharing up the pieces and we have a few… ghosts to play with, Doctor Hoffman… that's including ourselves. A little knowledge is a dangerous thing, but a lot of wisdom can work wonders.
HOFFMAN: Is that another French expression, Mr. Evans, about wisdom?
SAM: Eh, I think I just made it up… however this world has been around long enough with enough people in it, I'm sure it's been said before. As for Barnabas Collins it sounds like he's… what is that word…? For becoming used to another places customs… or the weather?
HOFFMAN: Acclimate? I guess he has, especially with Sarah's blessing. If she's back he must have made her queen of that place. Mr. Evans, do you think Maggie will ever want to see him again?
SAM: I have my doubts, but she's a unique girl, in either period. She doesn't like being thought of as a doll or an object. I guess that's why she sent poor Haskell packing. He almost could have gotten her if he hadn't started trying to control her too. Not that I mind… now… (confusedly) as he's begun to remind me of someone else from a long time ago.
HOFFMAN: I'm pretty sure I've figured out why you've been driving so hard at all this… and maybe with a coach and four instead of a car.
SAM: (amiably) Wouldn't you like to know… sister?
HOFFMAN: (smiling sigh) No… I think I'm ready to move on.
HECUBUS: Amazing… who ever thought Sam Evans could be so very wise?
MILLIGAN: Perhaps it's because he's a combination now, a further duality can change a person. And now we meet with a somewhat shaken Tom Jennings, arriving at the main house of Collinwood with some news.
ELIZABETH: Oh, hello, Mr. Jennings, rather late isn't it?
TOM: Well, I felt the need to get this news to Mr. Collins. Is he here?
ELIZABETH: Oh he turned in fairly early.
LILY: (delighted, as usual) Why, hello. What a dashing young fellow.
ELIZABETH: Oh, Mr. Jennings, this is my cousin Lily (under breath) please excuse her attire, she has somewhat of a fetish for peculiar costumes.
TOM: (off-handedly) Oh, that's all right. I've seen it all today. Good to meet you, ma'am.
LILY: And I you, but my, aren't you a bit troubled looking?
TOM: Well, I was working on the Seaview property and you won't believe this, but, well, Mrs. Stoddard, are you prepared for a rather unusual tale?
ELIZABETH: Ah, Mr. Jennings, with my own recent happenings… I think I have built up somewhat of an immunity for the strange and unusual. Won't you come this way?
TOM: Thank you. (steps) Well, I was expecting some equipment to be delivered but then this sassy guy walked in… had a tailored suit, dark hair, black moustache and a grin fit to wilt the garden.
ELIZABETH: Oh? Sounds like someone I've met. What did he want?
TOM: Oh, he had something dastardly in mind, I'm sure. Seemed to walk around like he owned the place.
ELIZABETH: Well, he doesn't, thank heavens. But you don't look as though this was really a single man that shook you up.
TOM: Oh, no it wasn't. As I was telling the guy to leave… in so many words… (clears throat suggestively) those noises in the house kept getting more and more extreme, and well… The two of us got a chewing out by this other fellow up the stairs. Couldn't believe the beardon the guy. With all the facial hair I've seen today I think I'll keep a sharp razor.
ELIZABETH: Oh, dear. What did the other man say?
TOM: Oh, he had a LOT to say. He called the first guy Blair and scared him enough to make him just about tap dance out the door.
ELIZABETH: My goodness! I know that name… Then what?
TOM: Well, I was almost out the door myself, but then he asked me to come back. He told me he was the inhabitant of the place, mentioned a bunch of names and gave me a few pointers of what to keep in the house and what to take out of it. He wasn't so bad after Blair left. Claimed his name was Caleb Collins.
ELIZABETH: Oh… my… I think you may have stumbled on to…
TOM: A family…
ELIZABETH: Ghost, Mr. Jennings, or did you see anything to indicate otherwise?
TOM: Wow… I thought you were going to think I was out of my mind.
ELIZABETH: That's why I made the suggestion first. I wanted to at least give you that benefit for your confidence. (sighs) What a week… I'm very sorry about that. We didn't think there would be anymore… disturbances over there. If you like we could pay you for the work and a little extra since it's obvious you won't want to go back there.
LILY: (cheerfully helpful) Oh, Lizzie, why not? In fact, we should have Mr. Jennings introduce us. Ghosts can be very helpful creatures if you know how to communicate with them and besides; he's family, isn't he?
ELIZABETH: Lily, please. What I know of Kooky Caleb… excuse me, Caleb Collins, is he didn't like strangers and wasn't all that fond of his relations either. I don't think he had a single friend in the world.
TOM: Oh? What about now?
ELIZABETH: I'm sorry. I don't quite follow you, Mr. Jennings. What about now?
TOM: He has me.
HECUBUS: That is something! Looks like every time Blair gets thwarted he manages to patch up relationships. That's somewhat polite for a demon, isn't it, Master?
MILLIGAN: Not intentionally, my twisted pixie, not on purpose. What with everyone so tired now we must venture into the following day, as Barnabas and his sister explore the ocean view together once again. Sarah manages to get caught up in some play time of her own after pointing out one particular individual on the cliffs for her brother to talk to.
BARNABAS: Ah, Carolyn, how are you?
CAROLYN: Oh! Pardon me. I wasn't sure anyone else knew about this spot.
BARNABAS: I haven't come out here in some time.
CAROLYN: Yes, it's bit hard to ignore Widow's Hill from here, but one can manage. Who was that with you?
BARNABAS: Well, if your Uncle Roger hasn't told you, let's just call her an out of town relative, shall we?
CAROLYN: Oh, aren't you worried she'll fall or get a sticker in her foot?
BARNABAS: (with happy relief) I can assure you I am not. I don't believe anything can hurt her now.
CAROLYN: (contemplative) Oh… hmm… I think… I think I understand. Why don't you have a seat?
BARNABAS: Thank you. (sits)
[ocean waves roll for a few moments]
CAROLYN: You've been pretty occupied lately.
BARNABAS: As have you… it's noticed that Mr. Peterson and you have been seeing a great deal of each other.
CAROLYN: Oh, yes… it's been wonderful. He really seems to get me.
BARNABAS: Get you?
CAROLYN: Well, when I've been out with other fellows it's usually been formality and flattery and no one asks if there was much I wanted to do…
BARNABAS: Are you sure about that?
CAROLYN: (sighs) Not exactly… but… well, Tony, he… he was able to get me talking somehow. We were out here oh, was it a month ago? Anyway, later on things just began turning around so fast… like a bat out of- erm.
BARNABAS: (amused) … Hell?
CAROLYN: Sorry, Barnabas.
BARNABAS: (snorts) It's all right. Go on.
CAROLYN: Anyway, we got caught up in helping someone, then by proxy helping someone else and all the while, as we went, we were suddenly sharing life ideas.
BARNABAS: What kind of ideas?
CAROLYN: Oh, plans about… about… what we wanted to do – but not the kind where you map out your entire life with marriage or a house, or cars. More, what you would like to do everyday, or just now. Have you ever thought about that?
BARNABAS: Well… I didn't used to. I saw a sea of eternity stretching out to the horizon.
CAROLYN: Did you try watching boats?
CAROLYN: Uh-huh, look at that one.
BARNABAS: It's a schooner, isn't it?
CAROLYN: Yep, getting a bit risky over there, but I'm sure it'll manage. Anyway, the boats tend to go across here, not a lot of cargo, but enough. It simply goes along the coast with gentle grace, running into occasional snags, but making its way well enough. No major challenges, no wandering over the Atlantic.
BARNABAS: You're right. There is a certain elegance there. Why do you mention watching the boats?
CAROLYN: It's something you could try. Stop looking toward the horizon so much. The waves on shore, the breeze through the plant life… Couldn't that be enough?
BARNABAS: It could… funny… here you are giving me advice, but I meant to try and be of some help to you.
CAROLYN: Help me? How?
BARNABAS: I wanted to tell you how much I enjoyed seeing you happy. And… I wanted to ask if you could ever forgive me.
CAROLYN: For what?
BARNABAS: (sigh of reluctant relief) Well, that's settled, then. If you don't remember…
CAROLYN: I do remember… most of it. I suppose I was rather vicious back then anyway.
BARNABAS: Hardly. Maybe before, but if my mother was going to marry such a greedy charlatan, I myself might have found someone of wayward persuasion and gallivanted about. That was a coping mechanism. But me—
CAROLYN: Oh? You haven't been overwhelmed? Sleeping and chained up, then getting thrown into the middle of a world filled with rumbling machines, women doctors, zippers, and electric lights? I might have gone mad from the shock. I remember the story you told Dr. Hoffman. You barely got half of it right, until Victoria came back out of that frightful séance.
BARNABAS: (aggrieved) I wasn't much better after that either. It was unforgivable.
CAROLYN: I don't think you need my forgiveness, Barnabas. But I'm willing to give it if you can manage to be forgiven by someone else.
CAROLYN: You've got to tell her. She has to know.
BARNABAS: How did you know about that?
CAROLYN: I may not have a fancy degree, Cousin, but I'm not stupid. If I hadn't thought you'd changed, though, I wouldn't even suggest it to you. Someone had to have kidnapped her. If it was Willie Loomis you must have known, and if it was you… well, I suppose I'm asking you and Maggie for quite a challenge. If she doesn't know soon she'll eventually remember. That's what happens when you bury things, Barnabas; something else grows in its place, and it might not be what you'd like.
BARNABAS: I see your point, deeply. Well, as of last night, I think Doctor Hoffman may be helping her to find out about that.
CAROLYN: (surprised) No… Really? And you approved of this?
BARNABAS: With reservations, (lightly thankful) but I had a very kind person persuade me.
CAROLYN: I think your gaze in that direction explains it all. That little girl must be Sarah… and she must be a ghost, and, if the family diaries have explained anything to me, she must be your sister, too.
BARNABAS: No, Carolyn. You are most assuredly not stupid.
CAROLYN: Thank you. I think you've finally managed to earn some respect from me.
BARNABAS: And I thank you. Your advice is quite sound, indeed... Hmm… Well I suppose since we've indulged in total honesty… you may… need… to … accept… something else that might disturb you.
CAROLYN: Oh no… What is it now?
BARNABAS: (whispers in her ear)
CAROLYN: What? Jason? He didn't leave town?
CAROLYN: Willie was there? And… oh! … You mean… he's never coming back? Jason McGuire is never coming back?
BARNABAS: Yes. I'm afraid I hadn't much choice at the time.
CAROLYN: (stunned) You? Took? Down? Jason? Mcguire?
BARNABAS: Yes. I thought you might have known, but I don't believe there was any evidence of that.
CAROLYN: (exasperated) Why? How could I ever forgive you for that?
BARNABAS: (sorrowfully) I thought not.
CAROLYN: (shuddering) I … I can only thank you for it!
[ruffling clothes of a hug]
BARNABAS: Well, good heavens!
CAROLYN: Oh, Cousin Barnabas… what did we ever do without you?
BARNABAS: I have wondered that.
CAROLYN: Well don't wonder too much. You might end up like Victoria, slip into the past and find out!
BARNABAS: Indeed! Well, shall I leave you to your view?
CAROLYN: No… let's just sit here for a little while.
[ocean waves fade out]
HECUBUS: Now that was chilling sweetness.
MILLIGAN: Yes… maybe I could play another round of bridge with him… except…
HECUBUS: Except what, Master?
MILLIGAN: I'm afraid the rest of his day won't turn out so very well, as Dr. Hoffman arrives at the Old House with her report. But first, a little discussion between brother and sister.
BARNABAS: (gentle, loving) Have you having a good time, my dear?
SARAH: Oh, yes. I wish I could stay longer.
BARNABAS: Why can't you?
SARAH: I'm afraid that isn't how it works. It's a curious place where I've been.
BARNABAS: (thoughtful) Is it? I suppose I will discover it myself one day.
SARAH: You could come if you want, but I'd rather you didn't.
BARNABAS: (kindly) What do you mean? Be a guest in some stately home you've got there?
SARAH: No. I'm afraid that if you did come, you couldn't be a guest. You'd have to be a… a…
BARNABAS: A resident?
SARAH: Yes. But we'd be together you know. I'd make sure of that.
BARNABAS: Oh? I oft'times wonder why you are called a ghost. To me you'll always be an angel.
[door knocker hits]
BARNABAS: Hmm, I suppose my usually trusty butler is unavailable…
SARAH: I'll get it.
[squeak of cushions, pattering footsteps, door opens]
HOFFMAN: Why, there you are. Sarah Collins, always a pleasure.
SARAH: Thank you, Doctor.
[steps, door shuts]
HOFFMAN: And how are you enjoying your visit?
SARAH: Very well, but I don't think you're really here to talk to me, are you?
HOFFMAN: (sighs) Correct, as usual, Miss Collins.
SARAH: Here's the doctor to see you, Barnabas. Now remember what I said, don't give up hope. There's always an answer to everything.
[steps treading into distance]
BARNABAS: That isn't a very reassuring expression, Julia.
HOFFMAN: You're right. What a contented smile that just dropped off your face. So, [sits] are you prepared for a shock?
BARNABAS: I've had so many good ones, I'm not sure how I will manage another bad one again.
HOFFMAN: Well, Mr. Evans wasn't really kidding when he made those wisecracks about reincarnation to you.
BARNABAS: Oh? Oh… Wait… then what did he mean? What did you find out?
HOFFMAN: You've certainly got a genius for making romantic blunders.
BARNABAS: And you have a remarkable method for side-stepping the issue. (tremulous) What did your hypnosis session disclose about Maggie Evans?
HOFFMAN: (quiet tone) The girl you kidnapped… to force-feed an idea of being some china doll of the woman you loved, yes?
BARNABAS: (getting peeved) Yes… the point, Doctor?
HOFFMAN: She actually is… the woman you loved.
["Carnival of Souls" vocal version by Verne Langdon as closing theme]
The Carnival of Souls
If your world has crashed around you, and your hopes and dreams are gone;
If you wish your life was over, but it drags you on and on,
Then lock up your heart forever, with all your ruined goals.
Throw away the key; come along with me to the Carnival of Souls.
It's an easy thing to cash in, all your chips and buy a ride.
And the kind of life you lead doesn't leave that much to hide.
When your flame grows dim with darkness, and alas, a lone bell tolls,
Listen well to me: that bell tolls for thee from the Carnival of Souls.
But think twice before you enter. Once you're there, you can't return.
For the world as you know it, has the hardest thing to learn.
And the heartache and the sorrow, will stay warm like glowing coals.
Yes it's sad but true, they're a part of you... in the Carnival of Souls.
All Due Respect To:
The Kids In The Hall
The Ghost & Mrs. Muir (1960's TV Show)
The Munsters (1960's TV Show)
And of course, Dark Shadows (1960's TV Show)
Sorry, no Clue… I think Wadsworth is kind of busy with Professor Stokes…