For Episode 13 we have Dr. Julia Hoffman and Barnabas Collins in a stare down of obstacles. Why DOES he love Josette and why is Maggie the key to that love? (Warning #1: Dr. Hoffman breathes a PG swearword, and since no one else would talk to me, Helena was in charge of allowing this swearword to happen. Thanks, sweetie.)

Next we have Wadsworth returning in this installment because after his evening with Professor Stokes, the latter has an ample idea of why Wadsworth and Willie Loomis should meet. (Warning #2: If you listen to this you may never watch the motion picture "Clue" the same way again.)

Sam Evans as Andre Dupres and Maggie Evans as Josette Dupres must hash out the problems they have been facing while the coffee is on the perk, and of course, they will do it in the winning way their relationship as father and daughter has always be held.

Lily is correct in her determination that her cousin Elizabeth must meet with this helpful, if blustery ghost, Caleb Collins, and he has more to say to the both of them then they might have expected. However, Elizabeth grits her stalwart teeth and carries forward. With all of the haunting in her household, *nothing* will stand in her way of understanding the truth about Victoria Winters.

Meanwhile, Victoria Winters is designing handiwork with Morticia Addams after Uncle Fester and she have a few words. Morticia has knowledgeable and understanding things to say of Collinsport and its residents, as well as coming to the realization of *who* and *what* Victoria Winters truly is.

As Dr. Julia Hoffman reaches Barnabas again, via the help of Professor Stokes, she comes to understand what her best-friend is agonizing over and now that it has sent him to draw himself over the edge? She will confront that factor with everything she knows at all costs. (Warning #3: Please do NOT listen to this episode while driving. Dr. Julia Hoffman has taken Professor Stokes automobile and is using it like a mad thing.)

Lily is with us, as always. Addams Family? I'm working with your people to try and keep you in the mix. Bewitched? You know how to time travel. Ghost and Mrs. Muir fans? I shall try to get Captain Daniel Gregg back by Episode 18. So far The Muse is telling me that Sam Evans is driving to The Stephens home around that time, so I beg and applaud you to bear with me. Thanks.

The Pit of Ultimate Dark Shadows Episode 13: A Balancing of The Humours

Though you may never see this… Kathryn Leigh Scott nee Kringstad; actress, writer and anecdotal marvel, this one is for you.

[Pit of Ultimate Darkness Theme]

MILLIGAN: Good evening! And welcome… one MO' time to the Pit of Ultimate Dark Shadows. I am your host, Sir Simon Milligan and we know that this episode is likely the one you want to get through quickly so I shall dispense with introducing my trusty manservant.

[boos and protests]

MILLIGAN: Oh all right, have it your way. This is all for you in the audience anyway… Manservant HECUBUS!

[hoots, applause and a cough]

HECUBUS: Thank you, I'm here to serve my Master aaaaaaand… YOU! Our audience who likely enjoys darkness and a little something extra that goes with it!

[hurrays… Dark Shadows Theme Music plays]

MILLIGAN: Now, what is in the cards for tonight's episode?

HECUBUS: Well, we have a rather dazzling display for you this time, both dramatic and well, a few chuckles to be had. As Wadsworth has disappeared from Collinwood, not that his master minds, it seems that he has struck up an evening with Professor Stokes and spent time relaxing at his home to defer various stresses caused by the bouncing kiddies at their romp in The Old House.

MILLIGAN: Aye, love them as we might, the noise is a bit troublesome to the nerves, even for such a well cut man as our servant… whom we still haven't squared down as either a valet or butler, but as you've seen before, we have made quite a combination of things in this little pit of ours.

HECUBUS: There's also a small matter of Caleb Collins, Master, and if Tom Jennings will make the introduction Cousin Lily suggested to Elizabeth Stoddard.

MILLIGAN: Yes, I have a feeling he has a few cards up his sleeve… or maybe somewhere else on his slightly solid, slightly transparent person. (sighs) But now, we must endure more drama and perhaps a few platitudes, as Hoffman and Barnabas are in one of their usual uproars about who he loves and why. This of course, has to do with the shocking discovery that not only are Maggie Evans and Josette Dupres the same, but that he managed to injure them both due to his transformation of being one of the undead. What with being fairly out of his mind both times, this series of events is beyond embarrassing.

BARNABAS: (sighs huffily) How could this have happened? Why didn't I know? I thought perhaps there was some kind of possession of Josette's spirit in there now… but this… this is beyond reason.

HOFFMAN: Again? Really? I've explained it as best I could, and even I don't half believe it after having seen it all for myself. (puzzling) I mean… If she was Josette all along… why didn't something trigger her coming out on her own?

BARNABAS: In all of my days… and all of my foul actions… I harmed her… I sent her away. Whatever powers she would have to help me I ended when I re-entered this house. I told her I claimed this house as mine. Her and my father's power had ended. I declared I was free to live the life I never had… whatever that may turn out to be.

HOFFMAN: (snarky) Ah… I s-e-e! Well, it turned out to be fairly ironic from the sounds of it. You banned Josette's spirit from the house… didn't you, Barnabas? If you did that in all of your petty angst, how WOULD Maggie have any triggers to remembering a previous life?

BARNABAS: (sourly) Yes… I did… for which I hope my heart may spoil…

HOFFMAN: (fed up) Oh, stop that self-defeating… aggrandizement, Barnabas… however much it suits you. The two of you are simply going to have to live with this… now… (sighs) What results do you expect from all of this?

BARNABAS: (resignedly) She'll likely come out with the Sheriff and that would be fitting.

HOFFMAN: (sighs) I don't think so. She knows too much and she knows it's too complicated.

BARNABAS: Of course she would. She's always been that way… what else did she say on this?

HOFFMAN: She kept going on about what was important under any circumstances. She was clearly concerned over how horrible you had turned out. But stranger, between both lives, was her anger that you didn't care about who she really was and… she said… what would be more important than the human soul?

BARNABAS: (exhales with frustration) Of course! She would say that! So long have I been persuaded by her intellect, her ingeniousness… and yes, her wit! But the spirit of her… the talent she has had for delighting in things of all matters, large and small.

HOFFMAN: How can you say that? What on earth do either of those girls have placed upon you? Why do you throw yourself into this companionship for so little?

BARNABAS: (indignant) LITTLE?

HOFFMAN: You wanted a china doll, Barnabas. When have you ever wanted anything more than that? What does Maggie OR Josette place on you? Why do you always go on about her so much?

BARNBAS: My mind was lost to me when I came out then… but I went back to her… because. It was her… sense of the divine…

HOFFMAN: Oh… you're joking! You continually go on about how perfect that damsel in distress is!

BARNABAS: (angrily) NO!

HOFFMAN: Well? Why do you go on about her perfection so much?

BARNABAS: That's not what it is… she has… something more than that.

HOFFMAN: How dare you? How can you claim that? And what the HELL do you want with her anyway? She's likely cast you off as a man with no heart! I am so tired of the perfection you already place on Maggie AND Josette. I'm tired of it! Why didn't you just let a story stop where it should stop? You already let Victoria go… and then you went back to Maggie again after I'd explicitly forbid it!

BARNABAS: (insinuating) And how did that happen, Doctor? Why didn't I listen to you?

HOFFMAN: Because… you were so confident… that I would do nothing… when I told you to stop seeing her again.

BARNABAS: Are you so sure that was me? Maybe having to confront her at that cost made all the difference.

HOFFMAN: (scoffs) I have really had it… What in damnation is so perfect about her?

BARNABAS: I told you…it's not perfection… it's the… divine…

HOFFMAN: Oh HORSE-S**T! I've been speaking to the both of them all night! What the hell is it about either of them that is so damned… perfect?!

BARNABAS: I didn't say perfect, did I, Doctor? I said divine… or don't you even know what that means?

HOFFMAN: Well, not what you mean by it, for all my imagination.

BARNABAS: Then it's not as fruitful as I thought.

HOFFMAN: Oh don't you side-step the issue with ME, Barnabas Collins. I told you that I talked to the both of them all night and I have a pretty good idea what might make either of them tick.

BARNABAS: Then I envy you, dearly, Doctor. For it is hard to explain what her own spell has cast over me.

HOFFMAN: Spell? You speak as though she were the real witch here.

BARNABAS: Perhaps she is. Or did that never occur to you?

HOFFMAN: Do you really feel anything for either of them?

BARNABAS: Everything… did you think I wanted to make her into a mould caste of the perfect woman? Did you think I wanted to suspend her from a diamond chain to wilt as so many other women of that day and age? Awakening in this lifetime was beyond my expectations and I've had to ask myself repeatedly why I continued wanting her and only her? Why would I have risked what I'd already gone through with her if it wasn't for something else?

HOFFMAN: Oh… and what was that something else? To make more Collins offspring and perpetuate the madness of this estate?

BARNABAS: No… to change it.

HOFFMAN: (stunned pause) What? Change it? Well… A lot of women could do that… is that what you want?

BARNABAS: (calmer) I see where your thoughts lie. Now… take my hand, Julia. You've been a friend and faithful companion but look into my eyes and tell me honestly… do I love you as more than a friend… or… above this estate?

HOFFMAN: (calmly) … oh… no…

BARNABAS: And honestly, do I care for you resembling in anything close to how I love her?

HOFFMAN: (dejected) No.

BARNABAS: And therein lays the difficulty… and the impossibility.

HOFFMAN: But… what do they… what does she have that wins your heart, really?

BARNABAS: Could it be nailed down to one thing? If you want more than beauty, charm, generousity, then how about humour?

HOFFMAN: (incredulous) Humour? Are you out of your mind? That's it?

BARNABAS: And what propels us beyond the absurd, Doctor? You tell me. Humour? Or Drama?

HOFFMAN: (sighs)

BARNABAS: And what else would change the diabolical austerity of this estate? The drama or the humour?

HOFFMAN: Damn you. How did you come to that conclusion after all these years?

BARNABAS: I knew it before. I knew it at home here and with my parents and with all this place stood for… And I saw it again when I came back… now, Doctor… Do you see the point?

HOFFMAN: (sourly) I do… but I don't have to like it.

BARNABAS: Exactly. And what do you think about my choices now?

HOFFMAN: That you've turned out far better than I ever gave you credit for.

BARNABAS: (warmly) Thank you. I have been very fond of you, too.

HOFFMAN: Well then, tell me this. When you married Angelique did you ever think she could have made those changes?

BARNABAS: (snorts) Do you think she ever cared for other people above herself, really?

HOFFMAN: Not from the sounds of it. Not at all… and I guess Josette…

BARNABAS: Precisely, she did … as does Maggie and… this is the point. The estate, family, both, or myself… What would all that be combined without her?


[awkward silence]

BARNABAS: Shall I expect Mr. Evans to come over with a revolver?

HOFFMAN: (laughing cough) Well, he's sobered and situated. I don't think there's too much danger of that… surprisingly.

BARNABAS: We can only hope.

HOFFMAN: (worried) What? Are you serious?

BARNABAS: Nevermind… now, what about Maggie? Even with all her knowledge and understanding. Any glimmer on that account?

HOFFMAN: You ask too much of me. I don't know her future thoughts. I've merely unlocked her past ones.

BARNABAS: If I only knew what she went through, perhaps I could. I think it's time that I was alone again. But… I do thank you for all that you've done. It must have been terrifying and if I had been there I would hardly have improved the circumstances.

HOFFMAN: Barnabas, are you going to be all right?

BARNABAS: Doctor Julia Hoffman… I have my sister again… my family… what more can I ask for?

MILLGAN: And so Dr. Hoffman very reluctantly leaves the Old House with certain plans to request assistance from another friend. Meanwhile… the friend she's looking for is a little busy. Professor Stokes and Wadsworth are now within Wyndcliff Sanitarium, after coming to an understanding during the previous evening.

WADSWORTH: I must thank you again for the generous offer to stay in your home Professor Stokes. I have to confess I was getting a bit affected at The Old House.

STOKES: That's just as well. It was worth it to have all this explained. From what Dr. Hoffman told me about Mr. Loomis, I was pretty sure I'd finally found the right man. That Willie certainly has a peculiar history.

WADSWORTH: And don't I know it? But, Sir, are you sure this will work?

STOKES: I have little doubt about it. You have managed to perform some miraculous feats since you arrived at Collinwood, Wadsworth. I think Mr. Loomis being able to see you might do the trick, indeed. (opens door) Ah, Mr. Loomis, you look well.

WILLIE: (slightly shaky) Why, thanks Professor. I am a little… weary of the pen, though.

STOKES: Then I'm happy to inform you of a visitor. Someone you might know and I will leave you two alone to resolve everything.

[door shuts]

WILLIE: Well… I… I… d-don't I know you?

WADSWORTH: I am afraid you may. Does the name… Wadsworth have any special memories, Mr. Loomis?

[Quirky music from Clue bleeds in…]

WILLIE: (mounting horror) Ohh… oh! W-a-i-t… Wait just a second… Now that was a long time ago! Y'can't be bothering me with all that now. I did like you asked me and I stayed out of that house.

WADSWORTH: Yes, you did, Mr. Loomis. And that was all for the better as far as things go. As it turned out almost every single person who came to the door was killed.

WILLIE: No. No. You must be pulling my leg.

WADSWORTH: And no surprises that you high-tailed it out of there when the chief arrived.

WILLIE: Hey there, you see y'never told me no cops were coming, did ya? Did ya? Yeh, cause you knew I wouldn't have stayed long if I'd a'known that.

WADSWORTH: Well, they weren't there for you, of course.

WILLIE: So… why are y'here anyway? Happy to see me locked up with the key thrown out?

WADSWORTH: No, Mr. Loomis. I'm here to help.

[Music fades out]

WILLIE: Help? How do you plan to do that? What's a guy like you doing out here anyway? Got a job at Collinwood or something crazy like that?


WILLIE: (surprised) What? Oh, then you're obviously here to stay and be my bunkmate, aren't ya? The place is more looney tunes than here. Must have made even you all cracked up… although, I gotta say I'd rather be there than here sometimes.

WADSWORTH: Mr. Loomis, I know this may come as a surprise to you but I actually have a job at The Old House of Collinwood.

WILLIE: (shocked) No… that's impossible. Why you…? How could…? Ya… Ya… Ya don't look bruised at all. You can't be as cool and easy as I knew you… if you're working for… Barnabas Collins.

WADSWORTH: But I am and there have been quite a number of changes there for the better.

WILLIE: (usual smirk-ability) HEH! A-hahaha! Now ya gotta really be joshing me. There's no way all the problems could ever be solved out there… not even half of 'em!

WADSWORTH: Oh, you'd be surprised, Mr. Loomis. We men of service have our secrets, don't we?

WILLIE: Service? P'shh… I'm more an odd job man.

WADSWORTH: (pleasantly) Ah, it seems that would have changed as well. I've kept tabs on you in one way or another. When I'd heard you coming together with that character Mcguire, I was sure it was all over for you. But then, I heard that you were practically a man of all work later. Something had turned around. I almost wanted to come out here then to see for myself. Of course, the other news came out and then I knew for sure I had a job lined up.

WILLIE: (scoffs) Oh… so keeping tabs on me to steal my job, eh?

WADSWORTH: No, not exactly. But I was quite curious as to why you'd gone down such a bad path again after changing direction as you did. Plus, from what I heard about the Collins family, and all its unbelievable circumstances, I knew it was the proper place for me to come.

WILLIE: (laughing) So that's it, is it? Wellll you must be as out of it by now as I got. With all that malarkey goin' down around there? I know ya thought ya could do some good at Hill House, and maybe ya did. I've had to deal with some blackmail in my time. It ain't the nicest thing to do people.

WADSWORTH: Well, I'd say I managed to at least straighten out that trouble for five people out of six. Those are hardly bad figures.

WILLIE: Oh, yeh? Ah, ha-ha… well… then what a shock… to discover I helped with something that turned out well… But Collinwood. That place is somethin' else. You know that Barnabas is a… is a… well, (lowers voice) a vampire.

WADSWORTH: Less so now, I think.

WILLIE: Oh? And there's that Roger Collins… he's r-e-a-l-l-y uptight.

WADSWORTH: Not anymore.

WILLIE: (confused) Uh… well how about that Carolyn, eh? Still flinging the boys away?

WADSWORTH: No, Mr. Loomis.

WILLIE: (exasperated) Huh… well, well, what about Maggie's father in town? Sam Evans? Is he still drinkin' up all the booze at the Blue Whale? He's probably dead by now.

WADSWORTH: You are incorrect about that, too.

WILLIE: (incredulous) Have you even BEEN to Collinsport, Wadsworth? There is no way that place could ever be happy. NO. WAY. I was there an' I know. If what yer tellin' me ain't scat, you have got to be from another planet all together.

WADSWORTH: Can you keep a secret-

WILLIE: Yeh, yeh, I know, and so can you!

[Quirky Clue music bleeds back in…]

WADSWORTH: If you can't believe me, Mr. Loomis, whom can you believe? I may not have told you some things but I don't remember ever lying to you. I thought that would have helped.

WILLIE: Eh… maybe it did for a while. You are such a darned charmer, you. Yep. Guess you ain't planning to pay for all the work I did, or the fact that those pesky dogs just about tore off my pants as I left.

WADSWORTH: If you like… I will be pleased to acquire a new set of trousers for you. And yes, seeing you better would make me very happy to reimburse you for the amount I owe and perhaps a little more besides, say as a bit of compound interest?

WILLIE: Well! You are full of surprises. You might as well shock me into having to stay here longer.

WADSWORTH: That's my concern, Mr. Loomis. If you were all right you could come back with me. I think it's become a nicer place than you remember.

[Music fades out again…]

WILLIE: Ha, ha! What, no more spooks?

WADSWORTH: Well… perhaps less volatile ones. Now I'm not saying all is perfect, but I think you've been dearly missed.

WILLIE: If you are telling the truth I'd be game, but there has to be something else to it than that.

WADSWORTH: Yes, we will have to allow our employer to make up his mind, as well as the staff here. But there is a challenge you will have to comply with.

WILLIE: AH-HA! I knew there was a catch… oh yeh, I just knew it!.

WADSWORTH: Can you imagine living in a good place, Mr. Loomis?

WILLIE: P'ff! No, actually, I can't. Do ya want me to try?

WADSWORTH: Would you be willing to live in a place that could be good if we worked hard to make it that way?

WILLIE: (snorts) You gotta be kiddin' me… Really, Wadsworth. You have got to be kiddin' me.

MILLIGAN: Hmm… looks like our Wadsworth had a little something up his sleeve he didn't tell anyone.

HECUBUS: Not only that, Master… he LIED!

MILLIGAN: OH! Well, perhaps it was more kept under his bowler hat than anything else. As far as I can recall he told Roger Collins that he didn't know Mr. Loomis at all… and when it comes down to that… who really does?

HECUBUS: Aw… I was hoping there was a little spark of something in our trusty butler.

MILLIGAN: You mean evil? Well there would have to be some knowledge of it if he managed to see Mr. Collins through the Adam and Dr. Lang period, of which we feel no real need to explore.

HECUBUS: Yes, Master! And that in itself is a little bit evil, isn't it? Our next stop explores the Evans home briefly, to see how our reincarnated Dupres are comprehending things.

[percolator sounds in the background]

SAM: Well… it's good to hear you laughing again. What a wild ride this has been and a lot of more to share on our old days, eh?

MAGGIE: (sighs) I know… and I understand how this could make you want to experience it with someone. It's too spectacular to be easily ignored. Why could it be that we or maybe I should say I, keep on coming back?

SAM: Well, I'm not sure you're ready for that information. I know I see it as something that needs to be straightened out.

MAGGIE: Well not with him. How I could ever trust him again escapes me.

SAM: Josette Dupres, you and I know, people can change. They really can. There has to be some reason the two of you keep trying through the ages and also without knowing it.

MAGGIE: (snorts) I don't think so… but… someday… I think I will have an answer to what's really been bothering me about all this… at least in the long run.

SAM: The very long run…

MAGGIE: Hmm… yes… But right now all I can think of is that dark place, and that room… which is confounding because as scary as it was… another part of me misses it for the first time I was really there. And I have to admit, I miss the crate, too. I keep itching to go through it… after all this time, knowing it's still there. But… that's not going to happen now.

SAM: Well, if nothing else I'm sure we can have it sent. There's no doubt about it now. Everything in there is obviously yours. And he's got to know that by today.

MAGGIE: (footsteps) I'm going to sit on the porch for a while. I need some fresh air to think about all of this.

SAM: Sounds good, but Maggie? Can you put something else into your thoughts while you're out there?

[door opens]

MAGGIE: Sure, Pop. What is it?

SAM: He didn't do all of those terrible things because he wanted to. He did them because that friend of yours, Angelique, was no friend at all. What she managed to do would set anyone to madness. She wanted him, destroyed both of our families, even if some was by proxy, and all because he didn't love her. He loved you.

MAGGIE: Hmm… (sigh) All right, Pop. (wearily) I'll add that to the pile.

[door shuts]

MILLIGAN: Ah, the Evans have deep troubles indeed. It will be interesting to see how they continue on in this manner. Now, onto our three individuals of the previous evening, who are entering the Seaview property in the hopes to find a ghost of crusty persuasion.

TOM: Mr. Collins? Mr. Collins?

[thumping stomps]

LILY: (delighted as usual) Well that sounds promising.

[thumping stomps come to halt]

CALEB: (Maine accent with British elements) Good job, Mr. Jennings. I think you knew what your role really was in all of this.

TOM: (pricked) Hey… now… Mr. Collins… wait a second…

CALEB: (resignedly) Stop worrying, Tom, you'll get a headache. A'course, I still admire you… and your gumption. It's only natural.

TOM: (with a "whatever" flair) All right, Mr. Collins. I'll get back to… the cans…

[shuffles off]

LILY: Oh, Mr. Collins, we've been wondering… we have a dilemma and perhaps you could help us?

CALEB: Ahh-Duh… I am a ghost after all.

LILY: OH! I knew that! I have the utmost admiration for specters willing to do good.

CALEB: (incredulous) Good? In Collinsport? You really aren't a resident, are you, Mrs. Muenster?

LILY: Oh… that's Munster, Mr. Collins.

CALEB: Why do ye even go by Munster? That's a French cheese! And you're husband had relatives from England, right? Shouldn't it be Muenster?

LILY: Oh… I see your trouble there. It's… well… a little detail that got confused on... Ellis Island.

CALEB: (resignedly) A' course… it would be. Now… as for you… my little mistress of the estate.

ELIZABETH: Oh? (self-composed) Uncle Caleb… were you speaking to me?

CALEB: Ha-ha-ha! Ah, good! You're still as wondrous as ever, little Lizzie Collins.

ELIZABETH: And… you're… just as kooky… if I know the family history well at all.

CALEB: Oh, yeh! YOU DO! I knew if you had the nerve to come and speak to me… there might be something right going on around here.

ELIZABETH: I have earned a little stamina in my time… and I fully understand what it's like to be a recluse, as you may well know.

CALEB: Oh, don't I? Yes… you've impressed me. Cooping yourself up almost as well as I've done… a'course you impressed me!

ELIZABETH: Well… I'm sorry if any visitors here have caused you to be anxious. I can see why it might have done.

CALEB: Uh-huh! Yeh, I know… That Victoria you hired… what an ironic circumstance. I have to wonder if you picked her for David's governess on purpose.

ELIZABETH: No, Uncle Caleb, well, not exactly. And I must ask… what interests you about her anyway? She can't have been in this house more than… thrice.

CALEB: Ohhh… I overheard those two bickering over the fate of her at the bottom of my stairs. Both seemed pretty protective.

ELIZABETH: Which two do you mean, Uncle Caleb?

CALEB: Pff! That Barnabas and Burke Devlin! Comin' in here and sparing words like they were rival brothers over one damsel! That was hilarious fer me! I knew the history… and fate of both of them at the time. Hilarious, I tell ye!

ELIZABETH: What were their fates?

CALEB: Oh, little Lizzie… Burke Devlin you know… but that Barnabas… sheesh, I could even call him MY Uncle! What a twisted spectacle of problems he's got!

ELIZABETH: Well, Uncle Caleb. Suppose we forget about the rest of our certain family for now and concentrate on the… unknown among them, yes?

CALEB: (self-assured) S-m-a-r-t girl, Lizzie… and ye always were. Why do you think I've been holding onto this house for so bleedin' long? Why do you think I've been watching you… and her? Why do you think I've been keeping all them so-dee bottles in the… well, maybe that's neither here nor there.

ELIZABETH: Uncle Caleb… I've come this far in believing the outrageous. Can you tell me… is she mine?

CALEB: (sighs) Of course, she is, Lizzie… at least as far as I can figure.

ELIZABETH: (sighs thankfully) Well… is there anything else you can tell us?

CALEB: (teasing) Looking for Leslie… aren't you? Had the time of your life in New Brunswick, didn't you?

LILY: Oh, Mr. Collins, it wasn't like that. There is such a thing as permissible passion, you know.

CALEB: And aren't you the proof, Miss Drake?

LILY: Oh! Well… I suppose I did a bit of encouraging. You can blame me if you want… wait… I haven't used that name since… since we went on that trip!

CALEB: Uh-huh… I seen yer collection of passports and you might as well use the name and face on that one as not! None of your English relatives want to recognize you anyway. Make yerself inconspicuous, girl!

LILY: Oh! Well… I'd… been planning on it, Mr. Collins.

ELIZABETH: Uncle Caleb, can we please stick to the point? If you can't help us, I won't know if anyone else can.

CALEB: A-s-k me anything you want little Lizzie! As you can see… I ain't goin' anywhere.

ELIZABETH: And why not?

CALEB: (sighs) It's one of the standard contracts of the underworld. One hundred years in or around your own home, at least most of the time. And I knew that, I tell ya, I knew that when I made out that will.

ELIZABETH: All right… let's say I believe you. Do you know… how Victoria is doing?

CALEB: Doing marvelously well, my dear, and sure to be on her way home soon.

ELIZABETH: Good. And now, where is Leslie?

CALEB: (annoyed) Why do you want to know about him, Lizzie? I already told ye! Victoria is yours or as good as yours! I knew she'd want this place and I knew she'd be ready for it by the time I was almost prepared to leave it!

ELIZABETH: Well, Uncle Caleb, you made out the will, didn't you? Don't blame me if I have to prove that she's worth it.

CALEB: Ye' got me again, little Lizzie Collins. I know… it's all my fault, as well it should be. (sighs heavily) He's in England and always was from there. Hee-hee-hee… just like your Cousin Barnabas… is NOT.

ELIZABETH: (agitated) Oh, Uncle Caleb, I don't care right now. Why must you go on about him so?

CALEB: (laughing) It's hard not to.

LILY: Well, he's got me curious.


CALEB: Ha-ha-ha! Smart girls… smart girls. Always liked 'em… when they didn't interfere. Now, you mark your maps for Dover, y'see? Check the military registry and there you'll likely to find your Leslie.

ELIZABETH: Thank you… Uncle Caleb…


CALEB: Just hold it, de-ah!

ELIZABETH: (turning about) What it is?

CALEB: You were right… not to tell your father. I wanted ye't'know that. Really. Jamison… he would never have approved… nor understood… and wrongly so. You can blame it on young Quentin's influence if you want. Heaven knows he had enough indiscretion in his life.

ELIZABETH: (sighs) Yes, I had a feeling. I do thank you, most sincerely Uncle. Now… anything else we should know?

CALEB: You'll want to get outta here soon. You girls don't need more to worry about with the pesky gargle of flotsam that's going to occur soon… (kindly) oh now, don't look at me like that. I tell ye' it's not going to make a peck of difference whether you're here for it or not. It'll just fret ye more and you have your own things to take care of.

LILY: (swish of skirts) You are most kind, sir.

CALEB: Yeh, yeh, y'take good care a'her… this time, Fromage!

[door shuts]

CALEB: Ah, Lizzie… my little sweet petunia.

TOM: Did you say something, sir?

CALEB: Yeh… how about I help you out with sorting those? And you can tell me about your family… at least… the parts I don't know.

MILLIGAN: And later in Dr. Hoffman's office which keeps collecting dust.

[phone rings, receiver clanks off]

STOKES: Hello. I don't work here.

HOFFMAN: Well thank goodness you answered the phone! I've been calling all over the place for you! Professor, could you come to town right away? I'm very concerned about… one of my patients and it's a long way for me to walk.

STOKES: Well, I did have to look out for another person I brought here. I suppose I could have Miss Jackson let him know he can stay in your office.

HOFFMAN: Yes, I'll ring her and let her know. I'm at The Collinsport Inn. Please hurry.

[Phone hangs up]

HECUBUS: Oh dear, that sounded scary. However, we need to take a glimpse at the Addams Family homestead as Morticia is helping Victoria to learn some handiwork of the home economics variety.

FESTER: Say, Victoria, we're putting new metal works in the beds today. Wanna see how the frames can sometimes magnetize against my skull? It's a lotta laughs!

VICTORIA: (uncertain whether to chuckle or scream) Oh, um… well… I'm a little busy here, perhaps later.


VICTORIA: I'm not sure how you all survive, Mrs… Morticia, but I must say it's a lot more warm-hearted here than where I come from.

MORTICIA: Oh, my dear… Collinsport has a warm heart, actually. It just hides it so much. It's simply afraid of itself in many ways, as we are not.

VICTORIA: Oh? How do you know that?

MORTICIA: A lot of contagion. Some of that haughty behaviour from one person can make others respond as though they truly do have something to hide, when they never would have thought so at first. Can you hand me the tassels, dear?

VICTORIA: Here. I don't understand. You mean when one person behaves haughtily, or insinuating, the others do as well?

MORTICIA: It doesn't start like that. It usually begins with someone in authority doing so to others. Eventually the response comes as deep self-consciousness, worrying over themselves. Then, it can twist into domineering actions over others, looking to eke out the same response in someone else. I think Collinsport only needs a little help.

VICTORIA: If only I could have provided that.

MORTICIA: Well! Again with that face, Victoria? Didn't you already make a few changes? I think your arrival there opened the people up somewhat. But the world is a big place. Resting it on your shoulders isn't wise, you know.

VICTORIA: (wistful cheer) You're right. In fact, now that I think about it, perhaps I managed to even change its past.

MORTICIA: Ohhh? Have you seen even more of that place than you let on? Perhaps… its history?

VICTORIA: Oh… well…

MORTICIA: Now, now. No need to be coy. You're not in Collinsport anymore.

VICTORIA: Well… you see, we were in the middle of a séance and something very strange happened. It wasn't a long time for anyone else in that room, but it was for me and I was… propelled, I guess you could say, into the past.

MORTICIA: (surprised) Oh? Really? Really?

VICTORIA: Then I had to truly endure that estate's history and find out all kinds of things.

MORTICIA: Oh my… oh my!

VICTORIA: Oh, Morticia. I know it's absurd, but you did want to know. I can see I've made you think I'm crazy or something.

MORTICIA: (excited) It's not that my dear! Oh… my… Grandmama! GRANDMAMA!


GRANDMAMA: What is it dear? Don't get so flustered… unless you're enjoying it for the moment.

MORTICIA: We need you, Grandmama! It's Victoria! She… she… she has the gift!

MILLIGAN: And upon hearing this startling discovery we lead you The Old House again where Professor Stokes awaits the doctors prognosis over her patient by his car, as Hoffman and Barnabas square some things away.

BARNABAS: (world-weary) Well, I suppose it is for the best. I never did believe I would be alive for so long and it would be a good thing at this point… now that I can see the family has improved. It has been quite a journey we've taken Doctor… Julia.

HOFFMAN: Oh, Barnabas. Damn you and this depression that's taken hold. What on earth can you be talking about? It's not like there is no hope at all.

BARNABAS: Oh, I do have hope. But not about her. However Maggie's own experience has taught me that if nothing else… there are other avenues of existence to explore, and I think I've held them off for long enough.

HOFFMAN: You mustn't speak like that… this life still has joys to show you and you know that.

BARNABAS: It has other joys to show, but not as who I am now.

["Conclusio" by Stoa slowly bleeds into background]

HOFFMAN: (exhaling growl) Ohhh, I should have stood my ground when it came to Maggie. That ridiculous bet… so absurd!

BARNABAS: Bah! This is no game of cards. At least if I were out of the way I could be with Sarah… for good.

[Steps, door opens,]

HOFFMAN: Where are you going?!

BARNABAS: I'm going to find out for myself precisely what Josette went through.


[door slams… stamping of foot, rustling of doorknob, door opens]

HOFFMAN: Come back here- oh, forget it. Who the hell ever responds to that one?

[door shutting, running across gravel]

STOKES: Doctor! Where has he wandered off to?

HOFFMAN: There's no time! We have to hurry!

[motor noises, revving engine,]

STOKES: Doctor Hoffman! What has possessed you? Slow down!

HOFFMAN: Chalk it up to the Hippocratic Oath if you want. What doctor has ever dealt easily with losing a patient?

STOKES: You mean… he's going to?


STOKES: Then why not follow him and restrain the man?

HOFFMAN: That's what I aim to do.

STOKES: But this isn't following him.

HOFFMAN: I know.

[car squeals to halt, running,]

MAGGIE: Doctor Hoffman? Professor Stokes? What in the world—

HOFFMAN: No time to explain. We need you now!

MAGGIE: For what? What's happening?

HOFFMAN: I'll explain in the car.

STOKES: I'm afraid it's a matter of life or death, Miss Evans.

MAGGIE: Life or death? Whose?

STOKES: Please, there isn't much time and the doctor is most determined.

SAM: Here, Maggie. Take your coat. I think you should go with them.

MAGGIE: Pop? Do you know anything about this?

SAM: Aller… vite…

[in the car, revving engine, squealing tires]

MAGGIE: What? What a trick to play on me. Why should I care about Barnabas Collins? That man kidnapped me and then tried to possess my mind.

HOFFMAN: Maggie Evans, as your physician, can you honestly tell me that there isn't a spark of Josette Dupres left in you?

MAGGIE: Enough not to want to be hurt another time. How could I ever forgive him? He never wanted a real woman anyway.

HOFFMAN: You're telling me.

MAGGIE: What? Doctor Hoffman… you love Barnabas Collins… too?

HOFFMAN: Oh, Maggie Evans, who around here doesn't?


MAGGIE: Why should you do this for me? Why for him?

HOFFMAN: Don't ask me. I'm a doctor, not a saint.

STOKES: Angel of Mercy, more like.

[squealing tires]

MAGGIE: Can't you slow down? Where on earth are we going anyway? You've passed the Old House.

HOFFMAN: To whatever dark shadow of Josette Dupres is left, I ask you, where would anyone go when faced with… impossible la vie?

MAGGIE: (inhales) Widow's Hill… Oh…. Doctor Hoffman, go faster!

STOKES: Don't encourage her!

MAGGIE: Watch out for the squirrel!


HOFFMAN: It's all right, I missed him. He's likely a Collins, too, knowing this G.D. TOWN!

STOKES: Doctor! Slow down or we'll go off the cliff!

[rumbling of driving over rough terrain, then car breaks, doors open, rustling footsteps]

STOKES: No, Julia. Wait here. She has to do this on her own.

HOFFMAN: But what if she can't— huh?

STOKES: Stay here, Julia, with me. They have to sort this out for themselves.

HOFFMAN: … Eliot. Is it me, or have you never stopped serving the Collins Family either?

STOKES: Throw out all the speculations you want, Julia… I have a feeling I've been waiting to see this… for a very long time.

[crashing ocean waves, rustling footfalls]


[grab, ruffle]

BARNABAS: (gasp)

MAGGIE: Don't do it! At least… not yet.

BARNABAS: Would you like to have the honours of pushing me over? You're entitled to it.

MAGGIE: I'm not here to send you to your death.


MAGGIE: Nor am I here to save your life.

BARNABAS: Well… then… what are you doing here?

MAGGIE: I have one question to ask you, and it is one I have been meaning to ask you for over a century.


MAGGIE: Go ahead, say it.

BARNABAS: Josette Dupres?

MAGGIE: Face me, Barnabas Collins. Now answer me, honestly… when you look at me is that all that you see?

BARNABAS: What do you mean?

MAGGIE: You heard me! When you look at me, is Josette Dupres… the only thing you see, the only thing you want?

BARNABAS: (pauses as the waves crash, takes a breath)… no.

[clothing ruffling]

MAGGIE: (breathes heavily) Okay. Then that's what I wanted to know.

BARNABAS: Now… let go of me.

MAGGIE: No. I won't.

BARNABAS: Maggie, how can you? You could never forgive me, nor I myself.

MAGGIE: Oh? You think I'd let anyone jump from this place after what I've been through?

BARNABAS: Why not let me fall?

MAGGIE: It's not the fall that hurts, Barnabas, it's the sudden stop. I know.

BARNABAS: And you think I don't deserve that pain?

MAGGIE: Well, if it's pain that you're after-


BARNABAS: (stunned) Maggie Evans!

MAGGIE: (slight sneer) I didn't keep that waitress job without a good right hook! Besides, you're not the only person around here who knows how to punish someone.

BARNABAS: (coughing laugh) Hmm… that says it all. Josette never had such morbid sense of humour.

MAGGIE: Oh? How did you ever know? You never stayed with me long enough to find out.

BARNABAS: Well… would you let me this time?

MAGGIE: (softening) Hmm… Yes… I think… I'd like that.

[smooching sounds, then latter half of "Both Sides Now" by Claudine Longet, or other 60's version]

Tears and fears and feeling proud,

To say "I love you" right out loud

Dreams and schemes and circus crowds,

I've looked at life that way.

Oh but now old friends they're acting strange,

They shake their heads, they say I've changed

Well something's lost, but something's gained

In living every day.

I've looked at life from both sides now

From win and lose and still somehow

It's life's illusions I recall

I really don't know life at all

I've looked at life from both sides now

From up and down, and still somehow

It's life's illusions I recall

I really don't know life at all

All Due Respect To:

The Kids in The Hall

Clue (1980's film)

The Addams Family (1960's TV Show)

The Munsters (1960's TV show)

And of course,

Dark Shadows (1960's TV Show)

Well that's about six people and three relationships worked out… now for the rest of them. Yeesh! What a mess!

"The Pit of Ultimate Dark Shadows is a Daryl Wor production"

Truly, this is the hardest work I have ever produced in my life, in audio, writing, production quality, acting, channeling, studying fandoms, everything, and we have spent thousands of dollars to produce it. The least that can be gained is commentary on enjoyment. The sooner you do so the faster you will get more. Otherwise there is really no reason to share it. Thanks.