Originally published 20 October 2013, then with held from the public due to lack of support and discussion, we have now gained enough support on All Souls' Day 2015 (more than two years later) to bring you this episode. I hope it is enjoyed in either text or audio.

This one is mostly happy and gushy, but I was chilled by the cane scene that came up. I have trouble believing that it hasn't been thought of before. I also can't remember if something like it was ever in the series, but I'd love it if it was.


The Pit of Ultimate Dark Shadows Episode 14: Reunion At The Old House

[Usual "My name is Victoria Winters" Dark Shadows intro music used for cryptic update]

MILLIGAN: Good evening! And welcome to the Pit of Ultimate Dark Shadows. I am your host Sir Simon Milligan… though by now you must know me well. And without further adieu I introduce-

[hoots and hollers]

MILLIGAN: Oh, well, I haven't introduced him yet!

HECUBUS: Yo!

MILLIGAN: AH! Sheesh! Just scare me, my dominion despot!

HECUBUS: What does that even mean, Master?

MILLIGAN: I don't know and I don't think any of us particularly care.

[Dark Shadows theme music, then back to the previous background music.]

MILLIGAN: Now, what is in the crystal ball of iniquity at this point of our tragic Collinsport happenings?

HECUBUS: Oh, but that is the problem, isn't it Master? Nice things have been happening. Perhaps this is the translucent beclouding that Mr. Roger Collins mentioned when he was the strange catalyst in getting the ball rolling for little Sarah to return.

MILLIGAN: Yes, I suppose there are things about Roger that have changed for the better since he was struck by positive thinking. A far cry from what happened after his phone call with Miss Cleo. Our story has found a wild ride for our hero, Dr. Julia Hoffman, to help rescue our usual damsel-in-distress… Barnabas Collins… with the help of Professor Stokes and his car, to grab Maggie Evans in a successful endeavor to make him a survivor of Widow's Hill. This is a little like an old fairy tale with the genders reversed.

HECUBUS: Yes, Master and I'm sure I don't comprehend the turn of events.

MILLIGAN: Why, my petite abomination?

HECUBUS: After all of that detestable crookedness Mr. Collins had in his treatment of Maggie Evans, how in such turmoil of incidents has she managed to forgive him?

MILLIGAN: Oh… ? what makes you think she has?

HECUBUS: Ohhhhhhh! Very dark, indeed, Master! What could that mean?

MILLIGAN: It means that forgiveness is far more complicated than one might at first suppose. The type of forgiveness like the usual children's turbulence upon the playground is a lot simpler. But when one is older, say two-hundred years, and the other isn't but remembers the same person from a previous lifetime, the complexity is thorough. It means that to forgive one must be proven that the person has changed. And her heart has striven her forward to try… and they have spent much time talking and gazing at each other on the davenport before the crackling fireside.

HECUBUS: Oh… how romantic… do you think she will forgive him?

MILLIGAN: Wellll (rubbing hands) perhaps, or perhaps she is in it for the joy of being able to strike him some more.

HECUBUS: OH! Dear! Master! That IS evil…

MILLIGAN: And what is worse… he may perhaps… like it! Ah… Well, who wouldn't? At least she'd be touching him. Not that we encourage such behaviour. This is a story after all… Either way I'm pulling for Angelique, of course.

HECUBUS: Master! How could Angelique win him now?

MILLIGAN: HUH! Forget that! I don't want her coupling with him! I want her for myself!

HECUBUS: Ooooo! Yes, quite the evil one and hot with a brimstone intensity.

MILLIGAN: Hence my point! She could be considered chaotic-evil. With all the damage she's been dealing and receiving she must have about a million hit-points! I do so desire a babe with those odds… Ah… (blots) And as I cool off here, I must now warn our audience that this particular episode will likely be off-putting, as most of our Collinsport residents are exploring a world where they have more or less managed to… chill-the-heck-out.

HECUBUS: Master? How is that relevant?

MILLIGAN: It is relevant because it was a main purpose in presenting this series from the beginning. The possibility that the usual cruelty could somehow be assuaged and we could see these residents to be as helpful and friendly towards each other as possible. Our start begins at the Old House, where Maggie & Barnabas are sleeping again before the fireplace. However we have another person in the room waiting for either of them to stir back into consciousness. I believe our pseudo ex-vampire is about to receive a shock so strange and delightful that it will shatter his senses.


[slight paper rustle, pencil scribbling, whistling of some seaman song]

BARNABAS: (waking up, and low gasp) Mister? Mister Evans?

SAM: (low voice) Oh, you're awake. Sarah went up stairs to dust out the chest I brought over. I see you two have had quite an evening.

BARNABAS: (obviously nervous) This isn't what it looks like.

SAM: (light laughter) Ha, Mister Collins, I know exactly what it is and what it looks like. I've been sketching it.

BARNABAS: You've been sketching us?

MAGGIE: (sleeping noises)

SAM: Don't worry. With her using up all that adrenaline, she'll sleep heavily enough. I know my girl. Just stay right there and don't jostle her much. We'll hardly wake her. She's learned to sleep through my snoring.

BARNABAS: My… I'd expect you to have… well … a weapon or something… or perhaps your sketches are meant to incriminate somehow?

SAM: (laughing) Ah, Barnabas Collins, you often did behave as though you had something to hide when you really didn't. You still haven't recognized me, have you?

BARNABAS: (incredulous) You're not Sam Evans?

SAM: Oh, yes, I am … but look closer. My Maggie… well, she's not the only one with a deeper past. Guess it runs in the family.

BARNABAS: I don't… wait a moment… (shocked) Monsieur… Dupres?

SAM: You got it… or at least, some part of him. I'd remembered everything the night you left me that painting of Angelique Bouchard, and if it wasn't for the help of a few friends, she probably would have destroyed me, too. That's why I didn't want that check payable to me, ye know.

BARNABAS: You know everything?

SAM: Mostly. Much of it slipped away the next day, but enough lingered, even information I received during my rather long… other-worldly sojourn. Heh-heh-heh. I see you didn't really have that luxury as I at first suspected.

BARNABAS: So you're… not angry?

SAM: Oh, I admit I was enraged for a good half hour. I was ready to come over here and strangle you with my bare hands.

BARNABAS: Why didn't you? I would have deserved it.

SAM: Good to hear you say that… It was an interesting argument to have with oneself. We all do it, but in this case there was a lot of understanding between such long stretches of time. As Maggie says, different days different ways… Slavery was still legal, transportation was plodding, and who was really getting all their mail? Well, I guess you could ask that now, too. And women… they definitely had little say in a lot of things.

BARNABAS: Oh? Was that all it took?

SAM: Hardly. It was finding out enough about Angelique on the other side that did it. I'd known it while marking up that painting. And… wouldn't you guess? I had to get just as outraged at you as I did at her painting that night… to remember what I knew about her. She's an exalted overachiever for a woman who could drive a man to drink. It wasn't a very nice trick bewitching Josette to elope with your uncle.

BARNABAS: She what? Bewitched her?

SAM: You don't remember that? Ah, I guess you might not. Anyway, that marriage never sat very well with me, then or now. I'm not surprised you shot him. Saved me the bother of doing it myself.

BARNABAS: Heaven and Earth… Are you telling me… you approve of all this?

SAM: More than I would have back then, believe me.

BARNABAS: I do.

SAM: (laughing) Nice choice of words, Mr. Collins. Tell them to her someday. (rises and steps) Now, no need for you to get up. I'd like you to take a peek at this. It may look a little rough, but I thought I might be able to make a small painting from this.

[paper rusting]

BARNABAS: Hmm! I didn't expect to appear so well asleep… Maggie I'd have no doubts about—Sarah? She slept here, with us?

SAM: Touching, isn't it? I don't know if that girl needs any sleep considering what she is, but if not she at least pretended long enough for me to finish her likeness there, almost like a kitten with her arms stretched along your laps.

BARNABAS: You're going to paint this?

SAM: Well, if you'd rather I didn't…

BARNABAS: Mister Evans, I'd rather lose my home before requesting this not be painted.

SAM: Heh-heh… I thought so. Beats post-mortem photography, doesn't it?


MILLIGAN: Ah, how a duality of experiences helps us all to adjust. Next we re-meet with Wadsworth & Willie, who've spent the evening together. Not quite an all-nighter, but rather than find a way to return to work, Wadsworth has managed an interesting breakfast by inviting our Willie into the office of Doctor Hoffman where he'd been allowed to remain in the meantime. It is currently somewhat less dusty due to Wadsworth's usual perfectionist habits.


WILLIE: (laughing) Hey, where's the other flask?

WADSWORTH: (light chuckle) I don't know, I must admit I can only carry about five. Perhaps we can see if the good Doctor has anything else secreted around here.

WILLIE: (laughing) Tell… tell… tell me what the colonel did? Ya didn't finish that part of it.

WADSWORTH: Oh, he… he… he took the whiskey and twirled it over three glasses all at once!

[riotous laughter, knocking on the door, laughter abruptly ceases, door opens]

NURSE JACKSON: E-e-excuse me?

[page flipping]

WADSWORTH: (composing himself) Oh, yes, Miss Jackson, just browsing through Grey's Anatomy here… it is erm… quite the proverbial hoot.

NURSE JACKSON: (impatient) Mmm-hmm!

WILLIE: Sorry, Miss Jackson, I know we promised to keep it down. Y'see we have a lot of catching up to do and well… it's nice to visit this room without the doctor in it somehow.

NURSE JACKSON: Well… if you're looking for the brandy, it's empty. With how little Doctor Hoffman uses this office lately it might as well have evaporated… so I took it out.

WILLIE: (trying not to laugh) Oh? Why didn't ya just drink it?

NURSE JACKSON: I did.

[Door shuts, stifled giggling]

WILLIE: (sighs) Well, that's a relief. Who'd a known she'd had it in her?

WADSWORTH: Literally. Now… do you think you can remember how to stuff your hands into trouser pockets after dispensing with that robe?

WILLIE: (sighs) Ah… they ain't gonna let me out.

WADSWORTH: Not if you tell anyone what you'd planned to do. I didn't give you those pieces so you could actually throw them at him.

WILLIE: Wellll, y'said it might be good to get it off my chest.

WADSWORTH: Yes, but not in the manner you had in mind, Mr. Loomis. And certainly not within these walls. Why waste the mileage to bring you back home by making it clear you could stay here?

WILLIE: Hey… ya really think I can come back?

WADSWORTH: Stranger things have happened.

WILLIE: Well, that's the understatement of the year. Eh, you said it wasn't so harsh… but… tell me… there are still spooks, aren't there?

WADSWORTH: I haven't met them all.

WILLIE: Ha! Who could?


HECUBUS: Goodness! What total depravity! Meanwhile we view our awakened couple along with young Sarah. They are at last transferring items from Josette's crate to the trunk Sam Evans has provided.


SARAH: Here are some more books.

BARNABAS: Thank you. Hmm, these look well thumbed.

MAGGIE: Oh… my volumes of The Mysteries of Udolpho…

BARNABAS: Ah, so you've read that book?

MAGGIE: A few times, obviously… Didn't you ever read this?

BARNABAS: Oh, maybe once… but-

MAGGIE: I told you. You never knew if I had a sense of the morbid.

BARNABAS: You never cease to amaze me, Josette Dupres.

MAGGIE: (laughing hum) Thanks. You know, we could spend our whole lives remembering those details. I wouldn't mind.

BARNABAS: Nor would I. I believe that's what I'm enjoying the most about this. We seem to find old associations to celebrate in new ways.

MAGGIE: Precisely. I think you were right to try and fix up this old place. If we can make it shine with its old glory, using new things, I may feel very at home… someday.

BARNABAS: Oh?

MAGGIE: Of course. I'm already somebody of old and new. (almost whispering) Oh… my!

BARNABAS: What is it?

MAGGIE: I was just looking over the encyclopedia…

BARNABAS: What disturbs you?

MAGGIE: Well… I had that trouble with the text, remember?

BARNABAS: Did you want me to translate all the F's and S's?

MAGGIE: No… you don't have to… I… well imagine that… I can read this thing now! A-ha-ha!

BARNABAS: (light laugh) Now I know it's you.

MAGGIE: (affected) You know something… I think you do.

[peck-kiss]

BARNABAS: (Oh-so romantically…) Why stop there?

[tumbling carpet noises, and vague kissing noise]

SARAH: You two! It's like I'm not even here.

MAGGIE: Well come down with us, then!

[more tumbling, light laughter]

SARAH: (giggles) Oh… but, I believe you're forgetting something.

BARNABAS: (happily) The three of us together again? What could we be forgetting?

SARAH: Oh, I should have said who.

MAGGIE: (laughingly) Who do you mean, Sarah?

SARAH: That one, you know. The helper.

BARNABAS: That would be you, my dearest one.

SARAH: (lowly) No-o-o… He was… accused of something.

MAGGIE: Of what?

SARAH: About you, Maggie.

[silence]

BARNABAS & MAGGIE: (gasping) Willie…

[rushing feet on stairs]

MAGGIE: Pop! Pop!

SAM: Oh, good lord, what could it be now? Do you have to go? I told you where the outhouse was.

MAGGIE: No, no… we have to go to Wyndcliff.

[drop of pencil]

SAM: Mag-gie! This nut-house-town is good enough for me. There isn't a single medication in the world we could want to end this dream… now that I've finally adopted it.

BARNABAS: It isn't that, Mr. Evans. It's Willie. We need to see him.

SAM: (sarcastically) O-h-h, GOOD! Why don't we go out there, explain all that's been going on around here to him and set him back another six months? Great idea!

MAGGIE: Aw, Pop. Do you really want us to walk all the way?

SAM: (resignedly) No… but where is that butler of yours, in fact? Maybe he could take you?

BARNABAS: Ahh… I see… yes… with everything going on his disappearance had become a little unnoticed. I hope he hasn't moved out altogether.

SAM: Well, you could check his room to see if his things are missing.

[rushing feet, door creaking open]

BARNABAS: I don't like doing this but if he's gone we'll know soon enough, I suppose. Hmm… a place for everything and everything in its place… as one might expect with him. Quite a chemistry set, too… And then here…ah-h… ahem… I see.

MAGGIE: (suspiciously) What is that?

BARNABAS: (amused) Perhaps… a little something he removed from the crate?

MAGGIE: (trepidation) T-h-a-t isn't mine… and I have a hard time believing it's his.

BARNABAS: Well, perhaps it's a bit of a memory from an old lady friend.

MAGGIE: Do people normally keep the lingerie of their previous lovers? You tell me.

BARNABAS: Well…

MAGGIE: Really? It's not like I don't want to know… Hmm… well, I suppose everyone has their quirks. Now I understand why you've never bothered coming in here before.

BARNABAS: My dear, Maggie, he has been unbelievably good to me since Willie went away… and… I'm not asking any questions.

[steps]

MAGGIE: His things are all there, Pop. I remember him going off with Professor Stokes, though. He might be there but that's not who we're really looking for.

SAM: Maggie, are you sure you want to see that man?

MAGGIE: Pop, I know it's a stretch but I'm sure he was only trying to help me. And if Barnabas is for it too that's good evidence he's changed. Can the muse wait on the picture?

SAM: (sighs) Fine, I was having trouble with that weird little hat of Sarah's anyway.


HECUBUS: And as this strange day continues, Hoffman is also journeying to Wyndcliff via a ride from Professor Stokes. Neither are the wiser of the extras she will meet there.


[standard background from within a car]

STOKES: Well, long night or no, I am pleased to tell you, it doesn't feel like there has been any long-term damage to the shock absorbers in my auto here. I'd been wondering if that escapade to Widow's Hill would have left the car traumatized.

HOFFMAN: Hmm? Ah, well, after all that, I can hardly allow myself to apologize. Think of what might have happened… or… let's don't.

STOKES: Mmm, agreed… You may have to get that Wadsworth a taxi if he's still there. I don't think I have time to drive him myself.

HOFFMAN: Oh, I'm sure he's gotten one on his own. He can't still be there at this point. (Pleasant sigh and hum)

STOKES: You seem rather fulfilled, Julia. I'd expect you would have been more exhausted from that intense driving last night.

HOFFMAN: Well, saving a man's life? Shouldn't I be pretty relieved as a doctor to do that, Eliot?

STOKES: Indeed. I'd say admirable of you as a woman as well.

HOFFMAN: Oh?

STOKES: Yes, there's something unique about you that I've come to appreciate for some time now. You have a guiding light towards solving a problem. Last night surely should have proven that to you. It certainly did to me.

HOFFMAN: Hmm… are you giving me a compliment… Eliot?

STOKES: A compliment? Truly, you jest! I'm stating an obvious fact. You didn't wait to get that engine started and make sure the only solution available was accomplished. AND you managed to dodge the squirrel on top of all that! That shows a great deal of heart.

HOFFMAN: Thank you… very much. I was getting a little worried no one had noticed.

STOKES: Julia Hoffman, those people love you. Did you see how they looked when we took them home? Those weren't tears of anguish, you know. Also… you might check your files and mail at Wyndcliff. You could find out how much important work you have accomplished and can go on accomplishing without agonizing so much over Collinwood.

HOFFMAN: Really? That's hard to imagine. I got a bit attached to my quarters there, pacing the rooms, trying to sort out some diabolical scheme someone came up with.

STOKES: With all you've done? Those quarters will always be there for you, I have no doubt. I don't believe they'll kick you out of their lives. I know I won't from mine.

HOFFMAN: Why do you say that?

STOKES: Well… not to put too fine a point on it, but any woman with that much dauntlessness certainly wins my… respect.

HOFFMAN: Hmm… well, I suppose what with your clever idea of giving Willie Loomis more to do than build jigsaw puzzles at that place, I have something to believe about you as well in that regard. How did you come up with that?

STOKES: A staggering amount of time grading papers… I noticed that the less confident students improve in other things along with penmanship when they acquire the skill. However, with Willie Loomis, I think the practice could eventually lead into more design work.

HOFFMAN: Oh? What kind of design work?

STOKES: Ah, that is the question, isn't it? I'm not sure if the tales are true, but I have a feeling he's got a penchant for jewelry. … Yes…I know… all right… express your mirth. No need to withhold it. But if he was designing it instead of desiring it, he could be around it all the time in that position.

HOFFMAN: (laughing) I'm not laughing at that. I'm just thinking of how secure all his jewelry could be if he had really got good at acquiring it by crafty means! He'd know every trick in the book and be able to thwart anyone else that had been as he was… at least I would hope so.

[car comes to halt]

STOKES: Well here we are. Will I be seeing you later?

HOFFMAN: I'd like that. I think there's more reflecting to do and I appreciate your help, Professor. Perhaps we should meet… uh-oh… looks like those two are here… and are going into the Sanitarium with someone else, too.

STOKES: Oh? Well, you better get in there and make sure Mr. Loomis doesn't collapse from the shock. I'll phone you later on.

[car door opening]

HOFFMAN: (hurriedly) Good, good… I'm sure you'll be in suspense to know how strange it gets.

STOKES: Don't forget, Doctor!

[car door slam, motor fading away in the distance]


HECUBUS: And we join our Entourage For The Preservation of Willie Loomis at the front desk.


NASALLY RECEPTIONIST: Oh… who? Loomis… well, I'm not sure. Miss Jackson? These guests are here to see the fellow you've been keeping an eye on.

NURSE JACKSON: (welcoming) Oh yes. We've given him some lee way with another guest in Doctor Hoffman's office, which is over— (stunned into irony) Well, all right! I guess the lot of you know you're way around here!

[footsteps proceed for few seconds then come to halt]

MAGGIE: (sarcastic sigh) Ah, her office. Another place with lovely memories for me… ow.

BARNABAS: Oh! I am sorry, my dear. I suppose my grip with your hand came on too strong.

MAGGIE: (pleasantly) It's all right. I know what you meant by it.

[door opens, stunned silence]

BARNABAS: Ah… Willie Loomis…

MAGGIE: Thank goodness.

BARNABAS: (confused) Wadsworth?

WADSWORTH: Yes, sir. Mr. Stokes brought me here to re-acquaint myself with Mr. Loomis and give him certain updates. (surprise) I see things have improved even further than I explained.

SAM: (curiously) Hmm? RE-acquaint?

BARNABAS: It's a long story, Mr. Evans.

WILLIE: (hyperventilating) Oh…oh… This is nuts… her and… and… him… holding hands? I have had too much to drink…

WADSWORTH: Or perhaps not enough?

WILLIE: Darn that Nurse Jackson… where's another brandy when ya need one?

SAM: At last, someone is having the right response.

[shuffling, footsteps]

HOFFMAN: (rushing in) Oh, excuse me Mr. Ev-.…. oh… um… so is everyone here?

BARNABAS: We've only just arrived, Julia.

MAGGIE: I wonder how many of us can try to squeeze into this office.

BARNABAS: Doctor… you look somewhat… ruffled…

HOFFMAN: Well, I was over at Professor Stokes last night for a drink and then-

BARNABAS: (voice as of raised eyebrow) Oh? A great deal of unique surprises today.

HOFFMAN: (impatient) Oh- It wasn't like that; I just nodded off on the couch.

SAM: Hmm, slept in your clothes? There seems to be a lot of that going on around here.

WILLIE: (under breath) Yer right, Wadsworth. A lot must'a changed. This can't all be yer doin'.

WADSWORTH: (under breath) No, I think there has been a lot of other help involved.

SAM: (impertinent) Did you say something?

WADSWORTH: Just agreeing, sir. I have also had to sleep in my day attire upon the previous evening.

MAGGIE: (shock) With him?

WADSWORTH: Um, no, madam, well, he of course has lived in pajamas most of the time but he likely slept in his asylum vestment.

WILLIE: I still have a hard time figurin' yer talk.

HOFFMAN: (bemused confusion) Well, such a party in my office… I'd look through my mail… if I could reach it between all of you.

MAGGIE: Ah, I see, well I can tell you about this pile… (with listing inflection) a few unopened holiday cards from last year and… (laughing cough) That magazine issue about The Old House… that must have been here a while… and A Penny Saver… Bureau of Medical Economics—

HOFFMAN: (mild annoyance) Nice touch, Miss Evans. Are you going to open and read everything to us after all I've done for the crew around here?

WADSWORTH: (fatigued) I think the only thing you might do for me, Doctor, is a wake up drug. I shan't trust myself to drive in my condition.

HOFFMAN: Well… I don't exactly specialize in pep pills.

SAM: Our town's really put you through the wringer, hasn't it, ol' man?

WADSWORTH: (snorts) Perhaps a bit… but the children were likely the tipping point, sir.

MAGGIE: (steps) Willie? Are you all right?

WILLIE: (softly) Hey… well… y'know… I might be?

BARNABAS: Would you like to come home, Willie? To Collinwood?

WILLIE: Ya… ya… ya really want me back?

MAGGIE : (kindly) If you want to come. You see I understand what you were trying to do and things are different. You might find the work more enjoyable, but no need to start right away, you know.

WILLIE: (incredulous) If I hadn't heard this I'd never have believed it. You both… you all… actually care about ol' Willie Loomis?

BARNABAS: (usual knowing smile) Willie… How could we not?

WILLIE: Really? Well… all this I gotta see.

HOFFMAN: (sighs) I was worried this might happen… I suppose I'll get started on the release papers.

BARNABAS: Thank you, Julia.

HOFFMAN: Well… maybe you can thank me later… if all of this turns out all right.

SAM: (pronouncing) There's a wise woman.

HOFFMAN: (resigned) Hardly, Mr. Evans. I may never play cribbage again.

[walks out]

MAGGIE: (brightening) She plays cribbage?


MILLIGAN: Ah, that was a good one. Odd to see them all getting along, isn't it? Though somewhat stunned, we do not have desperate cases of apoplexy as is usually seen by our beloved residents of Collinsport. Willie Loomis is, of course, released and being returned to the Old House with the people he became so destructively involved with. Sadly we must reveal another point of importance and likely dark in a way that is most unnerving to many listeners, but without it, certain acceptances to this tale can hardly be believed.


[front door closing, shuffling feet]

WILLIE: (under breath) Now?

WADSWORTH: (whispering) Quietly, mind you, let me get them away first. (plain voice) Excuse me, Mr. and Miss Evans. I require you're assistance up the stairs.

MAGGIE: Oh, a few items in the room I'm guessing.

WADSWORTH: Quite. This way, please…

[Sound of three people treading up the stairs]

SAM: Wait… what are you-

WADSWORTH: Please sir, keep your voice down.

MAGGIE: (whispering) What is it, Wadsworth… what are you looking at?

WADSWORTH: (lowered voice) I think they need a moment alone.

SAM: (whispering) Then why are you watching from here?

WADSWORTH: Just in case he doesn't heed my advice.

MAGGIE: Oh, no… not more trouble.

WADSWORTH: I desire not, Miss Evans. We must trust them to work this out.

[Robert Cobert's Original Dark Shadows music of the creepy variety bleeds in]

WILLIE: (gradual rising belligerence) All right, Barnabas… ya may be pleased t'see me and I may be pleased t'see you and I'm glad to be outta that place. BUT… there's something I need to show ya first…

BARNABAS: (patiently) All right… and what would that be?

WILLIE: THIS.

[sounds of several small metal pieces slowly clanking on the floor.]

BARNABAS: (concerned) What are those?

WILLIE: (quietly fuming) Those? Those? Those are the pieces of metal they took outta my pummeled, bleeding backMister Collins… ya know… when the cops shot at me when I went to warn her … and that… a-l-l that metal… all that pain… is WHOSE fault… whose?

BARNABAS: (reluctant sigh) Yes… I understand… now… stay right there, I want to show you something. (sound of gripping stick) Do you see this? Not many pleasant memories of it, are there?

WILLIE: (insecure belligerence) No… no… yer no different at all… I can see that now… now that I've sassed ya good about that… you're gonna use that on me again, aren't ya?

BARNABAS: (quietly) No… you're going to use it on me.

WILLIE: (flustered whisper) W-what?

BARNABAS: (slowly) Go ahead… take it… please

[sound of hand gripping… long silence… ]

WILLIE: (gasping, riled with emotion) I… I.. I can't believe… impossible. This is impossible… Ya can't be tellin' me ya mean for me to do what ya did to me all that time? No…

BARNABAS: I do. I am meant to feel all the pain I've suffered to others. I understand that now, Willie. If it helps… pleasedo it.

[Danny Elfman's "Dark Shadows" opening music bleeds in. Sound of cane hitting the floor… clothing ruffling, tumbling noise]

WILLIE: (fragmented weeping)

BARNABAS: (comfortingly) I know. It's all right.

WILLIE: (weeping) Ya… ya… now I know… now I know… ya have to of changed…

BARNABAS: (slowly) Yes… and now I know… that you have.

[Music fades and three massive exhales echo from up the stairs]

WADSWORTH: Mr. Loomis… possibly a better man than I… I might have done it.

MAGGIE: Me too.

SAM: Me three.

MAGGIE: (quietly) How did Willie even get the bullet fragments? Wouldn't they be locked up as evidence?

WADSWORTH: Yes… but I have found that your Professor Stokes can be a very persuasive man. I think now that Mr. Loomis has finally had his collapse, I ought to tend to him.

[footsteps on the stairs]


MILLIGAN: Hmm, heavy going. To relieve you of the tension this unfortunately necessary scene may have produced we take you to the main house where a brother and sister are opening their mail.


ROGER: Well, Liz, I think this piece is for you. Likely an updated passport.

ELIZABETH: Thank you, Roger. (tearing sounds and contemplative pause) You know, your more relaxed attitude has made some distinct changes around here. And likely ones you didn't even know about.

ROGER: (reflective) Ah… good. I've started to realize that considering much of the outrageously bizarre incidents we'd had happen for the worse that were so accepted; perhaps some unbelievable events for the better could be welcomed… however much so many smiling faces can remind me of advertisements.

ELIZABETH: Indeed, (paper rustling, dejected musing) Oh… speaking of smiles… (tsk, tsk, tsk) I'm guessing I didn't give much of one in this photo. Why must these pictures always have to turn out so unflattering?

ROGER: Ah, I see what you mean. I'm sure part of it was the hurry you were in to get it done. Passports are, by nature, rare to acquire easily, and expedited ones doubly so.

ELIZABETH: Hah! True… (concerned) Roger, do you ever wonder about David anymore?

ROGER: Hmnn? What if he wasn't mine or something? P'ff! With his resemblance to Father, I've lost my doubts about that. Plus there was something about suspecting Burke Devlin and Laura together that just seemed absurd.

ELIZABETH: (cough) That whole business was absurd… although I suppose how David grows up will be the proof.

ROGER: Oh? Why isn't it a sure thing now?

ELIZABETH: Well, if he turns out rather husky, and then suddenly slims down and gets a pronounced tan, you might have to wonder again.

ROGER: (closed mouth laugh) Nice one, Sister. I almost didn't notice that with everything else going on. On the topic of uncertain relations, where is Cousin Lily, anyway? You two had been inseparable since she got here.

ELIZABETH: Up stairs… she said something about taking Uncle Caleb's advice. He didn't want her to be conspicuous or something.

ROGER: What with that get up, I guess a lot of people would stare.

ELIZABETH: (laughing cough) Or faint. But what I don't understand is how she could have on all that body make-up and it not rub off on anything. How is that even possible?

ROGER: Perhaps it is her natural form or something. I suppose people come in all sorts. You never know. (pleasantly) Hmm-hmm-hmm…

ELIZABETH: What is it now?

ROGER: I'm musing on family ghosts popping up and our finally not getting into a snit or uproar about it. Maybe it wouldn't have been so bad before if we'd always been so accepting.

ELIZABETH: Yes, perhaps working with them… wait… ghosts? You mean there's more than one?

ROGER: On this estate? Of course. Oh, wait, you'd been so occupied, I think you hadn't heard about Sarah, did you?

ELIZABETH: (surprise) Sarah? My goodness! This place IS busy. Where did you see her?

ROGER: At The Old House. Barnabas was thrilled- er- well, more content, I should say. He didn't seem to care that her and David were jumping on all the beds and getting decisively loud.

ELIZABETH: Imagine… two relations making themselves known at once.

ROGER: Exactly, just think of all the blocked up passages and areas of the house we don't use!

ELIZABETH: Perish the thought.

ROGER: Oh… here's a larger envelope (flipping paper and sighing) Ah…haaa… isn't that to cherish?

ELIZABETH: What?

ROGER: (satisfied) It's finally come. My annulment has been verified.


MILLIGAN: At last, a most encouraging moment. With the removal of adrenaline this event has placed in our hands, we venture once again to The Old House, where Willie continues to make startling discoveries and one of which being most important of all. Wadsworth has carried him to sit before the fire and calm his nerves with the help of an herbal blend of tea.


WADSWORTH: Mr. Loomis, there's no need to send such a peering wince into the fire like it's betrayed you.

WILLIE: How could he? How could he change like that? I just can't, I just can't figure it out, y'know? I can't see who could've made all of this happen.

WADSWORTH: Well that is the trouble isn't it? Can anything be accomplished by a single individual all alone?

WILLIE: How do ya mean?

WADSWORTH: Why do you think I brought all those people to that house? We needed to band together to confront such an odious man. I'm only grieved it turned out with so many… well… it wasn't all that successful when my thoughts turn to everyone else who perished that night.

WILLIE: Eh, no wonder ya turned inta such a do-gooder. That must'a been heavy on your mind. But ya still haven't told me which one of them did it all.

WADSWORTH: No, I haven't.

WILLIE: Well, after all this time, aren't ya gonna tell me?

WADSWORTH: Does it really matter?

WILLIE: A'course it does.

WADSWORTH: How about If I were sworn by government agents not to tell?

WILLIE: Heh… I could still get it outta ya.

WADSWORTH: But should you, Mr. Loomis? Is trouble all you wish to be capable of?

WILLIE: (arrogant scoff) Ya think yer gonna make a do-gooder outta me?

WADSWORTH: Are you sure you aren't one already?

WILLIE: Nah… uh-uh… it always happens. Somethin' goes sour… it always does. Ya think all this won't crumble before our very eyes sooner or later, Wadsworth?

WADSWORTH: I've questioned it. And I won't be surprised if there is further turmoil ahead. However, I believe this place is stronger now than it was and if I have had anything to do with that, it's been worth my stay. Besides, Mr. Collins isn't as dreadful as he was. I saw through it fairly quickly.

WILLIE: How did ya find that out?

WADSWORTH: Too many people cared about him and they weren't all hypnotized. They wanted him to change and he wanted it as well. That's half the battle right there.

WILLIE: Oh yeh? What's the other half?

WADSWORTH: Oh dear… that, my old employee, is a rather lengthy story that begins with the letter A.

WILLIE: Hoo- I'm not sure I'm ready to think about any letters today. My hand's already sore from the idea.

WADSWORTH: Well, if you ever wondered why he became so tragic, it might have been for the same reason that you did.

WILLIE: Oh?

WADSWORTH: Yes. You know you've hardly been treated very well and you likely got the idea that such behaviour was both normal and natural.

WILLIE: (darkly) Oh,? Isn't it, though?

WADSWORTH: I suppose in some regard, but my point is, do we really want that?

WILLIE: (scoffing laugh) I getch'ya, I getch'ya. But I ain't convinced.

WADSWORTH: I see, I see, Mr. Loomis. Of course, these things take time.

WILLIE: Anyway… what the heck is that picture Evans is working on?

WADSWORTH: Oh, haven't you seen it? I suppose with this cataclysmic shock out of the way, you might be prepared for another one.

WILLIE: Heh! A shock? This one oughta prove what I been tellin' ya.

[sound of paper rustling]

WADSWORTH: I don't think so

WILLIE: (incredulous) Huh… Now that's just silly. Why would he stick Sarah in there? Must be caught up in wishful thinkin'… them painters.

WADSWORTH: No, Mr. Loomis. She came back to stay for a little while.

WILLIE: (tired laughter) Prove it.

WADSWORTH: You might want to take a peek at what they're all doing up there.

[clank of cup to saucer]

WILLIE: (tiredly) All right.

[steps up stairs, creak of partially opened door]

WILLIE: (stunned) No… no…

SARAH: Hello.

WILLIE: Sarah? It is really… you here?

SARAH: Yes. Do you understand what's happening?

WILLIE: (laughing cough) … yeh… yeh… I think I finally do.

["Sunshine Superman" by Donovan as ending theme*]

Sunshine came softly through my a-window today
Could've tripped out easy a-but I've a-changed my ways
It'll take time, I know it but in a while
You're gonna be mine, I know it, we'll do it in style
Cause I made my mind up you're going to be mine

I'll tell you right now
Any trick in the book now, baby, all that I can find
Everybody's hustlin' just to have a little scene
When I say we'll be cool I think that you know what I mean
We stood on a beach at sunset, do you remember when?
I know a beach where, baby, a-it never ends
When you've made your mind up forever to be mine

Hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm
I'll pick up your hand and slowly blow your little mind
Cause I made my mind up you're going to be mine
I'll tell you right now
Any trick in the book now, baby, all that I can find

Superman or Green Lantern ain't got a-nothin' on me
I can make like a turtle and dive for your pearls in the sea, yeah!
A you-you-you can just sit there a-thinking on your velvet throne
'Bout all the rainbows a-you can a-have for your own
When you've made your mind up forever to be mine
I'll pick up your hand and slowly blow your little mind
When you've made your mind up forever to be mine

I'll pick up your hand
I'll pick up your hand

All Due Respect To:

The Kids In The Hall

Clue (1980's film)

The Munsters (1960's TV Show)

And of course,

Dark Shadows (1960's TV Show)

The Pit of Ultimate Dark Shadows is a Daryl Wor production.

*Sunshine Superman was going to represent Barnabas in a later episode, but screw it, Willie, it's yours! You've proven to me in all of this that even you can be groovy, too. Thank you.

Welcome back, Willie :) Hope I did you some justice.