[Originally posted December 2013 then withheld from the public until enough discussion could be garnered.]

The Pit of Ultimate Dark Shadows: Episode 15: A Blundering Succubus

*Dedicated to the memory of Heather O'Rourke, whose hard work in this world is still cherished today.

[Pit of Ultimate Darkness theme, or so I wish I had for the audio]

MILLIGAN: (swivel)


MILLIGAN: Thank you… finally I get some applause on my own!


{super woos}

MILLIGAN: Well, Hecubus, the hoots call you to do the intro!

HECUBUS: Good evening! And welcome to the Pit of Ultimate Dark Shadows! I am ready to serve my master, Sir Simon Milligan… AAAAAAAAAAnd—

MILLIGAN: Yes… we've coffin nailed that one down my perky delinquent.

HECUBUS: Well, we almost have a content if not happy Collinsport, what with Willie Loomis back and him seeing that Sarah's returned also. I think those two have a bit of a thing.

MILLIGAN: Rather true, Manservant Hecubus, rather true. I believe this is because they are very old children; Sarah because she's a ghost child and Mr. Loomis because he's a very simple fellow who likely has been beaten most of his life, if not much of it, and is yearning to experience a pleasanter existence that he likely missed.

HECUBUS: Yes, I think many of our Collinsport residents are yearning for that edge of politeness, Master.

MILLIGAN: Ah, but more turmoil will eventually come. Angelique has now had the tables turned on her. She is the vampire this time… and hotter still that way. She'll likely be wanting an underling of her own. Perhaps I can finally persuade her… to take me into her consideration.

HECUBUS: Does she have any plans to make mischief this time, Master?

MILLIGAN: Yes! And How seeing her in action does bring a fiery slaver to my mouth… But she may not succeed as things are going.

HECUBUS: Aw… but Master, don't we want her to?

MILLIGAN: Well, sometimes I suppose, but in this case, she will have to stop pining over my dubious bridge partner if I value winning her devilish heart!

HECUBUS: I don't know, Master. The babes don't exactly flock to your dark, silvery jacket.

MILLIGAN: Oh, yeah? Well she certainly should. Where do you think I got it from? If I've gotten anything from Barnabas Collins but a game of cards, it's this! That should seduce my fair witc- erm, vampire… Now… hmm. I wonder if there are other things she can transform into…

HECUBUS: Especially with our spell!

MILLIGAN: Say! That's right. Perhaps we could induce her with the Sleep of Ages. Although, I think I like her just the way she is… mostly.

[Dark Shadows Theme]

HECUBUS: We join our beloved mistress, in all her blonde glory again, and fang of tooth, along with that sticky Nicholas Blair who has revived her for his dastardly intentions. Though it is quite awkward without a place of their own.

MILLGAN: Yes, perhaps they could at least find a crepuscular cave for their HQ… or (coughs) HINT HINT! A PIT! Well, at least I'd invite her to ours. We join them at the Collinsport Inn to make use of Angelique's powers, if she dares, and I presume she does!

BLAIR: You've got some powers even from here, go ahead and use them. Call out to him.

ANGELIQUE: (power-hungrily) Barnabas… Lavah Sava KA-tee!

HECUBUS: She's ripping us off, too?

MILLIGAN: Eh… she's allowed to. However, I think the most she'll get out of that is one of those standard problems on the set. Currently at the Old House…

BARNABAS: And now my dear…erm… (vaguely distracted) what is…?

MAGGIE: Barnabas? What's wrong?


BARNABAS: Pardon me. Just another fly buzzing around.

HECUBUS: Aw… looks like she has a little trouble with our spell.

MILLIGAN: It just needs to settle, I'm sure it'll work better for her than for him! Not that we really want it to work so she can get that guy. As things are going… They've had quite a wait for my old bridge partner… And… as we view them at the Collinsport Inn, they don't seem very happy.

ANGELIQUE: (tiredly, light slap of cards to flat surface) Gin…

BLAIR: (impatient) Again? How many games must I lose to you until he gets here and you can give him that bite?

ANGELIQUE: (snide) Well we're at about the seventh now. Wanna go for eight?

BLAIR: (pricked) Why not just play regular rummy? That would pass more time per game. Why must it always be Gin with you?

ANGELIQUE: You picked the game last time and look where it got us? This one is fitting enough as it has the same name as a beverage, too. Besides, after that mess I'd rather make sure it's ten cards and two piles rather than litter the top of this ridiculous coffin with so many cards fanned over it.

BLAIR: Ridiculous? I went through all that trouble for mahogany and scarlet lining and this is the thanks I get?

ANGELIQUE: Well that's a lovely engraving with the cutlass! Who do you think I am, Anne Bonny or Mary Read?

BLAIR: The way you've been the last two centuries I wouldn't put it past you to have been both… (swearing as cards fling down) Dantalion! Where is that creep of yours? It's almost 2 in the morning!

ANGELIQUE: Creep? I won't hear of him spoken like that. Besides, maybe getting stuck in this place is good for both of us. It certainly beats being dead.

[Swirly DS music]

BLAIR: Oh? But aren't you, my pet?

ANGELIQUE: You know what I mean.

BLAIR: And what did you experience before I revived you? Did you see old Davy Jones of the sea for a bubbling swim?

ANGELIQUE: No. It's hazy, but I think someone was trying to tell me something important. Too bad it isn't much more than a fog now.

BLAIR: Frankly I'm not up for another game.

ANGELIQUE: (devilishly) Oh? Afraid of losing again?

BLAIR: (angry sigh) What did I do to deserve this?

ANGELIQUE: Perhaps simply nothing. You seem to be good at getting foiled lately. And I don't usually win this many games in a row.

[music fades out]

BLAIR: Well, you better get over there and just have it over with. Why waste time like this?

ANGELIQUE: But what if he's on his way already? I could walk all the way over there and then he'd be here… and likely give out that line about us being two boats passing in the night again.

BLAIR: Did you call him to you or to this stinking hotel? Start your walk and if he's on his way you can cut him off at the pass, you dim-wit.

ANGELIQUE: I'd rather cut him off at the pants.

BLAIR: P'ff! And you make no jest about that! Well, at least the noises stopped and the manager is leaving us alone… (pauses) Well?


BLAIR: Hop to it, woman!

HECUBUS: And a lengthy walk filled with burrs and foxtail seeds later.

[bramble noises and crickets]

ANGELIQUE: Uhh… This is ridiculous. I wish I had a broom to ride, them I could just fly there… (sighs) Oh drat! I can fly there! Why didn't he remind me of that? (fooop noise) Oh… that's why. I haven't had a taste of anyone's blood yet… Well, there's the main house… (devilishly pleased) Hmm… Roger's always been good for a drink!

[knocking, door opens]

ROGER: Hmnn?

ANGELIQUE: Roger… hello my dear…

ROGER: (with usual acerbic tone) Cassandra? Really? Seriously? Blonde? You did spend a long time at that beauty parlour in Boston, didn't you?

ANGELIQUE: Oh how I've missed you, my dear.

ROGER: (dead pan) Uh-huh, not even a postcard… eh?

ANGELIQUE: Oh, from where I've been, I wasn't sure where to find one.

ROGER: Well [papers shuffling] you can see for yourself. I was just looking over them. You and I are through.

ANGELIQUE: (surprised) What?

ROGER: Annulled as of yesterday and about time, too!

ANGELIQUE: (haughty) Well! That was a lot of bother to go through.

ROGER: It certainly was. I say, (starting to get wispy) you know… you do look rather pleasant as a blonde.

ANGELIQUE: (entrancing) C-o-m-e to me my dear.

[shuffling down the stairs]

LILY: (excited) Ah, I thought I felt a kindred fellow nearby… oh… dear. (tsking) Naughty, naughty! We're not having any of that around here tonight.

ANGELIQUE: Who can you be?

LILY: (sweet displeasure) Well, you really aren't exactly one of my kind, are you? Now off you flap my dear before I have to see to it that you don't make any trouble.

ANGELIQUE: Oh? What can you do, you ghastly pale creature?

LILY: Thanks for the compliment, dear. (slowly) Now… you are getting sl-e-e-py… and looking into my eyes… and….

[poof, sound of squeaking bat]

LILY: Now, I can see you only have enough spunk left to get back home again, so make haste getting there. Good night.

[door closes]

ROGER: (snaps to) Hmnn… Cousin Lily? What happened? I think I went into a daze.

LILY: Oh, it happens to the best of us, Cousin Roger. What that one was doing here is understandable, but not to my relations. And she wasn't very strong yet anyway.

[Flouncing up the stairs]

ROGER: Hmmnnn… Mother really should have told us more about her side of the family… but then she did always say it was complicated. And if it's more complicated than our lives have been, I don't blame her for not trying to explain it.

MILLIGAN: And while the suspense has either aggravated or utterly bored you, we re-greet Victoria Winters at the Addams Family residence, discovering that perhaps Reverend Trask of 1795 was, well, accidentally correct, and "the gift" Morticia Addams spoke of means she really was a Witch! We lead you to the workroom of Grandmama, who knows all about these things, and the three wise-women are experimenting with the unknown powers of Victoria Winters.

[Sounds of small bubbling cauldron]

VICTORIA: I don't know about this, Morticia.

MORTICIA: No need to worry, my dear. Our Grandmama knows exactly what she's doing…(falters) most of the time.

GRANDMAMA: Now! I have charged the cauldron with the correct ingredients. I believe this will be quite an experience for you and you mustn't be afraid… much… Let's see what you can do, Victoria. Stare into the vapour. Now we need a strong emotional charge to test this. Think of a time when you were most scared for your life.

MORTICIA: No need to be choosy, Victoria. I know there were a lot of those from what you've told me.

VICTORIA: Well… I suppose I can give it a try… (recalling in fear & angst) Hmm… OH! Yes! I was in the… the past and hiding from that dreadful, so-called reverend. What a disappointment he was…

[cauldron bubbles stronger indicating some magic change]

GRANDMAMA: Golly-Moses! What a widows-peak he had!

MORTICIA: (satisfied) Ah, I love this spell. Seeing memories displayed on vapour is far better than what I've seen of television in my estimation.

VICTORIA: (sighing viciously) Oh… he was such a terrible man. I suppose he thought he was good but I don't see how he could have believed it himself.

GRANDMAMA: (knowingly) Well, I can see why you wouldn't want to be called a witch considering what that Trask kept playing at. I know how you feel about that word, you know.

VICTORIA: Thank you.

GRANDMAMA: And I see… for a man of the 18th century he seemed to have a… preoccupation for Volkswagons… (baffled) if he was able to see into the future he ought not have behaved so cruelly toward you.

VICTORIA: I'm sorry, Mrs Addams, he was drawing my initials in front of the house to try and exorcise me or something. Of course some other mischief made me run outside… Then he was sure he'd proven his nonsensical point… but I doubt that man could ever imagine what an automobile is with all of his sad obsessions.

GRANDMAMA: (jovially) Oh, whoops! I do understand what you mean, Victoria Winters... Well, we're not exactly looking for a memory that is that far back anyway. But, with practice… you could project your memories soon of your infancy. That will help you to determine who your parents are. We will need to practice your skills before we get there, though.

VICTORIA: Why is that? If I can see what I know I've lived through, surely I'll be able to project the harder material, won't I?

MORTICIA: Well, my dear Victoria. The Craft has never been so simple, but thankfully you have a head start already.

VICTORIA: I hope I never have to go through all that again. It's hard to believe that Reverend Trask could have been right about anything.

GRANDMAMA: It is a somewhat tolerable thing to imagine, my dears. That man accused almost everyone of being a witch. He was simply obsessed with bringing people down, when his vocation was supposed to do the opposite.

MORTICIA: Like, I said. These things tend to start with people in authority taking advantage.

VICTORIA: Now I see why you all keep to the house most of the time, Morticia.

MORTICIA: Precisely my dear. Create your own little sanctuary and enjoy it to the full.

HECUBUS: A most ingenious discovery! And perhaps only The Addams Family could really make this work with our V. W. love-bug. Having peeped at that gesture of the mystic, we lead you back to our residents at the Old House in Josette's room, some of which may merely be guests, but if you want more wistful moments of compassion (disappointed) you'll likely get them.

[pull of curtains]

MAGGIE: Oh… oh my…

BARNABAS: What is it?

MAGGIE: Come and look at this.

BARNABAS: (steps) Oh, my word… look at Mr. Loomis… grinning to beat the Devil… do you think he's gone mad?

MAGGIE: No… (taps window) see, there's Sarah there, too, behind that tree.

BARNABAS: What are they're doing, do you suppose? He isn't trying to terrorize her, I hope.

MAGGIE: No, you goose. (wonderment) They are… they're playing.

BARNABAS: Willie? Playing? Are you sure?

MAGGIE: (happily) Yes… think about it, Barnabas. Willie's really had a rough time of it. He couldn't have gotten so mixed up on his own. Is it any wonder he went down such a bad road for so long? For all we know he may never have even had much of a decent childhood.

BARNABAS: (light laugh) Well… it looks like he's having one now… I should have known.


BARNABAS: That sister of mine has always been able to work miracles somehow. If she wasn't so very young and a ghost… I'd say … he's practically falling in love with her.

MAGGIE: He could be anyway. There is a that possibility, not only with lovers but with friends.

BARNABAS: Ah… I see. However, I do enjoy knowing I have the chance of being with someone who to me… is both.

MAGGIE: Do you really mean that?

BARNABAS: Implicitly.

MAGGIE: Thank you… and just to be careful, I doubt I'm ready for that fool music box just yet.

BARNABAS: Then why do you mention it?

MAGGIE: Because… I think they… need one of their own.

[rustling of leaves, music box of Carol Ann's Theme blends in faintly.]

SARAH: You are very surprising.

WILLIE: Not like you. Aren't you going to run through the trees? You could probably hide inside them.

SARAH: Not so much. I'm quite solid… mostly.

WILLIE: Why is that?

SARAH: It's hard to do, but I had some help from someone.


SARAH: It's not important. But your curiousity is good. You'll go far with that if you try.

WILLIE: Huh? Heh, (vaguely dejected) things can't get better than this.

[more rustling sounds of leaves, as if laying or sitting up]

SARAH: How do you know?

WILLIE: Well… I guess I don't really know, do I? … Sarah, why have you stayed here for so long? So many years… isn't there more… things to keep yeh busy… where you're from?

SARAH: Yes… and there are ways of coming back, you know. As… someone else.

WILLIE: Oh? Why didn't you do that?

SARAH: I may have once. I can't remember right now. But there was too much unfinished here.

WILLIE: You're right about that, Miss Collins.

SARAH: Am I really the only Miss Collins here?

WILLIE: As far as I know. It's nice that there finally is one… Sarah, do you dream?

SARAH: Funny question. Of course I do. When I'm gone do you know what I dream about?


SARAH: The past, our lives here, that's when I have all of the answers, and then I wake up and I lose almost all of them.

WILLIE: (awkward laughter) I think… I think I know what you mean.

[shuffling of leaves]

DAVID: Sarah! Sarah? Oh! There you—Oh… Willie Loomis?

WILLIE: (vaguely stunned) David Collins? Well… betcha never expected to see me again, huh?

DAVID: No… and… not sitting with Sarah on a pile of leaves. That's for sure

WILLIE: Well, I suppose ya both have some catching up to do… if you haven't already.

DAVID: Oh… Willie, what happened?

WILLIE: You should ask her. She's the one likely making so much good come out of the rest'a us.

[gets up and steps through leaves]

SARAH: Wait, Willie, don't go.

WILLIE: Why not? Don't the two a' you wanna spend time together?

SARAH: Why don't you stay with us?

WILLIE: Well, I could… but, I know what it's like now to spend time alone with you, Sarah and… I think I'd rather let David enjoy that too.

DAVID: (surprised) Really?

WILLIE: Yeh… besides, Wadsworth's going to show me the kitchen and a few other things we gotta do. I'm looking forward to it… surprisingly.

DAVID: So! You've met the new butler?

WILLIE: (laughs) Ah, David Collins… you don't know the half of it! Not the half… We actually go way back.

DAVID: Really? Well, that's a surprise! Did he come here just because of you or something?

WILLIE: You could say that, but I don't think it's the whole truth. Besides, Sarah can likely catch ya up on the details. She knows things… maybe not all the time… but she knows.

[rustling of walking through leaves]

DAVID: Wow… he's… he's…

SARAH: Calmer now?

DAVID: Yeah! How can that be, Sarah?

SARAH: People love him now… and… I think they always did, really.

DAVID: (pleasantly) That IS hard to believe… but… That's great… Hmm, I guess that Jason McGuire really hurt him a lot, more than the rest of the grown-ups, maybe. I can hardly believe even Willie could change.

SARAH: (confidently) I did … so… what would you like to do today, David?

DAVID: Oh! Well, I was wondering, Sarah. Do you know how to play hopscotch?

SARAH: Oh, yes… I think that game's been around longer than I can remember… but I'm not sure I know how you play it. Can you show me?

DAVID: (enthused) Sure!

HECUBUS: And back in Josette's aquamarine room of many ornate fixtures.

MAGGIE: That was a delight. I think I'm going to love this window now after having seen that… [steps and sighs, shuffling items] Hmmm…

BARNABAS: What are you doing?

MAGGIE: I was looking through the books to see if there were some I could use for David's studies. Mmm… I doubt I could use anything I brought across that vast stretch of water and time. It's all a bit antique.

BARNABAS: You still want to do that?

MAGGIE: Of course. I hate being idle, you know.

BARNABAS: Yes… you always did.

MAGGIE: Keep it up, Barnabas. You're getting very close to making all of this work out.

BARNABAS: I can hardly give myself all the credit, my dear. Although, I have to ask… who was… Kitty Soames?

[Faint piano of "Then You'll Remember Me" by Jules Bertrand in background]

MAGGIE: Oh… that's the one… that's the time… Wait, if you're asking and you don't know… There's more going on here.

BARNABAS: All this bliss… I was hoping it would finally last.

MAGGIE: From what I've seen it could. I suppose you will have to experience that affair of ours at some point.


MAGGIE: Yes… it was… well, as far as the actual sequence of time goes… it was our second try. Perhaps we'll have it this time, if we can.

BARNABAS: What happened?

MAGGIE: Don't ask for a lot from me about it. I don't want to influence you so much. But, if it comes to another journey through time, backwards instead of forwards, you'll have to trust that you'll come back to this Josette standing here afterward.

[music fades out]

BARNABAS: And if that does happen, should I tell… well… you, what's happening?

MAGGIE: No… I'd be confused enough and it's all somewhere in my recollection as it is.

BARNABAS: Then, if I do have to see it, what will I need to keep in mind?

MAGGIE: To be of help to others and, for what it's worth, enjoy what you can of it.

BARNABAS: Is that all I should remember?

MAGGIE: Oh… well, one thing might be helpful and easy to recall at times through all that mess. You know what they say… "Third times the charm."


WADSWORTH: Ah, sir? Madam?

MAGGIE: Wadsworth… I SO enjoy that way you have of addressing people.

WADSWORTH: We aim to please, madam… moiselle.

MAGGIE (laughs) Thank you…

BARNABAS: My good man, what did you have to report?

WADSWORTH: Mrs. Elizabeth Stoddard, of whom I have to wonder why she hangs on to that beastly last name, is requesting all attention at the main house of Collinwood for a special gathering, immediately.

MAGGIE: Interesting! And… I suppose she keeps the name for the sake of convention.

WADSWORTH: Agreed… and if I may ask…


WADSWORTH: What name would madam prefer among her centenaries string of monikers?

MAGGIE: Good description! I have… jokingly… been considering my double agent past, sad as it was.

WADSWORTH: Ein alter Freund?

MAGGIE: Ja… it was insightful… but I think I wasn't the nicest of men.

BARNABAS: I'd try not to think about it at all, except that it's completely intriguing.

MAGGIE: I'm only fooling around, Barnabas Collins. I, as Bachmeier, had some spiteful ways of going about things.

WADSWORTH: I suppose it was a clearing of the stress levels, madam.

MAGGIE: Thank you… so, as a potential fiancé or governess, am I invited to the gathering of the clan?

BARNABAS: If you aren't… I shall… spit.

WADSWORTH: (aghast) Sir… I'd hate to believe you'd change so much to expectorate upon your home.

MAGGIE: (light chuckling) I think he meant it, like, you know… "hiss and spit". Kind of a growl.

WADSWORTH: Ah! Ahem… but still. It was a nasty visual.

MAGGIE: Yes… but far better than seeing blood dripping from his jowls. Shall we?

MILLIGAN: And so, a gathering of the clan takes place within the drawing room. One would expect a number of stink-eyes and suspiciously raised brows at the affection our love-bats are obviously NOT hiding from each other or anyone else. However, with all the changes everyone else has achieved, the pleasant Collins family has settled for looking at Barnabas and Miss Evans with a quaint amusement… and perhaps some dainty smirks.

ELIZABETH: Ah, yes… well, it is good to see you all and that so many of you are… getting along… with each other. I've gathered all of you here for a purpose. I've come to a decision, a very big one and after all of this time I have decided that… I'm going to sell Collinwood.

[snippet of 'Tension: "Oh, Oh" (Similar version)' DS music by Robert Colbert]

EVERYONE ELSE: WHAT? (and various exclaimations) YEEP! YIKES! HUH? WHA-?

BARNABAS: (steps in hopefully) Ah…How much?

ELIZABETH: Well, actually I just wanted to get the attention of all of you. (laughs) I see that it worked.

BARNABAS: (under breath) Damn!

ROGER: Barnabas Collins, why the hell would you want BOTH houses?

BARNABAS: Just a pipe dream, Roger.

ROGER: (scoffing laugh) I very much doubt that.

CAROLYN: (chuckling) That was a good one, Mother!

ROGER: Ah… developing a broader sense of humour too, Kitten?

CAROLYN: Meow, Uncle Roger.

ELIZABETH: Anyway, as some of you know I have an extended trip planned with Cousin Lily, and I want all of you to take good care of this place… if you can. We'll hopefully not revert to our old ways. As one of our ancestors has said, "I try to pretend that we're nicer than we actually are and then something always comes up that makes me face the truth."

CAROLYN: Who said that, Mother?

ELIZABETH: I believe Judith Collins, of whose other last name I shan't mention.

CAROLYN: (distaste) I know… YUCK!

ROGER: Ah, yes! Yet another holy man of dubious intentions… They do seem to be in the habit of getting walled up around here.

MAGGIE: I see… so that's why the chapel on the estate has been crumbling.

CAROLYN: If you could find it underneath all that Mother Nature grew over it.

BARNABAS: Ahem… I never expected all these tragedies to be discussed so openly… or dare I say, casually.

ROGER: Well, have you ever read, "How To Stop Worrying and Start Living", Cousin Barnabas?

BARNABAS: Not entirely… but I see that you have. Cousin Elizabeth, who is this Cousin Lily of which you speak?

HECUBUS: And in order to brief this discussion, we take you to its conclusion in the foyer.

ELIZABETH: Ah, Barnabas, I realize you haven't met our cousin Lily? You can see her in the study from here.

BARNABAS: Erm, she is a bit pale.

ELIZABETH: (amused) Yes, perhaps you know something about that, Cousin.

BARNABAS: Oh? Are you developing a sense for odd questions?

ELIZABETH: Ha, ah. I wanted to let you know, she's actually a bit less pale. Looks a little different from when she first got here. She's a bit more like I remember her when we went on a vacation a long time ago. I'm sure she has a little laboratory in her medicine case.

BARNABAS: Yes, my valet also dabbles in chemistry. Seems to be a delightful hobby hereabouts.

ELIZABETH: Well, I know that Miss Evans is chatting with her in the study over the coffee. Perhaps you could join them?

BARNABAS: Oh, perhaps they'd prefer to chat by themselves?

ELIZABETH: Cousin Barnabas…(pointedly) it's Borgia.


ELIZABETH: The coffee blend… it's Borgia…

BARNABAS: (snorts) I see! You really wanted to get me in there, didn't you?


[Steps, bare creak of door]

BARNABAS: Cousin Lily? It is a pleasure.

LILY: Oh, yes! I've so been longing to see you, Cousin Barnabas. No need on the formalities. Please be seated.

[sounds of sitting down]

LILY: Well, I'd been wanting to make sure it really was you. (very casually) Barnabas, are you a vampire?

[shocking jerks and gasps fill room]

BARNABAS: (hesitant) Well… erm… not so much… anymore?

LILY: Oh, hmm. Guess you've been dabbling in chemistry, too. We all have that hobby.

BARNABAS: (with trepidation) How can you be… so… cheerful about the subject?

LILY: Oh? Well, I thought you'd noticed… I'm one.

[more shocking gasps and startled noises, cups and saucers clatter]

BARNABAS: What? Then… how… how is it you are able to go around in the day?

LILY: Oh? Oh! There are many different kinds of us. Sort of like mortals. Didn't my father ever tell you that? Oh… well, maybe you and he never really met. I heard you were a bit tied up somewhere for a while.

BARNABAS: Um… erm… a while doesn't describe it very… accurately.

MAGGIE: Isn't that the truth?

LILY: Well, if you ever want to be one again, with more conveniences, feel free to ask me.

BARNABAS: (shocked) Good heavens… I doubt I would!

LILY: Ohh… (vaguely confused) I suppose you had an unpleasant version of it. But there are nice ones. I have no need to feel cursed at all. Not like that other girl who came by.

BARNABAS: What? Who? What other girl do you mean?

LILY: Oh, the blonde one. She's just a baby, but she's a cursed one, I'm sure. I managed to pop her into a bat before she got nasty with Roger. I guess she was getting the update on their annulment and wanted a good-bye drink out of him.

MAGGIE: (stunned) Too bad you're leaving, Lily. We could use the help from you.

LILY: Aw… well there's plenty of help around here. Haven't you seen Uncle Caleb? He acted very knowingly about you, Cousin Barnabas. It certainly got me curious.

BARNABAS: As I am about him now. Does he… dwell… at the Seaview property?

LILY: Of course! He's a bit crusty and harsh with how he speaks to people but I could see he's had a hard time of it too, so don't let it get to you…. (thoughtful) Hmm… You know, Your portrait doesn't do you justice. I think you should have lowered your head a bit. It would have brought out your eyes more and your chin less.

BARNABAS: Well, I have another… more modern.

LILY: With that lovely coat of yours?

MAGGIE: Nope. But maybe we can convince him to have another go at it. I'm sure my father wouldn't mind. He's really fallen in love with his work again. That pleases me to no end. Then I could stop horsing around at that diner.

BARNABAS: Oh? I'll miss our times there… but I won't argue with that. Now… if I may take my leave. (sounds of rising) I better find out about this Uncle Caleb.

MILLIGAN: Ah, we do have some elegant vampires with good manners roaming around. And so, after my old bridge partner kisses Lily's hand and leans into our waitress for a kiss-

HECUBUS: Master! In front of Lily?

MILLIGAN: M-a-y-b-e… do you really think that perky-Goth would mind? She has a penchant for dark love and this IS the 1960's after all! Either way, he'll need the stored affection if he's to put up with Kooky Caleb. Currently with those not attending Elizabeth's gathering, are Willie Loomis and Wadsworth, who have an interesting chat while looking through the kitchen arrangements.

WILLIE: Ya got all that situated the way I would'a expected from you. It's all ordered so nicely…

WADSWORTH: I DO like to keep the kitchen tidy.

WILLIE: (laughs) Don't I know it! That Mrs. Ho had nothing to complain about.

WADSWORTH: If only she had a better butler. Ahem… So, as you can see [shifting of cupboard panel] I'm stacking the pans for baking on this bottom shelf and the ones for the range on the top. Top and bottom, should be easier to remember…

WILLIE: Ya did always have good ideas about how to organize things… Hmm… wish I… well…

WADSWORTH: Mr. Loomis, what hampers you?

WILLIE: Heh! Nice way of puttin' it! I suppose with all my work on the pen, it make me wonder if I have anything to present to this shoddy place.

WADSWORTH: Ah, you're time with Professor Stokes? Why don't you tell me?

WILLIE: (sigh) I guess I should. It really threw me for a loop!

WADSWORTH: And what surprised you about that experience?

WILLIE: That… someone… anyone… well, they weren't exactly giving me a chance if you know what I mean.

WADSWORTH: Oh? Weren't they?

WILLIE: Eh… it wasn't like that. But when he put down all them materials and explained them… I mean, I knew some of them already… but when he took the pen out and gave it to me, something… touched me…

WADSWORTH: I hope it wasn't a bug… Wyndcliff ought to be more hygienic than that.

WILLIE (laughing cough) Nah… but it was like… he wasn't askin' me to prove myself, or had that weird kind of faith or hope or whatever… (thoughtful, somewhat dreamy) It was like… he just knew that I could… completely knew it… accepted it like it was a plain old fact ta'him… That was strange to me.

WADSWORTH: Now you're seeing my point. The Professor didn't ask you to do him a favour or chore. He just made an offer to let you learn something, or just do something.

WILLIE: Yeh… yeh… and usually… I get a lotta bossin' around… I get harped on or harassed and ordered without much thanks… (laughing cough) If any.

WADSWORTH: Yes… I can understand that. You remember how I lost my…

WILLIE: Ohhhh… No need to go inta that, now. That would have given me cause to be more direct about revenge than you did. A good lady is nothing to joke about… though… I have been around too many stupid guys who did. (Quietly) Myself bein' one of them…

WADSWORTH: That's an admirable thing to hear, Mr. Loomis. You have the makings of a fine companion to the right lady in the future.

WILLIE: (laughing for a long pace) Ah… me? No way… I've certainly failed at THAT enough times. I'd rather enjoy a dream like that than… believe something so darn crazy could come true.

WADSWORTH: Give yourself more credit, Mr. Loomis.

WILLIE: (whining sigh) Ehhh… why should I? (snickering) Hmph! Give myself more credit…

WADSWORTH: We do. … and now, Mr. Loomis, perhaps a good nap is in order after all your hard work?

WILLIE: (slow eruption of shock) What? WHAT? I… I… I… actually get to SLEEP?

WADSWORTH: (pleased) Of course, Mr. Loomis. We ALL do these days.

[dogs howling]

WILLIE: (quick state of terror) Ahhh… no… Y'see, y'see! The dogs are howling again. I knew what y'said… I knew! It couldn't last! It just couldn't!

WADSWORTH: (somewhat impatient) Then don't go outside, Mr. Loomis. I'm willing to purchase more trousers for you but not an entire spring wardrobe. (sniffs twice) Oh dear… did you step in anything… out there?

HECUBUS: Well, that was rather heartwarming and a bit funny consider the past of those two. Now, we join my Master's old bridge partner, as he steps into the Seaview Property… the very one our obnoxious Blair just can't have!


[stomping footsteps]

BARNABAS: Caleb Collins? I've heard of you! Perhaps you'd like to speak to me?

[stomping continues then an echoing laugh]

BARNABAS: I see… you DO exist! (shudders)

[stomping comes to cease, brooding DS flute music]

CALEB: (usual Maine accent squawk) Ah! Hee hee hee… well… I see… Barnabas Colllins… would yer please STOP?!

BARNABAS: Stop… what?

CALEB: Stop bein' so damned perturbed… really… You became a vampire because of a witch… that's fantastic enough… then you lost your woman to a cliff fall. And she keeps incarnating for yer dingy company…Somewhere in there you lost your sister, who's come back to you for a while almost 200 years later anyway… and about a thousand and one other things y'could mention. Haven't you ever… mellowed to all this garbage?!

BARNABAS: Well… erm…

CALEB: (more echoing laughter) NAH! I didn't think so… Still soooo Mr. Darcy, Barnabas Collins.

BARNABAS: "Pride and Prejudice"? I suppose that's a finer character to be mistaken for than that other Mr. Collins in the book.

CALEB: (More echoing laughter) Isn't that the truth? Still… when it comes to our lives… or lack thereof… Can't take a chuckle over the inanity of it yet, eh? (groan) Well, don't worry. Uncle Caleb is still hanging around… eh, maybe I should say Nephew Caleb in your case.

BARNABAS: Ah… I suppose… what would you like from me?

CALEB: Well! For one thing y'could thank that butler of yours a bit more… eh, I suppose you do. But honestly, yer do realize when you and Burke Devlin were having your verbose chess match in my house over Victoria Winters… hee hee hee… it was rather amusing.

BARNABAS: (cough) As matters have turned out, I suppose it is… now…

CALEB: That's better. You do realize she's Elizabeth's daughter, right?

[more spooky DS flute music to bring home the point]

BARNABAS: (shock) What?

CALEB: Yeh! Dead pan give away, Barnabas Collins… ooo, ah, oh! P'ff.

BARNABAS: Then that would make Victoria…

CALEB: YEH-! Someone yer shouldn't'a persued at ALL, huh?


CALEB: Hee hee hee! That's why I say y'should thank yer butler, considering Miss Winters. Really dodged a silver bullet with that one, eh?

BARNABAS: (darkly) As you say… and I will thank him… but for my purpose here… They told me about the handy man for this house… Tell me… Why are you so concerned over this Tom Jennings?

CALEB: In case yer hadn't guessed! He's one of ours, fat-head! And… what with what's happening to him, he's gonna be more trouble. Someone's gotta look out for him, and it might as well be me. All the nonsense in this town just from your one little night stand or whatever… incredible.

BARNABAS: No need to rub in the salt.

CALEB: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! (laughter eventually echoes) Ah, good,… yer developing a sense of humour after all. An' it's about time! [music fades out] That mistress of yours, she's always been what yer needed and I hope you achieve her. She's got a fine sense of humour… and… I suppose you knew that minus the times yer forgot. And after what the two a'yer been through, I doubt you'll neglect her.

BARNABAS: Thank you for that. Now, Tom Jennings…

CALEB: It's a problem, that… I'm worried we can't save him. But there is more to him than just a pretty face and winning workmanship. He's got more family and they'll be our concern for sure. Trouble bein', you can't stick around in this "Summer of Love" much longer.

BARNABAS: What? After all we've been through? Wait… summer of…?

CALEB: Pff (tiredly) it's just an expression. I've got some aerial nodes of my own, you know… wait, never mind, that'll confuse yer, too. Anyway, if you're as good as you've gotten and keep on going, it'll be here waiting for you, and my connections swear there will be none of that parallel time nonsense.

BARNABAS: Parallel Time?

CALEB: (tiredly sighs) It's when you alter the past so that when you time-travel back to the present a bunch things are different, also known as The Butterfly Effect. You can ask any of the dames you know about it. They're all smart girls. But know this… another journey filled with the same spite you remember about this place is coming close… and if you prove your worth in that, she'll still be waiting for you, that Margaret Dupres.

BARNABAS: Margaret Dupres?

CALEB: (impatiently) Or Kitty Evans, or Josette Soames, or Lady Hansel Hampshire, whatever! … all I know and you know… is that's it's her. And that's the one smart decision you've ever been determined about. I know there's something deeper in that desire of yours… and I WELCOME IT!

BARNBAS: Hmm (light scoff) From your demeanor, I expected you to be like the rest in believing I did want an object of no complexity.

CALEB: Hardly, Uncle Barnabas, hardly. I've had to watch this town in total disgust while they all ate each other alive and then regurgitated it… so they could repeat the grotesque performance. And among the smart girls… I still have hope there might be some smart chaps among 'em. They certainly deserve it.

BARNABAS: (noddingly) We agree.

CALEB: Aye… and yes, She would be the one to help change this place. You'd be sated at last, and she cares about people far more, with a genuine affection. Like Tom, she's not just a pretty face either. It's sad how beauty attracts on the outside so much, when there is so much more to it. Pesky, that is.

BARNABAS: But lovely if that combination can be found and admired all at once.

CALEB: HAHAHA! With that Maggie, a combination is dead right. And she will change this place. She's always been everyone's friend, really. She's already changed you, and that's no small accomplishment. Now, when you see some ghosts in the main house, don't shake in yer shoes… though they will be more silent than I. Just come back and I'll let you know what you need to do.

HECUBUS: And later that night, we see that our Kooky Caleb was sadly correct to worry about Tom Jennings, as he has stumbled upon a beautiful, but very thirsty, young vampire along the wharf.

[ocean background, steps on wooden planks]

TOM: Say… you seem awfully lonely, if you don't mind my wondering.

ANGELIQUE: (sadly) Ah… Thank you. I'm just thinking over some decisions I've made. I was hoping gazing at the ocean might relieve some of the weakness I've been feeling.

TOM: Aw, that's too bad. I know what you mean about weakness. My work has really been sapping my strength, too.

ANGELIQUE: Oh? I suppose you may be the gentleman I'm looking for. Won't put up a fight, and I… do have a tendency to get wrath out of people.

TOM: (wonder) Really? I can't see how such a good looking lady like you could hurt a flea. Though I suppose there is more to people than looks.

ANGELIQUE: Hmm, I have had trouble with that one. Though I dare say, you're not just a handsome fellow, yourself.

TOM: (gladly) Thanks. Good to hear the compliment returned. (Shivers a bit) It's rather cold here. And I've got more funds than usual these days… Would you care to come with me for a drink?

ANGELIQUE: (excited with anticipation) Ohh… a drink… to warm up? Why, yes. (darkly) I'd l-o-v-e one... from you.

[downfall crescendo music, then Cincinatti Pop Orchestra version of "Carol Ann's Theme", with lyrics]

As evening shadows grow deep and long, reaching across the bed,

Mother and Father hear childrens prayers,now as they bow their heads,

Bless this house; bless this house, and the souls within,

Through the night til it's light again.

Guide our hearts, through the dark, to the breaking day,

Bless this house, bless this house, we pray.

Save me from bad dreams, if they should come, raging into my heart,

Keep us together one family, nothing can tear apart,

Bless this house; bless this house, and the souls within,

Through the night til it's light again,

Guide our hearts, through the dark, to the breaking day,

Bless this house, bless this house

We pray…

Give us arms to hold that are right and strong,

When the night goes on too long,

Bring us a morning wide as the sea, where love will be our ark,

Standing together one family, nothing can tear apart,

Bless this house, bless this house

and the souls within, through the night til it's light again,

Guide our hearts, through the dark, to the breaking day,

Bless this house, bless this house

We pray...

All Due Respect to:

The Kids in The Hall

The Addams Family (1960's TV Show)

The Munsters (1960's TV Show)

Clue (1980's film)

Poltergeist derivative soundtrack

And of course,

Dark Shadows (1960's TV Show)

"The Pit of Ultimate Dark Shadows" is a Daryl Wor production.

AN: Well folks? Yep! We're back on the road. Let us know what you enjoyed or what touched you in this episode. Finding that out is, of course, the main reason we share things online.

(I'll be doing my best to stay away from Facebook. It's an addiction and if others cannot face that, I am going to face it. So please use the message system here, email, Skype, the telephone if you have my number, or the various other technological wonders available if you'd like to get in touch. I still love me some paper mail, too. Cheers.)