A/N: Been workin' on this one for a coupla years, eh? Well here it is, and on podomatic, podbay, iTunes, googleplay, and archive dot org, as usual. Hope you're ready for The Ghost With The Most. Happy Hallowe'en!


The Pit of Ultimate Dark Shadows Episode 16: A Death in the Family

[Pit of Ultimate Darkness Theme]

MILLIGAN: Hello. My name is Sir Simon Milligan and I welcome you to The Pit of Ultimate Dark Shadows. And in these Shadows what dreams may come? Bourn is the death of our beloved handy-man, Tom Jennings, who we understand to be a family relation, or so our ghoulish Caleb Collins has referred to him as.

HECUBUS: Yes, Master.

MILLIGAN: AHH! Oh, piffle. We might as well assume you're here whenever I am, Hecubus. It would make the intro much shorter as things go…

HECUBUS: This is true, my evil Lord.

MILLIGAN: And as per usual, our beloved and evil Angelique has worked up some mischief to which others must suffer and… oh… what is it, Hecubus?

HECUBUS: (sniffing) Oh, we know she's polite… when is she going to show it?

MILLIGAN: Yes, I know, my wee wicked one, it is getting to be a bit much after all the joy we finally were able to conjure up around here… but she IS a toughie, I'm afraid. (Contemplative) You know… everyone seems to holler after you more, Hecubus. Maybe YOU could get her on a date instead of me.

HECUBUS: (delighted) ME, Master?

MILLIGAN: Yes, sure, why not?

[Hoots and hollers from the audience.]

HECUBUS: (gleefully) Oh, my! That cheered me up.

MILLIGAN: As it was intended to. And now that we're over it as far as an introduction goes, we continue with the story. Willie Loomis is a little perturbed.

HECUBUS: Why, Master? Because of Angelique's blood drain on Tom Jennings?

MILLIGAN: No… it's something more we'd be perturbed by. You see, there's a woman in The Old House, who remained overnight.

HECUBUS: Oh, of course! Well, yes, I could see how that would perturb us, a bit exciting that. So why is she able to stay there?

MILLIGAN: Well, if one is sharing time with the ghost of a potential sister-in-law, however corporeal now in form, I suppose our Miss Evans has come to understand that's a good a chaperone as any. Besides, since she's gone through her triple-past-life-regression, it IS her room, isn't it? Perhaps she wants to get used to feeling safe in there. I could easily see how she could, anyway. Light blue quarters ARE supposed to calm the nerves, or so I've heard.

HECUBUS: Yes, I believe they do, Master. But now we must continue our saga along the twisting, curving path of… General Hospital…

[Cricket chirp]

MILLIGAN: Wrong show, Hecubus.

HECUBUS: No, Master. We mean, by which, the general hospital of Collinsport, wherever that may be and whatever it's called.

MILLIGAN: It's called The Collinsport Hospital, you dumb devil-bunny!

HECUBUS: Whoops! Of course, Master.

[Crashing waves, Dark Shadows theme music, blah, blah, blah]

HECUBUS: And so, Dr. Hoffman and Professor Stokes, having been called at Dr. Hoffman's less dusty office, while sorting through her mail and staff records, were related the information that a certain unusual death had been discovered. There was another doctor involved but the Nurses were too busy to explain quite who he was as they had many skinned knees and elbows to tend to. BUT… they let her know to come and view the trouble right away.


[Hospital background sounds, flipping pages…]

STOKES: Hmm, seems like a Dr. Pierce is in charge of the remains of a… erm… Tom Jennings, Julia.

HOFFMAN: Tom Jennings? I think he was the handy man at the old Seaview Property of Collinwood, wasn't he?

STOKES: Yes, Julia, he is… erm, well, he was, I suppose. Looks as though one Dr. Pierce brought him in unannounced and has made due to take his autopsy into his own hands.

HOFFMAN: Oh, well… wait… Doctor Pierce? From Crabapple Cove?

STOKES: I have no knowledge from whence the man dwells, Dr. Hoffman. Why, what is perturbing you, so?

HOFFMAN: (irritated sigh) Oh… good lord! Why him?

STOKES: What's wrong, Julia. Is he a quack?

HOFFMAN: (laughing cough) Ohh… he's a fine doctor, but he does quack things up something fierce. Or something pierce… wonderful, now I'm already doing it! Oh… (defeated angst) what did I do to deserve this?

STOKES: I am intrigued at the prospect of meeting someone who is having this effect on you. We only know his name and it's not uncommon. Let us venture forward to the room and investigate the body.

[steps sounding down hall, M*A*S*H* background music cue, door opens]

HOFFMAN: (takes a breath and carefully speaks) Dr. Pierce?

HAWKEYE: (as enthusiastic as ever) Yowza, yowza, yowza… look at that doctor and, s-a-y… what a distinguished looking chap you've got there. Finally getting some vamoose, Hoffman?

STOKES: (intrigued) Well, I can see what she meant when she described you to me, Dr. Pierce. Allow me to introduce myself. I am Professor Stokes.

HAWKEYE: (happily flamboyant) AH! Quite so! By the looks of things I can see you've STOKED her fire a bit. Quite an accomplishment… I couldn't get a nuzzle out of her, myself.

HOFFMAN: (resignedly, with little hope) Dr. Pierce… could you please be serious for once?

HAWKEYE: (kick-back) Nope! Can't afford it, Hoffman… Even now that I'm making good money again. Well, Proff- I'd shake hands but I'm a little gloved at the moment.

STOKES: (accepting) Of course. How is the… well, the patient?

HAWKEYE: (incredulous) Patient? You mean deceased. He's just fine. Quite out of his misery, I'm sure. Completely drained dry by some blood sucker. I hear the mosquitoes can grow to human size around here.

STOKES: (vaguely aghast) Goodness! You appear to take this in stride, Dr. Pierce. Have you been to Collinsport before? You sound like you're very aware of its peculiarities.

HAWKEYE: Oh! I know about Collinsport… (laughing) Say the secret word…? And a rubber bat will flap down and give you a hundred dollars! (still laughing)

HOFFMAN: You see? I told you. Dr. Pierce, how did you come into this mess anyway?

HAWKEYE: Well they don't call me Hawkeye for nothing, Dr. Hoffman. I was on my way to a surgical convention.

HOFFMAN: (incredulous) A surgical convention, Dr. Pierce?

HAWKEYE: Yeh, can't picture me at a place like that, right? But I wanted to see an old friend whose name I still can't figure out. All he'll ever give me is his initials.

HOFFMAN: (sighs) Well, it shouldn't surprise me YOU'RE here considering all the gags we've been having.

HAWKEYE: Ah-hahaaa! Finally seeing my point about too much drama clogging up the proverbial pipes?

HOFFMAN: Hmmph… I think it happened by accident… ever since that butler showed up here.

HAWKEYE: Oh, yes! Wadsworth. Collinsport's ode to P.G. Wodehouse.

HOFFMAN: Huh? Where did you hear that?

HAWKEYE: (shrugging) Eh, a gal I ran across in Brooklyn. She knows that housekeeper over at Collinwood.

HOFFMAN: Uh-huh… I see you still have the Hawaiian shirts beneath your coat… Guess it gives you warm thoughts in this climate.

HAWKEYE: A bit- But multi-cultural interests are rising up like the spooks around here. And someone at that Norrie's in Schooner Bay knows how to make a good Mai Tai.

HOFFMAN: (annoyed) Spooks? So… know about those too. You seem p-r-e-t-t-y amused by all this, as if you had to live through such a troubled town with all its terror.

HAWKEYE: HA! Dr. Julia Hoffman…. I know with all the supernatural hogwash going on here, really, you DO remember, as bad as all this is—I saw worse in Korea. You know that, don't you?

STOKES: Worse?

HOFFMAN: I… suppose.

HAWKEYE: You'd better. I've had enough talk therapy on your account and Sidney Freedman's that I'm almost having a normal living again. So really, Hoffman, lighten up!

HOFFMAN: (sighs and chuckles) All right, I understand. And actually I was more distressed to know you were here. At this point I shouldn't be surprised more is going on. Does the deceased even have an ounce of blood left in him?

HAWKEYE: Barely a dew drop. I'm surprised there's any moisture left in this Tom Jennings at all. He was pretty decayed already when I found him on the side of the road and just look at that hickey. I haven't seen one like that on a neck since Margaret Houlihan!

STOKES: (perturbed) Who?

HOFFMAN: (sighs) Eliot, it doesn't matter.

TOM: Why do you all keep talking about me as though I'm not even here?

HAWKEYE: It's a little distressing seeing how young this boy is… but I've seen it all. Doesn't surprise me the poor fella had it so rough around here.

TOM: Hey! I asked you-

[Music by Lustmord "The Blasted Plain" begins…]

CALEB: (almost softly) Mistah Jennings.

TOM: HUH?

CALEB: You remember me, right, Tom?

TOM: Mr. Collins?

CALEB: (Maine squawk with Victorian jibe) Yeh, that's right. Ya did a lot of werk for me, didn't ya? Ya didn't deserve all this, eh? Poor chap. I had a feeling this was going to happen.

TOM: What was going to happen?

CALEB: You're like me now… Tom. You're dead.

TOM: No… no… I feel the same… and I'm standing…

CALEB: I know, standin' right there. And so here I am. I think we make a pretty good pair, Mr. Jennings. After all, you are family. You know that now, right?

TOM: Family… No, I… wait… what's happening?

CALEB: (sighs) You're receiving the information you need; So much required about your life, about your history, about this world. Ye shan't get it all… but you're beginning to grasp it. Am I right?

[Previous music bleeds out while "El Transcurrir de las Horas" by Bosques de mi Mente, bleeds in]

TOM: (flustered) Yes… yes… I… oh no… something's wrong… with… with my brother, isn't it?

CALEB: That's right, Mr. Jennings. Your brother is in serious danger. Has been for quite some time now… and he's coming, isn't he?

TOM: (whispers name) Chris… oh… if only I'd known…

CALEB: (fed up) P'shh, if only you'd known! Don't give me that. It's been echoed across the centuries, Tom. We all say it and it means nothing. If we'd known we likely couldn't a'changed what was eventually to be. God knows I'VE tried and I keep trying.

TOM: (exhales) All right, Mr. Collins. So what do we do now?

CALEB: Come back to Seaview, Tom. I'm not really here. I'm only transmitting myself to help you come back. And you won't necessarily be stuck as I am. I made my contract, as ye know, but I haven't made my peace with this shoddy world yet. Not until it gets bettah and I can shuffle off.

TOM: So… I go with you?

CALEB: (kindly) Yes… my friend…


HECUBUS: Aw, those two do have a manner of sharing the problems at hand.

MILLIGAN: And so they do. But frankly… I'm more worried about the damsel to which I produce rivulets of drool for.

HECUBUS: Ohhhhh! Angelique as a vampire, Master?

MILLIGAN: Yes! For short let's call her… V'Angelique! It is evening and she has finally sustained enough energy after slurping the life-blood from Tom Jennings that arriving upon The Old House is a simple allocation of events. Barnabas Collins has let his guard down within the house and no wonder… The love of his life is there, as is the ghost of his sister, Sarah, his potential father-in-law and renewed comrade, Willie Loomis… So much wonder and bliss leaves our hero with his front door… unlocked.


[door opens and shuts, steps, fire crackling, DS tension music]

BARNABAS: Who is there? Who… YOU?

ANGELIQUE: (comfortably evil) You thought you were rid of me, didn't you? Well, you were wrong.

BARNABAS: (confused by dramatic events, as usual) We destroyed you.

ANGELIQUE: Frightened aren't you? Ohhh, I like seeing that expression in your face. I've been waiting for this moment for a long—

[footsteps, door swings open]

WADSWORTH: Sir, the Ev—oh, dear!

ANGELIQUE: Who are you?

WADSWORTH: I am Wadsworth. The butler.

ANGELQUE: I see. Do you know who I am?

WADSWORTH: Yes. I know, madam.

SARAH: Hello.

ANGELIQUE: (shocked gasping) Sarah!

SARAH: You remember me.

ANGELIQUE: Yes.

SARAH: And you remember what you did to me, yes?

ANGELIQUE: I… I…

SARAH: (stalwart) You made me sick. You made me sick to trick someone.

ANGELIQUE: And now… you're dead.

SARAH: Am I?

ANGELIQUE: Yes… (steps) But your brother isn't, is he, Sarah Collins? And you wouldn't want to do anything to see him hurt now, would you?

SARAH: No. But you do.

ANGELIQUE: (Inhale of breath)

[shuffling down the stairs]

WILLIE: (ready to rumble) Oh, no you don't! Don't you touch her!

ANGELIQUE: So? Another loved one I'll need to make use of. Aren't you… handsome?

WILLIE: (threatening) Sure, lady, sure! Ya wanna stop making trouble for us now that things are better? Don't ya get my back up.

ANGELIQUE: Or what? Would a nice fellow like you strike a woman?

WILLIE: Believe me… I've done worse.

ANGELIQUE: Ah, but… Wouldn't you like to oblige a… well… deserving vampire…?

WILLIE: (slowly) As far as I got things strait… I already have. Now you, you stay away from this little girl, y'here me, lady?

SARAH: She can't harm me, Willie. Not anymore-

WILLIE: I DON'T CARE! People can be hurt beyond graves, beyond words, beyond any a'this stuff! Memories linger… I know that for sure.

[pause]

ANGELIQUE: (twirl) it's you. You're the one in my way. Wadsworth is it?

WADSWORTH: (vague surprise) Me? Why me?

ANGELIQUE: You're the only one here that doesn't seem to fit. You came from somewhere. Somewhere very far away. You don't belong in this house.

[background music alters from DS to Clue]

BARNABAS: He belongs here far more than you do.

ANGELIQUE: Oh? (breathy) Wadsworth. I'll make you sorry you ever started this. One day where we're alone together?

WADSWORTH: (honest) Madam, no man in his right mind would be alone together with you.

WILLIE: (amused) Hhmph… That would explain a lot about Barnabas.

BARNABAS: (sarcastically) THANK YOU, Willie… Well to make a long story short…

WILLIE & WADSWORTH: Too late.

WADSWORTH: Might I sing her out of the house again, Sir? So to speak?

ANGELIQUE: That was you?!

BARNABAS: (smug) Ahhh, admitting the Cassandra role now? It's about time.

ANGELIQUE: (huffy noise) You're all against me. Everyone has always been against me.

WILLIE: With good reason from the looks of it.

ANGELIQUE: Enough. It's obvious I'm no match here so I have a solution… Barnabas? I shall give you 24 hours. You will meet me in the foyer at Collinwood then, and you will give me your answer to our eventually union, the one that was always meant to be, and you know it. No matter what happens, no matter what new friends or old family stands in the way.

[Clue background music morphs back into DS background tension music]

BARNABAS: (incredulous) I see. And if I don't?

ANGELIQUE: The ruin will happen again, and I can do it. You've likely heard about Tom Jennings departure by now.

BARNABAS: Yes.

ANGELIQUE: So we're agreed. Don't be fooled by your recent fortune. I will stop at nothing.

[door opens and shuts]

BARNABAS: Willie, how did you know about…?

WADSWORTH: I have made some efforts to apprise Mr. Loomis of Miss Bouchard's dreaded conquests. I believe he understands where you've been coming from all this time, Sir.

WILLIE: I sure do. I can understand that kind of monster creating the same thing in someone else.

BARNABAS: How is that, Willie?

WILLIE: Jason, Barnabas, Jason McGuire, among others. That's all y'need to know.

SARAH: (placating) Willie, come upstairs with me, won't you?

WILLIE: (calming down) Sure, sure little girl… I'll go.

WADSWORTH: I shall follow you both shortly.

[stair steps, music fades out]

WADSWORTH: Distress is often a mainstay here, Sir. But as Mrs. Stoddard has quoted an old friend of hers as saying, you must "plant your feet firm on the deck when a gale blows…hold your head up high and damn the Devil."

BARNABAS: Thank you, Wadsworth.

[steps on the stairs, swing of doors]

MAGGIE: We heard, Barnabas. We know.

SAM: Mmm! And it's good to hear Bill Malloy quoted. I'm not sure how that dame got in here, but… well, Bill did tell me I should lock my door if I don't want company. Guess that's good advice for a lot of us. I know nobody's supposed to lock their doors in Maine, but- in a town like Collinsport, maybe we ought to… (sighs) Good old Bill… Making sense of madness was his specialty.

[High Flute- Wall to Wall Neutral background music fades in.]

BARNABAS: Who was-?

MAGGIE: Later, Barnabas. Now we have a bigger problem, and I need to know how you're feeling.

BARNABAS: (frustration) Ohh… I can hardly fathom these circumstances. Again? I allowed myself to be compelled by lust once and all of my loved ones are being tortured for centuries? My faculties are coming unstrung with these diabolical schemes. What brings forth such hostility in a woman?

MAGGIE: I'm a woman and I couldn't tell you. (sighs) Still, I do feel a bit sorry for her.

BARNABAS: Oh? After what she did to you?

MAGGIE: (confused) Huh? Why? What did she do to me?

BARNABAS: Ah, I keep forgetting. Your father remembers some other-worldly knowledge and it seems you don't always have that… well, I'm not sure if I'd call it a luxury.

MAGGIE: What happened?

SAM: (fumbling) Oh… well she… sort of…

MAGGIE: Y-e-s? I'm waiting.

[music fades out]

SAM: Bewitched you to marry Jeremiah.

MAGGIE: (long pause to a wild fume) WHAT?!

SAM: I'm sorry, I sort of thought you knew that.

MAGGIE: (still fuming) She… she… (breathing and then letting loose) That's … FOUL! Arg! Grrrrrrr..

BARNABAS: Ahem! Oh dear.

MAGGIE: (grossed-out, angry, majorly affronted, etc.) Why didn't either of you remind me before?

SAM: (fumbling) Well… erm… you… didn't… ask?

BARNABAS: I'm very sorry I-

MAGGIE: SORRY? You shouldn't have to apologize for that! Of course! That's why that happened!

SAM: Why do you say it that way?

MAGGIE: Well, that whole business was completely puzzling for one thing! I had no interest in him!

BARNABAS: I'm not fond to admit this aloud… but I am relieved to hear that. But… Was it really so… well…

MAGGIE: BAD? YOU BET IT WAS! Haven't you ever had one of those dreams where you're in bed with someone you're not attracted to? Or worse?

BOTH MEN: Yes.

MAGGIE: And then the rest of your day is sour and nasty because the whole thing disturbs you?

BOTH MEN: Yes.

MAGGIE: All right! Imagine that in real life! And believe me; it takes more than a day or two to get over it.

BOTH MEN: (nasty sort of ewww noise one may have made in the 1960's)

MAGGIE: Exactly. If you were ever wondering why I kissed you after you shot him, and me fresh in my Widows Weeds? Now you know! Arg! Phew… I don't feel sorry for her anymore. I wouldn't put anyone through that!

BARNABAS: Not even her?

MAGGIE: Okay… maybe once. (under breath) No wonder I strangled her 70 years ago…

SAM: What was that?

MAGGIE: Later, Pop. (sighing cough) I thought we were friends…

SAM: I guess she didn't think so. And what with the way servants had it so hard… well. That might drive me mad all by itself.

BARNABAS: Agreed.

MAGGIE: Oh?

BARNABAS: Of course. Maggie… Can you imagine me as a servant?

MAGGIE: (a pause and then abrupt chuckle) Sorry… I was just putting you into a bell hop outfit… (chuckles more) It's pretty funny.

BARNABAS: (ironically) Glad you're so amused.

MAGGIE: Well! It beats thinking about that nasty spell… (shudders)

SAM: I suppose it does. But, how to resolve this problem with Angelique? That's what I'm thinking. Are either of you coming up with anything?

BARNABAS: Monsier Dupres, I have been in a quandary about that for far longer and I can't decide upon any workable answers.

MAGGIE: (breathes) Perhaps I can.

BARNABAS: How, my darling?

MAGGIE: (pauses) Uncle Caleb?


HECUBUS: And thusly the diabolical irritation has been lifted however slightly from this particular dilemma, we lead you to the packing of our two cousins, Lily and Elizabeth Stoddard.


[clothes ruffling, suitcase clicking shut]

LILY: Well! I've got the passports. Lily Drake it is! Just like all those years ago. And… [slamming down luggage top with a click] all packed. That does it for us, doesn't it?

ELIZABETH: (sighing) Yes. I am looking forward to the possibility. From what Kooky… erm, Uncle Caleb says, I'm surprised to find out it was Dover. Didn't Leslie mention Essex, Lily?

LILY: Oh, you know those soldiers, they go everywhere. And not all folks are like us, Lizzie. Some creatures move a lot. They don't have the money to stay anywhere they choose.

ELIZABETH: I can see that now… and I wonder… if he's as free as I am… do you think… he'll have me, Lily?

LILY: Oh… Lizzie, with all that passion I remember between you two, if he's free to do so he's likely waiting for you. NOW! Let me lift this pungent veil… and you tell me how I look.

[sweep of veil]

ELIZABETH: Lily Drake… you look as magnificent as I remember!

LILY: Oh? I was trying to look like so many other people. It does seem a little… non-conformist for me, doesn't it?

ELIZABETH: (laughing) Oh, nevermind. It's good, my dear. You're as charming in any condition. But so youthful. How do you manage?

LILY: Chemistry, Lizzie. It's always the wonders of chemistry.

ELIZABETH: I could do with a dose of that. I'd like Leslie to remember me a bit how I once was. Although heaven knows what happened to him during the war.

LILY: (carefree) Oh! Whatever works. I'm bringing my kit, Elizabeth Collins… Stoddard. And maybe some day… his name?

ELIZABETH: Oh… don't get my hopes up. This is for Victoria after all.

LILY: Yes… I know, dear. But it would be so nice if…

ELIZABETH: Yes, it would, but I won't rely on that in this journey. We just need to find out. Did he take her to that orphanage like he said? Was it the same one? Hammond Foundling Home?

LILY: Well, I guess we'll find out, won't we?

ELIZABETH: Yes, I hope we'll find out. Well, what else have we… what is that?

LILY: Oh, just a little compact. Not everyone in the old country can see themselves in the glass, don't you know?

ELIZABETH: Can't they?

LILY: Oh, Lizzie, you are so quaint, dearest.


MILLIGAN: Ah, they are like sisters, aren't they?

HECUBUS: I suppose so, Master. But we must recognize what task Maggie Evans has before her.

MILLIGAN: Yes. I suppose Mr. Caleb Collins might be more warm and welcoming to a woman than how he received his Uncle Barnabas Collins. And so she steps in… all alone… and HAWT… to the Seaview Property to request the help of Kooky Caleb.


MAGGIE: Caleb Collins? Where are you?

CALEB: (Maine accent with Victorian lilt) Ah! My old favourite… Auntie Josette Dupres has arrived…

MAGGIE: All right, I won't argue with that… if you only… show yourself.

[clomping stomps with DS background music]

CALEB: Yes, I'm good at that. As are you at repeating life after life for that old baggage yer ought to be calling a husband by now.

MAGGIE: I've only just gotten used to the idea, Mr. Collins. As you know, I've been underrated and now… I'm hardly shy.

CALEB: (laughing echoes) Yes, I gather we've both come a long way as far as shyness goes. In all my reclusiveness… never thought I'd come out this blustery, eh?

MAGGIE: Well, I've had my own experience on that account. Perhaps we're on par with one another?

CALEB: Aye! Ah… at last, now you've come to see me, and perhaps not for the first time…

MAGGIE: Perhaps not. Although, I suppose any memories I might have of you are rather fragmented.

CALEB: Oh, no, no, my dear Lady Hampshire, no memories as such, though perhaps a little metaphysical suggestion here or there. You didn't remember that silly old song on your own you know.

MAGGIE: The music box? Really? In 1897? That was you?

CALEB: No… it was you, Kitty Soames… it's always been you. But I wasn't going to let that whiff of a past life recollection flitter and fizzle. After all I had to watch and germinate in this stinking hell-hole, I would a' been damned to let that remembrance you had in you snuff out. So go ahead and blame me for all that pain, through the portrait, and back to things I couldn't see, but have sadly discovered…happened. I've really come to despise quantum mechanics. It's never seemed to solve anything for us, but just make it worse.

MAGGIE: (soberly) I know.

CALEB: Aye… I know that you know, Josette Dupres. I'm only thankful I'd managed to hang around long enough to see it put to rights. I love you Collins girls, I love all my girls here and I'm so tired of seeing them in pain, even that nasty servant of yourn. But let's not go into that yet.

MAGGIE: Well… that's very kind of you… So, you made those memories stronger, back then? In 1897?

CALEB: (tiredly) Aye, I did. I tried so hard. And after the mess I saw, I started giving up on everyone. I was so upset after believing it did work, only to see you and your father reborn for… another try. (pause) Then … I came to realize that your father was a necessary component to all of this. Why d'yer think yer always called him Pop? He IS your Papa, Josette Dupres. (sighs) Sooo, you see… I couldn't let it go when I saw Uncle Barnabas walk into that diner again… no siree… not this time. And I know I should have tried sooner, saved yer of all that business with the kidnapping.

MAGGIE: It couldn't be helped, Caleb Collins. He simply couldn't remember everything… and (slyly) I could get my own back with him on that score… if you catch my meaning. In fact… he might enjoy it coming from me.

CALEB: (unblushing laughter) Smart girl, s-m-a-r-t girl… oh, how I love 'em. It would be nice to know one of these dames he actually loves givin' him hell for once rather than the opposite. You do yer best on that level, girl. There is a fire in you that's gone far too long unrecognized.

MAGGIE: I see, nice to be put together in your thoughts with Elizabeth Stoddard.

CALEB: (brightening) AH COURSE! She has always been my little sweet petunia, and a treasure higher than others… but you… you… Maggie Evans… you know what you mean to him?

MAGGIE: I've had my own thoughts, and what he means to me.

CALEB: (humming laugh) Hmm-hmm… yes, yes… yer see, I knew yer still cared and more than anyone dared to question. However to question, I DON'T! …And… for the language of flowers, as so prevalent in those old days, yer are out of the list. You're the purple rose, Maggie Evans, just like that dress you wore almost a century ago. The purple rose of his longing… and the one person who will mend that sorry old withering heart of his that I'm soooo sick of hearing weep. Not to mention all you'll do for this petulant town, and have already done for it.

MAGGIE: (vague surprise) Me?

CALEB: (peeved) OH, DON'T GIVE ME THAT! Modesty didn't suit yer in the Gay 90's and it doesn't suit yer now!

MAGGIE: (laughing)

CALEB: Oh (laughing) I see… did it to get my goat, eh? Good lass… I could use a small shake up now and then. All right, have your bit of modesty, Margaret Dupres. It's better than bein' all high and mighty.

MAGGIE: (light snort) Thank you, Caleb Collins… hmm… Margaret Dupres? I like that.

CALEB: Than wear it, Margaret Dupres, wear it with pride. We don't need another Collins tacked on to anyone's name. We got PLENTY already. Be Maggie and be a Dupres, and marry Barnabas Collins if you finally find it in your heart to do so. But don't be a Collins, for heaven's sake.

MAGGIE: Oh? Why ever not?

CALEB: Like yer have t'ask? It's just BAD LUCK!

MAGGIE: (muffled laughter) And you're KOOKS… every ONE of you.

CALEB: AH-HAHAHAHAHA! Ye' got us pegged there, Margaret Dupres. Damn STRAIT!

MAGGIE: (humming laugh) Caleb Collins, you are a gentleman.

CALEB: Was, Margaret Dupres, was! Those days of fops and dandies are over and thank goodness!

MAGGIE: Very good. (sighs) Now, Tom Jennings.

[DS music starts up again…]

CALEB: Yes… Tom Jennings. He's here with me. Just going through the motions now, ghost and all that he is. Can't communicate so well yet with anyone but me and I told him not to bother yet. But that dame of a Mistress Bouchard has to be reckoned with… and that's why yez came to me, inn'it?

MAGGIE: Of course. Well, I hope he'll become less fragmented. Hardly as I was, you know.

CALEB: Hardly, yes! That was very clever on your part, Josette. Separating yourself from your new body to float around and help little David among others. N-o-t a'lotta souls can whip up that trick, yer know. It's a toughie. But yer desire was strong enough. That's likely the reason you had that ability.

MAGGIE: Well, after the memories flooded back… I doubt I still have it.

CALEB: Aye, yer never know, do yer? Anyway, as for your old hand-maiden… I fear I'll never understand her entirely. She had every means ta leave a work of service. Yer'd think by the time she got here and saw Uncle Barnabas so in love with you she could'a just packed up and ventured off with one of the more matriarchal native tribes that kept this place well enough… before we all brought our refuse to dump on it. With all her powers she might have turned the tides there. Ah, well, what could'a been, right?

MAGGIE: Yes, I see your point. But as for the here and now? Can we stop her?

CALEB: Only for a little while, mademoiselle, only a little while… but yer know that dame gets around? She hasn't just brought suffering on people here, ya know.

MAGGIE: Oh?

CALEB: Y-e-s. In fact I've come across a remarkable fellow recently who's been itching to take her on now that she's in the deserving zone of being a vampire.

MAGGIE: And who would that be?

[Familiar Danny Elfman soundtrack begins…]

CALEB: (laughs) Ah, that's the trouble. Can't say his name often… or then HE gets around a bit too much. He's that kinda chap. Not my usual method of addressing such issues, but considering Angelique Bouchard, or whatever she wants to go by, he's the only one offering up his services right now.

MAGGIE: How can we find him?

CALEB: Oh, don't worry. He'll find you. Yer goin' on up to bed tonight, spend time with Aunt Sarah Collins, and you let Uncle Barnabas sit before the fire and contemplate the situation. Don't worry if he's there for a long time or starts talking to himself. He'll be coming to the answers soon enough. He often does.


MILLIGAN: Ah, Kooky Caleb and his polite demonic connections might be a win in this situation.

HECUBUS: But, Master, don't we want Angelique to win?

MILLIGAN: Eventually we do, but I'm afraid that she'll have to get through some rough business… and if that's what it take to get her anywhere close to ME, I'll be happy to take the harm of viewing a bit of singe to her already blemished beauty.

HECUBUS: Ahh… this can be troubling. But for our two compatriots of the academic variety, there is a scene involving something a little less academic, as Dr. "Loveless" Hoffman and Professor "Lovelorn" Stokes adjourn to her office at Wyndcliff as she finally takes up the fish food once more for her sadly neglected aquarium.


STOKES: I suppose with all of what's going on, this stress is beyond considerable.

HOFFMAN: It is. Having to explain that our troubles aren't over and to him… it's just so much to bear.

STOKES: Agreed. It certainly is… but perhaps you shouldn't rest it all on your shoulders so much, Doctor Hoffman.

HOFFMAN: (sighs) I'll have to now. It's all on me. I'm obviously alone to sort out the problems.

STOKES: Hardly, Doctor Hoffman. You have an admirable staff… and… I dare venture, a personal admirer

HOFFMAN: (lost) What do you mean, Professor Stokes? After pairing those other two? Can you even suggest another fellow would … interest me… nearly as much?

STOKES: Well, you likely didn't listen to what that ribald doctor had to tell you. I can easily see his behaviour was more troubling to you than what information he was providing you with in his gags.

HOFFMAN: Oh? What do you mean? He didn't really know what he was talking about… hashing out those jokes about you? That man is always making references like that! I never take it seriously.

[romantic DS background music]

STOKES: (Deep breath) Do you remember when it was necessary for me to face down a lovely Angelique Bouchard in my dream?

HOFFMAN: Of course… You said it was difficult because she was both so very beautiful and with such powers and beauty it was a struggle not to get pulled in and trapped by her.

STOKES: Well, can you imagine a woman with beauty of an inner radiance that's even harder to look away from?

HOFFMAN: (sad scoff) Ah, of course… perhaps that strange Maggie & Josette mixture that Mr. Collins loves so well.

STOKES: (impatiently) Doctor… I'm starting to sympathize with that man over your listening skills.

HOFFMAN: What?

STOKES: Julia Hoffman… must you so thoroughly be pining for a man who doesn't love you in that same way, while standing right in front of a man… who does?

HOFFMAN: Eliot? You?

STOKES: And you have to ask, do you, Julia? A little self-hypnosis might help you to recognize, that Maggie Evans isn't the only person around here with troubles from a past life… You certainly asked that of me on Widows Hill when we all saved that man. Haven't you ever asked it of yourself?

HOFFMAN: Never… no… that… that kind of thing… any familiarity… it's just a dream, a silly old dream.

STOKES: Oh? And what did that dream tell you about me?

HOFFMAN: (pauses… then almost whispers ) We were, You and I … we were…

STOKES: Man and wife…

HOFFMAN: (softly) Yes… yes we were…

[smooching sounds]

["Because" By The Dave Clark Five]

It's right that I should care about you

And try to make you happy when you're blue

It's right, it's right to feel the way I do

Because, because I love you

It's wrong to say I don't think of you

'Cause when you say these things

You know it makes me blue

Give me one kiss and I'll be happy

Just, just to be with you

Give me, give me, a chance to be near you

Because, because I love you

Give me one kiss and I'll be happy

Just, just to be with you

Give me, give me, a chance to be near you

Because, because I love you

Because, because I love you


HECUBUS: Mmm! That is something else! A doctor and a professor?

MILLIGAN: Well, I thought it would have been obvious enough. Now it's more likely that dame will move on to better ventures and stop getting up the nose of my old bridge partner.

HECUBUS: Master? Dr. Hoffman isn't going away, is she?

MILLIGAN: What? No, my sinister flirtation. It'll just be further recognized that Barnabas Collins and Julia Hoffman are friends, which will likely reel the minds of Dark Shadows fans across the globe who've been white-washed into the idea there was more going on when he clearly wasn't interested. But what's nice is we'll see something just as lovely and usually ongoing between them anyway.

HECUBUS: What could that be, Master?

MILLIGAN: Teamwork.

HECUBUS: AH! A team. Like you and me, Master?

MILLIGAN: (falters) I'd wager … that we are… at times. As for my old bridge partner, he has been left alone before the fire… awaiting the coming of that which his beloved has told him to expect. Alighting on this blackguard from the Netherworld, even Barnabas Collins is in for a few surprises.


[fire place crackling]

BARNABAS: (in head) What can be done? All this misery returning to this home as our hearts were beginning to heal. What answer can I come up with? What good does it do me to sit before the fire and be eaten by the anxiety of it all.

GRIZZLED VOICE: You think you got problems…

[Danny Elfman soundtrack from 1988 film]

BARNABAS: (stunned) What was that?

GRIZZLED VOICE: Down here. Flames all about me and I ain't been singe'd yet.

BARNABAS: Who… what… are you?

GRIZZLED VOICE: I'm the ghost with the most, Mr. Big Cake.

BARNABAS: (trepidation) So? The living dead, too?

GRIZZLED VOICE: Yeah… Not that half-way mark in between like you, or whatever you are now. Can't explain that one, can ya?

BARNABAS: No… I am afraid I cannot.

GRIZZLED VOICE: So ya don't hafta werry about what I am, eh? Your workin' with a professional here. All y'gotta know is what I can do for ya.

BARNABAS: What can you do for me?

GRIZZLED VOICE: I can stop that vampire chik from buggin' ya. I can take her down. Been wantin' to, actually. Real pain to me at one time.

BARNABAS: Angelique?

GRIZZLED VOICE: You ain't the first man cursed by that bewitchin' blonde, swifty. And a silly mistake with the wrong broad... Tsk-tsk… Well, get over it. She'd be feelin' twenty times worse if she cared for anyone more than herself... HMM! I guess THAT'S why I liked her! She reminds me of me!

BARNABAS: I see. In which case, why would I be persuaded to trust you?

GRIZZLED VOICE: A shared enemy; HER.

BARNABAS: And how do I go about employing you?

GRIZZLED VOICE: Ah! Well that is tricky part. You have to say my name three times, but I can't say it myself, and the timing ought to be right, ya dig?

BARNABAS: How do you propose I discover this name?

GRIZZLED VOICE: I put a book on yer desk ova'there. Go on, check it out.

[steps]

BARNABAS: (almost teasing) Astronomy? Would that make you a star?

GRIZZLED VOICE: (impatient) Cut the questions, fang-boy! Flip to the Orion Constellation. It's dog-eared already. See the mid-section? Upper left area of that.

BARNABAS: I see it.

GRIZZLED VOICE: Now on come over… come on over- show it t'me. I'll let you know if you got it right.

[steps]

GRIZZLED VOICE: That's it, ya got it. Now, you know how to pronounce that without doing so?

BARNABAS: Yes.

GRIZZLED VOICE: Good. All y'gotta do is cake-walk your way out to that rendezvous with her. Take on whatever smug attitude you want, say my name and I'll be there. Keep a good distance, too. No need to give her any way of stopping you.

BARNABAS: And what are you going to do to her?

GRIZZLED VOICE: (grim giggles) Everything.


HECUBUS: Master… Did you hear that?

MILLIGAN: I certainly did! And I wish I could say it… though perhaps not in the way this specter is referring too. Again, he is a polite demon, at least at times. But I understand. We have needs… and perhaps his needs were met with my mistress of the deepest dark… whereas I…

HECUBUS: Master? The final scene, please?

MILLIGAN: (snaps to) Ah, yes! There was that 24-hour ultimatum. V'Angelique is much more secure in her powers now that she's had a good dose of Jennings blood… pretty much ALL of it in point of fact. My old bridge partner and his young lady have settled into Collinwood with steady nerves. Miss Evans prepares to take on her role as governess with Master David while Mrs. Stoddard and Cousin Lily are making way to check in their luggage for the voyage in another region. Barnabas Collins checks the time and steps to the foyer of the main house with poise.


[door opens and shuts, footsteps, DS spooky music]

ANGELIQUE: Hello. I see you made sure not to doubt my warning.

BARNABAS: No. Of course not. I've decided there is obviously no avoiding this… I hope you won't mind that I begin our… nuptial plans with three words.

ANGELIQUE: (sultry) Yes… those three words I know are in you. Those three words I need to hear from you.

BARNABAS: Ah, I believe I have them, three words you very much need to hear.

ANGELIQUE: I'm waiting.

BARNABAS: Betelgeuse…

[Danny Elfman Beetlejuice music bleeds in]

ANGELIQUE: (concerned) What? Oh…

BARNABAS: Betelgeuse…

ANGELIQUE: (panicking) No… no… no… no no no…

BARNABAS: Betelgeuse…

[Crash of thunder]

MILLIGAN: "Ohhhh, yes! My little pockmarks of pestilence… We are GOING THERE!"

HECUBUS: HEE HEEE HEEE HEE HEEEEEE!


All Due Respect To:

The Kids In The Hall

M*A*S*H* (1970's/1980's TV Show)

Clue (1980's film)

The Munsters (1960's, TV Show)

The Dave Clark Five

Beetlejuice (1980's Film)

And, of course

Dark Shadows (1960's TV Show)

"The Pit of Ultimate Dark Shadows" is a Daryl Wor production.


A/N: As Lara Parker says, "Let me know what you liked!" Thanks.