The Pit of Ultimate Dark Shadows, Episode 17: A Bio-Exorcist Comes to Collinwood


[Dark Shadows intro music]

MILLIGAN: Greetings. And Welcome to The Pit of Ultimate Dark Shadows. I am your host Sir Simon Milligan… and… with my Manservant Hecubus.

[Wild applause]

HECUBUS: Thank you and please-

MILLIGAN: HUSH!

HECUBUS: Who me?

MILLIGAN: No! Just the showy rapture you always get from the audience. We need that hushed. We're in a hurry!

HECUBUS: Ohhh, yes, because we left off with the cliff-hanger in the foyer at The Great House of Collinwood in which Barnabas Collins terrified our lady V'Angelique, short for Vampire Angelique, saying a certain bio-exorcist's name three times. And she has been sucked into the drawing room by her enemy, who may at one time have been her lover.

MILLIGAN: ARG! Has everyone gotten to her ahead of me?! Ohhh… Succubus of Satan. Harlot of The Devil! My sweet, e-v-i-l, V'Angelique! Hmm… sounds a bit Vulcan, that name.

HECUBUS: As in the God of War, Master?

MILLIGAN: No! It sounds Vulcan as in… oh, let's not drag that fandom into this thing! Alright. Sullivan or Weinberger, Bailey - Lupatkin - move it, we need the opening credits right quick!

[Dark Shadows opening theme, crashing waves, blah, blah, blah]

[swooping noise, "Beetlejuice" music parades in…]

BJ: Miss me, babe?

V'ANGELIQUE: W-h-a-t can you be doing here?

BJ: Just passin' through.

V'ANGELIQUE: What possible need could you have to exaggerate your prowess towards me?

BJ: (Enthused giggles) Getting' a little PAYBACK for the BULLCRAP you shoveled my way!

V'ANGELIQUE: IS that SO?

[Doors closing]

MAGGIE: What is all the noise?

BARNABAS: Just a matter getting straightened out in the drawing room.

[Crashes]

MAGGIE: Barnabas, what is going on in there?

BARNABAS: Well, my dear… I took the steps you suggested and I've summoned… a bio-exorcist to get rid of her.

MAGGIE: You… didn't!

BARNABAS: What is wrong?

MAGGIE: Don't you know how dangerous summoning a bio-exorcist is? With any other-world experience; I know that.

BARNABAS: I haven't any of that which you describe. I've been locked away for over one hundred and seventy years.


BJ: ALL RIGHT! Ready for a spin?

V'ANGELIQUE: What? Want to dance?

BJ: Just a bit.

[Coiling sounds and flush of spinning sound, whaps against a wall]

V'ANGELIQUE: Oh, now… you're asking for it.

BJ: Yeh, I sure as Hell am. C'mon, bibby. Hit me like the kickin' biotch I know you are.

V'ANGELIQUE: Gladly!


[Crashing, punches, running down the stairs]

DAVID: Oh, no! Is that green thing in the kitchen again?!

MAGGIE: What?! No, it's just... something in the drawing room that… well…

DAVID: No! (running up the stairs)

MAGGIE: David! Come back! Where are you going?

DAVID: I'm going upstairs for my stamp collection!

[Chaotic noises and music proceed. Stomping footsteps across foyer]

BARNABAS: Roger, are you-

ROGER: I know what's going on, I heard the ruckus.

MAGGIE: Where are you going?

ROGER: Huh! Well! The drawing room decanters are hardly at my disposal. I can't relieve my current anxiety with a drink—

MAGGIE: So what are you-?

ROGER: (steps continuing) I'm going to the study to save our insurance papers from Lloyds of London, you daft fools!

[Beetlejuice theme music and explosions/crescendo of noise carries on…]

BARNABAS: Good grief! Can his relationship with her have been worse than mine?


BJ: Caught me at the wrist, eh? What good would that do yeh? I'm dead. (wild laughter) Go ahead, try another bite at me. I know you want to…

V'ANGELIQUE: You don't scare me!

BJ: Don't I? Can't even say my name, can yeh? Too scared, or cursed, whichever. All I know is it makes me happy.

[Slap sound]

BJ: Y' swore to me we'd get hitched to pull me outta this later. It's not my rules. I don't have any rules.

V'ANGELIQUE: Neither do I.

[crank winding noise]

V'ANGELIQUE: Don't you even…

[kissing noise, disgusted response]

BJ: Have I overstepped my bounds? Just tell me. Actually… don't! HA HAHAHAHAHAH!

V'ANGELIQUE: How do you have any jurisdiction over me?

BJ: They wanted someone outta their house and I WANTED TO GET someone outta their house!

[scuffling sounds]

V'ANGELIQUE: You forgot the old motto.

BJ: Yeh? What was that?

V'ANGELIQUE: Never trust the living!

BJ: Oh, but I wasn't. I was listening to those you cursed. I gotta little … in common with the people here, you know.

V'ANGELIQUE: I command you to desist.

BJ: Oh, yeh? You command? You make me sick.

[projectile vomit, missing]

V'ANGELIQUE: You've lost your aim, old boy!

[Projectile vomit, again and sounds of hitting target]

V'ANGELIQUE: (disgusted noises)

BJ: Come on, you big, stupid WORM – You wanna get nuts? Let's get NUTS!

Aw look… beetles (chewing)

V'ANGELIQUE: When I first saw you… I HATED you!

BJ: Which is why you were HOT for me, weren't ya? WEREN'T YA? Wanna piece a'me? Come ON, baby! GO FOR IT!

V'ANGELIQUE: (fiery breath)

BJ: *snort* Easily eliminated.

[many sound effects, stretches and whaps, corkscrew finished, her writhing, him giggling, hammer sounds, staking, steam noise]

BJ: One thing I never could stomach about Collinsport… all the damn vampires…

[door opening, "Aftermath" from Beetlejuice soundtrack by Danny Elfman ensues]

BARNABAS: Hello, erm, Mister… Guese.

BJ: Hmm! Not quite my name, but dat werks.

BARNABAS: How did you manage?

BJ: Heh! Well, she despises me enough that I could easily distract her from you. So! That the only person you wanted me to kill? Just that dame, right?

BARNABAS: A woman who refuses to remain dead? Yes. Now what do I owe for your services?

BJ: Huh? With her? Yeah. This one's on the house.

ROGER: It certainly has been!

BARNABAS: You must require a reward of some kind.

BJ: To have revenge? YE-E-AH, that's plenty'a'payback for me. Well, *I* feel better now—girl did me proud. Pretty much a turn-on to fight with her again. Anyway—that variety of her is outta the way so-

BARNABAS: That variety?

BJ: Yep! Can't do much about her as a repeating Witch, but vampire? I had her nailed… IN… HAW HAW HAW HAW!

ROGER: (put out) And what about our house, whoever you are… the drawing room?

BJ: Eh?! That's all illusion—go on in, take a gander.

[footsteps]

MAGGIE: How do you know Angelique?

BJ: Ooo-She's been around a few blocks, but… I've been around more.

BARNABAS: And what about her? I thought you said you could annihilate her.

BJ: It's kinda a bio-exorcist-bio-chemistry thing—gotta suspend the bat transformation, put in a few good WHACKS, then a stake, a hammer and yer done. WELP! I've had it with Maine—Think I'll check out Connecticut… Winter River… that sounds nice and frosty. She'll never look for me there.

BARNABAS: But, as you say, she could come back as a Witch.

BJ: Yep! When doesn't that rascal? Why do you think I'm hittin' the road? Like I say… no charge…

[wolves howling]

BJ: Oh! That's my cue to split. Best'a luck, folks. I don't - (belches) - I don't do two shows a night. Say, would one of you two do the honours?

MAGGIE: (who's had enough) Certainly. Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice,

BARNABAS: That makes him go away, too?

MAGGIE: Beetlejuice.

BJ: Ciao!

[slippery shooming noise with a pop at the end]

BARNABAS: How did you know his name?

MAGGIE: Call me psychic, at least in this instance.

[footsteps settle in]

MRS JOHNSON: (deep sigh) Mr. Collins?

ROGER & BARNABAS: Yes?

MRS JOHNSON: Are you all done out here? With the noise, I mean.

ROGER: Mrs. Johnson. We wouldn't cause such a raucous.

MRS JOHNSON: I realize that. I already know this house is cursed. It's simply that I've got an angel food cake to make and I want to be sure it's not going to fall from anymore racket, is all.

ROGER: (sarcastically) Oh, well… we all know how important that is. Certainly, the walls of Collinwood may split asunder as long as the cake rises.

BARNABAS: Yes, Mrs. Johnson I believe the noise level will be to all of our satisfaction.

MRS JOHNSON: Good. (slam)

MAGGIE: With that slam I suppose the cake has yet to reach the oven.

ROGER: I do love how we can shift our concerns from the destruction of our home to the culinary needs of baking. (Door squeaks open) Just checking to make sure that drawing room is back in proper order. I'll be off putting the insurance papers right where they were.

[steps out]

MAGGIE: I'm not going to reprimand you.

BARNABAS: Oh? I-, was hoping that you might.

MAGGIE: Why?

BARNABAS: May I release a little tension?

MAGGIE: Of course.

BARNABAS: It inspires my passion when you reprimand me… Josette.

MAGGIE: (fun-loving) You are terrible.

BARNABAS: Someday I promise to be wonderful for you.

MAGGIE: You already are…

[smooching sounds, door opens]

LILY: You see there, Lizzie! Nothing horrible has happened. Love in all its grandeur meets us by the door!

ELIZABETH: (vaguely affronted) I can see that!

BARNABAS: I do apologize, Cousin Elizabeth.

ELIZABETH: For what? Showing affection in our house of doom? It's about time someone bothered to display their love-shenanigans around here apart from my own daughter.

MAGGIE: You haven't sensed anything awry, have you, Mrs. Stoddard?

ELIZABETH: Well, we noticed a flash of lightening coming from inside the house rather than outside of it, if that's what you mean. Cousin Lily informed me you'd both been to see a certain Caleb Collins who warned us some pesky flotsam was going to occur soon.

MAGGIE: Pesky and flotsam are hardly the words I would use, but that sounds like our Caleb.

LILY: (Smilingly) So you have met him, Miss Evans. Isn't he gallant ghost? Underneath his cranky veneer, I mean?

BARNABAS: (amused) I suppose we could call him just that. He arranged for me engage with a bio-exorcist to diminish that lady you mentioned, Cousin Lily. I can't say I'm disappointed at the results… but the interim was most disturbing.

LILY: Uncle Caleb arranged? (somewhat disapproving) Cousin Barnabas? Did you hire a bio-exorcist? That can be very, very dangerous, you know. Why it might have brought down the whole estate. Ghosts and such are one thing, but those kinds in such a business are a little loopy, so I've heard.

BARNABAS: I was merely doing what I was told, I'm afraid.

LILY: Ah, and I'm sure, now that it's all worked out, Uncle Caleb is having a grand laugh over the whole thing.

BARNABAS: No doubt.

DAVID: (walking down the stairs) Aunt Elizabeth, did you hear what happened? It was so loud and scary and I wish you would stay!

ROGER: (walking in) Ah, there we are. David is showing his enamoured affection for your departure, Liz. Well done, I say.

ELIZABETH: I can see the troubles going on here have pretty much brought the entire household right where we needed them to say our farewells.

DAVID: Aunt Elizabeth, don't leave now! Something else might happen! You can't leave us now.

ELIZABETH: David, we've already had our luggage carried out and our plans are set. I'm sure you can trust Miss Evans, Cousin Barnabas and your father to keep things well in hand.

DAVID: It's not just that. Before all of this I noticed more howling in the woods, even some growling.

LILY: Oh yes, we noticed that too.

DAVID: You did?

LILY: Yes! It was very pleasant, indeed. It'll be a shame to miss hearing more of it. Collinwood is feeling so much like home now.

ELIZABETH: Lily, I wasn't going to bring up what we heard out there.

LILY: Oh, Lizzie. Nothing to be afraid of! I was almost sure it was my brother Lester tracking me down. I even called out his name. If it was him I'm not surprised he didn't respond. He can get very fractious on a moonlit night.

BARNABAS: (under breath) Are you sure you want to be part of this family, my love?

MAGGIE: (also under breath) Now more than ever.

ELIZABETH: Lester? Lily, didn't you say he was more of the family vagrant?

LILY: Gutter-pup would be the more accurate description, I believe.

ELIZABETH: Why would you want to hear from him?

LILY: Curiosity. It killed the cat, you know.

ELIZABETH: And that's a good thing?

ROGER: (impatiently) Must we go on and on about Cousin Lester? Really, we've had a scare and that's a fact but it's over and we ought to be pleased our Elizabeth is not only getting out of the house but going on a journey. It's been high time.

ELIZABETH: (snide) And you'll have the decanters all to yourself, Roger. Won't that be marvelous?

ROGER: (exhilaratingly) Yes, it will be!

MAGGIE: Don't worry, Mrs. Stoddard. I'll take a draft or two and see he isn't the only one imbibing.

ELIZABETH: Good! Now, does anyone know where our blessed tickets are?

ROGER: Oh? Huh! (ruffling) Here you are, Liz, courtesy of Richard Garner.

ELIZABETH: Thank you, Roger… and about bloody time.

LILY: (shocked) Lizzie! Don't say the word "blood" in my company unless you're planning a buffet!

ELIZABETH: From the looks of it, Lily, there will be many and plenty a buffet dinner on the cruise we're taking.

LILY: Good. And dancing. There had better be dancing, not like on my last voyage overseas. Or my name isn't Lily Drake!

ELIZABETH: I'm not going to touch that one.

ROGER: Now have you got everything, Liz? Or were you simply coming back to poke your nose into the fuss?

ELIZABETH: (heavy sighing) Fond farewells, Roger. Is that too much to ask?

CAROLYN: No, Mother.

[High Flute - Wall To Wall DS music applies]

ELIZABETH: (lovingly) Carolyn! (clothing ruffles) Now you'll have me ruining my make-up!

BARNABAS: That's likely to happen regardless. Everyone, come and wish our Elizabeth and Lily farewell.

[Multiple footsteps and ruffling]

LILY: Goodness! You won't wonder if anyone is going to miss you at this point, Lizzie!

CAROLYN: I will miss you dreadfully, Mother. Keep bundled up on that voyage. And don't forget to call us!

ELIZABETH: I certainly will.

BARNABAS: And write to us.

ELIZABETH: Yes.

DAVID: And don't forget us!

ELIZABETH: We won't, David, we surely won't.

ROGER: Elizabeth?

ELIZABETH: Roger?

ROGER: (Misty) Come back in one piece, won't you?

ELIZABETH: (smilingly) Roger… of course I will.

LILY: Lizzie. The car is waiting. Come on.

ELIZABETH: All right. Parting shouldn't be so horrible… but…

BARNABAS: You shall be missed, Cousin Elizabeth.

ELIZABETH: Barnabas… (light hum) What would we ever do without you?

MAGGIE: We would all have died on the vine, Mrs. Stoddard.

MRS JOHNSON: Let the women LEAVE, for Heaven's Sake. The ship isn't going to wait for them!

ELIZABETH: Good-bye… and my love… to you all.

[Door closing]

DAVID: (pause) I think I'll poke around the kitchen and find something to eat. All this activity in one night made me hungrier than I've ever been.

MAGGIE: Mind the noise, David. You know how Mrs. Johnson is about her cake.

DAVID: All right.

[door closing]

CAROLYN: I have a sister…

[footsteps]

MAGGIE: What are you saying, Carolyn? What's the matter?

CAROLYN: I overheard them talking. This trip isn't a joy-ride or an excuse to visit England. I have a sister… And she didn't tell me…

ROGER: Why are you saying that, Kitten?

CAROLYN: (sorrow and confusion) She wouldn't go to all this trouble if I didn't have one! She wouldn't go overseas looking to find out about her. Whether or not it is Victoria Winters… I have a sister and my mother knows that. And she didn't tell me. WHY? Why didn't she tell me?

ROGER: Oh, Carolyn. You know how filled with secrets this house has been and likely still is.

MAGGIE: Carolyn, wouldn't it matter if it was Victoria? Wouldn't that matter?

CAROLYN: (quavering) Yes… when she came here it was like we were already sisters… so much of the time… having breakfast… the little things… and the bigger things, like when Willie was harassing us in the kitchen… or when we were joking about… fights at The Blue Whale… bad places to take a date… it's like we already were sisters… like we already knew … and that scares me… we went through so much together here.

BARNABAS: And you will again, Carolyn. You will again. I'm sure Victoria will come back.

CAROLYN: Barnabas? Do you believe Victoria is my sister?

BARNABAS: I… have strong suspicions that this is so.

MAGGIE: And mine are even stronger, Carolyn. Does that help?

CAROLYN: Yes. Yes it does. Thank you, thank you.

ROGER: Come along, let's get you up and having a… a…

CAROLYN: A brandy, Uncle Roger?

ROGER: Whatever you want, Kitten.

CAROLYN: That and your company, of course.


MILLIGAN: For in so much that our beloved residents of Collinwood have experienced further levels of the world crashing in on them, as is their wont, we allow them a night's sleep and proceed into the next day at The Evans Cottage.


[Door opens and shuts, sound of percolator feeds in]

SAM: Maggie! You're home. I thought you were going to spend a few nights getting settled in that spooky old joint no one could pay you to work in.

MAGGIE: Yes, for a hundred dollars a day, no. (sigh) Coffee perked yet?

SAM: Almost… Eh, looks like Collinwood is as surprising as ever from how you appear. Is Wadsworth's lingerie lying around at The Great House, too?

MAGGIE: (laughing) Oh, Pop. You never fail to put a light-heart on all of this turbulence.

SAM: Well, we were once related to the French nobility, Josette. Now here we are on the wrong side of the tracks and left to the more peasant foundations, along with (letting out a sigh) … bizarre… supernatural exports. I have to allow for some bowing to the absurd, and I'm sure you do more so.

MAGGIE: But that doesn't stop the jolting affect it has when it comes.

SAM: Of course not. Want to sit down and tell me about it?

MAGGIE: Yes, more than ever, Pappa… Pop.

SAM: That's okay, Maggie. I like the switch. Juggle the nicknames and get used to that.

MAGGIE: All right. I already told you about Caleb when I got here before.

SAM: Yes. Some Victorian era gentleman… sounds like a doozy and a half. What a crank.

MAGGIE: Mmm-hmm! So I went to stow some extra things in Victoria's old room.

SAM: Mmm, the one that used to be yours anyway.

MAGGIE: (contemplative) Yes, just to see it again. That was jarring enough. Thankfully she'd taken almost everything she kept there.

SAM: No music box?

MAGGIE: No- and Barnabas has promised me I won't see it until I want to.

SAM: Good. We've had enough of that tinkling. You don't even remember him giving it to you… well, not the first time he gave it to you.

MAGGIE: (soft) Pappa, I do. Vaguely. I remember it vaguely. It was so tender, him giving me that wedding gift among so many others… so long ago, but I need to keep pace with everything in the present especially. The music box comes later. It's too wrapped up in the kidnapping for me right now. The first time he gave it to me is coming back… slowly, and…

SAM: And that's natural considering all of this.

[percolator finishes]

MAGGIE: Coffee's done, Pop.

SAM: Hmm? Oh yes, it is. I'll get it… (strained sounds of getting up, walking back and forth and setting down cups) Now, you've had some mischief. I can see that. We'll wait for this to cool and you tell me about it.

MAGGIE: Pop? Did Captain Gregg remind you of some of the… entities that lurk in the shadows?

SAM: Not much, I daresay. I'm still trying to digest most of my own personal experiences when it comes to all this… reincarnation jargon. As for otherworldly regard? It's very much like Sarah Collins' ghost and her own ambiguity. You can't always put your darn finger on what you know and what you don't know.

MAGGIE: That's true. Poor Barnabas. Always so uncertain about me. No matter what I do to reassure him that it is me, he has so much fear that it isn't true. Like it's a spell that will break at any moment.

[cups shifting]

SAM: (resignedly) Maggie, he was always like that. If there is any nervousness in him that you aren't who you obviously are, rest assured that is your proof. He is the same man you fell in love with over a hundred years ago. I told him that, too. I was positive you loved him. I had no doubts in my mind about it. We were about to embark on a share to our sugar cane profits for your marriage, and I was willing to with my knowledge of your love for Barnabas Collins on that account. I knew you loved him and I still know it. Insecurities and all.

MAGGIE: (fair laughter) All right. If he is always going to be nervous about me, at least I can take comfort in the knowledge he is Barnabas Collins and no other. At least that part of him hasn't changed.

[cups and saucers shifting]

SAM: So. After all of this, what dark entity was Captain Gregg supposed to remember to warn me about?

MAGGIE: (sounds of hands over face) Mmm… (then without) I shouldn't have been so terrible. *I* was the one who mentioned Caleb Collins' ghost helping us, then he does and I was so upset at the result.

SAM: What happened?

MAGGIE: All right (hand slapping to lap) I told Barnabas about Caleb's advice, Barnabas sat up late, then the next thing I know? Everything is fine. He lets me know the situation is under control. Trust him to handle it. I do. I'm over there preparing to take on the governess role for David and? Calamity strikes at Collinwood.

SAM: (Trying to joke) Nice respectable house with nice respectable horrors?

MAGGIE: Pop, these horrors were not respectable.

SAM: Oh? We are talking about the same Collinwood, aren't we?

MAGGIE: (singing upward as if to shrug) I want to say yes.

SAM: Then say it. If we weren't shocked by what goes on up at that hill? It wouldn't be Collinwood.

MAGGIE: All the noise, just banging, growling, clattering of wood, metallic thrashing and…

SAM: What? No screaming?

MAGGIE: Yes, screaming or laughing or something in between. I ran down the stairs and it was mainly going on in the drawing room. Some bargain was made and there was some ghastly creature that had encountered Angelique before and wanted revenge.

SAM: Oh?! Old demons coming round to haunt her too? It wasn't Jeremiah was it?

MAGGIE: No-o-o. The correct title was a bio-exorcist.

SAM: A bio-exorcist? I've heard of exorcists but that sounds backwards.

MAGGIE: Exactly. Ghosts who exorcise mortals from homes they're haunting, except Angelique is no mortal. But as a vampire she was corporeal enough that he could tear her apart and destroy her… at least this embodiment of her.

SAM: W-h-a-t happened?

MAGGIE: She was more physical than witch, a ghost with that understanding, he taunted her, they fought. She was at her wits end.

SAM: And then?

MAGGIE: It was hard to make out at first but there was a great deal of swaggering and showing off between them. A battle of powers, past grievances and wit. Then? As far as I can make out… He sent her to Hell in a hand basket.

SAM: Oh, my stars! ha ha ha ha ha ha!

MAGGIE: You're getting the abbreviated version, Pop, not the one I had to live through.

SAM: (trying to calm down chuckles) All right, all right. Let me pour the coffee.

[various liquid noises]

SAM: You simmer yourself in a steely brew and we'll sit down and contemplate this.

MAGGIE: Well, what are we going to do now? She always comes back, Pop. You know that.

SAM: Mmm-hmm! (shuffling, metallic noises)

MAGGIE: Pop? What is that?

SAM: Oh just a little compass. The Captain gave it to me as a method for requesting his help if need be. We'll have to think about what to explain to him precisely… but…

MAGGIE: Well, perhaps not just now. But you've piqued my interest. I'd like to meet this mysterious sea captain. After all, any friend of Sarah Collins is a friend of mine.

SAM: Of that I have no doubt.


MILLIGAN: And so goes the odd discussion our reincarnated du Pres' are whipping up. In all of this madness perhaps we need a little time out with our cherished companions, Wadworth and Willie Loomis. However rugged and cramped our Willie's quarters happen to be. Our butler has presented him with a new calligraphy set, courtesy of Professor Stokes mentoring attentions.


[sounds of scribbling]

WILLIE: Wadsworth?

WADSWORTH: Yes, Mr. Loomis.

WILLIE: I think I need a little help.

WADSWORTH: I believe you're using that that pen most adequately, Mr. Loomis.

WILLIE: I'm not talking about that, Wadsworth.

WADSWORTH: Then you ought to make yourself known in what you do want to say.

WILLIE: Well, I know what you've explained to me with that Angelique creature and Barnabas. I get that. In fact, I'm pretty glad to find out the man had some leanings toward women like I've had. Makes the ol' guy more human to me, you know?

WADSWORTH: Mmm… I should hope so. What have I not apprised you of?

WILLIE: (sigh) I still can't get over it. How… after all we went through… how is it that Maggie is Josette? I'm startin' to understand the previous life idea. Little Sarah gets me through that part of it. But how is it that Maggie Evans went through all that we went through with Barnabas kidnapping her and she never remembered she was Josette?

WADSWORTH: Ah, you've known the young lady in your own way. Did you notice at times she became glassy-eyed and uncertain, Mr. Loomis?

WILLIE: A'course. Maggie Evans gets a look of being so… hypnotized. There were times when we had her here and… you knew that, right, Wadsworth?

WADSWORTH: I've been very aware of what happened here between you three. The evidence made it obvious to me.

WILLIE: All right, old friend. Always knew I couldn't keep anything from the likes a'you. But there were times Maggie would play along with the Josette idea like Barnabas wanted her to… and then there were times she seemed lost in it… trying to find herself.

WADSWORTH: Precisely. That's what makes these experiences so difficult. One knows there are memories which are locked away. The lost-look comes from those searching to find them; seeking out the answers, as it were.

WILLIE: And so with what you told me, Doctor Hoffman finally used that pesky medallion for discovery instead of… hidin' things.

WADSWORTH: Yes. Doctor Hoffman has come a long way, particularly hard with someone such as… myself in her way.

WILLIE: (chuckling) No one can beat you, you old sauce. Not even me.

WADSWORTH: I shall try to take that as a compliment, Mr. Loomis.

WILLIE: (chuckling) Well… I'm not convinced about Maggie yet, not quite.

WADSWORTH: That's perfectly understandable. Even Mr. Collins isn't convinced of her yet. He harnesses so much self-doubt and disbelief in gaining extraordinary wealth outside of materialism. He always has.

WILLIE: No kiddin'. And… that… Angelique broad…

WADSWORTH: A force to be reckoned with. And we will have to again someday.

WILLIE: Knowing about her… always reminds me to be better.

WADSWORTH: How so?

WILLIE: I've never been as horrible as that woman from what you've told me. I think about her and I think about what I would be if I had magical powers like that and how I could manipulate lives with them. It makes me shudder and it makes me understand how far I've come.

WADSWORTH: Good. And I hope I've had a hand in that change.

WILLIE: Heh… You always have, Wadsworth. I didn't tell you this before. I… I was too bewildered at seein' you again. But I'm glad you're back. I'm glad you're here. You were there for me as a kid and in a way that made the world make sense to me. Something better, something for the better, something to strive for… that I… lost as I grew up.

WADSWORTH: Very good. That is what I'm here for. And I'm happy to know you see it that way… Mister Loomis.

[door creak]

SARAH: Hello.

WADSWORTH: Hello, Miss Sarah, come to see my old employee.

SARAH: Yes.

WADSWORTH: Then I shall leave you to it, Miss Sarah.

[door shuts]

SARAH: I think I like him more than I liked Riggs… sometimes.

WILLIE: What ye here for, little girl?

SARAH: I wanted to see how your letters were coming along, Willie.

WILLIE: (with a smile in his voice) That's right. You know more about this penmanship business than anyone might give you credit for. Come on.

[sounds of lap-sitting]

SARAH: (surprised) What do you have, Willie?

WILLIE: Wadsworth just brought this to me, ye see? Ye see what this pen is made of?

SARAH: (breathing) It's glass… a glass pen.

WILLIE: That's right, angel. I was surprised too.

SARAH: I've never seen one like this before. It's so pretty…

WILLIE: Just like you.

SARAH: (admonishing) Willie.

WILLIE: I can't help it, Sarah. I calls 'em like I sees 'em.

SARAH: All right. Have you been practicing?

WILLIE: Yeh. Want to tell me that poem to practice with?

SARAH: Mmm-hmm… "That evil is wicked is well understood, the wicked are punished so you must be good."

WILLIE: All right…

[scribbling]

WILLIE: How's that?

SARAH: That's right, but it wouldn't hurt to write it again, Willie.

WILLIE: As you wish.


HECUBUS: Hmm… That was too sweet for me, Master!

MILLIGAN: (Misty) Oh shut up! Sentimentality isn't a crime, my deficient demon. In fact, it's how all of us get so far in our besotted upbringing. But if we need a different kind that involves… well, shall I say it? Carnal romance: Let us move our attentions to a car ride between our gumshoe prominent lawyer and that Lady Ace, Carolyn Stoddard.


[motor humming, Santo & Johnny "Birmingham"]

TONY: I hope I did well to get your mind off of things.

CAROLYN: You always do, Tony. After all that ruckus at home and my mother leaving for her trip, I was thinking another tragedy would shock me out of enjoying our time together. But now… I'm wondering if the tale about Tom Jennings is even true.

TONY: Not having the full scoop on it makes it difficult to know what to feel. But I'm determined to keep hope alive… until we have full knowledge of the situation.

CAROLYN: Yes, and I'm already missing my mother even though I'm sure her ship is hardly out of port by now.

TONY: A lot happening all at once. Standard Collinsport isn't it?

CAROLYN: And I keep thinking of that sunrise this morning. As orange as flames but purple too… it looked as if night time was slowly descending.

TONY: Very lovely… just like another view I enjoy seeing in front of me.

CAROLYN: The compliments never stop do they?

TONY: Why should they?

CAROLYN: Ah, my Uncle Roger was talking about so many smiling faces reminding him of advertisements.

TONY: Those smiles are certainly surreal on advertisements, almost creepy… but yours makes me believe the world isn't such a rapscallion place after all.

CAROLYN: As yours are to me, Tony.

TONY: There are these times I feel so penned in at the office, going over law books, double checking language… I's dotted, T's crossed, but you know what gets me through it?

CAROLYN: Ah, don't tell me.

TONY: I'm going to, Carolyn Stoddard… it's you. All the thoughts of your silvery-blonde charms. All the stories about you being someone's princess or kitten. All the time you spent growing up just so that you could be sitting beside me right now.

CAROLYN: Oh, Tony. Don't be too romantic. You need to… keep your eyes on… THE ROAD!

[swerve, random honks, stalling of car]

TONY: That was a close call.

CAROLYN: Of all the not-so-secret societies in the world, why is it that visiting Shriners feel such a particular need to parade themselves in squat little autos and red fez caps?

TONY: A way to stand out and show that they belong to a group. Fraternity is the basic answer.

CAROLYN: Do fraternities always hog little town roads and clog up traffic?

TONY: Only on special occasions, or ventures into regions with too much supernatural activity.

CAROLYN: (laughingly) You made that up.

TONY: What if I did?

CAROLYN: Well I'd need to point it out, Mr. Peterson. Anyway, this turnout is a good spot to lay low for a while. They can steer themselves back to the Inn and have the excitement of relaying the adventure of it at dinner, I'm sure.

TONY: What to do while we wait?

CAROLYN: I have my ideas.

[smooching sounds]


HECUBUS: During this delightful escapade in which, thankfully, no beloved characters nor Shriners were injured in the making of, we see Doctor Hoffman peeping through the window of a romantic eating establishment nearby.


STOKES: What do you see, Julia?

[walking from window, footsteps and sitting down]

HOFFMAN: Oh, looks like Mr. Peterson managed to avoid a crash with the Shriners parade going on. I must say, Dr. Pierce picked the better convention to attend.

STOKES: Ah, well who knows? Considering Dr. Pierce, and a friend of his similar boisterous persuasion, they could get up to some mischief that would cause as much calamity.

HOFFMAN: Perhaps, but I wager he and his friend only got up to such antics from not wanting to be in Korea at all, nor drafted. It isn't unusual for those with a sense of humour to use it to keep from going loopy in a battle zone.

["Begin the Beguine" at the piano in the restaurant…]

STOKES: This is true, my dear. Now, as we await our meal you must tell me how your day has gone. I told you Wyndcliff missed you.

HOFFMAN: Ah, and you were very right, Professor, very right. I had to admit a little girl into the asylum this morning. Tom Jennings had a sister he was taking care of, Amy Jennings. Of course she is in total shock as Tom was the only close relative she really had left in the world.

STOKES: Their parents deceased?

HOFFMAN: Yes, and not long ago, I'm afraid, so this loss has come and I decided not only would Wyndcliff give her shelter and regular meals but also the attention for the grief she's going through.

STOKES: I see. I told you that checking into your place of employment would garner the advantage of further accomplishments, my dear.

HOFFMAN: (getting sweet) Yes… yes, you did. I remember. On that morning drive after saving our friend, Mr. Collins.

STOKES: Yes. Glad to hear you refer to him as a friend.

HOFFMAN: I do have the ability to recognize the true nature of relationships in my profession, T. Eliot Stokes.

STOKES: I always knew that you did, Doctor Julia Hoffman. Truths in these matters where I am concerned weren't always so forthcoming. It's a benefit to all of us that we can finally discuss the incredible past of Mr. Collins. He is, somehow, the same man as history records from centuries past, isn't he?

HOFFMAN: Yes he is.

STOKES: Once he was only available in the evenings, of course. I presume something has been going on to allow him to be active during the day. Did you have a hand in making that happen?

HOFFMAN: Yes, I did. He's not fully cured of his ailment as certain symptoms strike him.

STOKES: The yearning for blood?

HOFFMAN: (low gasp) … well…

STOKES: Doctor Hoffman, allow me a smile at your blush. I would prefer to induce that with my own affectionate attentions. Let us not dwell on how it happened for him to have more flexibility now. Something maintains of a curse on him and that shall take more than science to administer, I'm afraid.

HOFFMAN: I suppose it will.

STOKES: But I must know if he currently exhibits signs of that ailment or so you describe. He was a mortal man from the start, was he not?

HOFFMAN: Yes, our Mister Collins wasn't a vampire and then he was and now he sort of... isn't.

STOKES: Julia? What is this Barnabas Collins? A Zen Koan? "First there was a mountain, then there wasn't, then there was"?

HOFFMAN: You're thinking of a popular song.

STOKES: Which is based on the translation of thoughts in Buddhism about the state of understanding the world. But let us digress.

HOFFMAN: Fine by me.

STOKES: I believe between the two of us we can help to come up with a solution. One element that fascinates me is the similar affliction of lycanthropy.

HOFFMAN: Oh? Werewolves?

STOKES: Precisely. How do you feel about that subject, Doctor?

HOFFMAN: (sultry) Professor? If there is a goodnight kiss into the bargain? I'll talk to you about anything.


HECUBUS: And as we fan ourselves off, we leave our collegiate couple to daintily pick at their plates, enjoy gazing into each other's eyes, and continue to wrestle with the means of making the Collinsport world a better place with their intellectual prowess.

MILLIGAN: Enough with the damn usage of the word prowess, diddly-pips. We have an ocean liner to congregate our listeners to.

HECUBUS: Well! Excuse me for breathing, master.

MILLIGAN: Excused, and don't think I didn't consider withholding that excuse. Now we are allotted the great time that it takes to set forth on an ocean cruise liner. The journey by train they hampered themselves into and learning to walk sideways at times.

HECUBUS: (chuckles) The thrill of cramped traveling can make people very friendly, indeed! What about their stay in New York, master?

MILLIGAN: Yes! Arriving in a grand New York City station, be it Central or otherwise, our fair ladies enjoyed a two-night stay in their NYC hotel, something famous and ritzy, no doubt. Spending their time in whatever fun loving way was possible considering how distracting such a city is by itself, they were eventually whisked toward the West Side of Manhattan by taxi to their ocean liner docks. And then? boarded The RMS Queen Elizabeth!

HECUBUS: Are you sure that is historically accurate, master?

MILLIGAN: No, and anyone who has a problem with it should have contacted us sooner! So there! As for our Lily Munster, or Drake, and Elizabeth Collins Stoddard, they have managed all of this wondrous travel while… shuffling horrendous indiscretions in who will carry what luggage to where, and who are allowed to provide taxi service for our two cousins, Elizabeth and Lily. Several louts received some nasty blows along the way, both verbally and physically.

HECUBUS: Oh, dear, Master. How much scuffling was involved?

MILLIGAN: Only in as much as made our Lily feel useful, and her cousin Elizabeth amused. As we know Lily currently appears far more mundane and that allows the slimy types to anticipate more timidity from her, but rest assured, she knew how to throw mighty curve-balls in their direction.

HECUBUS: Yes, the "get-out-of-my-way" approach. This leads us to their doing all the bureaucratic actions a trip like this involves, and after some taking of ginger, which prevents nausea, our Lily and Elizabeth are upon the punch table in a ballroom of the Queen Elizabeth ocean liner operated by Cunard.

MILLIGAN: More details than we needed, but whatever. Let us join their undertone of frivolity, or so it appears… at first!


[background of passengers, tinkling of glasses, footsteps all over, ocean noises]

LILY: Mmm, so good to get all settled and acquainted with our surroundings.

ELIZABETH: I should say so. Far less nuisance than I anticipated.

LILY: Because I got rid of them as they came, didn't I?

ELIZABETH: Yes, you did, my dear cousin.

["Jump in The Line" by Harry Belafonte music begins…]

LILY: LIZZIE! Oh I love this number. Put down your glass.

ELIZABETH: Why?

LILY: We've got to dance.

ELIZABETH: To this?

LILY: Of course!

ELIZABETH: But we don't have partners.

LILY: Lizzie! I'm your partner. Now come along!

ELIZABETH: Oh… I mustn't.

LILY: Yes! I insist!

ELIZABETH: All right. If you insist.

[running out to dance floor]

LILY: Come on, Lizzie; Calypso!

ELIZABETH: All right, I'm moving! I'm moving!

LILY: Oh, we can shake hips. It's all right.

ELIZABETH: Ohhh, Lily!

THE GHOST OF BILL MALLOY: Every year that went by, Liz, every year, you hoped the ghosts would be pushed further and further back, till they were hidden so deep they don't matter no more. But a ghost won't die. And this ghost is here to revisit the greatest woman on the face of this earth...

(Music grows louder for a moment as Bill Malloy appreciatively watches the dancing.)

THE GHOST OF BILL MALLOY: It's been too long since you were happy enough to dance, Liz. It's been far too long since you and I danced together. (Pause a moment for thought, then:) You know, I think it's just about time for me to cut in.

ELIZABETH: Yes, it's wonderful!

LILY: Yes we are. Yes we absolutely are.

ELIZABETH: Thank you, dear.

[music swells, dancing ensure)

LILY: (gratefully) Elizabeth? … thank you for inviting me…

ELIZABETH: (warmly) You're welcome, Lily. You are very welcome…

Shake, shake, shake, Senora
Shake your body line
Work, work, work, Senora
Work it all the time
Dance, dance, dance, Senora
Dance it all the time
Work, work, work, Senora
Work it all the time

Senora dances Calypso
Left to right is the tempo
And when she gets the sensation
She go up in the air, come down in slow motion

Ok, I believe you!
(Jump in the line, rock your body in time)
Somebody, help me!
(Jump in the line, rock your body in time)
Ok, I believe you!
(Jump in the line, rock your body in time)

Whooooa!

Shake, shake, shake, Senora,
Shake your body line
Shake, shake, shake, Senora,
Shake it all the time
Work, work, work, Senora!

[cruise line horn blare]

All Due Respect To:

The Kids In The Hall

Clue (1980's film)

Beetlejuice (1980's film)

Harry Bellafonte

The Munsters (1960's TV Show)

M*A*S*H (1970's and 1980's TV show)

Shriners International (unless there is any objection)

The Ghost & Mrs. Muir (1960's TV Show)

And of course,

Dark Shadows (1960's TV Show and 2012 film)

The Pit of Ultimate Dark Shadows is a Daryl Wor Production.


A/N Hi! Yep, I know it's a lot to say what you liked, so I have two fun suggestions:

1) A line from The Golden Girls, Sophia Petrillo, "I laughed so hard I peed. And then I laughed at that."

or

2) Cousin Lily's final line in this episode to her Cousin Elizabeth. That would do nicely. :)