A/N: Special thanks to Jonah & Clover for help with Gomez Addams. [GAMM Fans: I am very interested on your take for Captain Gregg's occasion with the ghost of Sarah Collins.]

Audio version available on podomatic/iTunes/ApplePodcasts/Podbay/archivedotorg, etc.

The Pit of Ultimate Dark Shadows: Episode 20: Bark At The Moon

MILLIGAN: Good Evening! I am your host, Sir Simon Milligan, and welcome to The Pit of Ultimate Dark Shadows!

[audience hoots and applauds]

MILLIGAN: EVIL REIGNS! That is, what I mean, being… polite evil which is might be extremely confusing to those who live in a world of black and white with only fifty shades of gray occasionally noticed and… smirked at.

HECUBUS: Arise and awaken, foolish mortals!

[Crazy and somewhat stupid applause]

HECUBUS: Thank you, audience! But I doubt you've discovered what we meant by all of that.

MILLIGAN: Of course they don't! They're merely rewarding our arrival with their usual cheering. We must explain to them what we are alluding to, which is a siphoning of the soul from the bounds of the consciousness. We must reflect our darker sides into a level of politeness, a consistency where light and dark blend, a realm in which several shades are apparent.

HECUBUS: This is why we show you these boundary transgressions toward a safer Collinsport. It transforms the mind from a land of total destruction to a town of polite demons and, dare we say it, mischievous angels. One in which Doctor Hoffman greets Carolyn Stoddard and her companion, Amy Jennings, in the foyer of Collinwood's Great House.

[Colbert's endlessly heard theme music with ocean waves]


[Door noises, steps.]

HOFFMAN: Amy! Miss Stoddard, where did you find her?

CAROLYN: Out in the woods on my way home from Schooner Bay.

HOFFMAN: You look frightened. How did you get home, Carolyn?

CAROLYN: Well, you know THIS place, Doctor Hoffman. I noticed some movement in the woods, and like a fool, I went to investigate it. There was some wild animal, that (scoffing laugh) is very likely supernatural, and much like a wolf… although dressed like a man. Then I found Amy, and here we are.

HOFFMAN: Oh! I'll go upstairs and get you a-

CAROLYN: Dr. Hoffman! I really don't require any kind of sedative. If I need something the brandy bottle is right in that other room. Haven't we recognized by now that oddball and outlandish things generally happen around here?

HOFFMAN: (fumbling) Ah, well, I suppose you're right. I think that I just…

CAROLYN: (smilingly) Got a bit confused after finding romance, Doctor Hoffman?

HOFFMAN: Who told you about that?

CAROLYN: (giggling) It was obvious. Professor Stokes is a fine gentleman.

HOFFMAN: (coughing) Yes, yes he is. Amy? Keep Miss Stoddard company. I'll return shortly.

[steps]

AMY: All right. Are you Miss Stoddard?

CAROLYN: Yes, I am Miss Carolyn Stoddard, and I want to thank you.

AMY: For what?

CAROLYN: I might have been all by myself with that wild animal out there.

AMY: Oh. That's okay. Well, I'll have to be going soon. I need to find my brother.

CAROLYN: Your brother, Chris? Amy, I'm sure if you stay here that he'll come along.

AMY: He will?

CAROLYN: Of course. We all grew up together, you know.

[toilet flushing, pause, steps]

HOFFMAN: Now, what will we do with our runaway?

CAROLYN: Runaway? Amy?

HOFFMAN: She disappeared from Wyndcliff earlier today.

AMY: You're not going to take me back there, are you, Doctor Hoffman?

HOFFMAN: I'm afraid I must.

AMY: But I don't want to go back. I don't need any treatment. All I need is my brother.

CAROLYN: Doctor Hoffman, Amy can stay here tonight. It won't be any trouble.

[stormy weather]

HOFFMAN: All right.

AMY: Oh, thank you!

[shuffling steps]

CAROLYN: David, this is Amy Jennings. She's going to spend the night with us tonight. Amy? This is my cousin, David Collins.

DAVID: Hello, Amy.

AMY: Hello, David.

DAVID: Want to come up and see my shell collection?

AMY: Sure!

[racing up the steps]

CAROLYN: Thank Heavens, that's got them occupied.

HOFFMAN: Yes. Now what about the disturbance outside? Should I call the sheriff?

CAROLYN: (low ebbing, as if shaking head) Nooooo. I'd sooner call my boyfriend about it to have a laugh, Doctor Hoffman. The main thing to consider with that creature was that the sight of Amy… frightened him away.

[sting or curtain music]


HECUBUS: That scene was diabolical, Master!

MILLIGAN: Why? Because it was the very first time we have ever hear d a toilet flush at Collinwood?

HECUBUS: No, Master, it was diabolical in the matter of our residents both making new friends and discoursing between romance and newer supernatural manifestations.

MILLIGAN: A-ha, and leaving the wonder of werewolves out of it for the time being, allow us to take a peek on what the two children, Amy and David are up to in Amy's guest quarters.


AMY: These are very pretty. Where did you find them?

DAVID: Oh, on the beach.

[thunder clapping in distance]

AMY: Oh, look at the lightning. (unclasping window)

DAVID: Do you want me to stay with you a little while longer? I hardly ever have to go to bed early… Doesn't lightning and thunder scare you?

AMY: No.

DAVID: It does most girls.

AMY: It shouldn't. It can't hurt you.

DAVID: Yes it can. Lightning can strike you dead.

AMY: Tell me all about this house. What's it like to live here? It can't be like other houses. It's bigger than any house I've ever seen. It must have a hundred rooms.

DAVID: You know, I bet nobody's even counted the rooms. There's a whole wing that's closed off, all the time. The West Wing.

AMY: Why do they keep it closed? I supposed you're going to say it's haunted.

DAVID: How did you know?

AMY: I just knew. I'll bet you've never even been to The West Wing.

DAVID: I have, too. I go there lotsa times.

AMY: Is it true? Is it haunted?

DAVID: Maybe. There are stories about this entire estate. I guess you haven't heard any of those from people in town.

AMY: Why would I? Grownups always keep secrets from people our age. Can you take me there? It's something to look forward to if I get to stay.

DAVID: Well, we'd have to be very quiet and make sure no one sees us or they'll be really mad. I'll get a flashlight tomorrow and we can go.

AMY: Oh, wonderful. Thank you, David.

DAVID: (opening door) Aw, sure. Goodnight, Amy.

AMY: Goodnight, David.

[door shuts]


MILLIGAN: And so we move along with the children achieving slumber throughout the stormy night.

HECUBUS: A stormy night is hardly unusual at Collinwood… almost a pre-requisite for visitors.

MILLIGAN: As well as a pre-requisite for guests in The Addams Family residence on Cemetery Lane. We venture to a sojourn between Peter Bradford and Gomez Addams in the joy of toy trains colliding with delightful explosives, before Peter broaches the subject of what requirements he depends on for his further existence in the 20th Century…


[toy trains rushing and then crashing]

GOMEZ: Wasn't that marvelous, Peter?

PETER: Explosive.

GOMEZ: Now, what was this about an alternate persona?

PETER: Oh, well, you see… I had been someone named Jeff Clark once upon a time and-

GOMEZ: And it didn't really suit you. By jiminy, I recognize that. You should have seen the clumsy oaf I was before finding Morticia, to have and to hold… and hold… and… and…

PETER: (recoiling) Yes! I know what you mean! No need to grab me, Mister Addams.

GOMEZ: (coming to senses) Of course, of course. So what do you need, my fellow?

PETER: A legal name change is what I need. Victoria had me sign so much on our journey as Peter Bradford. Told me I needed to get used to accepting the name entirely when I'd originally used that name in the time we met.

GOMEZ: Yes, the eighteenth century. One heck of a story, Peter.

PETER: Don't you believe me? I know it sounds farfetched, but—

GOMEZ: Not at all, not at all! Plenty an Addams could relate similar circumstances.

PETER: (with trepidation) I, uh, yes… I got that feeling. Still, have any Addams gone about digging up their own coffins? Their own graves?

GOMEZ: On occasion. Really… You make an investment, don't you? Why, you want to make sure it's suitable!

PETER: No, I mean to find out if it's yours, Gomez.

GOMEZ: Yes! Does it fit your requirements? Does this cemetery plot show my personal finesse? These things always have to be taken into account.

PETER: But from a previous life, Gomez, to find out if you are one of the walking… dead.

GOMEZ: Hmm! The dead DO like to get some air once in a while, Peter. Air out a few grievances or have a dance.

PETER: (sighing) With me it was different. I was trying to unearth if I was the same Peter Bradford that died in the 1790's. I found myself at Eagle Hill Cemetery digging up my own grave to see if whatever was in that coffin resembled who I am today.

GOMEZ: A-HA! And what did you discover?

PETER: There was NOTHING in the coffin! MY coffin! Nothing!

GOMEZ: (downcast) Oh… did that discourage you? I can see why it would; looking to find yourself and unveiling an empty box.

PETER: No. It reassured me.

GOMEZ: (boisterous) How VERY Zen of you!

PETER: (not paying attention) It made me more sure than ever; I was that man who died. Somehow I'd travelled forward through time. Possession, reincarnation? I didn't care. I'd come forward to find the woman I loved and had fought for, just as I'd promised her I would almost two centuries ago.

GOMEZ: Very noble! An exceptional purpose to travel through time!

PETER: So, you see. I am Peter Bradford.

GOMEZ: I never doubted it.

PETER: But I need documents, something to ground me in this time. Something that says I'm Peter Bradford and not Jeff Clark.

GOMEZ: (thoughtful) Oh? Forgery!

PETER: NO! Oh… well… I guess, I mean… it might look like forgery to others, but not to us. It would be this 20th Century requirement. You know what I mean?

GOMEZ: Precisely! I can handle that right now.

PETER: You CAN?

GOMEZ: Of course! You know how these things go, don't you? You practiced law, didn't you, Peter?

PETER: Well, I… I haven't practiced Law since 1795, Mister Addams.

GOMEZ: 1795? Why! That's over one hundred and seventy year's experience, Peter. That'll do. I'll call Blooker.

PETER: Blooker? Your stock-broker? Why?

GOMEZ: Because I always call him… He can often confirm to me that something is a safe-bet… or a wildly, wonderful un-safe one.


HECUBUS: No surprises on that account. We'll see if Gomez Addams will affirm Peter Bradford's proper credentials in the episodes to come.

MILLIGAN: Hardly edge of our seat material considering The Addams Family. However we must continue from The Addams House of an evening to The Old House of a morning, with the absolute fun and attraction a reincarnated Josette pursues to her past and future family.

HECUBUS: But which member is her past family and which one is her future family, Master?

MILLIGAN: Yes, exactly, Hecubus. Either member is both, more or less.

[knocking on door, door opening]

SARAH: Hello, Maggie, oh, I mean…

MAGGIE: It's all right, Sarah. Go ahead. You know who I am.

SARAH: Josette?

MAGGIE: Yes, of course. Where are you off to, Sarah?

SARAH: I need to have a think. Something's troubling me now… about… a friend. I need to be by myself. You understand, don't you?

MAGGIE: Yes, I think I do, very much. Now off you go.

SARAH: Merci, Josette. (scampering away)

MAGGIE: (deep sigh, stepping inside, and calling) Barnabas?

BARNABAS: (stepping) Maggie? Is that you?

MAGGIE: Who else would it be?

BARNABAS: Hmm, when it comes to you? Any number of people, I suppose.

MAGGIE: Oh? Already used to teasing me in that sense?

BARNABAS: If there is any other way of handling your presence… I'd be obliged for you to tell me.

MAGGIE: Mmm, of course. I am myself several times over, aren't I?

BARNABAS: And I'd have you no other way, my dear.

(smooching sounds)

MAGGIE: Thank you. I just needed that assurance.

BARNABAS: Anytime you desire a kiss from me will be the time I am ready to drop to my knees in order to bestow it to your lips.*

MAGGIE: As I shall never doubt, Barnabas. Now, you know, many problems face us ahead… and…

BARNABAS: A new one has unfolded?

MAGGIE: Yes. Tom's brother, Chris. Pop and I have been looking into Chris' actions and we believe he has a problem similar to yours.

BARNABAS: Oh?

MAGGIE: Oui. A dilemma of dire proportions. Something Doctor Hoffman and Professor Stokes possibly know about.

BARNABAS: Is it lycanthropy?

MAGGIE: You mean they've told you about it?

BARNABAS: Oh… let's just say Wadsworth told me.

MAGGIE: Trust him for that!

BARNABAS: As we do.

MAGGIE: (relieved giggle) All right, all right, Well… I'm on my way to The Great House. I already know Chris from when we were at school and… I'm not sure how blatant I should be with Chris. From what Papa told me, I think Chris is suffering from lycanthropy.

BARNABAS: So it is lycanthropy? I see. (walking about) Do you feel you should confront Chris about it?

MAGGIE: Yes. I feel like, h'mmm… you remember what we talked about at The Blue Whale, about people here always having circular arguments; inanely indefatigable conversations upon a single point?

BARNABAS: Without a doubt!

MAGGIE: I… well, I suppose I wanted your approval of my attempting to cut through all of that. What do you think, Barnabas?

BARNABAS: (steps) You're asking me?

MAGGIE: Yes… (smiling voice) However much you prefer to hold me while considering it. It's not as if I mind.

BARNABAS: You give me too much leeway, Maggie. You have my approval in this dilemma, as well as other attentions. But there is something you're considering about this problem. If he is a werewolf, this Chris Jennings, what might you require from me?

MAGGIE: I think… that we might need the mausoleum to trap him… and soon. To keep him safe in the future from himself.

BARNABAS: You're very right, Maggie. Very right. I'm here for that if you need me.

MAGGIE: I always need you, Barnabas.

BARNABAS: And I you.

(more smooching sounds)


MILLGAN: (sighs) I'll never get that man to cheat at cards with me again.

HECUBUS: I don't believe your old bridge partner will ever do anything remotely touching infidelity of any sort in the future.

MILLIGAN: And who can blame him considering his lady fair? Be that as it may and ever shall be, our Maggie Evans of the present must venture back to The Great House of Collinwood only to encounter her old classmate, Chris Jennings much sooner than she expected.

HECUBUS: And we listen to their conversation of re-acquaintance… in progress!


CHRIS: Doctor Hoffman? Oh… she was in shock. Terrified I was my brother Tom.

MAGGIE: Well, that's natural. Some of us are more than one person.

CHRIS: Maggie, you're not what I expected, more has changed about you than meets the eye.

MAGGIE: Me? Oh I have changed. I used to get lost about myself at times. Now? I'm starting to discover who I really am. It's actually fairly common for someone my age.

CHRIS: Wish it was common for me.

MAGGIE: I don't understand you, Chris.

CHRIS: Very few people do.

MAGGIE: Mmm… Are you going to ignore your sister, Amy? And just leave her to the kindness of strangers?

CHRIS: I'm sorry it has to be this way but it does!

MAGGIE: You know, a very dear friend of mine once told me that "uniqueness is not always a good thing. It sets you apart from other men." I take it that's your dilemma? Uniqueness?

CHRIS: And what a rotten kind, a kind no one would understand, I'm sure.

MAGGIE: You never know, Chris. Maybe someone here would.

CHRIS: Look, how did Tom die? The reports showed it was from the bites of an animal and there are no animals in this vicinity that would be able to make bites like that.

MAGGIE: You've been away from here a while, haven't you? You don't know what animals have cropped up in Collinsport, do you?

CHRIS: … I suppose I don't.

MAGGIE: No, you don't.

CHRIS: Look. Take this.

MAGGIE: What is it? Money?

CHRIS: Take care of Amy with it. I need to leave town. Tonight, in fact.

MAGGIE: Chris, you are her only living relative. You are all she has. She doesn't need money. She needs you!

CHRIS: Maggie Evans, I have to go, and nothing you can say is going to change my mind!

MAGGIE: Oh? How about this?

[walking, shutting doors in drawing room, walking]

MAGGIE: You're a werewolf, aren't you, Chris?

[Dramatic Sting]


HECUBUS: And NOW that you're on the edge of your seat, let us return to where little Sarah has decided to have her think, which is upon Widows Hill, as our ghost of Captain Gregg, himself, finds her there.


[ocean waves, ghostly fooming noise]

GREGG: Ah, little Sarah Collins, I thought I'd find you here. Have you been out here all day?

SARAH: Yes, Captain. I felt… in the way… at home.

GREGG: Really, what with that butler doing such a first rate job on your room?

SARAH: Yes, it is wonderful, isn't it? He made it look so close to what I remember.

GREGG: To what you lived in?

SARAH: Yes.

GREGG: I can understand that, Miss Collins. I currently have residents that keep removing the belongings I loved in my own home.

SARAH: Really, Captain?

GREGG: I'm trying to get over it, but it's difficult, Miss Collins, very difficult.

SARAH: Oh, it must be. Is your barometer still there?

GREGG: Staunchly, Miss Collins. My barometer isn't going anywhere.

SARAH: Good! I'd hate to find out that was taken. I know you were worried about it before.

GREGG: I was, and now it's made a jolly good yarn for you, my dear.

SARAH: Yes. And it is better to know that I am a ghost, when I can remember.

GREGG: That shall get easier, Miss Collins. I promise.

SARAH: Thank you, Captain.

GREGG: You have very good manners, Miss Collins. Did anyone ever tell you that?

SARAH: Oh, yes, my brother, Barnabas. Not my father so much, but I learnt most of my manners from my mother, as you know.

GREGG: Yes, I do. I simply felt your good breeding needed to be pointed out. We all require our accomplishments expressed every so often.

SARAH: It does feel good, Captain Gregg.

GREGG: So it does. Now what is it you are here on Widows Hill considering, Miss Collins?

SARAH: My Cousin David.

GREGG: Oh?

SARAH: Yes, he's only just gotten used to me again that I've come back. But now… there is another little girl making friends with him and… I shouldn't worry. I shouldn't feel jealous, should I?

GREGG: Aye, we want to believe we can handle our feelings at all times and in all calamities.

SARAH: Mmm-hmm! So, I am answering your question Captain Gregg, because that is the reason I'm sitting here. I'm trying to understand how I feel about it.

GREGG: Very good! It's important to be honest, especially with oneself. I believe I can help you, Miss Collins.

SARAH: (excited) Can you, Captain?

GREGG: I shall try. You realize there are many things in your Cousin David's life that needs to be lived. Yes?

SARAH: Of course I do.

GREGG: Do you remember, Miss Collins, when everyone went away and left you? You told Miss Evans that she forgot you, just like everybody else.

SARAH: (saddened) I felt that she had.

GREGG: Had everybody forgotten you, Sarah?

SARAH: (coughs) Captain Gregg, it FELT like it!

GREGG: And perhaps, that is what's bothering you now. You believe David will forget you.

SARAH: Well, won't he?

GREGG: Who says that he will? Jonathan Muir never forgets me, and, I believe someday, his sister, Candy, will recognize me, just as well.

SARAH: Will she? (Sighing hums) I'm not sure what to make of Amy Jennings.

GREGG: Obviously. You haven't made friends with her as you've boarded ship with your Cousin David. Amy is a new girl in your Collinsport.

SARAH: That's true.

GREGG: And the bigger consideration, Miss Collins; You were tide-tossed about so many beloved people forgetting who you were.

SARAH: Yes, I was.

GREGG: And who is going to mislay your presence now? Do you have any idea how many friends you've made, Sarah Collins?

SARAH: I haven't made that many, Captain.

GREGG: Oh, yes you have. You've got Sam Evans, Maggie Evans, the return of your brother Barnabas, then Cousin David, Wadsworth, and… that dastardly Willie Loomis fellow.

SARAH: (affronted) Don't call Willie dastardly, Captain Gregg! He tried to protect me, you know.

GREGG: (Laughingly) All right, I know, but I wanted to make sure you remembered him too.

SARAH: Well, I do, Captain. Willie Loomis is one of my dearest friends.

GREGG: And THAT is my point, Miss Collins. You are sitting here on Widows Hill in the presumption that you will be scuttled, that David might begin to ignore you and you will have no one. But… we both know… that isn't true. You have a score of friends and loved ones remembering you easily now… Your brother, most especially.

SARAH: (sigh) Yes, Barnabas has learned to be good again… and I wouldn't have come back until he did.

GREGG: So… you'll have no more worries about your friends, will you? Your house, Collins House, is your home once more, just as Gull Cottage is mine. And no one is ever going to take that away from you again, will they?

SARAH: No, they won't.

GREGG: And more to the point, everyone living in it, or coming and going from it to pay their deepest honours, knows exactly who you are, Sarah Collins, and they revere you.

SARAH: Yes. Yes. Thank you, Captain Gregg.

GREGG: (laughing) A-ha, don't thank me, Sarah Collins, thank yourself for being a most ship-worthy little lass.


MILLIGAN: The Captain can be brusque and forward at times, but at others he's as sneaky and heartwarming as almost any ghost.

HECUBUS: And there we hit about that development of evil and polite! Sneaky and heartwarming fits in to that realm when it comes to the spooks in our midst.

MILLIGAN: Agreed. We'll find a better method of explaining that juxtaposition someday. Meanwhile we must return to how Chris Jennings is responding to Maggie Evans' point-blank question of him being cursed with lycanthropy.

HECUBUS: And our first born Jennings twin will dance around the answer as one would expect!


CHRIS: A werewolf? Me?

MAGGIE: Go ahead. Deny it.

CHRIS: I certainly should. What are you, nuts?

MAGGIE: Pistachio, if you don't mind.

CHRIS: (snorts) A werewolf. Do you have any idea how crazy that sounds, Maggie Evans?

MAGGIE: Oh, I've heard crazier, especially around here.

CHRIS: Must be far crazier than I remember.

MAGGIE: Chris Jennings? Do recall you are standing in the drawing room of Collinwood's Great House.

CHRIS: All right, all right! We all grew up on the tales about this place!

MAGGIE: Exactly. Now one fact remains.

CHRIS: What?

MAGGIE: You still haven't answered my question.

CHRIS: Which one?

MAGGIE: You're a werewolf, aren't you, Chris?

CHRIS: Maggie! How can you be so absurd?

MAGGIE: Ah-ah-ah-ah! See, there! I know this town better than you do! That is the way to evade the question around here! You simply ask another question as if the first person's inquiry was nonsense.

CHRIS: (half cough) What can I say?

MAGGIE: You can tell me the truth, Chris. Answer the question. Are you a werewolf?

[dramatic music cut by record skid, door opens,]


HECUBUS: And so Chris Jennings is spared answering this question by the usual obnoxious interruption of someone else showing up!


CAROLYN: Hello, Chris!

CHRIS: Carolyn. Glad to see you.

CAROLYN: It's been a long time.

CHRIS: Yes. Yes, it has.

CAROLYN: You haven't changed.

CHRIS: Haven't I? Well, I'm… I'm glad.

CAROLYN: Oh, Amy can talk of no one else but you.

CHRIS: Yes. How about her running away from the hospital like that? I never thought that would happen.

CAROLYN: You're the reason. You can go up to her.

[steps fade into distance]


MILLIGAN: And now that the Jennings dilemma is staved off for the time being, another two classmates of adjoining years discuss the issues at hand.

HECUBUS: Maggie Evans and Carolyn Stoddard to be exact!


CAROLYN: Maggie? What's bothering you?

MAGGIE: I need to discuss something with you in private.

CAROLYN: Oh? Is there more to come?

[steps, door closing]

CAROLYN: So, Governess Evans. What rock through yonder window breaks?

MAGGIE: (snorts) Let's make sure you and I are on the up and up, okay?

CAROLYN: Sure!

[sitting noises]

MAGGIE: Carolyn, I'm about to ask you some things point blank.

CAROLYN: Do it.

MAGGIE: So, from what I remember about all the details, you're very aware of who Barnabas Collins actually is, right?

CAROLYN: Oh? Cousin from England? Hardly!

MAGGIE: Yes, he's the same man as in the portrait. And he was a vampire and now he is somewhat vaguely "cured".

CAROLYN: All right. Yes, though I have to wonder how you know that, Maggie.

MAGGIE: Well… I see the smile, Carolyn. Everything was explained to me. I had… well, I had a form of therapy that showed me a great deal about myself and-

CAROLYN: You have a link to our ancestor… Josette duPres.

MAGGIE: (little sigh) I am Josette duPres… from a previous life…

CAROLYN: (deep breath) I suspected as much, at least I did recently. You couldn't be so cozy with Cousin Barnabas for no reason. Go on.

MAGGIE: (clasping her hands together) As you know… This is a spooky place and spooky things happen.

CAROLYN: Oh? You think?

MAGGIE: (snorting) All, right! I suppose I didn't need to prepare you, did I?

CAROLYN: After growing up in this house? No, Maggie Evans, you sure didn't. By the way, nice portrait of you at The Old House.

MAGGIE: Thanks! We'll have to chat more about that later.

CAROLYN: I agree. But like you've been suggesting; we're in a hurry here.

MAGGIE: Yes we are… because of Chris.

CAROLYN: O-h-h-h, great! Is he a vampire too?

MAGGIE: (deep breath) No, not quite.

CAROLYN: Uh-oh… your voice makes me think this is going to be something worse.

MAGGIE: It is. I get the very distinct impression that Chris is… a werewolf.

CAROLYN: A werewolf? You mean…

MAGGIE: Yes… the full moon comes, he turns into a wolf-like creature and goes far more berserk and then, unlike our Vampire Barnabas, he can't remember what he did when he was a werewolf.

CAROLYN: Yikes! Sounds like getting black-out-drunk.

MAGGIE: And he… oh, Carolyn, it does! Or… it's like…

CAROLYN: That time of the month for either of us *and* getting black-out-drunk?

MAGGIE: You are exceedingly correct, Carolyn… Anyway, if this is happening to Chris we have to watch out for him and everyone he might come in contact with.

CAROLYN: We sure do! I'm so glad you trusted me… And… gosh… Maggie… you and I got through that pretty quick, didn't we?

MAGGIE: What do you mean?

CAROLYN: Well, you showed more guts to risk really telling me all of those things… which, admittedly, I suspected all along about you and Barnabas; And all of that just for the sake that you felt you could confide in me, and for being helpful to Chris and Amy.

MAGGIE: Oh, to everyone, I figure. Plenty of people are in danger around here. We have got to start watching out for each other without dismissing so many obvious problems in the belief the rest of the world considers them to be "impossible".

CAROLYN: I agree completely. Hmm! I think I might get used to this being-in-charge condition.

MAGGIE: Ohhh… Don't speak too loudly. Some Collinwood spook might hear you and get jealous.

CAROLYN: (giggling) All right! I'll whisper it next time!

[phone ringing, steps, and more steps]

CAROLYN: (answering) Hello? Aw, Tony. You always seem to know when I'm thinking about you… Oh, well if you don't mind me possibly bringing an old friend… Who? Chris Jennings. Remember him? Well it's not like we didn't allow Mrs. Muir to interrupt our date in Schooner Bay. This might just be the thing we need; a classmate to remember the old days with, right? I need to go into town anyway and pick up a few things in the shops. Oh, Tony. There's something else. We need to watch Chris closely for anything unusual… Yes, you're right. The unusual is pretty much the usual around here. Ok. I'll find out and I'll get back to you. (hangs up phone)


HECUBUS: We move you away from our graduates of Collinsport High School to another scene, in which Chris interrupts Amy devising a new plan with David Collins…


DAVID: I've got the flashlight if you want to explore the West Wing.

AMY: Does it work?

DAVID: Of course it does! See… (click)

AMY: I'm not seeing it work.

DAVID: Drat! The batteries are dead. I'll have to find some new ones.

[door opens]

CHRIS: Amy?

AMY: You're here!

DAVID: Hello.

CHRIS: Ah, and you must be David. I'm Amy's brother, Chris. Good to meet you.

DAVID: Good to meet you, Chris.

CHRIS: Hey, would you mind me spending a little time with my sister?

DAVID: Oh, that's okay. (shifting footsteps) See you later, Amy!

[door closes, Poignant Woodwinds music]

AMY: Where have you been?

CHRIS: Now wait just a minute, the question is not where have I been?

AMY: It IS.

CHRIS: That's not it. That's not the question. You were supposed to stay in that hospital.

AMY: Well, I was afraid you'd gone away again.

CHRIS: I haven't, have I?

AMY: You might have. Why do you have to go away… ever? Why?

CHRIS: Now who said I had to do anything, huh? You said that. I didn't.

AMY: You mean you're going to stay in Collinsport? Can I come and live with you?

CHRIS: Now what would you do after I had to go to work?

AMY: Oh, I could take care of myself.

CHRIS: No, you couldn't.

AMY: Why can't I be with you?

CHRIS: It just isn't possible. Amy, I'd like to, I'd like to stay with you more than anything. Look I'll find you a nice home here in town where you can stay.

AMY: No, no!

CHRIS: I'm sorry. I'm really sorry, honey, but that's the best I can do. Maybe one day… I'll be able to explain it to you… Now don't look at me like that.

AMY: Are you going to take me to this home this afternoon?

CHRIS: That depends.

AMY: You don't want me! You don't want me at all!

CHRIS: Amy, it's not that… I…

[steps, door opens]

CHRIS: I'm sorry.

[door closes, music fades out]


MILLIGAN: This Chris Jennings never seems to fair well in his discussions as they continue to lead to inexplicable arguments. In order to relieve this awkward encounter with Chris' sister, we cut to the next inexplicable argument he's having with Carolyn Stoddard.


CAROLYN: But that's ridiculous. You can't just put her in some home like that. Let her stay here.

CHRIS: I can't!

CAROLYN: Why not? Mother left me in charge, for the most part, Chris. We have all this room.

MAGGIE: You'd be doing us a favour, Chris.

CHRIS: No. Thank you. It's out of the question. I can't consider it. You all are much too kind.

CAROLYN: You come and let me convince you, Chris. I've got to go into town anyway, why don't you come with me? We can meet up with Tony for a drink.

CHRIS: Oh? Gosh, there's a name I haven't heard in a while. Tony Peterson?

CAROLYN: Yep. Come on, I'll explain on the way there.

CHRIS: Well, all right. I could use something to relax me.

MAGGIE: Yes, I think you could.


HECUBUS: No matter what strange, bemused expressions Miss Evans and Mister Jennings displayed at each other on his way out the door, we must expunge that to find Tony Peterson welcoming Carolyn and Chris at the dive bar in town!


[Blue Whale music]

CAROLYN: You don't have to do this.

CHRIS: No, no. I ought to buy you a drink. I owe you much more than that.

TONY: (steps in) There you are!

CAROLYN: Yes! Here we are, Tony.

TONY: How are you, Chris?

CHRIS: Oh, well, I've been better. You know about my brother, Tom.

TONY: Yes, yes. I've been consoling Carolyn about it this week, not to mention myself.

CHRIS: (relieved sighing) Thanks, Tony. And good to see you doing so well for yourself by this time. You were always a little bit ahead of the rest of us kids.

TONY: Aw, now, I worked hard to get here, Chris.

CHRIS: Of course you did. No arguments, you two. I'm buying the drinks.

TONY: You don't have to do that, Chris. Shouldn't you be the guest?

CHRIS: Oh, you don't know what a problem it's been for me, this whole thing with Amy and what to do about her. Now I understand that her staying at Collinwood is only a temporary solution.

CAROLYN: Not at all. Mother has left me at the helm, and I have decided Amy can stay as long as she wants to.

CHRIS: "The generosity of strangers."

CAROLYN: Chris... We're not strangers.

CHRIS: No. No, you're not. But, you know, yesterday if anybody had asked me about the Collins' of Collinwood I would have said, "Zip. They're strangers to me." Thank you.

CAROLYN: The terrible thing is that we'll become attached to Amy and then you'll marry and want her.

TONY: Well, at least she'll have two families, then.

[barmaid steps to take order]

BARMAID: What would you all like?

CAROLYN: A daiquiri, please.

TONY: For me, a high-ball.

BARMAID: And you, sir?

CHRIS: Oh, I dunno, a shot of Irish? (barmaid walks away) It must seem really weird to you that I don't take care of Amy myself. I mean, after all, Tom did.

CAROLYN: Tom didn't travel as much as you do.

CHRIS: No. No, he didn't. Still, I mean, surely someone must have asked why I don't just stay here, settle down.

TONY: Chris, we don't spend much of our time living other peoples' lives.

CHRIS: Oh, I know, I'm sorry, I don't mean that. I just meant, you know, it must have come up.

CAROLYN: What you meant- is that it worries you.

CHRIS: Yeah. Yeah, it does.

[barmaid steps in]

BARMAID: There you are.

ALL THREE: Thank you.

TONY: You don't think you could settle down, Chris, obviously.

CHRIS: Noooo, not now.

CAROLYN: Psychologically incapable?

CHRIS: I guess, yeah.

TONY: Well, you may change, Chris. One never knows.

CAROLYN: Cheers.

[glasses clinking]

TONY: Chris I hope you'll look into what Carolyn is asking. I'd say it'd be good for all of us if you could stay around town for, oh, a week or so.

CAROLYN: Yes, and it would help Amy quite a bit until she could feel secure with us. Do you think you'll be able to?

CHRIS: I don't know.

[Dong of late night clock enhancing sinister proportions]

CAROLYN: It gets dark so early this time of year. It always surprises me. Of course I'm a summer person but anyone who spends winters in Maine is.

CHRIS: (abruptly) Check, please!

TONY: Carolyn, you said you had some errands you wanted to do before the stores closed?

CAROLYN: They're not important.

CHRIS: Well, I'd forgotten something I'd wanted to do, too. I forgot all about it. I must have stayed at Collinwood for longer than I intended.


MILLIGAN: And as the lovely barmaid brings this tab to the cheap drinks…

HECUBUS: Which are only cheap to us because we live in a time that pocket change for such beverages are a welcome sight in retrospect.

MILLIGAN: Mister Jennings is visualizing a pentagram on the barmaid's face. THIS means she may be dying tonight, and he will feel guilty about it because-

HECUBUS: Because he is exactly what Miss Evans predicted he was: a werewolf, who just won't admit it!

MILLIGAN: As the barmaid adheres to the comical distaste of it all!


BARMAID: Anything wrong, sir?

CHRIS: No! Um, Carolyn, Tony? I have to go. I'll get in touch tomorrow. If, I… if I can.

[Chris rushes out, barmaid steps to bar...]

TONY: Well, there she goes to check herself in the mirror after he gave her that shocked stare.

CAROLYN: I'd do the same thing if I were her. A customer doesn't turn ghostly pale while paying his tab without making you wonder if you suddenly have a tarantula tattooed all over your face.

TONY: (coughing) Mmmnn, it could be of little relevance. Maybe Chris just needs relief and prefers using the men's room at the Collinsport Inn.

CAROLYN: (quick laugh, then sighing) Well, that is about all we can consider for right now. I'd say we better hit those shops. I've discovered what evidence, out of Chris behaving strangely, as I can for the night.

TONY: Strange behaviour?

CAROLYN: Yes. I'll get you updated on our way… You know? This would be a good story to ask The Captain about, if you know what I mean.

TONY: Oh! I sure do!


MILLIGAN: And no matter whether or not our gumshoe prominent lawyer and his girl of girls recognizes what is about to happen…

HECUBUS: It WILL happen. A wolf like Jennings returns to the scene of the drink! And ends up pursuing actions in which he has little choice… but WILL be ashamed of in the future!

MILLIGAN: Another terrible step in revealing one being a polite demon!


(Music with Barmaid locking up Blue Whale, knockings and werewolf growls…)

BARMAID: Sorry, all closed up!

[Growling of wolf noises, braking in noises, barmaid screaming, "Bark At The Moon" by Ozzy Osbourne]

Howling in shadows
Living in a lunar spell
He finds his heaven
Spewing from the mouth of hell

Those that the beast is looking for
Listen in awe and you'll hear him
Bark at the moon
Hey, yeah bark at the moon
Hey, yeah bark at the moon
H-O-W-L-!-!-!


All Due Respect to:

The Kids In The Hall

Ozzy Osbourne

The Addams Family (1960's TV show)

The Ghost and Mrs. Muir (1960's TV show)

And of course,

Dark Shadows (1960's TV show)


*Yes, it's very likely if he were to drop to his knees he… might have troubles reaching her lips!


Q & A:

1) Anything Milligan and Hecubus have surprised you with in their presentation?

2) How did you enjoy the illumination in this exchange between Doctor Hoffman, Amy and Carolyn? (Yes, there was a household convenience in the scene you might not have expected!)

3) Plenty of discussion of what Amy and David are talking about would be welcome!

4) What highlights tickled you in this odd discussion between Peter Bradford and Gomez Addams

5) How did you absorb the considerations between our star couple, Barnabas and Maggie (once Josette)?

6) What details elated you in this discussion between Maggie Evans and Chris Jennings, including her exceptional question at the end?

7) How did you enjoy this conversation between the two ghosts of Captain Gregg and Sarah Collins?

8) Please relieve yourself about how crazy Collinwood is between Maggie and Chris' wondering of whether or not Chris is a werewolf!

9) What charmed you in this rapid-fire catch-up between Maggie and Carolyn?

10) How did you take to this scene with David, Amy and Chris?

11) Any fun in this sequence of convincing Chris to join Carolyn and Tony at The Blue Whale?

12) How did you enjoy this scene of Tony, Carolyn and Chris reuniting at the saloon?

13) Any surprises of either ghastly or fun in this last scene?


A/N: Or? Just let me know what you enjoyed in your own words. Thanks!