Special Thanks to Osheen Nevoy for help and research with Bill Malloy! (And many other consultations.)

The Pit of Ultimate Dark Shadows, Episode 21: Up The Damned Staircase

(Usual Colbert intro music)

MILLIGAN: Yes, I know. Who's ready?

[crowd cheering wildly]

SOME DUDE: (shouting in lengthy manner) Up The Down Escalator!

MILLIGAN: What? We're not The Chameleons and we don't do requests!

SOME DUDE: That's okay. They didn't play the song for me either…

MILLIGAN: And little wonder… Hecubus?


[crowd cheering]

MILLIGAN: I suppose we did. Ladies and Gentlemen? Hecubus the otherwise Evil one!

HECUBUS: Otherwise?

MILLIGAN: Don't ask! We have to get to where our various show characters are managing their livelihoods. We weren't hired for this radio series to simply be cute and random!

HECUBUS: Oh? I got the impression that we were.

MILLIGAN: Well we weren't so, zip it!

HECUBUS: (zipper noise)

MILLIGAN: Now! We shall go into the next resounding visit between Elizabeth Collins Stoddard and the Ghost of Bill Malloy, after the extensively over played music!

[insert Dark Shadows opening theme with crashing ocean waves]

["Drunken Sailor" on piano]

BILL: All right! All right! [music breaks – ocean waves fade in] I hear ya, Elizabeth Stoddard. No need to belt that one so loud.

ELIZABETH: I wasn't exactly pounding staccato, was I?

BILL: Felt like it to me. Guess maybe I'm just… extra-sensitive to that song. And to you. I'd probably hear it if you were humming it under your breath. Where's that cousin of yours?

ELIZABETH: She claims that she is "communing with the bats", but I hardly believe her.

BILL: Can't see the bats for the tequila?

ELIZABETH: I wouldn't know. It's not my usual beverage.

BILL: I would'a wagered it wasn't. Now for your questions, Liz.

ELIZABETH: How it happened. How you… passed on. I know Matthew Morgan killed you. He told me that himself.

BILL: So he did. I thought I was going to get the truth that night. Turns out I found a truth I wasn't lookin' for… and far too much of it.I found out Matthew could be murderous, and I'm the ghostly proof of that foul and murderous man.

ELIZABETH: (sighing) I felt Matthew was trying to protect me… and my family.

BILL: So much for protection when it led to keeping Victoria locked away behind a bookcase at The Old House. I still wonder how the poor girl ever got a bite to eat, much less hygienic relief.

ELIZABETH: Bill, what were you doing on the cliff to begin with?

BILL: I went there to meet with your brother Roger.


BILL: Ayuh. Whatever his dastardly place was in all the trouble Burke Devlin was stirring up, I was sure Roger had the answer. I was sure, by then, that what Burke had been saying all along was true. It was Roger drivin' the car that night, an' his perjury on the witness stand sent an innocent man to prison. I just had to find the way to make Roger admit that, because Burke wasn't goin' to stop persecuting your family till he heard Roger say those words. So? I gave him my ultimatum: Told him to meet me at his office at eleven o' clock. Told Burke and Sam Evans to be there, too. I was going to force the truth out of Roger that night. When I was about to leave the house, Roger phoned me. Said he had to talk with me alone; begged me to meet him at Lookout Point. So I went there, an' I waited. He didn't turn up. I was ready to leave for his office at quarter to eleven when… Matthew Morgan showed up instead.

ELIZABETH: (clearly troubled) Bill ... you don't suppose that Roger ...

BILL: (wryly) That he sent Matthew to get rid of me? [He turns serious.] No, Liz. Don't you worry about that. I'm guessin' Matthew overheard Roger's phone call, and that's how he knew I'd be on Lookout Point. You see, I was ... kinda floatin' about the place, watchin' to see what happened next, after Matthew realized he'd killed me an' took to his heels. So I was there when Roger finally showed up and found my body. An' from how he looked, and what he said ... Nope. I think it's safe to say he didn't put Matthew up to it. If anything, I think poor Roger was more shocked about it all than I was.


BILL: As dear as God can be. He didn't allow me to live minus in this weird sense as I stand before you now. And it's true, Matthew and I could be considered to have been on the same side: Yours. But he saw me as a threat to your safety with my trying to get the answers out of Roger.


BILL: And so it came to Matthew extending his concern to go further than man should ever go. We struggled and I lost. (sighs) The rest you must know by now. I'm thankful I could witness his eventual demise with The Widows as my companions, and I became as much a part of Widows Hill as they did for some time, until I could follow you on this journey.

ELIZABETH: Dear Bill… I… I thank you for describing it so to me. Perhaps I asked for more than I could endure tonight.

BILL: (Softly, genuinely) It's what I've always admired about you, whether I was alive or passed on; your willingness to take it until you couldn't take no more. I must thank you also, for finally pulling the plug on your wedding with McGuire, Liz. Spirit or not, it pained me continually to know of his manipulation back then.

ELIZABETH: Oh! WELL! You are VERY welcome for that! My own confession solved a boundless amount of problems, which is how I learned to conceal so much less afterward. It's best to find where the truth will be the most appreciated.

BILL: Ayuh. It's as well you have such a cousin to delight in the morbid as though it were mundane.

ELIZABETH: Does she? I hadn't noticed.

BILL: (smilingly) Of course, too much on your mind to notice a bit of oddity in a loved one. It's a delight to see this in you after all the worrying you kept at so constantly before. (pauses) Well, as you know Matthew died suddenly at The Old House after threatening Victoria with that axe. The Widows and I… we wouldn't stand for that, and so, we scared him to death while Josette kept Victoria comforted. I was sure Maggie had told you all about that already, but things being as busy as they are…

ELIZABETH: (inquiringly) Bill Malloy? What do you mean? Why would Maggie Evans have explained any of this to me by now? She's never mentioned it at all.

BILL: Oh? Oh! Of course, you still don't know, do ye?


BILL: The ghost of Josette Collins nee duPres has long been the astral body of Maggie Evans. It took me a while to figure out too. Everything seemed to come clear when that new butler arrived though, sharp clear, Liz. We all began to benefit whole lotta clarity when he showed up.

ELIZABETH: I'm getting more information than I predicted tonight! Bill? Are you telling me there is more connection to Josette and Maggie than merely a similar appearance?

BILL: Oh yes. Josette returned in life as Maggie Evans, but she fragments into a ghost at times. From what I know Josette has accomplished this about a century before, as well. She has a talent for it.

ELIZABETH: (sighs exasperatedly) Indeed! It's so much to digest, I, I think I'll have to ask for a moment's silence, Bill. (pauses for breath, steps) Maggie Evans is a reincarnation… of Josette Collins?

BILL: Josette duPres is what she prefers, Liz. (chuckling) Guess she always was a thoroughly modern woman-in 1795 just the same as in 1968. She's another of the strong and admirable women of Collinwood that I'm proud to call my friend.

[ocean waves roll in the silence of speech]

ELIZABETH: That is soothing.

BILL: You noticed my holding your hand?

ELIZABETH: As I hold yours. I just didn't expect it to feel… warm.

BILL: Ayuh, well ... I could say it's you bein' so near that's caused the warmth. But I reckon that'd sound too much like a line from a Hallmark card.

ELIZABETH: Hallmark card or not, Bill ... I thank you for saying it.

BILL: You're welcome… Liz…

HECUBUS: Holding hands, Master? How is that possible if he's a ghost?

MILLIGAN: Hecubus? If we've learned anything about Collinsport ghosts by now, it's that they don't always fall into a single set of rules to play by. Where are we to next, dalrymple?

HECUBUS: We seem to be wafting into evening, a time in which Maggie Evans will be investigating the break-in by werewolf at The Blue Whale.

[door shutting , steps]

BOB: Oh, hi ya, Maggie.

MAGGIE: Hi, Bob.

BOB: Mmm… As you can see… we're not open for business right now.

MAGGIE: I know.

BOB: I'm just cleaning up some. What did you come around for?

MAGGIE: I was just wondering what all this fuss was about. Is there anything you can tell me, or well that you're allowed to tell me?

BOB: Aw, Maggie, I'm sure I'm allowed to tell you plenty. It's just sad since (exhale) …well… Another one from Walton's Mountain bites the dust!

MAGGIE: What's that, Punchy? The girl tending bar here?

BOB : Yeh, I hired that girl from outta town and now I feel like a bargain-booby. I mean this place is crazy enough so much of the time and *I* always survive it!

MAGGIE: Yes, well, you know what they say about spooks and spirits.

BOB: (admonishing) Maggie!

MAGGIE: I'm sorry, Bob. Was there anything different about this break-in?

BOB: Oh, well. I tell ya, Maggie, dog droppings at the door don't usually accompany an incident like this! That was almost like adding insult to injury.

MAGGIE: Dog droppings?

BOB: Yep! And don't ask me to show it to you. The sheriff decided to grab all the evidence… even down to that crap. Pardon, my language.

MAGGIE: No, no. It is, literally, just what you called it. I understand, Bob. It must feel awful hiring her so quickly only for her to meet her doom in this disruptive town.

BOB: Boy howdy! (sighing) Well, I make ends meet somehow. You can let the townsfolk know I'll have this place up and running again within the week. I'm sure your Pop is missing it.

MAGGIE: Mmm… Yes, and no. We've got plenty of drinks stashed at home. And music.

BOB: Just as well for him to stay there. It's safer.

MAGGIE: It is if no newspapers catch fire.

BOB: Oh, yeah. Back when Laura Collins was in town, I remember hearing about that.

MAGGIE: Who didn't?

BOB: I got ya, Maggie. Small town. Did I give you the skinny on all you needed?

MAGGIE: You sure did. (Steps away) I'll see you later and I hope things pep up.

BOB: Sure thing. They have to, don't they?

MAGGIE: Yes, they do.

[door closes]

HECUBUS: I think Maggie Evans has oddly noticed the smell of Chris' aftershave in this establishment.

MILLIGAN: And what would that be?

HECUBUS: Brut by Faberge!

MILLIGAN: Hmm! Brut. Fitting!

HECUBUS: 'Tis fitting, Master. In the meantime our werewolf's sister is digesting the information about her brother in a dream within the walls of Collinwood.

MILLIGAN: Isn't she a little behind?

HECUBUS: With all the activity around this town, even psychic information can get clogged within the spiritual pipelines.

[Thunder and lightning noises]

AMY: (screaming) Chris! My brother! Something has happened to my brother!

[door opens, steps]

DAVID: What's wrong?

AMY: It's my brother, Chris! Something has happened to him!

DAVID: All right, all right! Keep your voice down. You don't want the grown-ups coming in to pester us, do you?

AMY: Well, I suppose I don't. What good could grown-ups do, anyway? They don't believe anything we tell them, do they?

DAVID: Exactly! Well… let's just say you can't bet on it.

AMY: That's true. It's not the safest thing to rely on. But I wish I could know for sure Chris was all right.

DAVID: We can't know for sure anything, Amy.

AMY: Oh yes, there is one thing I do know for sure. When there is a full moon my brother goes missing, something terrible happens to him.

DAVID: How do you know that?

AMY: It's been that way since as far back as I can remember.

DAVID: But he always comes through again, doesn't he? Isn't that something that always happens?

AMY: (epiphany) You're right! Now that I think about it… that's something that happens, too.

DAVID: So what do you have to worry about?

AMY: Well, he's unhappy and scared for one thing. In my dream he was crying. He's too big to cry.

DAVID: I'll say! But, well, he gets better, right?

AMY: I don't know. He always changes his mind about so much. He acts like he's trapped. I just… I just can't understand it.

DAVID: All right. I have an idea to get your mind off of it. I have the flashlight and we can go to The West Wing with it. It's already late so no one will catch us and we can find out if it is haunted.

AMY: Okay. I suppose it's better than sitting here and worrying.

HECUBUS: And so we leave these children to their own devices.

MILLIGAN: WHAT? That's without care or even contemplation, Hecubus!

HECUBUS: True, Master. But this IS the 21st Century the two of us are living in now. No one really cares what their children are doing, whether it is online or otherwise…


HECUBUS: Of course, Master! But now, behind the door of that light blue room, we will meet with Maggie Evans, who was once Josette duPres, introducing Barnabas Collins to what is about to occur.

MILLIGAN: Perhaps my old bridge partner will understand the explanation of his mistress in this instance!

MAGGIE: Everyone should be on their way. Willie and Wadsworth have the details. I've already telephoned Professor Stokes and Doctor Hoffman from The Great House.

BARNABAS: Already? Very good.

MAGGIE: It's funny.

BARNABAS: What is?

MAGGIE: Well, not long ago we had that "gathering of the clan" at The Great House for Mrs. Stoddard and Cousin Lily's departure. Now we're having a "gathering of the crew" here about Chris' arrival.

BARNABAS: I'm sure we'll handle this meeting equally as well as we handled that one.

MAGGIE: Of course. And if you don't manage yourself here, Barnabas. I'll be forced to tickle you.

BARNABAS: (Intrigued) Oh? How do you propose that as a threat?

MAGGIE: I've known you through a few lifetimes, my dear. And I happen to know you are very repressed. Those who are so repressed just so happen to become very… ticklish. (steps/shifting noise) Want to risk it?

BARNABAS: (Attempt at calmness) No, I shan't want to do that. I will follow your instructions.

MAGGIE: To the letter?

BARNABAS: To the letter. I am your humble servant… now.

MAGGIE: And for always I trust.

BARNABAS: What proof do you require?

MAGGIE: Continuance.

BARNABAS: You have it.

MAGGIE: (smilingly) I know.

[smooching sounds]

MILLIGAN: I feel like my old Bridge partner just threw a Scissors coup my way!

HECUBUS: Hardly likely, Master. We must venture downstairs to what Willie Loomis and Wadsworth are discussing during their preparations for this meeting!

[Clapping shut of doors, crickets in the distance]

WILLIE: Well, it's late enough.

WADSWORTH: Isn't it?

WILLIE: Why must we have these meetings so late anyway? I finally finished all the morning errands and now it's closing in on midnight around here.

WADSWORTH: Did you expect anything less from Collinwood, Mister Loomis?

WILLIE: I shouldn't have, but I did. That's the trick, isn't it?

WADSWORTH: It is. You learn to go with the most unnatural flow no matter what house one works in. Transferring the milk and eggs to the main house is part of that. How did that go?

WILLIE: Boy! You were right, Wadsworth. Those delivery men are sure terrified of Collinwood, either house.

WADSWORTH: Ah, yes, the delivery men might always be something we must reckon with. We will work with that as things move along. You've made the exchange this morning for Mrs. Johnson? I expect she's been gratified to know that all supplies are in good order.

WILLIE: She sure was. Even shared a smoke with me.

WADSWORTH: That's saying a great deal. Mrs. Johnson is very particular in where she keeps her cigarettes after they went missing some years ago.

WILLIE: Oh? I guess that was before my time.

WADSWORTH: And mine. Was there anything else of interest happening at The Great House?

WILLIE: Yeah… something that's been buggin' me. I talked to Roger Collins and… he said that… you claimed you didn't know me at all.


WILLIE: Yes. After all that time at Hill House with you, and you told him you didn't know me. Now… how am I supposed to feel about that, Wadsworth? How?

WADSWORTH: (self-assured as ever) Those weren't the words that were spoken, Mister Loomis.

WILLIE: What do you mean? You got an answer for everything, don't you? Have you got an answer for covering up how you knew me?

WADSWORTH: I never did cover it up.

WILLIE: All right, Wadsworth. What happened? How did ye say it?

WADSWORTH: Mister Roger Collins referred to you and then he asked me "Did you know the beast?" and I answered, "Not at all," because I didn't.

WILLIE: Well? (steps) What's that supposed to mean?

WADSWORTH: I didn't know you as a beast, Mister Loomis. I knew you as a young man, a very young man. So you see, I told Roger Collins the truth. I didn't know you in your capacity here. I came after the fact. Perhaps you were considered a beast then, but… how would I know?

WILLIE: Oh? Is that right?

WADSWORTH: Of course. I'd merely researched your whereabouts and where you traveled. But our encounters had been long ago, in 1954, if you recall. Whatever you had become along the way was your own business and I had no part in it. I didn't know any beast in you, if there was a beast, I knew the young man I had found and to whom I'd offered a job, you see?

WILLIE: (begins to chuckle) Trust it to you, Wadsworth. You're always on top of everything, aren't you?

WADSWORTH: I do my best, Mister Loomis.

(footsteps outside)

WILLIE: I think our company is arriving.

WADSWORTH: Doctor Hoffman and her admirer, Professor Stokes, I'm sure.

WILLIE: Heh! A couple that ought to have arrived a long time ago.

WADSWORTH: I don't believe they're tardy.

WILLIE: That's not what I mean.

WADSWORTH: (smilingly) I see.

[door opening, door closing]

STOKES: Oh, I felt that it wasn't beyond consideration.

HOFFMAN: Likely not, but it's been a long time since I worried over the coming of an eclipse.

STOKES: Lunar or solar?

HOFFMAN: Either one. And if we're dealing with lycanthropy I'm not so sure a solar one would make much difference to a werewolf.

WILLIE: Would you like me to take your coats?

HOFFMAN: Well that's kind of you, Willie!

STOKES: Yes, Wadsworth's behaviour is likely rubbing off on you.

WILLIE: (chuckles) Oh, it's easy enough to handle amenities when some of the clatter in our worries die down.

STOKES: Agreed! The more we come to accept these things the clearer they become.

WILLIE: You're saying it better than I could. And thank you for the calligraphy set, Professor. It's a new challenge.

STOKES: A good experience, I trust. The glass pen was much preferred by many for holding a considerable amount of ink over others before the fountain pen or, of course, the ball point.

WILLIE: It's a kick in the pants.

STOKES: Hmm, I suppose you could designate it to be such.

HOFFMAN: That's approval, Eliot.

STOKES: No doubt, as Mister Loomis has his manners of phrasing things.

WADSWORTH: I trust all is in good order, Doctor?

HOFFMAN: I suppose you could say that… apart for the reason we're all here.

WADSWORTH: If it is not one dilemma it is another.

HOFFMAN: And the dilemmas are better taken care of when we work on them together.

WADSWORTH: Splendidly said. You know your way.


MAGGIE: Welcome all and have a seat.

HOFFMAN: Maggie Evans, you behave as if you're already living here.

MAGGIE: Oh, I do stay the night on occasion, and I aim to live here fulltime someday, spirits willing.

STOKES: If understanding serves me, Miss Evans, you are one of thee said spirits.

MAGGIE: I suppose that I am. Only so much is granted me in memory, but dreams help, don't they?

STOKES: Inevitably.

BARNABAS: Do sit… or stand, whichever allows the most comfort.

[shuffling, crickets fade away]

HOFFMAN: Amenities notwithstanding, what prompted this gathering?

BARNABAS: What usually does, Doctor? Trouble.

HOFFMAN: Chris Jennings?

MAGGIE: Yes. I've known Chris for years and he's definitely changed, and he keeps changing. He's obviously under the throes of something he cannot control.

[woodwind worries, light tension music]

STOKES: Strange behaviour?

MAGGIE: Very. Always wanting to help his sister, Amy, and promising to stay and then firmly claiming he can't stay. I have argued with Chris, Amy has railed at him, then Carolyn and even Tony tried to coax him. Chris left The Blue Whale with a look of terror on his face after… one good stare at the barmaid, who we all know is now… no more.

HOFFMAN: (with trepidation) Yes… poor dear. So you believe the creature responsible for this is Chris himself?

MAGGIE: I have to believe it was Chris. All the evidence points to him so far as the strange nature of *this* place is concerned.

BARNABAS: (eyebrow raised) What was that about Collinsport "rolling up its sidewalks when the sun went down"?

MAGGIE: (stifled giggles) That was before a certain amourous gentleman-turned-demon showed up.


STOKES: It sounds as though this is an issue of obvious supernatural proportions. Is no one but myself recognizing this?

HOFFMAN: Oh, I am, Eliot.

STOKES: Thank you, my dear. I was just wondering if everyone here understood that.


STOKES: Thank you! I was simply becoming a bit exhausted at all the pretense towards what is OBVIOUS on these grounds.

MAGGIE: (sighing) Ben…

STOKES: Pardon?

MAGGIE: (cough) Professor, lycanthropy IS an issue now. Chris gets this way at the time of the full moon. His own sister is aware of that if nothing else. Chris had been at The Blue Whale prior to the loss of the barmaid, and… there were dog droppings left at the door.

HOFFMAN: Oh, Good Lord! If it was Chris Jennings and he added that? I've lost all respect for him!

STOKES: My dear! I believe the death of the barmaid is the least respectful incident in all of this.

HOFFMAN: (Marge Simpson groan) Mmm, yes. Just letting off some steam, Eliot. The idea of dog droppings is ludicrous. I couldn't hold my peace on that.

[crickets fade through]

WILLIE: I feel worse for the sheriff having to stash it away as evidence.

HOFFMAN: (incredulous) What? Patterson took that too?!

WADSWORTH: Ladies and Gentlemen, may I direct your attention back to the task at hand?

BARNABAS: Please, do, my humble butler!

WADSWORTH: Mr. Jennings has yet to be identified as the individual responsible for these actions. Has anyone managed to give him reason to admit of such a treachery beyond his own will power?

MAGGIE: Yes! I asked him directly if he was a werewolf.

WADSWORTH: (surprised) Did you, Madam?

MAGGIE: Yes. I decided to be bold.

STOKES: And how did Mister Jennings respond?

MAGGIE: To say anything but answering the question. He said it was absurd for me to ask, wondered how I could suggest such a thing, and… Oh! The usual dancing around how to react when it comes to these things. Very irritating.

WADSWORTH: And very telling, Madam… moiselle.

MAGGIE: Yes! It certainly was. Angelique Bouchard did the exact same thing to me in 1897! I was inquiring about her background and she kept on evading the question with another question, "Do you think *I* could be a servant or lady's maid?" (scoff noise) Kept diverting me and would only answer my question with one of her own… too busy playing with that dandy-loo's hair!

WADSWORTH: Your memories do seem to be a little less evasive than they were.

MAGGIE: Oh…? Oh… you're right. It seems to come clearer to me when I'm not trying as hard to remember what happened.

WADSWORTH: It comes by association, does it not, madam?

MAGGIE: Yes… yes… you're right, Wadsworth. Now, back to Chris.

STOKES: Quite so. The purpose of our gathering tonight. You are certain he is afflicted with lycanthropy?

MAGGIE: I have to be.

HOFFMAN: And so the question is what to do about it. It sounds as if he is far from confessing what's so very clear to you, Miss Evans.

MAGGIE: (sighs) We'll find a way for him to own up to it. In the meantime he's been able to lock himself in to the most sequestered room of The Collinsport Inn. I had Pop go over there when my suspicions were aroused and he kept the manager from investigating and likely getting killed as tragically as the barmaid did.

[crickets fade away]

HOFFMAN: Mmm… So what do you want us to do, Maggie?

MAGGIE: What you do best, Doctor Hoffman; Study. Find the probabilities of how we can combat this. I've consulted Barnabas about what I feel must be done to keep Chris from attacking anyone else when he changes.

BARNABAS: Yes, she suggested a secret room we have in the vicinity. It is made of full stone and enough to withstand almost any monster from escape.

WILLIE: I know the room.

BARNABAS: (smiling) I believe you do, Willie. It was our own imminent rendezvous, wasn't it? I think we've done much better since then.

WILLIE: (smiling back) You bet we have.

STOKES: (gratified) Very well! So… we are to ascertain that Chris Jennings is a werewolf. If he is he may take to this offering of being withheld in a sepulcher when the full moon arrives and then? What will we do?

HOFFMAN: (lovingly) E-l-i-o-t… Search for a cure of course! (patting) That IS what you and I do best, isn't it?

STOKES: (softly) Oh… yes. Without a doubt, my dear.

[smooch noise]

HOFFMAN: Well… don't look so abashed, everyone. Doctor Hoffman is allowed to have a moment of romance now and then, isn't she?

BARNABAS: (smiling) No one is denying you that, Julia.

HOFFMAN: (chuckling) Just as well you were the one to say that… Damn vampire.

MAGGIE: (stuttering cough/laugh) Take that as an endearing compliment, Barnabas.

BARNABAS: As no doubt it was intended, Maggie.

HECUBUS: And now our redoubtable Witch of Witches will have to convince her mortal husband in the necessity of her going to Maine!

[door opens, "Take Five" by Bill Justis begins]

SAMANTHA: Hello, honey.

DARRIN: Sam! I just got this great idea for the Zoom detergent commercial. Zoom. A rocket! They should have come up with that on their own… but! They didn't!

SAMANTHA: Oh, that's great, sweetheart! What a fabulous set-up.

DARRIN: It's gonna wow 'em at the office. I just know it.

SAMANTHA: I'm sure it will, Darrin.

DARRIN: You see there is this… wait… you're in here for a reason, aren't you?

SAMANTHA: Yes. I have something to broach with you. That's why I brought you a cocktail.

DARRIN: You made it yourself, right? Without any voodoo?

SAMANTHA: Yes, I did. Completely mortal ingredients all by hand, I promise.

DARRIN: Always what I prefer, darling. (sipping and chair noises) All right. Now what's the situation you would like me to know about?

SAMANTHA: (deep breath) Honey? I need to go to Maine. And I need to go sooner than later.

DARRIN: Maine? Oh, well! That's not too far away. It's not like you needing to go to Tasmania or somewhere like that. Why did you want to explain that to me?

SAMANTHA: Mmm… it's family business.

DARRIN: Family biz—oh! You mean Witch-stuff, don't you, Sam? (sighing noise) Samantha, you know how I feel about that kind of thing! You keep promising there will be no witchcraft but it just keeps coming up, doesn't it?!

SAMANTHA: Yes, it does. But I think you'll approve of the reason.

DARRIN: Oh! Well if you think I'll approve, I very likely might. Go ahead.

SAMANTHA: There are people who are having a very, very bad time with a certain Witch we've shunned over the last century and a half. They approached Mother and I…and I happen to know it would be very bad not to answer the request.

DARRIN: Oh… how bad is bad?

SAMANTHA: Well… I hate to expose you to the wickedness of this particular Witch, but she caused a great many sorrows and deaths on that estate, whether inadvertently or otherwise.

DARRIN: Deaths? Hmm! And here I was given the impression that you were all a peace-loving people!

SAMANTHA: A-n-d one might believe mortals were too, but we both know mortals aren't that way, are they?

DARRIN: Erm… ah… yes, you're right, sweetheart. We're not saints either. After all the conflagration of strange occurrences you and I have had to endure together we might think one set of people were better, but we're all, well, people and therefore we all have that… unfortunate tendency of causing destruction.

SAMANTHA: Thank you, dear. I was sure you'd understand.

DARRIN: (inhale) All right. How long do you have to be away?

SAMANTHA: Well, I'm not even sure when we have to be there. That's why I'm telling you about it now. I can pop in and out and I am very much hoping Mother will be more involved in this than I will.

["Take Five" fades out as "Meditation" by Bill Justis fades in.]

DARRIN: That makes sense. We do have a daughter to look after.

SAMANTHA: And Mother knows that, too. In fact, that's one of the reasons she's interested in this undertaking. It feels like the Witch we're worried about didn't have so good of an upbringing.

DARRIN: Oh? If she caused that much trouble I'd call her a criminal among your classes.

SAMANTHA: You're likely correct in that too.

DARRIN: So, where do you need to go in Maine?

SAMANTHA: It's called Collinsport.

DARRIN: Collinsport?

SAMANTHA: Yes, it's sort of close to Bangor.

DARRIN: Oh… oh! Ah… okay. I see. Hmm… Pretty boring in other respects.

SAMANTHA: (grinning) Exactly. Shouldn't be too much trouble for me. I just have to—

DARRIN: (alighting) Wait a second! Are you helping The Collins Family?

SAMANTHA: Collins Family?

DARRIN: Yes! The fishing fleet people? That rich family with the cannery?

SAMANTHA: Rich people? With a cannery?

DARRIN: Of course! The Collins Estate? Collinwood? Come on, Sam! If that's who you're helping I'd like to know.


DARRIN: (excitedly) It IS Collinwood, isn't it?

SAMANTHA: Yes, it's Collinwood.

DARRIN: (claps) HOT DAMN! JUST what I wanted to hear!

SAMANTHA: Darrin! That's the last thing I expected from you!

DARRIN: (pacing) Don't you see, Sam? This is a great opportunity! That family has BANK!

SAMANTHA: Ah, uh, erm… I suppose they do. But what does that have to do with your enthusiasm?

DARRIN: McMann and Tate can capitalize on that. My goodness, as I recall… McMann and Tate have been fishing for an opportunity with Collins Enterprises for years! And I'm sure Roger Collins will be all for it! Honey?


DARRIN: Count me IN!


DARRIN: I want to go too!


DARRIN: Yes! Larry has been at almost anybody to get an engagement with Collins Enterprises for YEARS! If I can get ahead of the game? I sure will. And frankly, I like ocean-side journeys.

SAMANTHA: Oh! I see. Well, how do you feel about a family who has had supernatural elements that they are finally admitting to?

["Meditation" fades out as "Desafinado" fades in]

DARRIN: (thoughtful) Oh… well… hey… that might be… fun. We could commiserate and THAT might make it easier to sell to each other and work together!

SAMANTHA: Oh! Wow… goodness… I … hmm… this turn of events I…

DARRIN: Didn't anticipate? Well, rest assured, Honey. I am all for it! Let's do it! You just let me know when you're going and I am easily along for the ride. I want to meet The Collins!

SAMANTHA: (laughing) I see, so we're both making out splendidly, aren't we?

DARRIN: Yes we are! I can't wait!

SAMANTHA: (laughter in disbelief) I never expected this reaction from you.

DARRIN: Oh, Samantha. The seafood industry is no laughing matter, regardless of how fishy it all seems.

SAMANTHA: Mmm-hmm! Well, between Collinwood, Mother, and 'Zoom Detergent', we'll find out how it will all swing won't we?

DARRIN: On all of that I'll wait for what you have to offer.

(smooching sounds)

MILLIGAN: And between there and Collinwood, guess who is watching the children, Hecubus?

HECUBUS: Who, Master?


HECUBUS: (gasping)

MILLIGAN: That is right! And justly so considering the endless extensions of spooky gallivanting around everywhere in our Pit!

HECUBUS: And so we meet with Amy and David conjuring up their venture into… The West Wing!

AMY: Well? Did you get a flashlight that worked?

DAVID: Yeah, I did! See? (clicking)

AMY: All right it works. Let's go!

DAVID: Right.

[step noises for a while…]

AMY: How long since anyone's lived in this part of the house?

DAVID: Oh, I don't know. It's been a real long time.

AMY: Who's that? In the portrait?

DAVID: He's Thaddeus Collins. He was alive during the Civil War.

AMY: Oh. What's that ugly pink thing?

DAVID: I have no idea!

AMY: Looks like a lamp, David.

DAVID: And no shade. I think someone kept it up here for a reason.

AMY: I'd guess the reason was because it grossed them out.

DAVID: Probably.

AMY: What's in there?

DAVID: Oh this is a storage room. If you like to explore that's the place to do it. It's got everything in it!

[door opening noises]

DAVID: Be careful you don't trip over anything.

AMY: Oh, David! This is SO exciting!

DAVID: This is one of the rooms that's supposed to be haunted.

AMY: Look on the floor! That telephone! It must be very old. Let's pretend that when we pick up that telephone we'll be able to talk to someone who lived in the past.

DAVID: But I don't know who lived in this room.

AMY: You mean you don't wanna play?

DAVID: Sure I wanna play.

AMY: Good. I'll go first. (lifting of receiver) Hello? My name is Amy Jennings. What's yours? That's a nice name. Where do you live? Somewhere near this room? If David and I came looking for you, could we see you? Could you hold on for just a minute? (pause) David, you were right!

DAVID: Right about what?

AMY: The West Wing IS haunted! I think the man I'm talking to is a ghost! There really is someone on the phone!

DAVID: You're just making it up. What's this ghost's name?

AMY: Quentin Collins. Go ahead and listen on the phone and find out.

DAVID: All right, I will. (shuffle) Hello? Isn't that strange? I think your ghost has lost his-

AMY: What is it?

DAVID: I can hear someone breathing.

[old phone reception clicks]

HECUBUS: And so we allow our two children to wander back with the aged telephone to Amy's room as David seems to come up with a photographic family history book pulled out of… his ASS!

MILLIGAN: It's a cartoon thing, Hecubus. Just deal with it!

HECUBUS: I am, Master. Family History books are all for the… anticipation!

MILLIGAN: (groans)

[book noises on table]

AMY: Do you think we'll find him in there?

DAVID: I don't know. I've never heard father talk about a Quentin Collins. He must have been back in the 1800's. [page flipping noises] This goes all the way back to The Civil War.

AMY: I can't imagine why he wouldn't talk to you, David.

DAVID: Look, Amy! There's his picture when he was a boy!

AMY: Quick, David! Let's see what he looks like when he grew up!

[knocking, opening door, steps]

ROGER: Good GOD! Aren't you children ever going to bed?

DAVID: Sure, Father. I was just wondering…

ROGER: What?

DAVID: Who Quentin Collins was.

ROGER: Quentin Collins? Oh, believe it or not he was a dastardly drinker above and beyond myself!

DAVID: That's saying a lot!

ROGER: It surely is. Amy, have you tucked yourself well in?

[ruffling of blankets]

AMY: Yes, sir!

ROGER: Very well. Anyway, if you want to know more about that oddball Quentin you won't likely find much in any books. He left for France a long time ago, before I was even born, much less either of you. Why do you ask?

DAVID: (shrugging) Family History stuff.

ROGER: Mnn? Isn't it always? You know? Maybe we can make a family breakfast ordeal out of it tomorrow.

AMY: Is that possible?

ROGER: Anything is possible at Collinwood! We not only have all that a heart could desire… we've got a derisive amount more that the heart would NEVER prefer!

AMY: Is that so?

ROGER: Yes; Beyond your wildest imaginings, Miss Jennings. And may that assure you the pleasantest of dreams.

DAVID: Let's go, Father. Goodnight, Amy!

AMY: Good night, David. Goodnight, Mister Collins!

ROGER: Goodnight, John Boy…

AMY: Who?

ROGER: Never mind. Pleasant dreams, Amy.

[door shuts, ringing phone, steps]

AMY: Hello? You're there again. Why didn't you speak to David? He was very disappointed. Oh? Where do you want me to go? Will you be there? Oh, all right, I'll go there. Goodbye, Quentin. (hangs up)

["Daisy Bell" by Tin Hat]

All Due Respect To:

The Kids In The Hall

Clue: The Movie (1980's film)

The Munsters (1960's TV show)

Bewitched (1960's TV show)

The Waltons (1970's TV show)

And of course

Dark Shadows (1960's TV show)

The Pit of Ultimate Dark Shadows is a Daryl Wor production.