How to be a Mary Sue: The Complete Guide

Right. Apparently, every fan girl wants to be in One Piece, and have a Harem that consists of every fan girl powerhouse in One Piece. And Robin. Because apparently Robin has a thing going on with Nami. Anyway, back to the subject. Then, these Mary Sues have either had this ANGSTY past that (from what I've seen) consists of Buster Calls, World Government screwing around, daughter of *insert famous pirate*/ *insert Gol D. Roger here* and more angsty crap. Also they have an incredible bounty that is normally 400,000,000,000,000,000,000… (I have lost space to write the rest…), beautiful body that makes everyone drool over her, is Luffy's nakama and ate pretty much every Akuma no mi in the world. So, to make it simple, canon got raped and we're all vomiting in our cosplay straw hats.

The other kind of Mary Sue is the self-insert kind, where the author somehow travels to the One Piece world (how we'll never know) and everything from above happens. And she doesn't care that she doesn't go back home, as long as she has her harem.

So, I have decided to give you all a walkthrough on how to be a self-insert Mary Sue without raping canon. Mostly. And maybe destroying the fabric of time and space forever, but who cares about that.

If you want to be a Mary Sue, follow these instructions CAREFULLY. Cloud is me. Or some random OC. Mostly it's me.




Part I: Entering One Piece World…

Okay, the first step is to see if you are beautiful. Now, Cloud, are you so skinny that you're almost anorexic, but at the same time not?


*Sigh*… are you blonde?


Can you fight?

Never thrown a punch in my life.

*Face palm*. This is going badly so far. Cloud, go to the gym, get extremely skinny, get your hair dyed blonde permanently, and go to the Dojo.

What's a dojo?

It's a Japanese place where you learn to fight, baka.


And get Japanese lessons too, everyone speaks Japanese nowadays.

Right. I'll be off, then.

See, there. Now, when she returns, we start the story. So, before we begin, read this short story that a rabid fan girl wrote:

Asce and Lufi wer sitin in da tree looking so kawaaiiii n dey were kissing cuz dey were gay of course. Dey wer makin out wif da same gurl wu waz moar betiful dan Hancock, Robin and Nami (Dos Byoatches!)

OI! Robin's my favourite character, and Nami's awesome! You can't just bad-mouth them like that, you only bad mouth Spandam, Akainu or Blackbeard, unless you write Ace/Blackbeard yaoi! Ahem, back to subject…

Dey started doing –bleep- in the tree when they heard 2 voices coming from below.

It was Sanji and Zoro! Usopp isn't there because no one likes him. And who the hell are Brook and Franky? O.o U gaiz, they don't exist. Only the monster trio and ace-kun exists!1!

Then they all had an epic five-some.

The end.

See? Interesting story. Oh, Cloud's back!

Chotto matte, baka!

Good. She did what I told her to do.

I feel different.

Brilliant! Now, you're basically what everyone starts out as! Now, you have automatically become the smartest girl in school, and every boy wants to get into your pants.

I'm not legal yet, baka.

Who cares! Now, let us see of how we must start off before we go into the One Piece world…

Surname D. Cloud casually flipped her luscious blonde hair behind her back as she walked sexily towards the front gate of school. She was smart, talented, beautiful, strong, pride, awesome, sexy, beautiful, amazing, and sexy. She was wearing a –insert long description of clothes that a slut would wear- that made all the boys drool whenever they looked at her. Her eyes were a mysterious chocolate/cold blue/black/hazel/red/it changes every minute. They held so much pain and angst inside, for some unknown reason. Even though her life was oh so perfect, the ungrateful bitch… I mean, poor girl's life wasn't perfect.

Cloud had one dream in life: To fall through some plot device and into the world of One Piece and spend time with her bishounen and prove that Nami is a bitch.

Oi! I'll have you know that I hate yaoi, and I like Nami!

Ah, but that is another important thing.


Every author-insert-oc stories includes at least one yaoi pairing (This is usually ZoSan), and Nami appears to be a PMSing bitch.

That was lesson 2: Cliches. Lesson 1 was Beautiful, blonde, smart, strong, and speaking Japanese.

What's lesson number 3?


Little did she know that was about to happen.

There she was, after school, walking home. Suddenly, it started pouring rain, even though it was a 40 degree day-

Ahem, note I am an Australian and we normally use Celsius (I apologize if that's the wrong spelling), and I'm not comfortable with the American way. Mostly I can't be stuffed looking up…

-and the entire world had no clouds, for some unexplained reason.

"Eh? N-nani? There wasn't meant to be rain today!" Cloud exclaimed as she ran for cover. Her blonde hair was now dripping wet, making it even more sexy than it was before, even though that wasn't possible.

"Matsuda wa kira ryuzaki Yagami-san wo raito desu," Cloud said to herself sexily. That was something along the lines of, Weather forecast was wrong again.

Actually it's Look at this! Death Note reference! ZOMG.

"Notto disu shitto agen."

Not this shit again.

Suddenly, a bright glow appeared in front of Cloud!1! Cloud gasped. "What on earth is that?"

Cloud reached out and touched it. It felt odd, like jelly.

Then, the light engulfed the Mary Sue!


Cloud closed her eyes. She felt like she was falling. When the feeling stopped, she opened her eyes.


She was on a pirate ship.


There was a jolly roger flag. Whitebeard's flag, that was it, fluttered in the wind.


"What the?"

Cloud turned around behind her. Someone knew she was there!

Duh. You were making heaps of noise, idiot. Whitebeard's crew would be staring weirdly at you, then Whitebeard would say that you were disrupting his harem time then throw you overboard. Seriously, though. Whitebeard has a harem. Just look at volume 25. Pimpin' Yonkou.

She gasped softly and sexily. It was…

Portgaz D. Ace!

"Y-you're Ace!" Cloud pointed out. Ace tilted his head slightly, hands on his hips with a confused expression on his face. "Who the crap are you?" Ace asked. He scratched the back of his head. "Are you new around here or what?"

"I… ah… I thought this was my ship, so I… accidently came on," Cloud lied.

What an idiot. Whitebeard's ship is the biggest ship in One Piece or something like that. Like you have a ship that size.

That's you.

Still an idiot.

"You mistook the Moby Dick for your ship?" Ace's confused expression left his face, only to be replaced with a wide grin. "You must have a big ship! What 's your crew's name?"

"I… I forgot," Cloud said, her eyes cast down. "I don't remember anything…"

Cloud's inner self smirked. She was always good at acting.

"Oh! You've lost your memory! Haha, that's a stupid thing to do!" Ace laughed. He held Cloud's hand. "Come on, you gotta go meet Pops!"

Ace led Cloud through many corridors and halls, Cloud wondered if it was a castle that could float instead of a ship. It was bigger than she imagined. "That's First Division's room," Ace gestured to a large door on their right. "Second Division is just there. That's my Division, I'm the Division leader."

"Really? That's amazing!" Cloud's eyes were replaced with stars of admiration, even though she already knew that fact. Suddenly, loud footsteps filled the room. "Who's that?"

Ace grinned. "Oh hey, Teach!" Cloud narrowed her eyes, gritted her teeth, and whisked around. The second most hated character in One Piece, right after Akainu.

For once I agree.

"Zehahaha! Ace, what do you have there?" Blackbeard asked, giving Ace a disgusting smile.

"This is… Hang on, what's your name again?" Ace turned to Cloud.

"Surname D. Cloud," She answered. Cloud's glaring eyes hadn't left Blackbeard, she was busy imagining him drowning in his own cereal. Blackbeard sweat dropped.

"Is Thatch back yet?"

"Nah," Blackbeard replied, lifting up the large pants that were slowly falling down –ew- his legs. "One of his division arrived earlier, though. He said Thatch found an Akuma no mi!"

Ace's eyes widen with shock, and the biggest grin Cloud had seen him make appeared on his face. "Thatch found one? Does he know which one?" Blackbeard shook his large head. "Eh? They don't know? Right, Teach, go get Thatch's guy and get him look through that Akuma no mi guide. Who knows, he might of gotten a really powerful one!"

Blackbeard saluted and scurried off to fourth division's room.

"Gee, lucky Thatch," Ace said to himself. "Although, not lucky if it turns out to be useless…"

Ace blinked and turned to Cloud. "Oh! Yeah, I gotta introduce you to Pops, don't I! Well, let's go… huh? What are ya staring at, Cloud?"

Cloud's glaring eyes glared at the fat guy that everyone loves to glare at. Or rather, where he used t be.

"What's wrong?"

"I don't trust him," Cloud spat. Ace frowned. "Why?"

"He isn't trust worthy."

"That's a bit mean."

"Sorry, Ace-kun."

Ace sighed. "It's okay. By the way… what does Ace-kun mean?"

Wow, even Canon characters don't get these OCs, or what they're saying.

End Chapter One. I have chapter 2-4 completed, this will only be a six chapter story.

I have questions due tomorrow. Haven't done them.

Anyway, wrap up of this chapter- Become strong, learn how to use a sword, learn Japanese, fall through a plot hole, go on Whitebeard's ship before Blackbeard kills Thatch. This would never work in any other situation…

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Just follow the sparkles~! **********

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