The Great Campaign
I do not own any of the BBC Sherlock Characters. This is purely for amusement and I will not profit from this. Please do not sue my ass.
Mycroft sighed, rolling his eyes. "Alright. You find yourselves in a dark forest. The path to the treasure caves is to your north. Town is to the west. There's a river, or something. I don't know. Why are we doing this again?"
Sherlock hissed at his brother. "God damn it, Mycroft! I'm trying to stay in character! Stop making asides and control your damned NPCs already!"
He turned back to the mat in front of them. "Jeremy Gildleaf looks expectantly at the others, gesturing towards the caves."
Lestrade smirked. "Alicia rolls her eyes. She wants to go to town and find someone to help."
"Jeremy pickpockets Alicia."
Mycroft groaned. "Again? Fine, roll a stealth check."
"I rolled a 4," cried Lestrade in dismay.
"Jeremy not only pockets half of the paladin's gold, but also her claymore. Wow, Greg, you must be the least observant paladin ever."
"Shut up, Mycroft."
Jim Moriarty coughed. "If you don't mind, might we get on with it? Maxwell Silverhammer also wants to go back to town. He needs to buy some new offensive spells."
John Watson nodded. "And my cleric needs to go pray at the temple."
Sherlock rolled his eyes. "Fine. I suppose I can sell Alicia's sword when we get there."
"Alicia bitchslaps Jeremy," countered Lestrade.
"Nat 20! Woo!"
"Roll to confirm."
Mycroft grinned. "Alicia slips and hits Jeremy to the throat, causing him to choke to death."
Sherlock rolled his eyes. "Good. This was getting dull anyway."
Moriarty smiled. "I cast resurrection on Jeremy," he and John chorused. They glared at each other.
Mycroft shook his head. "Highest roll gets it."
"18," muttered John.
"27! Yes!" cried Moriarty! "I have a zombie rogue now!"
Sherlock rolled his eyes. "Whatever."
"Duncan runs as fast as his Halfling legs can carry him to his temple to find a way to undo Maxwell's necromancy," piped John.
"Good luck with that," mused Moriarty.
"You arrive in town. The mayor steps forward to greet you. . ."
"Evan shoots the bastard in the throat," crowed Sebastian Moran.
"What?" cried Lestrade.
Moran laughed. "You should have used detect evil while you had the chance, paladin."
"But you. . . I. . . I cut him down."
"With what? The Zombie still has your sword."
"Uh. . . Uh. . ."
Moriarty beamed. "I roll a seduce check on Alicia."
Mycroft groaned. "Fine."
"Alicia and Maxwell make out on top of the mayor's corpse."
"Jeremy watches. He wants to eat the mayor's brains and wants you two to hurry it up."
"Evan uses his animal companion to sniff out snacks so he can eat while watching."
"The villagers also gather to watch," said Mycroft with a smirk.
Moriarty grinned. "Better make a grapple check, Alicia. That full plate can't stay on forever."
"Never. Playing. With you lot. Again," muttered Lestrade.
"Yes you will!" crowed Moriarty. "Or I'll skin you alive, my dear DI."