Disclaimer: I do not own twilight. Also, this is a big ol' mess. No beta. All mistakes are mine.

AN: Sorry it's been a while since I updated! It won't take as long for the next one—it's already written down. I just need to type it up.

Here goes the bachelor party hijinx…

KITTYV… I hope this cheers you up. Me knows you've had to wait a while for your Fancy… love ya XO

I was restless without Bella. I hated sleeping without her, and I found all the traditional bullshit with the wedding that everyone was forcing on us to be annoying.

I'd gotten kicked out of the house and made to stay in the trailer with my dad. I was not happy about it at all.

"I'm not sleeping in here tonight. I don't give a shit. I'm sneaking in to be with her when we get home."

My dad snorted. "I don't blame you one bit. If given the choice, I'd do the same thing."

I raised an eyebrow. "You know what I mean," he said, waving me off.

Trying to get dressed in there was a chore and I was unhappy about the whole bachelor party as it was. I had no idea what Renee and the other hillbillies had planned for us and couldn't say I was excited at all.

"We better get a move on. We're supposed to be there already," he said. "Your brother and the others are already there."

A few of my friends had agreed to make the trek down, including Ben and Liam, who we'd been spending a lot of time with.

Bella had become really close to Charlotte and I was glad she finally had some friends in Port Angeles to hang out with. She still had Rose, but between school and her social engagements, Rose wasn't around much. She had been a big help with the wedding preparations, though, and Bella was grateful to have her as a cushion between her and my mother.

We had a total of one hundred and fifty guests arriving the next morning and honestly, I was surprised. I think my parent's friends were making the drive more out of morbid curiosity than anything else. It was unheard of in their circle to hold a wedding anywhere other than the Country Club or one of the fancy hotels. I personally didn't care. Bella Loved La Push, and her family and friends and traditions were important to her. I just wanted her to have the wedding of her dreams.

As long as we walked down the aisle at the end of the day, legally bound to each other with my ring on her finger and my last night attached to hers, I was all good. All the rest was frosting as far as I was concerned.

Before walking out the door, I reached into my pocket, pulled out my phone and dialed Bella. I had to at least hear her voice.

"Fancy, don't you try and get outta this party. Everyone's looking forward to it!"

I chuckled. "I'm going, okay? I just wanted to tell you I love you before I go."

"Ahhh," she cooed. "My sweet man. I love you more, sugar. Now, run on and have fun and y'all better be good."

I smiled. "You know I will. You have fun, too."

She giggled. "Boy, we already are! Yer mama is a half glass to schnockered. Funniest thing I ever seen. Already pissed in my pants laughin' at her."

I groaned. My poor mom was in for a long night with those girls. "Bella… don't mess with my mom," I laughed.

She clucked her tongue through the phone. "Don't be silly. "I'll take care of mama Cullen. It's Rosalie's fault, anyway. She's fixin' up drinks 'round here."

"Well… I guess I'll see you tomorrow." I gulped and then took a deep breath.

"Yes, you will. Yer gonna be my husband, and I can't wait. Bye-bye, baby!"

The line went dead and I shoved the phone in my pocket. I looked up to find my dad staring and scowled.

"She's fine, son. Don't feel guilty. This is a rite of passage, and she just wants you to have fun."

I smiled and nodded. "You're right. It's one night—I guess I can deal with it."

We drove to the Bottoms Up Tavern and I cringed. I should've known it would be a tittie bar, I mean, what else.

"Well, by the looks of it, I think we're in for an exciting night," my dad said, grinning.


The parking lot was full and when I scoped it out, it was full of people I knew. Inside, it was everything you'd expect from a seedy topless bar in a small town. Drunks and skanky girls, smoke hovering over the room and dim lights… everything to be expected from a shitty dump in the middle of hell. It was God awful and I just wanted to leave.

"Edward!" my brother bellowed from across the room. "About time, man! Let's get this show on the road."

He approached and gave me a one-armed hug, smacking me on the back. "This place is fucking awesome! These bitches do tricks!"

I cringed. I'd been to several gentleman's clubs over the years with my friends with my brother's ID, and they'd all been fun, but I could tell they were nothing compared to this place.

"Come on, we have front row."

That only made me more nervous.

The dancers mostly looked like upchucked rejects from a bad Motley Crue video from the eighties, while the others resembled fucking Garbage Pail Kids. And not the cool ones.

I was afraid to touch anything and was damn close to gnawing my lip off. "I can't believe my future mother-in-law works here," I grumbled as I sad, brushing the seat off before I did so.

Emmett and my dad sandwiched me in and the stupid smiles on their faces pissed me off. "This is friggin awful. I have no idea why you're so happy right now. I could be fucking my gorgeous wife-to-be right now, and instead I'm probably contracting Hepatitis from this fucking plastic chair!"

My dad's eyes were glued to a short red-head with thunder thighs and dinky tits. Her smile was all for him, too, so I figured, more power to him. He was fucking weird. I couldn't stand looking at her at all, so I moved my gaze across the stage where another thick chick was flopping around like a Ziploc bag full of mashed potatoes.

"Jesus fucking Christ. I'm outta here."

Emmett grabbed my knee and squeezed. "Don't trip. These are just the warm-up girls. The main attraction starts pretty soon. You just need a drink."

He stood and snapped his fingers at the waitress across the room and I groaned. He was such an ass.

A spunky young girl with a sleek black hairdo bounced over, arching her back as she rested her tray on her hip.

"What'll y'all have? You the groom, handsome?"

I nodded and diverted my eyes. Her tits were actually stare-worthy, but I felt guilty so I looked away.

"Dayum. Bells did hook a looker! I thought Nay-Nay was exaggerating, but you sure are fine!"

She let her eyes wander my body, and then met my eyes again. "I got just the thing for you, shy one. I'll be right back."

My brother caught her arm. "Wait up, honey. We didn't order and we didn't' get your name."

She giggled. "Y'all are getting the same thing, and you can call me Gyna."

I snorted. Emmett choked. "You mean, Gina?"

She shook her head. "No, Gyna. It sounds more exotic."

Sounded like pussy to me, but I wasn't going to argue.

My brother couldn't stop laughing and eventually the three of us were bowled over in tears, laughing.

Ben and Liam came over to sit with us, along with James. He'd been a good friend of mine since we were kids, friend of the family and all that shit.

"So, congrats," he said. "Never thought I'd see the day you settled down."

"You haven't seen his fiancé," Emmett said. I beamed with pride. "She's pretty fucking fantastic."

James laughed. "I hear she's… unique. Judging from where she's from, I'd bet that's the truth."

My eyes narrowed. "What's that supposed to mean?"

He shrugged. "The … ladies," he said, using quotation marks with his fingers, "seem pretty well-fed and forward if you ask me."

I let out a dark laugh. "I don't know what you think you know about my Bella, but I guarantee you'll eat your heart out when you see her tomorrow, fucker. But, you're right—she's unique all right. There's nothing more beautiful than her."

He held his hands up defensively. "I'm sure she is, and lucky for you, right? It'd be a shame getting an ugly girl knocked up and saddled to."

"I'm warning you," I threatened. "I don't know where you're getting your bullshit information from, but we were engaged before she got pregnant—not that it matters. I was ready to marry her ten minutes after we met!"

He shook his head. "Yeah, well, I heard you were dating Kate and cheated on her when you got stranded out here and the chick showed up pregnant and you got stuck."

I laughed. "I was trying to fuck Kate, ended up in La Push and found Bella. After that, I didn't even want to know Kate, much less date her."

He hummed. "Well, I guess I was misinformed. I'm especially happy for you, finding true love. That's… well, unique."

I gave him a tight smile. The conversation just reminded me of how different I'd become and unfortunately, of what a prick I'd been before. Judgmental, selfish, arrogant."

The little waitress returned and placed a tray of shot glasses and beers on the table. "These are the special shots for you. We call them "Fancy Britches."

I smirked. "Did Bella put you up to this?"

She shook her head. "Nope. These were created by Nay-Nay. They're from a special batch of whiskey we save for special visitors like you."

I wasn't convinced. "So, what's in it?"

I had reason to be cagey about drinks in La Push. "You're just going to have to try them," Emmett said. "Drink up."

I picked one up and held it up to my nose. Whatever it was, it smelled sweet and harmless enough, so I gave a shrug, nodded to my dad and Em, and held up my glass up.

"To the lucky bastard! All the best to my brother and his gorgeous bride," Emmett shouted. "Cheers!"

We threw them back and I choked as it burned down my throat. It was like sweet hot cinnamon fire. "Holy shit!" I croaked. "That shit's strong!"

It was good, though. I had to admit. "Keep those coming, sweetheart," Emmett said.

"You bet I will." She winked and walked away, swinging her tiny ass as she did.

The lights started to dim, so we turned our attention to the stage. To my relief, the trolls had disappeared and the stage was empty.

"If I have to be here, there better be something to look at—not that any of them compare to what I have at home."

"You ain't lyin' my man," Ben said. "Your wife puts them all to shame. Not just here either."

I took a gulp of beer and then pointed my bottle at him, raising an eyebrow. "You just earned ten points, brother. Truer words have never been spoken."

A loud noise behind us caught my attention. I turned around and came face to face with Jake.

He looked pissed.

"I gotta bone to throw at you, Richie Rich."

"You mean a bone to pick?" Emmett said, mouthing off.

"Pick it, throw it, break it. Don't matter. You been talking to my woman, and you got her to leave me. You owe me."

I barked out a laugh. "Go fuck yourself, dirty mutt! I should castrate you for treating Alice and those girls like you do. Don't get me started on the other chicks!"

"I don't know what jacking me off gots to do with this, but I ain't your business."

"Jacking you… what?"

He waved his hand around in the air. "Casterbation. Don't know what you touchin' my peter's gonna do… but don't matter. You owe me and I'm comin' to collect."

I could only shake my head. He was a fucking idiot. "Why are you here? You weren't invited."

He laughed; those big bright teeth of his glowing in the dark room. "This here's my town, and my girl is working tonight. I'm here to make a deal with you and collect what's comin' to me, and to make sure none of y'all money bags bitches get any ideas."

"You better not start any shit, man. It's my wedding day tomorrow and you or nobody else is gonna ruin it."

He grinned wider. "That's why I'm here. I was gonna stop off to see the bride first, but I wanted to make sure you know how this is going down first. I get to get my chance to dip my willy in her pot before you go and own her up."

My fist connected with his jaw before he even finished talking. "You go near my Bella and I'll end you, motherfucker!"

He rubbed his jaw and grinned and it just pissed me off even more. My hand burned like hell and I was pretty sure it was broken from hitting his unnaturally strong jaw.

"Scared of a little competition, Richie Rich? You know Bella was always supposed to be mine anyway. I'd almost had her broken down, too—until you came along waving all those dollas around. Can't blame me for wanting a piece of that!"

I shook my hand and took a step forward. "What part of her carrying my children and marrying me do you not understand?"

He snorted and elbowed the asshole standing next to him. "Forgot about them kids she's got cookin… girls, too. Guess I'll just wait and grab a piece of those."

I fucking lost it. "I'll kill you!"

Talking about my Bella flipped one kind of switch in my brain, but my babies… it was a whole new level of crazy rage for me.

I attached and everything went black.

Once I came to, Jake was long gone and my brother was pouring more moonshine down my throat. "Dude, I thought you were going to kill him! I had to knock you out!"

I shook my head. "What the hell? You did this?" I felt behind my head and the bump that was throbbing. Killing him is nothing."

He laughed. "You say that now, but you'd be sorry if you were behind bars out here in the sticks."

I groaned as I tried to sit up, and my head spun. "At least he's gone. Let's do this so I can get out of here."

He handed me another shot glass and smiled. "That's what I'm talking about."

A blonde with a good-sized ass and decent tits took the stage in a yellow g-string and the lights went black.

"Oh yeah, that's what I'm talking about," Emmett said, nodding. "Finally… some real action. All that fighting worked up an appetite for some pussay…"

I rolled my eyes. "Did I kick his ass at least?"

My dad patted my shoulder. "He was carried out, so I'd say you did some damage, son. Bella will be proud."

I smiled and threw the shot back. I was feeling a little groggy after fighting and getting hit by my brother, but that whisky was pretty fucking good. I figured it wasn't that bad of an idea to just stay drunk.

The girl on stage, Lexus, was shaking her shit, and I just sat back and watched with a big smile on my face. I wasn't interested in touching, but looking was okay. I was drunk and having fun with my friends. I was about to marry the girl of my dreams, and happily ever after was just around the corner. As cheesy as it sounded, and as un-manly it was to say, I was getting my prayers answered and I decided it was okay to celebrate.

My brother was enthralled with the girl on the stage. When two others came over to offer lap dances, he took them up on it, and to my surprise, so did Ben.

I drank, watched the girls, laughed at my friends and family, and against my will, I had a really good time. I was, however, very drunk and ready for it all to be over.

And then Nay-Nay hit the stage.

I choked on my beer and my eyes went wide.

"Ladies and gentlemen… I have something real special for my son-in-law!"

What was she saying? No fucking idea. All my brain could process was boobs, boobs, boobs. I was conflicted, and in a major way. I mean, the woman was my mother-in-law to be… she was the mother of my baby mama. Old enough to be my mom, or whatever. Fact was, she was Bella's mama and I was gawking at her tits. And I couldn't stop.

"Good God, I've died and gone to heaven."

My dad. His eyes were like flying saucers, shiny and wide and full of ideas he had no business having. "Dad… that's Bella's mother!"

"Oh, I know son. I know. Damn… that's some good stock in that family. Good luck with your daughters."

He chuckled and I wanted to strangle him. "Dad… Jesus!"

Then, two big burly guys pushed a giant cake out onto the stage. I looked over at Nay-Nay and she was curling her finger, calling me up. "Come on, Sugar. Come to mama."

I shook my head fiercely. Fuck and No. Fuck no. No.

"Ah, girls… my baby has a real stand up guy… he's afraid to come up here, so we'll need your assistance."

A gaggle of girls came from all ends of the bar and started dragging me up on the stage. I was dizzy, drunk off my ass, and really I had no way of fighting them off. Before I knew it, I was sitting next to the big pink and yellow cake with Nay-Nay's tits in my face.

"We have a special guest for him tonight! Let's give a big round of applause for Big Betty!"

All of a sudden, the cake exploded and the biggest, blondest stripper I'd ever seen jumped out and attacked me. My chair flew backward, and for the second time that night, shit went black.

Oh snap! Big Betty knocked him out w/ her knockers!

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