AN: I DO NOT OWN TWILIGHT. KITTY OWNS FANCY.

ON WITH THE SHOW…


I shook Bella once gently, but she just wouldn't budge. I figured the ruckus I'd made climbing through the window would've done the deal, but she was dead to the world.

"Bella, baby... Daddy's home."

She sighed softly, and rolled over to face me. "Fancy? What're you doin'? You ain't supposed to be here!"

She was so soft and warm, all womanly and smooth. "Mmm, girrrl. You smell good. You feel good too," I said, slurring and rubbing my face in her hair.

"Fancy, yer about a pain in the ass. You come in here drunk as a skunk and wanna rub up on me like a horny dog! You better knock it off."

I rubbed my hands over her belly where my baby lived. "My baby baby. Come on, baby... let's make some more babies."

A sharp smack to my head jolted me almost off the bed. "Ouch! Don't hurt me, my Bella. I love you."

She rubbed her thumbs over my cheeks and when I opened my eyes, I could see that she wasn't mad.

"Just get some sleep, you crazy man. I'm tuckered and we got a wedding tomorrow. You better be ready for that, cuz I ain't standing for you not being there to meet me at that alter."

Married. We were getting married.

"I got lost. In my car. 'Member? You were dancin' and soo hot in your little top with the hearts. You didn't like me, my Bella. You told me you didn't."

She giggled. "I did no such thing. You were so pretty standing there and I was a little bit mad that I was all by myself on Valentines. I liked you, sure enough."

"I'm glad I got lost, Bella."

"Me, too. Now, go to sleep. I need my beauty rest. I'm gonna be a bride tomorrow!"

* QMC *

"Get up, Bro. We let you sleep in as long as we could. Bella made us."

I groaned. The room was too bright and he was definitely too loud. "Go away."

I heard him chuckle before the bed started shaking. "Come on, Fancy pants," he said, snorting. "God, I love that she calls you that. It's hilarious."

I pulled the pillow out from underneath my head and chucked it at him. "Come on, seriously. You're getting married in an hour. You need to get a shower. You smell like crap."

Lifting my arm, I gave my pit a sniff and cringed. "What the hell happened last night? Why am I here?"

He sat on the edge of the bed and chuckled. "What didn't happen last night, man. That shit was wild. This town... wow. It was pretty wild."

I opened one eye and looked at him. "What'd I do? If I did anything stupid, Bella will kill me."

He grabbed the back of his neck and shook his head. "Um... where do I start? Bella's mom... well, she's pretty crazy. And hot. Did I mention hot?"

I groaned, pressing my face into the pillow. "Please tell me I didn't make out with my future mother-in-law."

Seeing that I had no recollection of the night... it wouldn't have surprised me. It sickened me, but surprised…in La Push anything was possible.

Like me getting married there. Impossible, and yet, there I was.

"Uh, no. But Dad did."

I shot up in bed and turned over. "Are you fucking kidding me? Seriously, what the hell are you talking about?"

He chortled and stood. "He got like... ten lap dances from her, dude. He was licking whipped cream off her tits!"

I smiled, but quickly wiped that thing off my face. I mean, I was sort of proud of the old man-Nay-Nay was hot-but dude... she was going to be the grandmother of my children... and his grandchildren... and it was... well, Jerry Springer wouldn't even invite us on his show with that kind of crap.

"Tell me one thing-did I do anything I'll regret, or get killed for?"

He smiled. "Nope. You were actually out of it most of the time. You blacked out, and then when you woke up you were ready to kill all those guys with the mullets and knee socks. By the way, what's up with that? They dress fucking weird!"

I chuckled. "Jake... I remember that asshole... did he come back?"

He nodded slowly. "Yeah. You made up with him. You two were buddies by the end of the night. He apologized, admitted he was jealous and stuff, but said he was glad someone good was taking care of Bella. I think he meant it, dude."

I scoffed. "Jerk off."

He shrugged and walked toward the door. "Whatever, man. He's crazy. What can you do? It was like Bella's whole fan club showed up last night... like a fucking funeral. They're all bummed out she's getting married and off the market."

I smiled. "I'm glad I got her out of here. This place is just..."

"I know. I know. But, hey. Dad got some action last night, so it wasn't for nothing. You should have seen the old bastard. Happiest I've seen him in my life."

I groaned again. "Did it have to be with Nay-Nay, though? Jesus Christ."

"Don't trip. Just get ready. The girls have Bella in the back bedroom until you leave. Rose dragged her out of here by her hair this morning. She was ticked."

Stupid, I thought. We were practically married anyway. So a preacher had to say a couple words, big deal. Did they think I'd get her pregnant again? It was dumb. I was glad I fell asleep with her.

He left and I tried to wake up a little. I was still pretty groggy and tired, but knowing that I'd be a married man later in the day gave me a burst of energy inside.

I went into the other room and the looks the women gave me could've knocked me dead. I just smiled, made my way into the kitchen to get some coffee and then went out to the trailer without a word. I was glad I got my way, and there wasn't anything they could've done to change it.

"Dad!" I shouted, nudging him with my boot. "Get up, old fart! It's my wedding day."

He groaned and rolled over. It smelled like a rotten brewery, sour and sweet and day fucking old. I lifted the blanket off of him and cringed when I found him butt naked.

"Jesus, Dad! Could've warned me!"

That was something I'd never be able to erase from my head.

"Seriously, old man. Get going. We haven't got time for you to sober up. Bella will have my balls if I'm one second late."

He reached down and scratched himself and I felt the bile rise into my throat. Fucking gross.

I walked out of the room to give us both a little space. I decided a shower was a good place to start. I felt sticky and smelly after a night filled with... I couldn't even remember. I stripped down and cursed the stinking tiny bathroom about a million times. I figured that the confined spaces Bella grew up in had to contribute to her feisty personality. Being cooped up all the time had to give you a certain disposition. I only had to deal with it a little bit and I was ready to go out of my mind, or shoot someone.

Once the shitty showerhead started spurting out lukewarm water, I soaped up quickly before it ran out and rained down ice cold water on my ass. It wasn't the greatest trailer, but it did the job.

I got out and wiped down the steamy little mirror so I could shave and wrapped the towel around my waist. Once my reflection came into view, I couldn't help but smile. I was a good-looking sonofabitch, and I was about to marry the hottest girl I'd ever laid eyes on. It was pretty poetic, in a fucked up fairy tale kind of way, but that was my life.

I went back into the small room and grabbed my hygiene shit out of my suitcase and went back to work on getting shaved and cleaned up. I got it nice and close, just like Bella liked it, brushed my hair, and threw on some cologne. Again, the kind Bella liked.

I knew she was going to be a knock out so I wanted to give her something to look at, too. Honestly, I knew for a fact that she was going to blow me away. I wasn't quite sure how I was going to keep my hands off her.

I finished getting read, aside of putting on my tux, and found my dad sitting at the small table up front, drinking coffee and looking every bit as fucked up as he was the night before.

Sitting down in front of him, I poured myself a cup from the carafe on the table and smirked. "How you feeling this morning, Dad?"

He looked up at me and groaned. "I haven't been that inebriated since my freshman year of college. I don't know what they put in the drinks last night, but I'm sure I was ruffied."

I snorted. "You drank moonshine, Dad. Same thing happened to me the first time I drank it... come to think about it, same shit last night. I can't believe I blacked out."

He nodded, chuckling softly. "You were awfully worked up after that Jake fellow got you so upset. I was very proud the way you stuck up for her. In fact, I'm incredibly proud of the way you care for you. The two of you will be very happy, Edward."

I smiled, rubbing my finger around the rim of the coffee cup. "I have no doubt. She's my soul-mate-as cheesy as that sounds, it's so true. No one has ever gotten me the way she does. Something brought me to this God-forsaken place, and I thank my lucky stars every day."

He looked up at me then, and the longing look in his eyes caught me off guard. "You are lucky. That doesn't happen for everyone."

I looked away, uncomfortable. "Thanks."

"So... is it going to be weird being around Nay-Nay today? You two were pretty chummy I hear."

He coughed. "Well, I was pretty drunk, Edward. I'm embarrassed to say that I wasn't behaving like a father should at his son's bachelor party."

I shrugged. Sure, I was pretty disgusted that my dad and my mother-in-law were doing dirty things, but I also knew my parents weren't happy. Shit... it'd probably been years since my dad had gotten any. My mom wasn't the warmest woman on the planet, and they were never affectionate in the way people in love were. If he got a piece, good for him. It was just my luck that it was my freaking mother-in-law and not one of the hundreds of slutty chicks in the place.

"It's cool, Dad. I just don't want any weirdness today. This is all about Bella and I don't want her mother's antics stealing her thunder. You know what I mean?"

He nodded, and I could tell he felt bad. I didn't want that. "Look, Dad. If it makes you feel better, I had to do Jedi mind tricks to control my boner the first time I saw Nay-Nay. I'm not stupid, I know she's hot. It's just that you guys are going to be grandparents any day and you need to just let that shit go."

He smiled. "Don't worry, son. This day will go smoothly. Nothing will stand in your way."

I took a big gulp of coffee and set the mug down. "Now, go get in the shower because you smell like wet ass."

I spent the next hour watching golf on the shitty television and listening to my dad puke on and off. I felt bad for the guy, but not bad enough to do anything about it.

Finally, Dad was feeling better and it was time to get down to the beach where we were getting married. I'd only been down there once, and I had to admit it wasn't all that impressive. It was an important place to Bella, though, so again... whatever she wanted.

"So, are you ready for this, Son? No turning back now."

I adjusted my tie and turned to my father. "I have no hesitation whatsoever. She's my soul mate. I already told you. The love of my life. This is the happiest day of my life."

He smiled widely. "Just never thought I'd see the day when my selfish, self-centered son would end up married and about to become a father. I know I keep saying it, but I am proud of you, Edward."

I swallowed and looked down. "Dad, if you say it one more time, I'll have to confiscate your balls. Now, are you coming?"

It only took us about twenty minutes to get to the beach. There was a small nook where we were holding the wedding, and it was easy enough to spot. There were chairs lined up in front of a tall structure covered with pink flowers, and a path had been marked with the petals of roses leading toward the crowd.

I was shocked at first, honestly, that it wasn't set up like a tacky thrift store ho-down. I guess I had my mother and Rosalie to thank for that, but it did look pretty impressive. Simple and soft, and I hoped to hell Bella loved it.

Rosalie found me and waved me over toward the altar, where my brother was already standing waiting for me. I started getting a little choked up. It was surreal that in less than an hour, I would be officially married.

What a fucking trip.

"I just left Bella. Oh, Edward… she looks amazing. I can't wait to see the look on your face when you see her!" Rosalie gushed. "The wedding dress is just… wow. So not what I expected it to turn out like, but it's so much better!"

She had me curious.

"Okay, go stand next to Emmett and wait. They'll start the music in just a few, and then Bella will be here."

My palms were sweaty and my throat was dry. I was more than ready to get the show on the road.

And then the theme song to the movie Titanic began to play. Badly.

There sat the craziest old lady I'd ever seen—and that wasn't even adding the hideous dress she was wearing to the mix—playing that damn song on a plastic recorder—like those ones they gave you in Elementary school to learn to play. My ears were ringing, and my brother's laughter was just a tone louder than the ruckus coming from her.

I used my finger and slit it across my throat, begging it to stop. I turned, looking for Rosalie so I could get some back up on things, and what I encountered about killed me.

There were four of them, shirtless and in cut-off jean shorts, holding up a hot pink blow up mattress with my beautiful Bella on top of it.

I blinked a couple times to make it go away, but it was there. For the world to see. So much for the untacky wedding. It was about to get real.

Jake was at the helm, smirking as he made his way toward me. I didn't remember our little peace treaty the night before, and no matter what my brother had to say about it, that dude was my enemy and I hated his guts.

They lowered the floppy thing down in front of me, and my tongue swelled when I took in my bride in her beautiful white dress.

To my surprise, it wasn't skin tight, and it wasn't short enough to show her ass. It was surprisingly modest, and I wondered what my mom used to talk her into wearing it. It was so unlike Bella, but it suited her. She was unbelievably gorgeous.

She smiled, and my heart just melted and ran down my torso. I was so fucking gone for that girl. Fucking history. Balls in a jar, sure thing. She owned me.

I held my hand out for her to take and as soon as I bent and touched her fingers with mine, a scraggly old man began screaming from the tip of the forest.

"Wait! I'm object!"

Bella craned her neck around and then turned to me and growled.

"I'm gonna kill that old sonofabitch!"

Her face was pretty much as red as a beet, and whoever that guy was I felt sorry for him. The vein… the one in her neck that popped out when she was really pissed off was throbbing and I covered my junk just in case.

"Bella Marie! Don't you dare marry that scallywag! Daddy's here!"

My eyes bugged out of my head. "Dad?"

"Chuck Swan, you take one more step and I'll blow that good for nothin' pecker right off ya."

Renee lifted and cocked a rather large shotgun and pointed directly at the intruder. I had no idea where she'd gotten the thing, or why in the hell there was a damn shotgun at my damn wedding, but she was ready to use it and things were about to get crazy.

And the Trailer park cheered.

Fuck.

"That boy there knocked up my little girl and he owes me! You don't damage a man's property without payin' up. I'm here to collect, and if he ain't got the means, well, he can't have my girl."

"I mean it, Chuck. I'll kill you once and for all. I may have missed before, but I've been practicing. I'll getcha this time, ya old bastard!"

I heard grunting and looked down to find Bella struggling to get to her feet.

"Oh shit, baby! Hang on. I'll help you."

She took my hand and groaned again as I pulled her to her feet. She had once arm cradling her tummy and the other wrapped around me.

"Let me at him, Fancy. That old coot ain't gonna spoil my wedding. No good, good for nothin' low-life redneck!"

She took off hobbling toward him, and I felt bad for the guy. That dress she had on was a little loose, so God only knew what she had stashed up there to use as a weapon. If the man were smart, he would've ran like crazy.

Apparently, the crazy ran deep in the Swan family because he stood straight as a rod, and welcomed Bella's approach.

"Well now, honey, don't you look pretty."

She smacked him with all she had as soon as she was close enough and then he grabbed her arm and I lost my shit.

"Get your hands off her!" I yelled, sprinting toward them. "Don't you touch her, fucker."

He chuckled and patted her head. "This is my baby girl, boy. You don't want no trouble from me, I'll tell you that."

I pulled her away from him, and shoved his fat ass away. "Leave. You weren't invited and no one wants you here. I won't allow you to ruin this day for her. Now, get out."

Oh, the whispers. This was juicy shit, especially for the country clubbers my parents invited. This wedding would be the fodder for gossip for years to come. I didn't' give a damn. The man was obviously drunk as fuck and unstable. With Nay-Nay wielding a gun, shit was going to get messy and quick if I didn't get rid of him pretty quickly.

"Listen here, fella. You fornicated with my daughter, and she's with youngin's now, that makes you a thief! You stole what was mine, and now I want payback.

I reached into my pocket and retrieved my wallet.

"What, you want money? Here—there's five-hundred bucks there. Take it and leave."

He wet his finger with his tongue and thumbed through the bills, humming and shoving them in my pocket.

"Well, good job there, girly. Got yourself a moneybags. You keep this one happy, and you make sure to take care of yer dear ol' Daddy."

She huffed from behind me and got in his face again.

"You weren't nothin' but a mean ol' jackass my whole life. Treated my mama bad, stole every damn nickel she got, and you weren't there for me for a dang second of my life. Yer a loser and I ain't got no use for you. I got me a real man, Chuck, and you ain't got nothin' to do with my life. Now, shoo. Get on out of here and don't make your face known in La Push again."

He chuckled and sneered at Bella. "Little girl, I think you better apologize for that smart lip of yers."

Nay-Nay came up behind him and that barrel was pushed right into his skull. "Chuck, you move your ass."

He gulped, realizing he was outnumbered. He was drunk, but not that stupid apparently.

Or, maybe he was.

He turned around to face Nay-Nay.

"Sugar lips… I came back fer ya. I miss ya, and them tits… damn, yer a fine woman."

Bella gasped and what happened next was just… un-fucking-believable.

Nay-Nay dropped that gun and grabbed him, planting a big wet kiss on his lips.

"Oh, well poodles on parade! This is about as batty as it gets," Bella groaned.

And then she really groaned.

"Hell fire! That hurt like a mother…"

I turned around and my breathe caught in my lungs. She was sheet white and looked like she was going to pass out.

"Baby, what is it? What's wrong."

She bent at the waist and grabbed her stomach with both hands. I kneeled in front of her, placing the palm of my hand against her stomach to see if I could feel what she was feeling.

And then it happened.

My shoes… my pants… covered. Wet. Splashed.

Her water fucking broke.

"Holy…"

"Edward!" she shrieked. "What the hell is going on down there?"

I looked up at her, scared out of my pants and more than a little grossed out.

"Um, sweetheart… I think you're having the babies."


thank you for reading... i promise i won't leave you hanging this long again! swears. XO