Sebastian Moran very quickly learned that Jim Moriarty was quite possibly the worst flatmate in the entire history of flatmates. It began with simple things, (blood on the carpet, changing Seb's ringtone to horrible pop tunes, pointlessly assigning every single word in his phone to autocorrecrt to "PELICAN" for some unforeseeable reason) and eventually led to the more complex, (spontaneous explosions, sending heartfelt Christmas cards to the Yard, entire rooms of furniture rearranging themselves into forts overnight).

Which is why, this morning, he only had a short panic attack before fishing out his phone.


Have I ever told you that living with you is a fucking nightmare? -SM

Someone's grumpy today -JM

Grumpy grump grump -JM

Did you wake up on the wrong side of the bed? -JM

Considering that I woke up next to a HUMAN EAR on the pillow like a bloody hotel mint, instead of YOU, yes Jim. I am a little pissed. -SM

Oh! -JM

That's where I put that. -JM

Weird. -JM

Weird? -SM

Weird! -JM

Weird? -SM

Is your phone broken or something? You're repeating things. -JM

I'm just trying to put this together. -SM

Give me a second. -SM

'Weird' is the word you would use to describe this. -SM

Waking up next to a DISEMBODIED EAR is 'weird' -SM

No. What? no. -JM

It's weird because I thought I sent it to someone. -JM

I don't know what it's doing THERE. It's supposed to be in the mail. -JM

..Why in the fucking hell would you send someone an ear? -SM

As A THREEEEAAT, obviously. -JM

Keep up, Sebbie. -JM

. It is way too early for this, Jim -SM

Too fucking early. -SM


Where are you, then? -SM

Around. -JM

This ear business is quite interesting. -JM

I REMEMBER sending something. -JM

That's not a location. -SM

I packed it up in a box and taped it and wrote the address... -JM

You're not even listening to me, are you? -SM

I dropped it off at the post office this morning... -JM

What did I send them...? -JM


Have you seen my mug? -SM

Mug? -JM

Yes, Jim, a mug. Holds drinks? -SM

Sounds boring. -JM

Great, have you seen it or not? -SM

Nooooooope. -JM

Ok. -SM

Wait, do you even know what it looks like? -SM

Nooooooope~ What's it look like? -JM

Blue. Has a handle. Attached constantly to my hand in the mornings so I don't murder you. -SM

Oh! -JM

Oh. -JM

Well this is interesting. -JM

'Interesting'? -SM

I may have sent it to someone. -JM

Is it a particularly threatening mug? -JM

Dammit, Jim. -SM

Why my mug? -SM

That doesn't even make any fucking sense. -SM

I wonder how they'll take that. -JM

I mean, a human ear in the mail is obviously a threat. -JM

What's a mug? -JM

That thing that used to keep me from smothering you in your sleep. -SM


Good news! -JM

Seb. -JM

Sebbie, good news. -JM

I don't care. -SM

But it's good news! -JM

Do not care. I can't deal with anymore of your 'good news' today until I get some fucking coffee. -SM

Which I would have gotten earlier. -SM

IF I HAD MY MUG. -SM

But that's the good news! I got it back. -JM

He sent it back. -JM

He? He who? -SM

Sherlock, obviously. He sent your mug back and I sent him the ear. -JM

Seb? -JM

Seb are you there? -JM

You sent Sherlock Holmes my coffee mug. -SM

Wait, he sent it back? -SM

You put a RETURN ADDRESS? -SM

Uh, yeah. That's how mail WORKS, Sebbie. -JM

I send him things, he sends them back. -JM

No, Jim, that's how a fucking PEN PAL works. Most people have them in fourth grade. -SM

Are you seriously telling me that you exchange LETTERS with Sherlock Holmes? -SM

Jim? -SM

Are you ignoring me now? -SM

...Oh my God, you do. You send him letters. -SM

Two of the smartest men on the whole goddamned planet... are penpals. -SM

Do you ask him about his day? -SM

Shoes. Shoes, Seb. -JM

I will make you into shoes. -JM

No you won't. -SM

I don't know if two psychopathic grown men sending each other GIFTS in the form of body parts is incredibly disturbing or fucking adorable. -SM

It was a threat. -JM

Gift. -SM

Threat. -JM

Wait, should I be jealous? -SM

Jim? -SM

I'm not even joking now, Jim. -SM

Should I be jealous? -SM


Are you still mad at me? -SM

Come home. -SM

I didn't mean to make fun of you. -SM

Busy, Can't. -JM

Bullshit. -SM


When Jim came home an hour later, he hardly stepped out of his shoes before pulling Seb (who had been pacing and trying to ignore that maybe he was worried) onto the couch and curling up beside him in a rare moment of vulnerability. They sat like that for a second before Seb cleared his throat softly.

"Are you mad at me?"

"No."

"Alright," he nodded carefully, brushing the madman's hair back a bit, "Should I be jealous?"

"No."

"No?"

"No," Jim repeated shortly, "I fixed it."


Across town, in the warmth of Baker Street, A very annoyed John Watson was carrying milk to 221b and attempting to not simply set the whole place on fire and be done with it.

"Sherlock!" he called from the top of the stairs as he turned the key, because obviously Sherlock couldn't be bothered to unlock the damn door even when he KNEW John was out there, "Do you mind explaining why my card-"

He stopped dead when he pushed the door open to their flat, now covered in so many different types of flowers that it looked like a small jungle. Sherlock sat in the middle of them with his thinking face, poking with mortified interest at a rather large tulip.

"What...?" John trailed off hopelessly.

"Moriarty," Sherlock answered bluntly with a tone of disgust and horror in his voice.

"But... why... flowers?"

"Obviously a threat."

"... A...Threat?"

"A threat."

"He sent you an ear earlier... how are flowers-"

"The ear was a gift, John, don't be dull. These are obviously threats." Sherlock said plainly, "Go make tea or something"

With a resigned shrug at the universe, John made tea.


AUTHORS NOTE:

Okay, so this started as a Valentine's Day oneshot thing, but I really enjoy writing Seb and Jim, and I did get one or two requests to continue it... soo... I did.

I would like to CONTINUE continuing it, if that makes sense, so I won't beg for reviews, but I will ask for prompts. I don't care what type.

Leave me a review with a phrase, a word, a paragraph, song lyrics, poetry, WHATEVER... and I will use it as a prompt. Or attempt to.

Ciao!