Disclaimer: I do not, in any way shape or form, own Bleach (for if I would this would've long since happened by now teehee~) otherwise this would not be a fan-fiction.

Author's Note: I know I should be working on Trouble Clef and all, but I really wanted to make a v-day fanfic xD So enjoy, all! And yes, this will end up being several chapters because of all the coupons lol and don't expect any AiGin sex, because I'm not going there! They only 'tease' each other, lol…

One Haughty Valentine's Day

I

What Kind of Gift is This?

Aizen Sōsuke leaned back in his throne, contemplating on how to entertain himself for the next week or month depending on how long it'll take Soul Society to get their shit together for the war.

"Aizen-sama, do you know what today is?" Ichimaru Gin appeared behind Aizen, giving his usual sly-fox smile and leaning over to study Aizen's expression.

"Of course I do." Aizen wasn't about to let Gin know that he had no idea.

"Then what day is it?"

"Tuesday." Aizen tricked him.

Gin wanted to face palm, "well, yes, but why is today special?"

"Because it makes us one day closer to accomplishing my goal now would you cut the games already?" He was starting to get annoyed with Gin's presence.

"Today is what humans refer to as Valentine's Day! You know, where a female gives her lover chocolates or something extra special? Or it is known as Singles Awareness Day," Gin opened his arms out wide and twirled around like a ballerina.

"I knew that," Aizen turned his head and gave Gin his signature smile, daring Gin to question his knowledge. Then suddenly, an idea popped up into Aizen's head—a very naughty idea. "Valentine's Day, eh? This might not actually be so bad…"

Gin's smile almost faltered, and he grew very weary of Aizen's flaring reiatsu. "W-what are you plotting, Aizen-sama…?"

"It is nothing of your concern, Gin, just a form of entertainment is all." Aizen snapped out of his reverie.

Gin sighed, relieved that he wasn't going to be harmed, "oooo I love entertainment—especially the x-rated kind, teehee."

Aizen chuckled darkly, "believe me, this will be x-rated alright. Now how's about going to the human world to fetch me something, Gin?"

Ulquiorra's POV

Ulquiorra was a little curious as to why Aizen wanted him back in the throne room after he was just there a few moments ago turning in his latest mission. Did he do something wrong? Was Aizen displeased with him? All questions would be answered once he reached the room, he supposed.

He blinked when he spotted Szayelapporo entering the throne room. How peculiar, I wonder if he wants us to go on a team mission or something, Ulquiorra contemplated. Why Szayelapporo, he did not know. He finally reached the door and walked in behind Szayelapporo.

Szayelapporo turned around to face his follower and only smiled when he saw that bored expression, "Ah, Ulquiorra, what a surprise…"

He just stared at him and curtly walked past to stand before his master; Aizen Sōsuke. Szayelapporo 'humphed' at Ulquiorra's attitude, but reluctantly stood next to him.

"Good afternoon, Ulquiorra, Szayelapporo," Aizen greeted them in what he thought was a warm gesture. "As you both should know, today is Valentine's Day. Do you know what that means?" Ulquiorra had no idea what the man was going on about but nodded anyways. Next to him, Szayelapporo gave a small smirk.

"Excellent," Aizen clapped, "then you won't need an explanation when I hand you these." He motioned for Gin to step forth and hand Ulquiorra and Szayelapporo each a small rectangular present box. Ulquiorra examined the metallic pink with a white bow wrapped present, confused.

"Now I want you to hand that to Grimmjow," Aizen pointed at Ulquiorra. "And you to hand that one to Nnoitra," he pointed at Szayelapporo.

"May I ask why, Aizen-sama?" Ulquiorra blinked, still confused as to why Aizen didn't just call them in here and give it to them instead of having them be the 'delivery boys'.

"You will very soon find out, Ulquiorra. Now off you go, you don't want to keep them waiting, do you?" Aizen flicked out his hand.

"Suspicious…" Szayelapporo pushed up his spectacles, but headed out after Ulquiorra anyways, not wanting to disobey his master's wishes no matter how odd they are. Ulquiorra and Szayelapporo looked at each other as if they had a 'moment of understanding' then went their separate ways.

Ulquiorra continued down the hallway with a passive look on his face until he reached the door with a gothic number six on it. He pulled his free hand out of his pocket and knocked four times on the door (thought that would give the Sexta a clue of who was there, being the Cuarta Espada and all). He received a growl from the other side and then a 'go away!'. "I am here on Aizen's orders, surely you understand what that means, Sexta."

"I could give less of a fuck!" A hiss resounded.

"Do you really wish to disobey Aizen's wishes?"

"Tch, not really I just don't wanna see you in particular, you know you're everyones least favorite Espada, right?" Grimmjow actually opened the door and frowned upon seeing him.

"I could care less how trash think, now Aizen sent me to give you this." He thrust the present at Grimmjow's chest.

"The hell? Why didn't he just send for me instead of making you deliver it, and why the fuck would he ever give me a present in the first place?" He snatched the present anyways and snapped at Ulquiorra.

"Why don't you ask him yourself because I haven't the slightest idea." And then he was gone.

Szayelapporo went inside his lab to check up on his latest experiment before he delivered that present to Nnoitra, when said Espada reared the corner and leaned against his door frame, the perverted smirk very evident upon his face.

"Knock, knock baby cakes. How's my pink princess faring as of late?"

"I was just about to go looking for you, seeing as though you weren't in your room." He carefully removed a sample out of a test tube with tongs and replaced it.

"Oh were you planning something naughty, M'dear?" If possible, his perverse grin grew even wider.

"Not quite," he snatched the present off his work table and turned to walk towards Nnoitra. "Aizen wanted me to give you this present for some odd reason, I do find this very suspicious though, so be cautious when you open it because you never know what can jump out at you." He handed the present to Nnoitra who gladly accepted it.

"Oooooo how interesting—a present for me! I apologize for ever doubting you, Aizen-sama!" He chuckled darkly and headed out the door, forgetting what he was gonna do to Szayelapporo.

"Thank goodness he's gone, now back to my lab!" He still wondered what was in the present, though…

Meanwhile, in the surveillance room…

Aizen ran his hand through his hair for the twenty-eighth time that day, a frown evident on his face. Why couldn't they have just handed them the presents without mentioning his name? Now the idiots are gonna come running to him for an explanation. He expected just as much from Ulquiorra to mention his name, but Szayelapporo do the same? He thought he of all people would've 'got it'. Oh, well—what's done is done. He lifted his tea cup up to his face and slowly sipped it before he headed back out to the throne room.

Grimmjow Jeagerjaques didn't know what to think or say as he stared at the content of the present: a small booklet that clearly said "Sex RX: 22 prescriptions for a racy night" on it with a picture of a slutty nurse holding a shot in a haughty manner that very much reminded him of Szayel—what with the half-lidded eyes and all.

"Da fuck…?" he lifted the booklet out of the box and let it dangle between his thumb and forefinger. He dropped it in his other hand and flipped to the second page, knowing the first was just another title page. It read: "Let Me Show you Where It Hurts: this coupon is good for a slow and sexy striptease."

He flung the booklet across the room, "sick fuck! I'm gonna fucking kill 'im!" He opened his door and slammed it behind him, ready to hear some answers alright.

Nnoitra Gilga silently shut his bedroom door behind him, excited to see what was inside his present. What he saw when he opened it, however, rendered him speechless: inside a rectangular box was a small pink booklet titled "Steamy: 22 naughty ideas sure to turn up the heat". "Oh Aizen," he smiled mischievously, "have you really outdone yourself this time."

After that all that was heard from Mr. Gilga's room was the most terrifying perverse laugh one could ever imagine.

"What the fuck is this?" Grimmjow flung the raunchy booklet at Aizen.

"Refrain from suing such vile language when before me, Sexta," Aizen picked up the booklet off his lap and read the back.

"What is it?" Grimmjow snarled in impatience.

"Well I believe it is what it says here on the back: '22 Sexy Coupons to Cure that Fever! The Doctor Is In.' isn't it?" Aizen gave his usual "warm" smile.

"You know damn well what I really mean, now stop fucking with me!" He roared in outrage.

"You really do need to learn how to control your temper, Sexta, now I didn't give this to you to offend you it was simply an act of kindness. As for why I had Ulquiorra give it to you—because I know you're going to ask that next—that's because he is the one that you will be turning the coupons into—not me. Aren't I kind to let you have your way with an obvious virgin, and a damn sexy one at that, who you would've never dreamed of ever fucking before because he is way beyond your league?"

Grimmjow just stared at him with his jaw dropped; speechless.

"I'll take that as yes," Aizen tossed the booklet back to Grimmjow, who caught it in a robotic manner. "Have a Happy Valentine's Day, Grimmjow!"

Grimmjow just slowly turned around, shock still evident on his face, and mechanically walked out.

"Aizen-sama, why didn't I get one of those booklets?" Gin pouted.

"Once again, Gin, that would leave me very vulnerable and I only gave those two booklets so that I'd have something interesting to watch in the surveillance room." Aizen smiled "warmly".

"Awwwww, poop…"

That sick fuck is just looking for some kind of sick enjoyment out of this, Grimmjow mentally screamed while on his way to his quarters. Like hell would I ever fuck that stoic-ass! I can already picture him charging a cero at me once I touch him, but then he'd realize he wouldn't be able to release it because this was 'Aizen's orders' and he wouldn't be able to stop me from marring his perfect ivory skin and roughly kissing his dual-colored lips until I finally take his doll-frame under the moonlight shone in his room. Now that I think about it, that doesn't sound all too bad after all.

A sadistic grin played upon Grimmjow's lips as he found himself passing up his quarters and on his way to Ulquiorra's for a sweet surprise. He took the booklet out of his pocket and started flipping through the pages to find the perfect one. Nope, nope, nope, not that one, nope, and ah—perfect! He tore his desired coupon out of the booklet and shoved it back in his pocket just as he reached his new destination. He reached up his free hand and rapped hard on the door, surprised at how fast Ulquiorra opened the door, though just enough to reveal his face only.

"What do you want, Sexta?"

"This," he slipped the paper through the opening of the door and watched Ulquiorra cautiously take it and read it aloud:

"Doctor's Orders: Tell me what sexy things you want me to do tonight—I'll make it happen." It wasn't sexy at all coming from monotone Ulquiorra, but he would deal with it since he looked like a doll.

"Look familiar?"

"What is this?"

"It's that present you gave me."

"Correction: Aizen-sama gave you whatever this is."

"Surely you didn't think that Aizen would have you specifically hand this to me for nothing, right?"

"I don't understand."

"Look," he grabbed the edge of the door and opened it all the way only to walk in and then close it behind him. "I don't know what's up with Aizen and personally I think he's just trying to fulfill some sick desire of his, but he gave you this present to give to me because he wanted it to be from you—that I use the present on you and not him. Here's the full thing:" he pulled the booklet out of his pocket and showed it to Ulquiorra who carefully read the cover.

"No…why," Ulquiorra actually allowed his eyes to go wide, which Grimmjow took pleasure in seeing that impenetrable mask break-if only for just a few short moments.

"Oh, yes. I guess Aizen just doesn't love you anymore to allow this to happen to you! Count yourself lucky that I only want to make out today." Grimmjow let out a maniacal laugh while Ulquiorra stood stock-still and re-pocketed his new treasure. He stopped laughing and pulled Ulquiorra close to him, lifted up his chin and dipped his head downwards to claim those lips his, having to angle his head a certain way so that his hollow remnant wouldn't interfere. Grimmjow never thought he'd ever give a 'sweet' kiss to someone—but he did this time, breaking it after fifteen seconds of Ulquiorra just standing there. "Aren't you supposed to be the one entertaining me? It says so right here on the coupon: 'I'll make it happen'."

"I…I don't know how," Ulquiorra looked downcast, a slight blush hinted on his right cheek. Cuuuuute…!

Grimmjow sighed and scratched the back of his head, "weeeeeeeell, I don't really know how to explain it to ya—just follow what your instincts entail; whatever your body tells ya to do—I'm sure you'll get it right, everybody does when facing their first time."

"Ok, then…" Grimmjow dipped down for a second time, not hesitating to go full out. When he finally felt Ulquiorra start to get the hang of it, he licked Ulquiorra's bottom lip vigorously, earning him a surprise gasp. He darted his tongue in, anxious to explore the inner caverns of Ulquiorra's mouth. He smirked when Ulquiorra's tongue pushed his, determined to force the intrusion out. So you're a tongue battler, eh, Ulquiorra? No matter—I love a challenge. So he fought back with full force, earning him a whine from his inexperienced partner which only turned him on in the process. He wrapped his arms around Ulquiorra's waist, pulling him closer to and smiling when he felt Ulquiorra's arms snake around his neck and twirl his hair. He was about to take it up another notch until the door suddenly squeaked open and they both jumped back several feet—Ulquiorra smoothing out his pants and Grimmjow ruffling his hair back into place.

"Hey Ulquiorra, have you see—what were you two just doing?" Nnoitra's head popped in and smile perversely.

"Training." They said in unison.

"Mmmmhmmm, sure doesn't look that way I can always tell when someone's about to get it on." He cackled and his smile grew broader, "anyways! Since Grimmy's already here I guess I'll just ask you this: did Aizen perchance give you a mysterious 'present'?"

"Actually—he did, but he had Ulquiorra give it to me and I finally found out why."

"So there's a special reason, then? Because I knew took Aizen for the kinky type if ya know what I mean wink, wink."

"You are so screwed up in the head…" Grimmjow shook his head in disapproval, "so I am assuming that you got the coupon booklet, too? Nurses were never my forte…"

"Is that what yours is? Mine says 'Steamy' and I got it from a certain pink-haired wonder. So I just turn it into him then, I'm assuming?"

"Yep—now go away already." Grimmjow growled, suddenly very aware of Nnoitra's presence.

"Alright, alright I'll give you two your privacy for your, er, training." Nnoitra winked at that, "I have a certain pink-haired Espada to go 'prod' at in the meantime, play nice kinky kitten and baby bat—tata!" Nnoitra licked his lips and vanished from the crack, not bothering to shut the door.

"Teme…" Grimmjow walked over and slammed the door shut, making sure to lock it this time. "Well, shall we continue then?"

To Be Continued…

Author's E/N: I tried really hard to get this up on valentine's Day, but so many conflicts came up: I was sick (not a surprise) and missed school so im wrote it in the middle of my mind-blowing sickness (Dx), but then I remembered that it was the last day for musical aud.s and it ran all the way til six and then I was starving and needed sustenance and had to finish the chapter also (bc I ended up doing other things like napping and going to Walgreen's for proper medicine) and so I ended up arriving at the library at exactly 8:01pm when our lib closes at nine and I would've finished it in time if not for my handicap—I had cut my middle finger on the faucet that day before, how convenient I know -.- lol ah well at least it's up the day after!