Disclaimer: I do not own the Fairy Tail series or any of the characters.
Summary: Natsu just won't take a hint, even when it's less of a hint and more like a glowing neon sign flashing in front of his face. Not that anyone else in the guild is much better.
"I did it."
Mirajane watched with a bit of concern as Lucy slumped over the bar, looking shell-shocked.
"I told Natsu I like him."
Mirajane nearly dropped the glass she was drying. She wasn't the only one suddenly giving Lucy her undivided attention. In an instant, Levy changed course halfway to the request board, making a beeline for the bar instead. Cana actually put down the barrel she'd been guzzling from.
"And?" Mirajane urged, eager for all the juicy details.
Lucy groaned, dropping her face into her hands in defeat. "He said thanks, and told me what a great nakama I am."
Mirajane didn't let it show, but inwardly, she cringed. It was painful just hearing about it.
"Natsu has been a good friend to all of us," Erza pronounced solemnly, requipping a sword. "It saddens me to have to kill him. He will be missed."
Erza headed for the door. Lucy suddenly looked much more lively as she sprang from her seat and made a panicked attempt to keep Erza from leaving. The altercation was brief, but violent, and by the time it was over, Lucy had had to call out two Celestial Spirits just to divert the armour mage.
(Actually, Lucy only called Virgo, but Loke would use any excuse to force his gate. Especially if the alternative was missing the opportunity to watch two beautiful women wrestle each other.)
Luckily, Mirajane had the presence of mind to appease Erza with cake, and disaster was averted, at least for the moment.
Lucy collapsed into her seat again, and Gray thoughtfully passed her some ice wrapped up in his discarded t-shirt.
"Thanks," she muttered, pressing the ice to a bruise on her forehead.
"Natsu's an idiot," Gray opined, as he absently removed his pants. "What kind of moron can't tell when a girl likes him, especially if she comes right out and says so?"
This was too much for Juvia, who'd been eavesdropping to make sure this wasn't all a ploy by Lucy to make a move on her man.
"Gray-sama, Juvia is in love with you!" she shrieked, overcome by the strength of her adoration and hormones.
The rain woman flung herself at Gray, but wound up colliding with Elfman and fell to the floor in a daze. Gray took no notice. Neither did Elfman, actually.
"Cheer up, Lu-chan," Levy encouraged. "You'll just have to try again. Maybe you weren't clear enough?"
"What part of 'Natsu, I really, really like you' is in any way unclear?" Lucy asked in despair.
Mirajane privately agreed.
"I've been dropping hints for a while, but he hasn't picked up on any of them, so I finally worked up the courage to just come right out and say it." Lucy buried her face in her arms atop the bar. "Why does he have to be so clueless?" she wailed.
"You're going about it all wrong," spoke up Gajeel.
"Oh, what do you know?" Lucy sulked, raising her head to peer at him.
Gajeel sprawled casually in his seat, balancing his chair on its back legs. With his fingers linked behind his head, feet planted firmly, and knees splayed, he looked as if he was in a contest to see who could dominate the most physical space. And he was winning.
Mirajane thought she could almost hear the chair legs groaning under the weight of muscle and iron, and hoped she was still watching when it finally broke.
"Listen, Bunny Girl," he said ("The name's Lucy!" she interrupted crossly), "When you're raised by a dragon, shit like subtlety doesn't really translate, got it?"
"I wasn't subtle!" Lucy retorted. "I even used small words!"
Gajeel made a dismissive noise. "Actions speak louder than words. If you want him, just pounce on him and stick your tongue in his mouth. That should register."
Lucy stared. So did everyone else.
"And if... that doesn't work?" Lucy asked weakly.
Gajeel hmm-ed as he considered. "Maybe take his pants off. That should do it."
As plans went, at least this one was pretty straightforward.
A blur of colour and movement was the only warning. Moving faster than seemed humanly possible, Levy appeared in front of Gajeel and delivered a surprisingly powerful kick to his precariously balanced chair, sending him crashing to the floor. Then she straddled him and proceeded to follow his advice.
Well, no one could say it was unexpected. Mirajane sighed as she dug some money out of her pocket and put it in Cana's outstretched palm. The card mage cackled happily and began adding up the winnings she needed to collect from everyone else.
"My god. Am I the only sane one here?" Lucy asked, her eyes huge. No one bothered to answer.
Eventually Levy had to pause for breath, and Gajeel blinked hazily up at her, apparently trying to recall how words worked.
"Uhh... wha...?" he asked intelligently, looking like he'd been struck over the head with a brick. More likely, all the blood in his brain had packed up and headed south for an unscheduled vacation.
Levy narrowed her eyes at this unsatisfactory response and attacked his belt buckle with both hands, a scary look of determination on her face. Gajeel let out a surprisingly adorable squeak of alarm, before Levy shut him up by the most expedient means at her disposal (i.e. shoving her tongue back into his mouth).
Pantherlily smirked and began perusing the local newspaper for apartment listings. Across the guild hall, Jet and Droy collapsed to the floor and sobbed.
Because fate is funny that way, it was at this moment that Natsu wandered in with Happy in tow, greeting people with his usual air of cheerful oblivion. Lucy stared at him, then took a moment to assess Levy's progress. The strategy appeared to be very effective.
"Quick Mira!" she demanded, wild-eyed. "Liquid courage! I don't care what!"
Mirajane immediately grabbed the closest bottle of liquor and shoved a shot glass at Lucy, who tossed the contents down her throat as if her life depended on it. Mirajane whisked the glass away just before Natsu strolled up.
"Why are Gajeel and Levy rolling around on the floor like that?" Natsu asked no one in particular, scratching his head. "Oh well, I guess they look happy."
Lucy launched herself out of her seat, grabbed Natsu by his scarf, shoved him up against a convenient pillar, and kissed him. There was definitely tongue involved. Maybe even some humping.
Everyone observed with bated breath. Levy even stopped molesting Gajeel just to watch.
Lucy pulled away and stared at Natsu expectantly. He seemed mildly surprised.
"Hi Lucy," he said brightly. "You taste like tequila. No lime?"
For a moment Lucy's face didn't change. Then she exploded.
"HOW ARE YOU SO STUPID?" she shouted furiously, pounding on his chest with her fists. Then she seized big handfuls of her hair so that it stuck out in every direction, and screamed with frustration before running out of the building.
Natsu stared after her, bewildered. Cana laughed so hard that she fell off her table and rolled under it, where she lay on the floor, hiccuping.
"Too stupid to live," muttered Levy in awe, before returning to the task at hand with enthusiasm.
Natsu rapidly recovered from his confusion and headed to the bar. He sat down next to Gray, who was shaking his head in mute disbelief. Natsu didn't notice. He looked slightly preoccupied.
"Too bad Lucy's drunk," he commented, resting his chin in his hands. "When's she gonna figure out I like her?"
Erza made a choking sound and her fingers started inching towards a knife Mirajane had used earlier to cut the cake. Mirajane quickly took it away and placated her with another slice.
"Maybe you should give Lucy a fish," Happy helpfully suggested.
When Mirajane realized that Natsu actually looked like he was considering this advice, she decided that enough was enough. There needed to be an intervention.
"Natsu," she said. He looked up. "Lucy isn't drunk."
He considered this for a moment.
"But I tasted..."
"Lucy had one shot, approximately ten seconds after you walked in," Mirajane interrupted firmly. "Even Erza doesn't get drunk that fast."
Erza glowered, but was distracted by cake. Mirajane ignored her, choosing instead to lean on the bar so she could get right in Natsu's face. She stared him down. He stared back.
Suddenly, Natsu shot out of his seat and gawked comically towards the door. He turned back and gaped at Mirajane — then back to the door again.
"And there it is," Mirajane murmured to herself, satisfied.
"I've gotta go," Natsu mumbled, and sprinted for the door so fast that he actually knocked over Gildarts as the older man was walking in. A blast of Crash magic took out half the entryway. Natsu didn't even slow down.
Under the table, Cana burst into applause before passing out. It was fairly impressive.
"There is something seriously wrong with him," Gray commented, dropping his boxers onto the bar.
Wendy squealed, properly scandalized, and covered her eyes. But not too well. She was twelve, after all, and had the same healthy sense of curiosity typical of any girl hurtling headlong into puberty. Not for the first time, she congratulated herself on joining Fairy Tail. Cait Shelter had been good to her, even if it turned out none of it was actually real, but there had been a distinct lack of attractive teenaged boys. Especially the naked kind.
Erza finished her cake and requipped into her Heaven's Wheel Armour. It was a shame that Gray's life was about to be cut short, but Erza was sure she'd get over it eventually. Perverts could not go unpunished.
Hmm, thought Mirajane, wiping down the bar and smiling serenely as she watched Romeo duck under the table to rummage through Cana's pockets. It must be a Wednesday.
A/N: Does this count as a crack-fic if I can actually imagine it happening?
I wrote this pretty fast, so let me know if there are any typos. Typos are not to be tolerated!