A/N: Once again, I got sidetracked from my many WIP (both fanfic and school related) by a nagging oneshot that wouldn't leave me alone. Blame Max Adler's amazing appearance in this week's episode!
I hope you'll like it!
The glass door opens violently, banging with a loud thud against the wall before flinging back. Kurt stops it from slamming into him and slides outside in one fluid motion. A few steps lead him to the side of the restaurant and he leans against the cold bricks. Eyes closed, he takes deep breaths. The multitude of conversations are less overwhelming here, they're merely a background noise without any recognizable word in it. Thankfully.
While thriving on being in the spotlight, tonight it's too much. This many people in one place, scratch that, this many crazy-excited teens in one place makes for a suffocating environment. And as much fun as dancing and singing with a finally-able boyfriend are, Kurt really needs a break.
He lifts his eyelids slowly. For a few seconds, the sight of his breath streaming in elongated clouds in the icy air is distraction enough. Soon though his attention shifts to his surroundings.
Well, surprise, surprise.
Karofsky looks up. He makes a disturbing face, half-happy, half-scared, but doesn't move from his spot. Without hesitation, Kurt takes the four or five steps needed to join him, sitting right next to him on the ledge of the low window.
"What are you doing here? I thought you left. And if you stayed, why aren't you inside?" Kurt asks precipitously. He puts a hand on Dave's shoulder, cautiously. He doesn't get the knee-jerk reaction he's half-expecting. No, Dave simply scoots away, with a deep sigh.
"You don't make it easy Kurt, you know?" Dave says. His voice is calm, resolved.
"What do you mean? I'm not doing anything." Kurt replies. Heat rises to his cheeks. Unexplained guilt, the worst.
Dave gets up and starts pacing. His shoes make an annoying squeaking sound on the tapped snow, but Kurt doesn't say a word. He just stares, until Dave finally stops and faces him.
Kurt crosses his arms, waiting. "Why don't you just tell me what it is, David. Tell me how I'm the problem here."
The question wasn't what he'd prepared himself for, evidently. Dave starts looking around, shakes his head and surrenders, sitting back next to Kurt. His hand almost grips the singer's, but at the last second it renounces. The words start pouring out then.
"You don't know how much you matter to me. How everything you do, or say to me, has that huge impact. It's like you're always there, in the back of my mind, pushing me to become this better person." Dave whispers. The volume might be low but every word is said clearly nonetheless. He continues, turning to look at Kurt, who can't bring himself to do the same. "At first, I didn't think it was anything more than guilt. That because I hurt you the most, you were the voice of my conscience, or something like that. I was pretty sure of it, until I saw you at Scandals. Then we talked."
A brief smile tugs at Dave's lips, putting a happy overtone on his words. "It wasn't a long conversation. I'm sure you remember that much. But, I mean, it changed everything for me. I realized that this voice, your voice, in my head, it was there because I didn't have any part of you anywhere else. And I needed to hear you."
He pauses, for such a long time that Kurt starts wondering if he's actually already finished. Kurt looks at Dave's hands, red from the cold, half-joined and resting on his knees. Without thinking, he covers them with his left hand, the fingers curling around the wrist. This time, Dave doesn't shy away from the gesture.
"Um, yeah. That wasn't your question, right?" His voice is a kind of wobbly now, and it pinches something inside Kurt. A simple pressure on the cold fingers makes Dave continue, with a slightly less trembling tone.
"I wrote that I think I love you because I didn't want to put the weight of the truth on your shoulders. I don't think, I know. It can't be anything but love. But you don't love me, and you have a boyfriend." He states, very plainly.
The hands that were still are now gripping firmly Kurt's, fingers lacing and unlacing continuously. Kurt clears his throat, carefully. "Look, David…"
"No, let me finish, please. It's not what you think. I kind of made my peace with it, with the whole situation. It's just… It's taking a while to sink in, the reality, you know? I mean, I knew you wouldn't… But a part of me hoped anyway. A whole week of attentions, it can't make up for what I did but I gave it a shot."
He looks up to Kurt and their eyes meet. Time freezes for them, maybe for the whole world. Is it really that big a moment? Two guys staring deep into each other, one trying to convey impossible feelings, the other at a loss for a reply? No, probably not. But for Kurt it is.
Kurt's actually the first one to break contact. Once again, his hand slips from Dave's grasp. His heart sinks in his chest at the other boy's expression. It gets only worse when he can't prevent the dumb, clumsy question from coming out.
"That's what I did, just not returning your feelings?" Immediately he bites his tongue. Way to go, stupid!
Dave's jaw squares and for a flash, fear threatens to resurface in Kurt. He'd forgotten that Karofsky could instill the panic in him with a single look.
"No." Dave grunts. He gets up quickly, shoves his hands in his coat pockets, stares at Kurt, who suddenly feels as small as an ant. "It's your fucking attitude Hummel. That's what's not making it easy." He turns around and after a second Kurt is glad to see his shoulders relax a bit.
"What about my attitude?" He shoots back. His arms instinctively cross on his chest, a shield that perks him up on the spot.
"It sucks! You act so… I don't even know how to call it! You seem all nice and everything, but the way you say stuff to me… Like tonight, when I told you about… the way I felt. You were such a… jerk! Pretending that I wasn't really in love with you, that I was gonna be okay… You sounded like one of those counselors, the ones that pretend they care but really they just want to prove that they know better than you!"
Out of breath, Dave stops dead in his tirade. Kurt, mind blank and mouth open in shock, doesn't move so much as a muscle. Neither does Dave. It starts to look like a standoff, one already won by Dave though. The dim sound of the party indoors is suddenly very present, snapping the singer back into action.
Kurt, very slowly, pushes himself off the ledge and stands in front of Dave. He looks down. Shame overflows his brain, he can't think, can't protest. He can act out a reflex, that's all. So he says it all, simply, no filter, no excuses.
"You're right, David. The word you're looking for is patronizing. It is how I act with you, telling you how you should be, what you should do, etc. It's the only way for me to make sense of things when we talk. Because I can't reason it otherwise. We used to be enemies, more than enemies, victim and tormentor."
He draws in a shaky breath, the memories still lingering deep inside and affecting him more than he cares for. "And now we're friends, sort of. It's easier to explain it by telling myself that I'm educating you, rather than admitting that I'm enjoying your company, plain and simple. We're not supposed to get along, according to… well everyone. I needed a justification, I chose this one. It was wrong, and I'm sorry."
At last, he has control over his actions once again. He lifts his head to see Dave's eyes. They're unreadable, spreading a renewed uneasiness throughout his mind. Kurt chuckles, embarrassed. "Guess my shitty behavior makes it easier to get over me then!"
David doesn't respond, not with words at least. He reaches up, cupping Kurt's cheek in his palm, his fingertips grazing delicately behind his ear. A thunderous shiver courses through the singer, almost leaving him heaving from the intensity.
"No, Kurt, it doesn't." He murmurs. "It doesn't because there's no getting over you. You have so many faults; I can't even count them all. And yet none of them changes what I felt. That's what makes it so hard. I can search and search, nothing I find ever makes a difference. I cannot not love you."
Dave lets his hand glide down Kurt's face, his thumb lightly tracing the contour of his chin before leaving. He offers a small smile and takes a step back.
"I'm not saying I'm perfect… No, what I want to say is this: you are not perfect. It would be awesome if you were, because then I could just tell myself that I don't deserve you. But you're flawed, and you're trying to make up for it. You would never have to do this with me, because I never cared. Never will. I thought you should know, it's the kind of love I wanted to give to you. You didn't want it, I'll live with that." With a nod, he turns away and walks to his car, with long, hurried strides.
Kurt stands still, feeling as abandoned as an outgrown toy. Watching David leave, it hurts much more than it should. He opens his mouth to call out to him, no sound comes out.
Beep! The familiar alarm makes him jolt and without thinking he pulls out his cell phone to check out the new text message.
babe, wher R you? need ur help on this song Rach want to do now!
Ugh, chat speak… One of Blaine's most detestable traits: an inability to type correctly.
His fingers fly over the keyboard. I needed some fresh air but I'm good now. I'll be there in a second.
When he looks up again, Dave's car is still there. Motor is running, lights are on; basically he's almost gone. But not quite yet, which is all that Kurt needs. He starts running faster than he ever has, careless about his precious and very exclusive shoes.
So many faults. True, like a diva tendency, an unhealthy obsession with haute couture, general disdain for uneducated people. While he sprints to catch up with the sedan, he continues to add items to the list.
He reaches the car, now making its way through the parking lot. Frantically, he bangs on the trunk. The car stops abruptly and only his dancing abilities prevent a collision, making his saunter sideways to avoid the bumper.
Dave exits the car the next second with a perplexed look furrowing his brow. "What, Kurt?" he demands. Kurt, panting, is only able to respond by stopping him with one finger raised.
Dave sighs, but appears quite amused by the sight that's offered to him. Understandable, since not many have witnessed a disheveled, sweaty Kurt and for good reason: it's laughable.
When his breathing returns to a somewhat normal rhythm, he walks timidly closer. "I do have many faults. I wondered if I could add a new one?" he asks.
This time, Dave laughs wholeheartedly. "Sure Fancy, why not. What is it?"
Without a word, Kurt grabs Dave by his coat, pulling hard. Bodies collide, Kurt's arms wrap easily around Dave's neck and just as naturally, their lips meet.
It's really quite like their first kiss.
Unexpected, messy, wrong, in a way.
It's also completely different, once the initial shock wears off. Once Dave figures out that it's okay to hold on tight to Kurt's waist. Once Kurt realizes that Dave can kiss like no other, with fire, urgency but also tenderness, all together a lethal mix.
Kurt slides his hands up, glides them in the other boy's hair, while Dave's are busy feverishly roaming his back. He's surprised by his own boldness when he darts his tongue out, licking Dave's lips, begging for entrance. The response is a desperate, agreeing moan. After that, thoughts are hazy, the arousal caused by dueling tongues clouding everything that isn't pure pleasure.
They pull apart from a mutual, unspoken agreement. Dave's face is a giant question mark, and Kurt is feeling no less confused.
Doesn't want to move, yet has to leave. The dilemma tears him up inside. Reluctantly, he takes a step back, keeping his hands on Dave's strong chest.
"Kurt…" Dave begins.
"No David, don't say anything. I don't know what I was thinking, but I'm glad I did it." Kurt says quickly. He sees the confusion only increase in his friend's expression. "I can't tell you what it means, I don't know it myself. I just went with it."
"It has nothing to do with Blaine." He chews his lip thoughtfully for a second. "Okay, maybe a bit, since he's being quite self-centered tonight. Mostly, it's because of you, David. What you said, and what you feel. I never heard something so… romantic, in a way."
Dave grins at the declaration. Nevertheless, he retreats too, effectively letting go of Kurt. "Well, thanks, I guess." He looks around, even if there's nobody outside. "What now?"
Kurt stares in the deep hazel eyes. "I have no idea."
Dave's mouth hypnotizes him. The redness, the swelling of the lips… He cracks and lunges forward, attacking the mouth with renewed fervor. It's even better than before, less new, more intimate. He feels like he could never kiss him deeply enough. Is that normal?
"Will you give me a while, to figure this out?" he breathes against Dave's lips.
Dave chuckles, pulls away. Readjusting his collar, he shakes his head and opens the driver's door. "Come on Fancy, you really need to ask?" One last smile, a wink and he's back in his car.
When Kurt watches him leave for good, it's with a heavier conscience but a lighter soul. He starts to make his way back to the restaurant, back to Blaine.
Guess he can add several other faults to his personality.
Falling for David Karofsky