Please Don't Leave Me Lil' Shiro

Da da da da, da da da da
Da da da da-da da

I don't know if I can yell any louder
How many time I've kicked you outta here?
Or said something insulting?

"You fucking whore! Get out of my sight!" he yells at me. I'm lying on the wooden floor of our apartment.

Our apartment.

Huh. It used to sound so nice. Living together with Gin. It used to be a dream come true. Hard to believe that was only three years ago. Gin was so sweet back then, he was always smiling at me, hugging me and telling me how much he loved me.

That's in the past now.

About a year ago, Gin lost his job in Seireitei Corp. and he got really stressed trying to find himself a new job. Six months ago he came home so drunk I was surprised he found the apartment. That was the night he started taking it out on me. That night, he beat me until I was covered in bruises.

I can be so mean when I wanna be
I am capable of really anything
I can cut you into pieces
When my heart is... broken

The next morning, I had already packed my stuff and I was ready to leave. I'm a very proud person, did you think I would just let it go? I was halfway out of the door when Gin came to me, begging me to stay. He was begging me not to leave him, saying it would never happen again and that he loved me more than anything.

What did I do?

I guess that's obvious, isn't it? I stayed. I agreed to give him another chance. Why? Because I love him. I love him so fucking much I don't even care about the fact he hurts me anymore.

Didn't he promise not to hurt me anymore?

He did, and he kept his promise.

At first.

For a month, every day, he called me a whore, a son of a bitch, a slut… Well, you get the picture. Every day he told me that he didn't need me, that I was just a fuck-toy foe him.

Please don't leave me
Please don't leave me
I always say how I don't need you
But it's always gonna come right back to this
Please, don't leave me

I put up with it for a month. Then, when I was almost out of the door, again, he came and begged me to stay. Again, I gave him a chance.

But he didn't stop.

The opposite actually, what used to be verbal abuse became physical: he started hitting me, kicking me, throwing me to the nearest wall. It was easy for him because I'm so small.

How did I become so obnoxious?
What is it with you that makes me act like this?
I've never been this nasty

Three months ago, the abuse got worse. He started cutting me with a kitchen knife, carving his name on my body. Yes, carving. I have his name written on my abdomen, my back and my forearm. You think that's bad? Two months ago he came home drunk, as usual. Usually he came home so late it was almost early, beat me up and pass out somewhere. That night was different. I don't know what had changed, all I know is that I can never forget what he did to me. That was the night I realized I had lost the man I loved forever.

What did he do?

He raped me.

Can't you tell that this is all just a contest?
The one that wins will be the one that hits the hardest
But baby I don't mean it
I mean it, I promise

He grabbed my hair and dragged me to our bedroom. He pushed me to the bed, literally ripped the clothes off my body and punched me when I tried to get away. I was down long enough for him to get rid of his own clothes before shoving himself to my mouth. I almost suffocated when he started thrusting into my mouth. After what seemed like forever to me, he came to my mouth and forced me to swallow everything I remember how I almost threw up because of the bitter taste. I didn't have time for throwing up though, he had already recovered and he was grabbing my wrist.

My left wrist, luckily.

I used my right hand to punch him to the face before getting up from the bed and running to the door. But Gin was too fast to recover. He had ran to catch me and in just a matter of seconds he had me pinned to the bed with my ass up in the air. I remember begging him to stop, I remember saying that I'd do anything if he'd just stop. I remember hearing him laugh before pushing into me. Without preparation, without even trying to loosen me before starting. After that I don't remember anything. No, actually I remember two things.

My own screaming

and the pain.

I don't know how long it lasted but when Gin was done, he pulled out of me and let me fall to the bed as an aching, crying and humiliated heap.

I forgot to say out loud how beautiful you really are to me

I can't be without, you're my perfect little punching bag

And I need you, I'm sorry

He laid down next to me, pulled me close and just listened to me as I cried.

"You're so pretty, my Lil'Shiro…"

I remember how it felt to cry to the shoulder of the same man who had just raped me. It was confusing. Hell, it still is. I hate him, I loathe him so much for what he did to me. But, at the same time, I love him so much it hurts.

After that I had an emotional breakdown. I didn't speak to any of my friends, I stopped going to work, I stopped doing anything. All I remember doing in the past two months is preparing myself for Gin, because I knew he wouldn't bother preparing me, he would just take me and pass out.

A hard kick brings me back to reality. I gasp, trying to catch my breath. Once I do, I hear him pass out and fall on the couch. I get up from the floor and go to the bathroom. I look at my reflection from the mirror. My face is covered in bruises, just like the rest of my body. There's blood in my hair, it really stands out from my white hair. I ruffle my hair and notice that some of the blood is already dry. I take the first-aid kit from the cabinet and patch myself up before going to our bedroom. I fall asleep quickly.

When I wake up, my whole body is aching. I have a hard time getting up ad sitting to the edge of our queen-size bed. I sit there for a while thinking before I decide.

This can't… No, this won't go on like this.

I get up as quickly as I can, get changed and pack my stuff. I get to the front door with my three bags before I hear footsteps coming from the living room.

"Lil'Shiro? Where are you going at this hour?" I hear Gin ask. I turn around to face him.

"Don't call me that, you lost that privilege a long time ago. And I'm leaving." I tell him, venom seeping in my voice. I zip my coat as Gin stares at me. I know what will come next.

"Leaving? As in, leaving me?"

I nod. He runs to me and falls to his knees right in front of me.

"Baby, please, think about this. Let's sit down and talk, I know we can talk this trou…"

I slap him. I don't say anything. I just pick up my bags and walk put. I can hear Gin yelling, begging me to come back.


No, don't leave me

Please don't leave me, oh no no no

I always say how I don't need you

But it's always gonna come right back to this

Please don't leave me

Please don't leave me

I know this isn't goodbye. I know I will go back to him once he gets over his drinking problem.


Because I love him.

Me: …I'm a terrible person…

Toshiro: You think?

Me:*cries* Uwaah, I'm so sorry Toshiro! And you too Gin!

Toshiro: Why are you apologizing him? He beat me up!

Gin: Shirooooo! Come back!

Me: That's why.

Toshiro: Oh. Why aren't you updating Mission High School by the way?

Me: Le writers block. I'll update as soon as I get an idea! Until the my dear readers!