Oregano, a New Girl fiction

I do not own New Girl. Reviews and prompts are always welcome!

"Where is my dried oregano? I cannot make deviled eggs without dried oregano!" Schmidt yells from the kitchen. He's forgotten his promise to keep cool and calm tonight. Jess is already stressing, because she's throwing her boss's birthday party, and the last birthday she had spent with her involved her doing drugs and almost kissing Schmidt. The same Schmidt that's freaking out because he can't find his oregano.

And people think she's weird.


She comes out from her bedroom, smoothing the wrinkles out of her dress. Nick is sitting on the couch. He sets his beer down to admire her outfit. Granted, he thinks the polka dots are a bit much, but it's a little short and her legs go on. He shouldn't stare. He has a girlfriend. A busy girlfriend who's looking for an intern and not spending her nights with him.

It kind of sucks.

Jess twirls, sending the ends of her dress flying up. He doesn't stare. Okay, so maybe he does stare, but his roommate is too busy freaking out about spices to notice. She stops, a little dizzy. She nearly trips over her feet into Nick's lap. Nearly.

If she asks, he's just counting polka dots. There is no way he's staring at her chest.

Even if it is totally in his face.

A knock sounds at the door. She stands straight. Nick closes his eyes and shakes his head. She is just a roommate. A really pretty roommate.

There was no way he had fallen for a girl in polka dots.

She opens the door, and there stands Cece. "Oh hey. Come on in." She doesn't notice how her best friend's eyes glance to check Schmidt out. It's only a slight flicker. Until Schmidt cries out once more for his dried oregano. Then it's much longer.

Nobody has to know she's looking for her own pleasure.

"How about you and Nick go get Schmidt his dried oregano?" Cece suggests to Jess. It's not right to kick her friend out of her own apartment. But if she's trying to get them together and wants some private time, why not kill two birds with one stone?

Nick downs the rest of his beer. "C'mon Jess. "

He grabs his car keys. Anything to get out of here. Especially if she's coming along for the ride.

At the store he passes by the candy display. Atomic Fireballs are on sale. Nick used to love them as a kid. And if he wants to survive this party, he's going to need something other than deviled eggs and finger sandwiches to eat.

In the car, Jess's stomach growls. He offers her some candy. She unwraps one and pops it in her mouth.

At a yellow light he starts to speed up. It turns red and he slams on the brakes. She flies back into her seat. The force causes her to choke on her Fireball.

She waves her arms around, gagging on the candy. He pulls into the nearest parking lot and proceeds to whack her on the back.

Three forceful hits later, the Fireball is dislodged. It hits the ground.

He makes a face (yes, the turtle one) and puts the car in drive.

"Thanks Nick."

Back at the apartment, they find Cece and Schmidt cutting up sandwiches. There's a small stack of (i.e. two) sandwiches on the tray in front of them.

"You two didn't get much accomplished while we were gone," Nick notices. He sets the bag on the counter. They eye each other and look back to him.

"He couldn't get over not having his stupid oregano." Cece rolls her eyes. Jess believes her. Clearly it wasn't because they were making out against the counter. (So very unsanitary, but Schmidt was too happy to care.)

He digs his hand into the bag. "Atomic Fireballs?"

"Yup." Jess swings an arm around Nick, trying to get him into a hug. "Nick here saved me from choking on his balls."

Winston picks this as the opportune time to enter the room.

"What's going on?" He wipes the back of his neck with his towel. He goes in the shower for ten minutes and now Jess is talking about choking on Nick's balls.

Please say that there is some logical explanation for this.

Or at least some explanation. Things in this apartment never are logical.

"Nick saved me from choking on his balls," she repeats. He removes her arm from around his waist.

"My Fireballs. Atomic Fireballs."

Winston looks him up and down.

"Right. I'm just going to go to my room and pretend that when I come out everybody will be normal." He walks away.

Nick runs a hand over his face. "Could you not tell everyone that you choked on my balls?"

On the other side of the door, Julia lowers her fist. She had been invited to the party, and although it was half an hour early, she figured she could have some quality time with her boyfriend before it started. And now her boyfriend is talking about someone who is definitely not her doing things that only she should be doing. She waits for the conversation to continue.

It doesn't, and all she hears is the sound of the knife hitting the cutting board. She stands there for a few minutes. Then she knocks. He lets her in, kissing her. Distractedly she looks around. She doesn't see Jess around anywhere.

"Where's Jess?" she asks.

"Helping Winston decorate. Apparently her boss loves balloons." Cece gives her a once over as she answers. She acts nothing like Jess. Her name should be Julia Night, because she's the complete opposite of Jess Day.

Jess Day, who should be with Nick. Not this chick he has his arm around.


When Jess busts into the chicken dance during the party, he doesn't mock her. He doesn't look away ashamedly, asking her what in the world she's doing. He dances along. He looks like he's having fun. Her brain can only register one thing.

I will never be her.


"Hey Julia! Aren't you having fun?" Jess asks. Julia uncrosses her legs and takes a sip of whatever is in her cup.

"Loads," she mutters sarcastically.

Jess smiles. "Glad to hear it." She dances away, looking for the guest of honor. She bops into Nick, who is headed their way. He smiles at her.

He sits next to Julia and begins to talk. She isn't listening. Over his shoulder she can see Jess laughing with a group of girls.

Why can't that be me?


Once the party is cleaned up (aside from a pile of balloons that will be popped later) she heads for the door. Nick grabs her by the arm.

"You aren't staying?" It's only seven. Plenty of time to get lucky.

"Headache," she lies. He goes to kiss her goodbye, but she turns her head. His lips graze her cheek.

She shuts the door behind her and Cece internally cheers. Now Jess and Nick can keep each other busy. But how does she leave, and return to Schmidt's bedroom without getting caught?

She glances to him, filling the sink with dish detergent. She walks over and runs her hand through the water. It splatters on his shirt. He grins.

"Cece, would you help me pop these balloons?" He turns the water off. "I think I have a few pins in my bedroom."

Winston hears the click of the door as he reaches for the scrubber and abandoned dirty dishes. He would say something. But it looks like Nick and Jess are more interested in each other then listening to what he has to say.

He too drops the scrubber. "I'm going to call Shelby and see if she wants to go out for drinks."

Neither of them respond. He's too busy looking into her eyes. And she's too busy staring back, because it may be possible that his hand accidentally grazed her butt when he sat down on the couch next to her.

Or it could have been on purpose. Not that Jess has to know.

Julia calls the next morning.

"We need to talk."

Somehow, he's okay with that.