How To Write Your Mary-Sue
5 Simple Rules on How To Take Care of Your Amazing, Super-Perfect, Super-Intelligent, Magical, Beautiful, Kind, Caring, I'm-Running-Out-Of-Synonyms-To-Describe-Puke-Worthy Character
So you wanna write a Mary-Sue in HP? Be it yet another clichéd parody or a story that started out wrong and will be abandoned to burn in flames, there'll always be a few simple guidelines to follow. And I, your Narrator, shall take you on a journey to write your Mary-Sue – and discover just how much you are hated by all along the way.
This work is different in that:
I do not put in the usual stuff about "Mary-Sues being perfect and flawless, since you already know that.
I actually put an acknowledgement in the summary to show my hatred of anybody whose fics I hate, which is a far classier way to express my feelings than an A/N that goes, "OMG I HATE MARY-SUES I HATE YOU I HATE THE WORLD etc."
I am writing it, and therefore it is awesomer than any other fic. EVER. (And, QQ, if you are reading this, please shut up and take that look off your face. Yes, RIGHT NOW.)
OK, after rambling on and sufficiently wasting your time, my Introduction is completed. Moving on!
How To Write Your Mary-Sue
(A/N: In order to make stuff clearer and avoid uneccesary use of vague pronouns (WOW. BIG WORDS. Ms Heng, aren't you proud of me?), I will assume that you are writing a Marauders-era story.)
1. Your Mary-Sue can never, ever do such a mundane thing as walking. Walking is for lower life forms – how could such an amazing, beautiful, kind, caring, etc – excuse me while I throw up – character do something like WALK? She can prance. She can waltz. She can stalk. She can flounce about it frilly skirts, even. But she is completely unable to walk properly – and somehow, you expect your readers to find that endearing.
2. Your Mary-Sue must be in a love triangle/ quadrangle/ triskaidecagon/ etc. After all, what's the point of having your awesome character if people don't fight over her? (Personally, I think ripping her up and giving her to each of the warring rivals-in-love would do the trick… I wonder why nobody else thinks so?) Also, this Mary-Sue MUST have at least two of the Marauders fighting over her, preferably either James (even though he has Lily), Remus or Sirius. Peter may be besotted with her as well, but will be given a lesser role since nearly everyone thinks that he is an evil, betraying rat.
3. Your Mary-Sue must, must, MUST have some kind of flaw. This is, so thinks the cunning author, so that people will go, "Aha! This compassionate, caring, delightful darling has a *gasp* FLAW! Oh, how could she possibly be a Mary-Sue?" and proceed to ravish her with wonderful reviews. Unfortunately for this cunning author, in the interests of maintaining a love triskaidecagon, this flaw invariably turns out to be superficial, or is adored by absolutely everyone – like Bella's clumsiness. (I never did like Bella. Silly girl. Every time I think of her surname I am reminded of the swans in the garden that used to attack anyone who got close to their pond.)
4. Your Mary-Sue must have lots of ANGST. Since these authors are generally teenagers looking to escape from their so-called "teenage depressions", "cynical views on life's futility" and "rebellion against authority" (i.e. "emo-ness", "inability to find any good drug dealers" and "needing to look cool by abusing my own parents so that the boy next door will suddenly develop a crush on me due to my determination and strength of will"), she will take it out on these characters. Sirius suddenly starts bursting into tears, Remus attempts to commit suicide, your Mary-Sue is overwhelmed and acts like the hormonal (but sexy) person she is supposed to be, and the whole fic turns into an attempt to get into the Guinness Book of Records for "Most Number of People Crying Simultaneously"4. by chapter three.
5. When your Mary-Sue finally gets together with Remus/ Sirius/ James, the rating will suddenly change from a K to M. In order to show how awesome your pairing is, you will make your characters have SEX. LOTS OF SEX. IN VIVID, FRAME-BY-FRAME, SLO-MO description, so as to ensure that everyone understands that your Mary-Sue and your fave character has HAD SEX, in case they are idiots who did not understand the first paragraph, "I was lying together with *insert name* on the bed, when he suddenly turned to face me. My breath caught in my throat. He was *insert soppy description, then make things get heated.*". Remember to use the words "heated length" and "hard cock" repeatedly.
OK, I'm done! Whew! Love me, flame me, whatever. Just remember: I'll be checking your stories. I like, I support you forever, until you write a story where an OC gets together with an actual character. Then I'll read it, and chances are, it'll tick all the boxes here. And if they don't… then I'll just have to parody you, then.
Until my next parody,
Your grateful servant,
A/N: "Why RLSB Saved The World"will be coming soon. Stay tuned! (Unless you hate me. But that doesn't count.