Red vs. Blue...vs. Green

Story Three: Cheat Code

Chapter One: You Just Got Shitfaced!

Greetings readers. Story Three is one that I have been really looking forward to writing because of the more action-oriented pace and the evolution of the plot. Even though the evolution doesn't get fleshed out in Story One, it does however begin to open up more questions. Please enjoy and review as always!

If you were new to Blood Gulch then you might not have noticed it at first. If however, you had been there a while; you would be confused as to how a totem pole had appeared on the top of one of the cliffs. Even more confusing is why the artist decided to carve Spartans in it. Five to be precise, and moving ones at that. You would then realise that it wasn't a totem pole when you noticed the sixth Spartan climbing up the others...with great difficulty I might add.

Enemy slipped as he tried to get a footing on Phill's knee. "Hey! Watch where you're climbing!" complained Phill. Being the third man up, he was in serious danger of not only hurting himself in the fall, but being crushed by the idiots above him.

"Just hold still!" shouted Enemy, holding onto The Commander's foot as he adjusted his footing. "Keep your knee steady." He said.

"He he, that's not my knee." Laughed Phill cheekily.

"Eww, dude. In your dreams."

"You mean 'In your dreams'."

"You're fucking hilarious, Phill. I knew you were a full-time soldier, but I think you're overburdening yourself also being a full-time arsehole."

"Both of ya, shut up!" ordered The Commander. "Take a lesson from Name; he's been holding us all up this whole time and he hasn't complained once."

Name hated them all right now, with a passion unlike before. Enough said.

"That's because he can't talk, moron." Challenged Enemy.

'Okay,' thought Name, 'maybe he didn't hate Enemy as much now.'

"Oh, would you look at that!" swooned The Commander sarcastically. "I've got some shit on my boot. Think I'll just kick it off!"

"Alright! Fine, I'm going! I'm going!" Enemy began climbing once more, making his way above The Commander.

"I must say, I'm enjoying this you guys." Encouraged Parts ecstatically. "You guys are great to work with."

"Yeah, whatever." Said Phill.

"I've definitely had fun under you, Phill. Has anyone told you that you look really nice from this angle?"

"Uhh...suddenly, I have the urge to let us all fall down and die."

"That would be nice." Droned Snot.

"What are you complaining about, Snot?" questioned Enemy, climbing onto Snot's shoulders. 'You're second from the top; you only have to hold onto me."

"It's a hobby." Admitted Snot.

"Man, it's getting sweaty inside my armour right now. I've got half a mind to take it all off right now." Said Parts.

"Enemy, hurry the goddamn hell up!" shouted Phill.

"My balls are just itching for a scratch."

"Why was I stationed here?" squeaked Phill.

Enemy had reached the top. He peered over the top of the canyon at the horizon beyond. He stared in awe, taking it all in.

"Enemy, report." Said The Commander. "What do you see?"

"I see..." he began, but was unable to finish. He tried again; "I see...more canyons."

"Did he just say more canyons?" asked Phill. "As in 'box canyons'?"

"Yeah. Hundreds."

"That's it." said Snot. "I'm jumping now."

"Belay that. There must be some way out of here." Thought The Commander.

"Unless your plan involves us asking everyone else in those canyons to build an even bigger totem pole that reaches back to Earth, I wouldn't get so confident." Said Enemy. "Besides, we're all safe here. I say we just tell Command that the area is secured and we require extraction, get someone else to take over. Someone who can deal with tediousness. Now get me the hell down from here."

Slowly but surely, the totem pole shrank back down to just Name. The soldiers considered their position and finally agreed that Enemy's suggestion was right.

"We've considered our position and agree that my suggestion was right." Said The Commander.

"Wait, your suggestion?" queried Enemy.

"I will call Command for a swap 'n' drop and let someone else take over this puppy. Hopefully we'll be gone by the end of the week, so I want all seven of us to be packed by day four. I know that will be harder for some."

"I need help taking apart my grand piano." Said Parts.

"Okay, first of all it was Enemy's idea." Said Phill. "Second of all, there are only six of us here."

"By my count, standing right here, there are seven." Said The Commander.

"No, there are six. Look, I'll count us right here. I'm one, you're two, three, four, five, six, seven. Wait...what?"

Everyone jumped back when they noticed the soldier in the brown armour standing beside Enemy. Especially Enemy. "Oh shit! Damn man, I just crapped bricks. What's your problem?"

"Wow, that replacement got here fast. I didn't even call Command." Admired The Commander.

"Sir, I don't think that this guy is from Command." Said Phill, slightly worried.

"Why not?"

"For that reason you just said."

"What reason?"

"You didn't call Command."

"Why didn't I call Command?"

"Because you didn't have enough time."

"When did the end of time happen?"


Enemy edged closer to the new arrival tentatively, hand reaching out half to shake hands, half to defend himself should the need arise. "Hey guy...or girl. What's your name...or your star sign? How did you get here so fast? What are you here for?"

The Spartan turned from figure to figure, surveying them, profiling them before settling its attention on Name. For a moment, the two stared silently at each other.

Name found this attribute familiar. He himself had practised this strategy in basic, and later in his covert operation years. This was the kind of action someone would take when deciding who the alpha fighter of the group was and take them out. Even as he thought this, the Spartan drew its pistol, kicking Name off the edge of the cliff, and shot him several times as he plummeted down to the ground.

"Name!" shouted Phill, shocked. The Spartan turned to fire upon Phill, but was jumped upon by The Commander who held him tight around the neck.

"Get your arses out of here! Run!" he shouted, struggling to keep hold as the Spartan swung him from side to side. Phill, Enemy, Snot and Parts ran for their lives. Well, Snot walked. They reached the bottom of the cliff, deciding to make a runner to blue base, but Enemy went back to check on Name.

"What? Are you crazy?" shouted Phill. "The Commander's not gonna keep him occupied for long!"

"Just get these two to safety!" Enemy shouted back. "I'll get there ASAP!" He ran as fast as he could, keeping an eye on the struggle atop the cliff. The Commander still had a tight hold around the Spartan's neck. From this distance it seemed almost like a rodeo of a strange and demented kind.

The Commander really, really wanted to throw up. He almost felt joy when the Spartan flipped him over his head and onto the ground, ending their wrestling match. This was it, the end, but he wouldn't run. He wouldn't complain. The Spartan raised his gun eye-level at The Commander. "Is that all you got?" he asked, but the Spartan only cocked his head to the side in response. "Who are you?" he asked. This time, the only response received was the small calibre bullet that entered his skull.

Enemy sat back, mid-shock. Name was dead. He just couldn't believe it; all the time they'd spent together, all the things they'd been through and to have it all end like this. Oh well, shame really. Can't be helped. That's when Enemy heard the single gunshot from the cliff and in that moment he knew that The Commander was also dead. If he didn't want to end up like them, he'd better start running...which he did immediately, cursing one word continuously as he did.

Phill, Snot and Parts arrived at Blue base, huffing and tired. "Damn." complained Phill, out of breath. "I...haven't run...three years."

"Yeah." Agreed Snot. "That's...a lot run."

"Next supply drop," said Parts, "I'm requisitioning us all some short shorts. Breezy ones too."

"Hey! Guys! Wait up for me!" came Enemy's voice from across the canyon. Phill, Snot and Parts looked up to see the small figure running over the hills towards them. All of a sudden, someone began shooting at him, the sniper rounds just barely scraping his armour as he weaved and ducked to avoid them.

"Oh my God!" shouted Parts. "Who would want to kill Enemy?"

"That's just like playing twenty questions...only with seven billion possibilities." Said Phill. "Hurry up and keep your head down!"

Enemy had reached the last hill when Phill shouted out to him. He didn't hear what he'd said, so Enemy stuck his head up and asked; "What?" This is how he was killed by a shot to the chest. "Why?" he shouted. "Why didn't you tell me to keep my head down?"

"Just die you dumb bastard!" shouted Phill back to him. Suddenly, the sniper began shooting at the entrance where Phill, Snot and Parts are standing. "Son of a bitch! Get inside!" He turned around and noticed the absence of Parts and Snot. He scurried into the base where he found them standing and chatting casually. "Why did you guys leave me out there?"

"Well, the whole going inside thing when there's a sniper about was a given." Said Snot. "I mean, who stands outside in the open and waits for a sniper to shoot them?"

"Ooh! I love games!" jumped Parts. "Uh...Is it you?" he pointed at Snot.

"Yeah." Droned Snot, almost happily. "Yeah, you're right."

"Look," began Phill, "you guys just stay calm-"

"We're not even panicking."

"-and I'll radio Command. I am after all the ranking officer n...Hmm...Excuse me." Phill left the room. Snot and Parts could hear him as he walked round the back and up the ramp onto the roof. "Uh, hey! Mister Brown-Shooting Guy?" BANG! "Okay, thanks for letting me know I have your attention. Just wanted to say that I thank you for killing our Sergeant. He was a jackass and we're all better off without him. I don't have a fruit basket or assorted soaps on me or anything, but if we ever get out of this canyon I can give you cash. Once again; thank you...oh, and also, can you please not kill us?" BANG! "Yeah, I knew it was kinda a lot to ask. Okay, well, I'll be go-" BANG! BANG! BANG! Phill jumped back into the base through the hole, scared as all hell as the bullets kept hitting the base loudly. He turned to Parts and Snot. "Umm...he says 'no problem'."

"Right, well as far as I can figure;" began Phill many hours later, "we don't have long before Browncoat out there gets tired of waiting and decides to take on us three specially trained soldiers head-on...which will ultimately leave us dead. We don't stand a chance."

"I enjoy these pep talks." Sighed Parts. "I will miss them when I am dead."

"That makes one of us." Spat Snot. "Look, I'm all for wallowing here in our last moments wondering 'what life would be like if my girlfriend hadn't had a dick-"

"Aren't we all." Muttered Phill.

"I'm not." Said Parts. "It was one of her redeeming qualities. That and her sticky-out belly button and sticky-out Adam's apple."

"-but," shouted Snot. "I really don't see why you guys should get killed along with me. We should at least try to save you."

"Wow, all this time and I thought you were just a mass emo-er." Said Phill, not very confidently.

"Hey, I have a heart...and that's not a correct term."


"Is there really nothing that we have to defend ourselves?"

"There's always our guns...but hey, I mean when have they ever actually done any damage? To others I mean."

Parts began hopping from foot to foot, hand raised high in the air. "Ooh! Ooh! I have the answer! I have the answer!"

"What is the answer, Parts?"

"...Sorry, what was the question again?"

Phill sighed, "Can you think of anything we can use to defend ourselves?"

"And what was my answer gonna be?"

"I-I don't know! You just started hopping and waving your hand in the air!"

"Ah, that must mean I had a really good answer. I'm sure it was nice."

"Is it just me," began Phill, "or does shit like this happen all the time?"

"It's all part of life." Responded Snot.

"Right now, I see life as the guitar with five strings. You can't afford to buy the sixth, even though you can live without it, but it just doesn't sound good at all."

"I see life like a guy sitting at his computer watches youtube videos that run for about three minutes every week in a series of linked stories."

"Yeah...or reads an online story about kinda the same thing except it's over...what? Nine or ten pages for every chapter."

"You guys realise you're being uncannily detailed in your descriptions, right?" asked Parts. "I can't even get a word in edgewise about that thing we can use as a weapon that I found in the caves."

"What?" shouted Phill. "Tell me about it!"

"I was walking through the caves one day..."


"...when I saw this thing in there..."


"...and it looks like it can be used as a weapon."

"You're telling me exactly what you said before, just in a more suck-ier way."

"That's all I know about it. I haven't had time to analyse it, what with all the killing. Here, you can take a look." He said, taking out the little green medical scanner. Phill took it, looking it over. His face dropped so suddenly that you could almost see it through his helmet.

"This is a-Wait. You already have two weapons. Where the hell were you keeping this one?"

"I always keep a spare weapon wedged between my cheeks for emergence situations; like going to the shower in prison. But not always." He concluded with a grin. Phill stared for a moment, death holding the gun.

"You can hold this, Snot." He said handing the scanner to Snot.

"Yippee." Droned Snot as usual.

"As I was saying before I regretted asking the question," began Phill, "this isn't a weapon; it's a medical scanner."

"We can scan his armour for any weaknesses and exploit them." Said Snot.

"I have a better idea." Interrupted Phill. "We can overload the scanner so that it either shoots out a beam of energy and disables Brownout when he attacks or explodes, taking him out in the explosion."

"Won't that be like a Dead Man's Switch? One of us will have to be holding that thing when it goes off." Thought Snot.

"Do you want to do it?" asked Phill.

"No, I never liked the colour green. It sickens me. It's the last thing I want killing me."

"Then why did you join Green army?"

"Listen, you tell me why and I'll let you kill me yourself."

"Well, I don't wanna die." Said Phill. They both turned to Parts who was looking eagerly up at them.

"I'll do it. Besides, then I can be like Freddie Mercury and whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa explode! I'm burnin' through the sky! Two hundred degrees, that's why they call me Mister Fahrenheit-"

"Okay, stop it." said Phill.

"Don't stop me! Don't stop me! Hey, hey!"

"Shut up-"

"Don't stop me! Don't stop me! Ooh, ooh, ooh!" Parts was stopped when a grenade dropped down from above between the trio. "Hey look, a spider." Squeaked Parts.

"Get to cover!" shouted Phill, pushing Parts back and finding cover with Snot. BANG!

The Brown Spartan walked around the room, scanning the smoke. There were no soldiers in sight, none alive at least. They must've all been killed in the explosion.

"Hey Brown-Eyed Bitch." Came a voice behind him, followed by the cock of a rifle. "You didn't think we'd go to pieces like that, did ya? Turn around." The Spartan complied, facing the two soldiers who both had their rifles trained at his head.

"Nice insult." Complimented Snot. "And I liked that 'gone to pieces' thing you said after."

"I've been writing stuff down like that in case we get into these situations." Admitted Phill. "It's how I've kept my sanity these past few months." They both returned to their captive. "Who are you and why are you trying to kill us?"

"I think you already know the answer to that question." Said the Spartan.

"Uh, no. That's kinda why we're asking it. How else will we find things out about you? For example, how do we know if you're a man? You could be some kind of woman using a voice filter...or some kind of part woman, part shark."

"I'm a man, one that you shouldn't have pissed off."

Look, you must have us mistaken for some other Green soldiers." Said Snot. "We've never left this canyon yet and I don't think we've ever met a guy in Brown before."

"You won't ever again, I'll make sure of that."

"Really?" mocked Phill. "And how the hell are you gonna do that at gunpoint?" Suddenly, both Phill's gun and Snot's gun disappeared. "What the hell?"

"How did he do that?" asked Snot. "They just vanished."

"Great, our first prisoner and he turns out to be Harry Fucking Houdini." Phill and Snot raised their hands when they noticed the Spartan had his pistol trained on both of them. "Don't worry, Snot. He can't take us both out at the same time."


"No. He'll probably do it one after the other."

"...Gee, that's a confidence builder."

"What do you want from me? We're gonna die, I'm just being a realist."

"You're being a dickhead is what you're being."

"Shut up and get shot." The Spartan readied himself for the execution. "Well, this is it buddy. I hope you get shot last-"


"-that way I don't have to deal with the horror if watching you die first."

"Well, I won't have to deal with that either."

"Son of a bitch."

"Both of you, shut up! You're so goddamn annoying!"

"You ain't seen nothing yet!" shouted Parts from behind the Spartan who turned to face the newcomer. "Say hello to my little green friend!"

"He he, sounds like a diseased penis." Chuckled Phill.

"You'd know all about that, wouldn't you?" burned Snot.

The Spartan took his aim, but Parts was too quick; pulling the trigger sending out a small green ball at the pistol and knocking it out of his hands. Parts looked around. "I did it." he mumbled, then more confidently; "I did it!" Then he was punched across the room. "I don't understand!" he moaned. "I did it!"

"Hold the trigger in longer next time!" ordered Phill. The Spartan rounded on the two remaining threats in the room. "Uh-oh. Ready for an arse-whipping, Snot?"

"Yes and no. Who can really prepare for something like thi-" that was when he was punched in the face.

"Well, you're doing good so far." Admitted Phill. He tried for a punch which landed right in the Spartan's face. "Yeah! Headshot!" Then Phill was punched. "Uncle! Uncle!" Whereupon he was grabbed by the belt. "Uncool man! Not cool!" And smashed face-first into the wall. "Not-" Smash! "-cool!" Smash! "Help!" Smash! "If I weren't wearing a helmet, I would be so mad right now!" Smash! Then the smashing stopped, and Phill was left in the wall. Snot however had jumped onto the Spartan.

"How do you like me now? How do you like me now? Seriously though, do you like me?" The Spartan shook Snot off, preparing to stamp on his face. Luckily, Phill had pulled himself from the wall and kicked the Spartan in the back, sending him forwards into the wall. Phill helped Snot off the floor.

"We'll take him together. Just try not to get killed."

"All right, but no promises." Snot agreed, then they both faced the Spartan who was waiting for them.

Parts shook off the dizziness and watched as Phill and Snot put up what little a fight they could. It seemed to go well in the first minute; both tag teamed to take down the Spartan, but by the next minute, the Spartan had grown used to this kind of attack pattern and was close to taking them both out. Parts knew he had to do something now, or else his team mates would end up dead.

"Phill!" shouted Snot from under the Spartan's foot. "I don't think can keep up with the not getting killed for much longer!"

"Yeah." Choked Phill in a stranglehold. "I don't think so either."

The Spartan pushed down harder on Snot's helmet, ready to squash it like a tomato. He choked Phill harder, swearing he could see the armour turning blue. Both were about to die when-

"Uh, guys." Said the small tentative voice. All three looked up to see Parts holding the scanner which was glowing brightly and shaking violently. "How long am I supposed to hold down this trigger?"

"Parts! Let it go!" choked Phill. "Let it go right now!" The Spartan turned to Parts, stunning him with a look of death. Parts couldn't hear the orders, he couldn't even remember what he was doing. He was frozen stiff. The Spartan dropped the exhausted Phill and released Snot from his foothold and rounded on the shaking private.

"Parts! Run!" shouted Snot.

"You guys get out of here!" shouted Parts. "Go, get out!" The Spartan held Parts up by the chest plate, forcing him back into the wall and trying to grab at the scanner which Parts kept just out of reach. "Run! I can take him against a wall!"

"Seriously? Come on, let's go." Phill grabbed Snot and they both ran from the base. Neither of them looked back as the explosion killed Parts and destroyed the base. They just sat in stunned silence for a moment as the rubble burned. "Seriously?" asked Phill. "Couldn't have just left that last double entendre alone."

"Consistent to the end." Admired Snot.

Phill looked past Snot to the moving remains of Enemy. Well, the half dead remains of Enemy. "Snot, you stay here and out of sight. I'm gonna go check on Enemy."

"Why do I have to stay behind cover?"

"Because in these kinds of movies, the bad guy isn't really dead."

"Great, we're going by movie logic."

"Just stay down. I'll be right back. Oh, damn it!"


"I just said the taboo line."

"What's the taboo line?"

"It's the line that people who are about to die say when they're about to die."

"I'll be right back. There, I said it. I'm gonna die. Now hurry up and check on Enemy you superstitious bastard."

Phill leaned down next to Enemy, who was fading into unconsciousness. "Hey buddy. Wake up. Enemy!"

"What? I'm awake. Phill?" asked Enemy in a slur, obviously tired. "He shot me. Am I gonna die?"

"No, I am."

"How can you be sure?"

"I said the taboo line."

"Oh. Why don't you just try to reverse it?"

"You can reverse it?"

"Yeah, I do it all the time. That's probably why I'm not dead. Come on, help me get some medical attention."

"Wait, how do I undo it?"

"I'll explain later. Oh no!"


"That's another taboo line."

"Just tell me how to reverse the taboo and we'll both do it together."


"Hey, Parts was the guy with the double entendres and he's dead! And besides, this is serious business."
"Yeah, okay."

"Just tell me."

"Fine. What you do is-" and then Enemy was shot, rolling back down the hill. "You said you'd die first! You lied to me you son of a bitch!" Enemy promptly died.

"No! I needed the taboo reversal!" shouted Phill but he too was shot, the bullet impacting his shoulder. Phill fell to the ground, bleeding out. He began crawling towards Red base when he noticed the shadow on the ground next to him. Phill rolled over coming face to face with the Spartan and his pistol. "Why? What did we ever do to deserve this? Wait, don't answer that question. Let me think of a better one. Umm...nope, can't think of one. Just shoot me, please."

"Kill me once, shame on you."




"Tell your just got Shitfaced."

Snot watched as the Spartan walked across the canyon towards him, having only just shot Phill in the face. He didn't try to run as the figure approached him, neither did he cry. Snot had been waiting for this moment a very long time and he was going to accept it with the grace and dignity he deserved.

The Spartan stood facing the last of the Green soldiers with an air of occasion. His mission was almost complete, a mission he himself had created and executed for his own ends. This had been so easy, but he had enjoyed every minute of it. Not as much enjoyment, however, as he was having right now. He aimed his pistol at Snot, just taking in the feeling of victory.

"What are you waiting for?" asked Snot. "You killed my friends and now you're here to kill me. Don't let me get in the way of that. Unless you'll kill me if I do, in which case; I'm in your way, kill me." The Spartan paused again, not moving. "Just hurry up and shoot me! You armour looks like shit. Seriously, it looks like you spray painted it with liquid shit and then took a nosedive down a septic tank. Okay, you're angry, kill me." The Spartan squeezed the trigger slightly. Snot closed his eyes, a tear of joy streaming down his cheek. Freedom...


"What? That's it? What the fuck kind of death is that? Hey, I'm talking to you!" he yelled after the Spartan who was walking towards the one remaining base in Blood Gulch. "I'm not even dead! You just shot the ground! Come back and do it right; one between the eyes is all I ask! Don't leave me!" Snot collapsed to the ground, more tears streaming down his cheeks. "I wanna die..."


Yep, that's it. That's the end. Catch another ending at Gullibles Weekly.

Just kidding, as you can probably tell. The question still stands; how will the story continue on without five of the six main characters? Find out in the next chapter with even more action, deaths, mayhem, madness and furry animals.

A special shout out to Sitar Hero and don't go away. The next chapter 'In Your Face' isn't too far away. Thanks for reading and don't forget to review!