All That I
Disclaimer: I don't own HP or any of these characters. That belongs to JKR, Scholastic Books, Warner Brothers, etc.

Part I: Need

Ignoring you is not possible so I look up and across the room. There you are smiling and laughing, with her. You don't even see me. Of course you know that I'm here—we're such good friends even though you're now with her. Yet when you're together with her, I might as well not exist for all the attention you give to me.

It's all right.

I'm not angry. Of course, it hurts. Sometimes seeing you happy without me makes it so hard to breathe but I won't die.

When I was younger, I thought you had to have your love returned to be happy, that it was saying 'I love you' that made the feeling true. I loved fairy tales, where the princess would always get her prince. I thought that you would be my knight in shining armor, clichéd though that may be. So during that summer after you first got together with her, I cried daily in my room. It was incomprehensible that I could love someone with all my heart and soul yet that love would go forever unacknowledged. If anyone had asked me before, I would have told them that my love was true but during that summer, I started to doubt it. How could a love be true if was ignored by all but me?

My mother took me aside one day and told me that I was wrong. Love wasn't mere words, she said, but a reality in and of itself. I asked her how I would know if my love was true. She told me if I could let my love go, then it was real. I know that she was saying that I should move on and let go of my love for you but that is something that I simply cannot do.

You can't let go of what you never had.

That's perfectly fine. I can't ever let go of you because I never had you and never will but I love you all the same. Though I might wish otherwise, there's nothing I can do to change what you feel. Despite my love being unrequited, I am not mad at either you or her.

When you first fell in love with her, I thought that surely I would not be able to stand seeing you two together, day after day, infatuated with one another. That fear of mine never came to pass. I thought I would take my hurt out on you when I saw you again in September but that has not happened yet. I never expected this but watching you two together makes me smile because I see that you're so happy. It does hurt not to be the object of your affections but it's not unbearable. It's hard to describe the pain—it's like a fluttering in my chest that I cannot seem to get rid off. I am fine though and I'll be okay. The pain does not matter to me.

I can stand this pain although it's my constant companion. I can stand being left alone. I can stand being left outside the circle of those you most adore. Like any who love, there's the pressure to push myself into your field of vision but it's far easier to resist that urge than I ever would have imagined. My love for you lets me do all this.

I think there's many more types of love than the one my mother described. I think there are as many loves as there are thoughts and dreams under the sky. My love for you is but a single dream. It's inconsequential to all but me. No one else will ever know it and I can live with that. It's strange but I don't need it to be reciprocated.

I don't have to have been with you to know that I love you. I don't have to hear those words grace the air. I don't have to let you go to know it's true. No matter what happens, no matter what choices you may make, the truth will always be that I love you.

I don't have to tell you the words. Your smiling face is enough reason to keep breathing. Jealousy has no place in what I feel. I can watch you with her, her head resting on your shoulder, red hair merging with deepest black, and smile. I would love to be the one you adored but if that's not possible, I'll have no regrets so long as you don't.

You see, I don't need your love to survive. Just so long as you love someone who loves you back, that's enough for me. I don't have to have you by my side. You're still alive in spite of everything that you've had to face. That's what counts in the end. I don't want you above all things. I'd rather be sad forever than see you blue. I would rather never see you again than have to see your emerald eyes cloud up with tears. I'm content with just watching you across the room, even though you're with someone else.

You're alive and happy.

That's all that I need.




Author's note—I should have the next part up maybe tomorrow and who knows when part three will come up. I hope you did enjoy this fic. Please leave a review with any comments or remarks that you might have. Thank you.