Author's Note: I always enjoyed this parody and intended to finish it, and I've been in the mood to write something silly after the months I have spent toiling over a science-fiction novel in which people get murdered left, right and centre, and so I thought this story was ripe for a rewrite. Pop culture has come a long way since I originally posted this story in 2007, and hopefully I am wittier just shy of twenty-four than I was at the age of nineteen. As long as there is bad fan fiction in the world, there I will be, cruelly mocking it for kicks. Please note that this is a parody, and that I absolutely will be making fun of Twilight.
Chapter one - Teh Wangst!
Once upon a time, in a land named England that was far, far away from America, but where everybody still spoke with American accents and used American slang, there lived a young witch named Lily Evans, who was a seventh year Gryffindor student at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Lily Evans was an intelligent, caring, witty and sensible young woman, who also happened to be utterly ravishing. Her hair was the colour of blood, her eyes were akin to giant emerald orbs of beauty, her skin was as white as the purest snow and she had a magnificent body, with curves in all the right places, kind of like Blake Lively's, but even better. Seriously, it was as if Blake and Karen Gillan had morphed into one stunningly beautiful redhead, but with slimmer legs and even perkier breasts. Lily attained outstanding marks in every single exam she sat, or essay she completed, and she had many amazing talents, too numerous to list.
You, dear reader, might think that life for Lily Evans was a bed of fresh rose petals, but alas, she had ABUSIVE PARENTS, and spent her endlessly empty days wallowing in the depths of deep, deep, deepest despair. Lily's mother, Rosemary, was an Avon lady, who refused to let Lily stay out after eleven at night during the summer holidays, and her father, Fred, couldn't afford to buy her an iPhone 4S even though all the other kids had one and it was just so totally unfair, like, what kind of parents did that to their own children? Lily also had an older sister named Petunia who had a full-time job and could afford her own iPhone 4S, and also, she had once, like, totally thrown Lily's Spice Girls lunch box under a bus one day when they were children just to be nasty, and she would never agree to buy alcohol for Lily because Lily was not legally of age to drink. It was the most depressing family situation ever, and nobody understood her, and Lily was like, totally on the brink of depression.
As with most girls in similar situations, Lily thought that the best way to deal with her pain and emotional hollowness was to wear a straggly, mousy brown wig, brown contact lenses, large spectacles, and a fat suit under her school robes, in order to hide her beauty. In Lily's mind, it was her beauty that was the cause of all of her heartache, not her own selfishness or adolescent stupidity. She also threw herself into her studies and had no friends, like, ever. Friends were like, so last decade and in this bourgeois society people didn't need friends and like, Lily just wished that someone would love her for her, and not for her looks, and people were superficial and only concerned with material things. Also, everyone else at Hogwarts had the new iPhone 4S and Lily was totally jealous of those bitches.
So anyway, one morning, Lily was shuffling down the hallways and crying to herself because she had spent an hour drawing scars on her arms with a red Sharpie because she wanted attention and sympathy, but nobody had noticed, when she saw the most sexiest and most popular boys in the whole entire school, the Marauders. The Marauders comprised of three seventh year Gryffindors: Remus Lupin, Sirius Black and James Potter. There was no real reason for anybody to call them 'The Marauders' save for the fact that they invented a map of the school this one time that would aid them in marauding, and didn't tell anybody else about it, but somehow everybody knew without knowing and called them 'The Marauders' anyway. There used to be another Marauder named Peter Pettigrew, but he vanished one day and nobody bothered to look for him. The end.
Remus Lupin owned the most sexiest and most popular books in school. He read all day long, often bumping into walls, other students, and toilet cisterns. In fact, Remus Lupin only ever stopped reading in order to eat chocolate, which was like, a cure for Dementor angst, although there weren't any Dementors at Hogwarts. Everything else that Remus ever did, which mostly consisted of making comments that weren't intelligent at all, but were assumed to be because he used a lot of long words, was done whilst reading. Remus was super studious and did really well in school and all of the teachers loved him. But, alas! Remus was also a werewolf! This made him freakishly strong, slightly evil when full moon was coming up, and horny all the time. His favourite author was John Steinback, and he was easily manipulated by people with a strong sense of themselves.
Sirius Black was one of those giddy, irritating and freakishly happy guys that most girls cannot stand, but that didn't stop him from bedding every girl in school, including McGonagall, although Sirius generally didn't have time for the ugly ones. Sirius was extra sexy, you see, even though he constantly acted like a hyperactive two year old, due to the fact that he had long hair, and callously neglected the school rules by wearing studded leather jackets instead of his Hogwarts robes. He loved sugary foods. He loved sugary foods so fucking much, man. He also loved shaking his sexy hair a lot, and he loved having sex with Remus, who was his One True Love. Sirius Black had the most sexiest and most popular everything on earth.
James Potter was Lily's secret love, and had the most sexiest and most popular Quidditch toned muscles in the history of the entire world. He was the only person on earth who was allowed to wear glasses in this story and still be irresistibly sexy, and he liked to sleep with lots of girls. However, James was a real sensitive guy inside, who was just looking for that special someone. His special someone would be an intelligent, caring, witty and sensible young woman, who also happened to be utterly ravishing. Her hair would the colour of blood, her eyes would be like giant emerald orbs, her skin would be as white as the purest snow and she would have to have a magnificent figure with curves in all the right places, kind of like Blake Lively's but better. So far, James had never met a girl like that.
Anyway, the Marauders were walking down the corridor and James bumped into Lily. Nobody ever saw Lily for some reason, even though she was a real, solid human being, and the fat suit she insisted upon wearing all of the time made her appear quite gigantic. Seriously. She had to sit at her own bench in Potions class.
"Watch it, girl I've never seen in my life even though I've been here for over six years!" shouted James grandly, pushing her cruelly away. Lily fell on the floor and cried softly, because her disguise had stripped her of all confidence and she was dying inside. The Marauders walked on along the corridor, laughing because they were Marauders and the girl James had just shoved over was fat, and appearances were everything in the hallways of Hogwarts.
"I want to shag someone," said James, who prided himself on reinforcing the totally untrue myth that men think about sex every seconds.
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Ooh, pretty window. Woohoo! Here comes the airplane!" Sirius shouted, his voice somewhat obscured by the six lollipops he had in his mouth. "I mean, ahem, are you Sirius?"
"No," James snickered, overcome by this wildly intelligent joke. "You are!"
Sirius roared laughing because it was the funniest thing ever.
"Haha! Sirius, you and I, we're so witty!" James replied. "Yes, I want to shag someone. Hang on, what's an airplane?"
"Commonwealth. The inarticulate behavioural patterns of hypochondriacs the world over. Consequential," said Remus, not looking up from his book. James and Sirius were bowled over by his brilliance, and neither could speak.
Just then, Bellatrix Black walked out into the corridor, having come from the bathroom. She took one look at the Marauders and rolled her eyes at their idiocy. James, Sirius and Remus all froze in shock at this horrifying new development. Bellatrix was a Slytherin, which meant that she always had to be plotting something untoward and complicated, something that would clearly involve a lot of time, energy and effort, and climax in the unfortunate murder of James' mother or something, and not doing something as simple and innocent as leaving the bathroom to go to class. Bellatrix did not like the Marauders and had no time for them, so she simply walked off in the opposite direction. This, if anything, was a sign that dark things were to come in the very near future.
"This means WAR!" Sirius screamed after Bellatrix's retreating back. Then, recovering himself, he tipped an entire pound of sugar directly into his mouth and looked to James, his Best Friend Forever.
"Who do you want to shag? Ooh hoo hoooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!"
"Dunno," said James, who wasn't fussy. "Someone random?"
"Why do you want to fornicate with a random person when you could be studying, pranking the school, sneaking down to the kitchens for a slice of treacle tart or reading about economical budgerigar pottery wheel emotives, and Lady Gaga's venereal development landfill site?" said Remus, turning a page. James shrugged. Sirius suddenly jumped about ten feet into the air and turned to them both.
"How about a bet? Hehehehehehehehehehehe!" he cried in delight. "If you can find an ugly, disgusting girl and convince her to get a makeover, become popular and have sex, HAHAHAHAHAHAHA I SAID SEX, with you in the space of a day, I'll give you a thousand Galleons because, in spite of the fact that I'm basically homeless after defecting from my lunatic family, I have that kind of money lying around in my sock drawer."
"Huzzah!" James leapt into the air and kicked his heels together. "I'll take that bet. What girl should I pick?"
"Statistical analysis and proportional representation," said Remus.
"You're right, Remus, this idea is cruel and horrible, but I'll do it anyway," said James. "Hey, I'll use that girl I just bumped into earlier!" He ran off to find Lily and shag her brains out.
Ooh! A cliff-hanger! How will it end! Will James have sex with Lily? Will Lily finally show her true beauty? Will we ever understand what Remus is talking about? What dark plot could Bellatrix Black be hatching? Will Sirius freak out when he runs out of sugar? Will Peter ever turn up again, and does anyone really care? Find out in the next thrilling instalment of Totally Hawt Potter Love: The Rewrite!