Tingle Vs. Evil Dog
Evil Dog licks his right paw and continues his story.
"Tell us about the ultimate cookie recipe!" Waterfall demanded since she had no interest in the origin names. Izzy explained the details. LJ showed them his locket. Leap, Izzy and LJ rearranged the letters inscribed on the lockets to spell "Malon." The four got excited and immediately transported themselves back to Hyrule to track down Malon.
They found her on Lon Lon Ranch, of course.
"She's so old," Waterfall observed on first seeing Malon. The group was standing near the paddock where Malon was petting a small horse.
"Yeah, there was this tragic accident when I was a little kid. Apparently Malon had a…disagreement with these witches. They took what was left of her youth." Izzy knew many Hylians' backgrounds since she was her mother's heir and a huge gossip.
"Hey! Old Lady! Do you have the recipe to make the ultimate cookie?" LJ said loudly.
"What? Receipt for the ulcer rookie? That doesn't make any sense, young man."
Leap rolled his eyes, WTF giggled hysterically, and Izzy sighed and asked again.
"Miss Malon, do you know where the ultimate cookie recipe is located?" she questioned in a clear, sweet voice.
"Oh, Honey, that thing has been missing for decades. The last place I remember it being was in the barn."
"Thank you. We are going to go search for it, if you don't mind," Leap said.
"Sure, go right ahead. Just don't spook the cows; they can act real strange when spooked."
The four eagerly entered the barn. There was a huge cow in the doorway. LJ suggested they tip the cow. Waterfall suggested that they kill it. Izzy thought they should just move it. Leap stayed silent. In the end, they tried moving it. The cow did not like being touched. It stood on its hind legs, did a jig and then charged like a bull. LJ climbed into the rafters. They all ran out, shutting the door quickly and went to talk to Malon again.
This time Malon thought the recipe might be in the secret room in the storage building on the other side of the ranch. They went there and studied the small opening. They all voted to send Leap through it since he was the smallest one. He consented and chanted weird things in an attempt not to be offended at being small as he crawled. He reached the other side and calmly shifted through the boxes. The three who couldn't fit through the hole were discussing their childhoods while they ignored what seemed to be the sound of bombs exploding.
"It is definitely not in there," he reported when he was back on the other side. His clothes were ragged and burned…
Waterfall cursed. Izzy tapped her foot impatiently. LJ ate bugs. No one bothered to ask Leap what had happened to him. They went back to Malon after Leap cleaned up. She sent them to many other places on the ranch where the recipe was not.
"We're going to have to turn this whole stinking ranch upside down!" LJ yelled.
"Calm down," Izzy ordered him. She went back to Malon.
"If the recipe is not on the ranch, where would it be?"
"Well, in that case, it would be under the ranch!"
The fed up group went back to the barn where Leap said he thought he'd glimpsed a trap door. They sent LJ in first. The cow charged him. LJ climbed into the rafters. The cow ignored the other three as they cautiously filed in. Leap was right—there was a trap door. They left LJ and went down into the dark. Izzy lit some candles Malon had randomly given her when they had first gone into the barn, realizing it had been a hint.
One glance at the room and they blew out their candles.
"Did you guys see the same thing I did?" Izzy asks.
"It looked like like like…" Leap trailed off.
"I am so glad LJ couldn't come in here. He would be scarred for life," Waterfall added.
To their horror, the room was a shrine dedicated to Link and Epona—adult edition. There were many pictures that are too graphic to describe.
The trap door opened and LJ came in. He had miraculously gotten the cow outside.
"Hey, guys. Why's it so dark in here?"
Izzy lit her candle again. LJ's high-pitched scream of terror broke all of the glass in Hyrule.
"Help! Oh, my god! Please! Someone. Kill me. NOW!" LJ dropped to his knees, begging. When no one reacted, he scurried back into the barn and curled up in a corner. He would never be quite the same after seeing such pictures of someone who looked so similar to him.
The three still inside the nightmare room blinked a few times and started searching for the recipe. The desire never to come back to the room made them search very carefully.
Waterfall held up a body-length pillow that had a life-size picture of Link as the pillow case (I will let you decide whether the picture was decent or not).
"You don't think it's in here, do you? I mean, that's so cliché."
Leap shrugged, "Check it."
Waterfall found the open side near the feet. She reached in and found a piece of paper near the picture's crotch.
"I got it! I got it!" Leap grabbed the paper out of her hand.
"This isn't the recipe. It's a list of what Malon wants to do with Link if they ever…" All three shuddered.
"Try again," Izzy suggested. Waterfall found another piece of paper near the head.
This time Izzy looked over the paper: "This is it! It's the recipe for the most delicious cookie in the realm!"
After a brief happy dance, Izzy temporarily cured LJ by showing him the recipe. LJ was so happy for the wonderful distraction, he led the others outside.
But there, in the middle of the paddock was the next horror to be witnessed by the four. It was Malon standing in front of a giant cake that had a hole in the middle. The reason for the hole: Ingo covered in cake, stripping for Malon. Malon was singing "Happy Birthday" to herself. Waterfall and Izzy gagged. LJ zoned out. Leap fainted.
They eventually get a hold of themselves and flee to the castle. As it turned out, the whole day was just plain unlucky for them. As they are walking through Castle Town, a white dog knocked over Leap and ran off with the ultimate cookie recipe. Leap hit his head when he was knocked over so he was left lying there. LJ had almost caught up with the dog when a random little kid threw a ball at him and he tripped. Izzy was then the closest to the dog. But then her crazy stalker fan jumped from the shadows where he'd been lurking grabbed her arm, and tried to kiss her. Waterfall was the last one left. She failed when the dog ran into an alley with a bunch of other dogs and it was impossible to tell them apart.
After meeting up at the fountain, the group went to Zelda and told her about what had happened. She took pity on them for 70.237 seconds and then sent them to scrub the floors in the kitchen as punishment for failing to bring back the recipe.
In a nearly disastrous moment, Link walked into the kitchen to get a snack.
Izzy stood up, "Hi, Daddy! You may be wondering what we're doing in here—Mummy sent us on a mission and we failed so we're being punished. What are you doing in here?"
"I want to eat pig's feet. Do I know you? You look familiar," by this time, Link had spotted LJ.
"You don't know him, Daddy. He is one of your distant relatives, though. Mom tracked him down and sent him with us."
Link shrugged, accepted this as the truth, grabbed some crackers, pig's feet, and bat saliva, and then walked out.
As soon as Izzy was done scrubbing floors, she ordered some guards to put up a sign in front of Lon Lon Ranch. The sign read "Enter at your own risk. Warning: There is a 99.08% you will be mentally scarred if you interact with the people who own/work on this property." A year later, Lon Lon Ranch was set on fire. Malon moved into Hyrule Castle Town with catastrophic results that no one wants to know about. Malon became an even worse bother when Ruto came back to Hyrule. She had finally escaped the aquarium and found out her husband was dead and her children missing. Ruto somehow managed to transport a whole house that landed on a couple of witches. Malon was freed from her curse as an old lady when the witches died and was now middle-aged.
The ultimate cookie recipe was mostly forgotten for the dog that'd taken it had vanished…
"And this is where I vanished to!" Evil Dog says proudly, holding up the recipe for the ultimate cookie.
"It took me so long to get to this realm. After I successfully got the recipe, I hid out in Termina. Somehow, this rivalry thing started with Tingle. After a near death experience involving a moon, I found a way to get here."
Tingle sits contentedly on the floor, eating toothpaste. He supplies how the rivalry started, "I felt a need to impress my father. I heard about the recipe from an owl and tried to take it from the dog."
"So, back to me. The tragic thing is that I have paws. I have no way of making this recipe! Every time I approached a human about it, they freaked at the talking dog and ran out on me. Then I thought I could bring Tingle here and we could work together to make it, but I can see now that it's an impossibility. Luckily, Tingle has brought me you two humans. You can make this recipe! Hey! Are you listening to me?"
Josh is sleeping and I'm drawing designs in the dirt floor.
"I'm sorry; what did you say? Was the reason you told us this story to bore us to death? 'Cause it didn't work, but it almost did. Hey, how did you get your name anyway? Officially, I mean."
"The phrase most people called after me was 'evil little dog' or 'stupid dog' or something similar. I just edited until I got a name I could live with."
Josh, Tingle, and I grow tired of this conversation.
"That's great and all, but how about you entertain me now since I did you a favor by listening to your story," I say.
Evil Dog howls and a bunch of gold spiders dress Tingle in a bright pink tutu and force him to Riverdance. When Tingle gets too close to the throne, Evil Dog pulls a lever. Tingle falls down a trap door with rainbow-colored poles at the bottom. Evil Dog laughs and starts muttering about giant vacuum powered pipes running through the house.
After a lot of screaming, Tingle suddenly drops from the ceiling. He stands up and walks toward Evil Dog with his bubble wand held high. He swipes at the talking dog sitting on the throne. The bubble wand is suddenly caught in a tangle of spider webs. There are more webs around Evil Dog, protecting him. Josh and I are bored again. We sit in a corner and play Go Fish.
"KYAAAAAAAAAAAAA! These spiders are man-eating monsters!" Tingle yells. He runs in circles until I stick out my foot and trip him. Tingle falls, hits his head, and is put in a coma that lasts for the rest of his life. Even in his comatose state, he would say strange things like "oranges in the bathtub," "bug spray in my pot," "must get cookies," and "spiders love the dog."
The spiders have puny brains so they do not realize they put their master in a cocoon of webs that becomes so thick, it was impenetrable. I laugh at the muffled shouts that come from inside the white cocoon. I am amused because Evil Dog had dropped the recipe on the floor. I pick it up, take Josh outside, and set the house on fire after seeing the spiders drag out the cocoon and a never-again-to-be-conscious Tingle.
Josh and I go home, make the recipe and start a successful business thanks to the recipe.
Note: I go back to the mirror to talk to my subconscious again.
Me: What was the point of that?
MSC: There was a point? Where?
Me: That's what I want to know!
MSC: What's the point in you asking me anything?
Me: Don't change the subject! I want to know the point of that dream/story thing I just typed up in order to get it out of my head.
MSC: I did not change the subject. We were talking about the point of something, which was the subject. I merely changed what the point belonged to.
Me: But isn't what the point belongs to also a point?
MSC: What are you talking about?
Me: I don't know anymore—I am so confuzzled!
MSC: *in an eerily soothing voice* It's okay. I know how to make it aaaall better after you fall asleep.
Thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed this on some level of your existence.