Title: if i was young, i'd flee this town
Summary: I'd bury my dreams underground.
Author's Note: Well, this is lowercased because I feel like it. Originally, it wasn't supposed to be about Tori with an eating disorder, but it kind of stemmed into one of those stories. The ending became this strange format, but I like it. I'm heading into the city, and I'm so happy. I haven't been this happy in weeks, so I felt like posting would start this break off nicely. I want to be happy again, I really do.
The ending is pretty weird but okay, hi guys.
there is something about tori's life that she will always hate. it is as simple as that. there is an ache at the bottom of her belly that rumbles from time to time, and she knows in those moments, that she does not want to be living any longer.
people find her to be something beautiful, someone of noticeable beauty. she does not find herself to be any of these things. there is always a roll on her belly that protrudes and her tank tops never lay flat like she'd like. hollywood arts is filled with girls who are beautifully tanned and have bodies of ballerinas. sometimes in the middle of the night, she just thinks of them dancing around her, their elegant bodies twisting and mocking.
in her dreams, she unzips her fat and she finds out that under all the excess and waste, is something beautiful. she feels lovely in a way she will never feel in the real world. in her dreams, she is someone to note. she can move mountains and lazily wink at the boys who pass her. people fall in love with her without a word. she is everything she wishes to be.
and there is a boy. isn't there always? a boy with a body as skinny as a stick, hair that flops in his eyes, and a smile worth a million dollars. when she sees him, her heart flies away like a dove, white feathers stuck in her hair. he is the reason she continues to wait. he is the reason to wait. he has a plan for his life, as he has told her before. she thinks this is the most interesting thing about him - his plans to do something. he wants to be someone and not one of the silly children that run around, wondering what they want to do with their talents and their withering bodies.
everyone starts to die the minute they are born, but she thinks that beck oliver has always been living. she is in a constant cycle of never ending hatred and self-deprecation; diets that waste her energy and drain her of her thoughts. he never has come across as doing anything but loving. he loves the earth and the trees and his life and his girlfriend, jade, whom tori detests because jade is wicked and she has beck oliver and hates everything.
if tori had beck, she thinks life would be an endless playground of beauty. she can imagine the envious glares and the dreamy smiles that girls would throw their way. if they were together, they would be unstoppable. she is not self absorbed, contrary to popular belief. she just wants to be perfect, and no matter how low the scale reads, the numbers will never reach the amount she wants. to achieve the perfection she dreams of, she would have to take out her brain (three pounds of oozing, dripping fat!), her broken, tattered heart (eight ounces of pure, disgusting weight that she doesn't want.), and all of her blood. she'd have to peel away all the skin and then she'd reach that perfect weight. zero is what she wants almost more than beck oliver himself. she wants to be a weightless angel without anything. she'd like to live on the moon, where she'd weigh so much less. in her earthly body, (eighty five disgusting pounds of awful, pasty skin with bulges in the wrong places.) she weighs so much more than what she'd weigh on the moon.
maybe beck would take her and they'd have little babies dressed in astronaut suits. they could eat space food and every night, they'd have space ice cream for the little ones. (she'd pass, of course.) they'd live a happy little life on their moon, and there'd be no jade and no andré to tell her she is acting silly. no one would lie to her and say she's too skinny. beck understands. she can see him assessing her with his eyes during lunch when she tells andré she doesn't want a burrito, thanks. he thinks what she's doing is beautiful, she can tell.
(here's a secret: she'll never stop. this is all for him. she'll be enough for him when she hits zero.)
andré calls her a ticking time bomb. eighty five will soon become eighty and eighty will become seventy five. her parents are never home and trina just watches her across the breakfast table with envy in her eyes when tori skips breakfast for the third time this week. trina doesn't have the self control that tori does. trina eats a half a bagel (equivalent to two pieces of toast.) with a thin glob of cream cheese, every morning. trina sometimes leaves beautiful sandwiches out in the open, turkey sandwiches on white bread with mayo and lettuce and tomato and bacon and avocado – just like tori loves. used to love. food is the enemy. trina is not an ally. trina wants to be the skinny sister with the beautiful leg gap and the skinny wrists and the flat stomach.
tori sends her parents pictures from before. they don't notice that she sends the same pictures. they don't notice much. they're never home and they're always off in beautiful places selling houses that should belong to gorgeous people. one day, maybe she'll build one of those big houses for her and beck, with glass walls so they can stare at the cosmos from their perch on the moon. maybe she'd learn all the constellations and teach them to her children; show beck each and every one because stars are so much more graceful than humans. he'd appreciate the bewitching nature of the stars. he has told her on occasion that the stars the the most stunning things he's ever seen.
andré says that stars are never as gorgeous as her. she crushes his heart with her boots when she says that she'll never love him like she loves beck. andré always says he doesn't understand her strive for perfection. he will never be enough for her, and that's the honest truth. beck makes her warm inside and for every moment in his eyes, she can feel the weight dropping from her thighs. she used to eat all the time, and he always laughed at her (UGLYFATSELF.) as she messily ate cheeseburgers and tacos and oh so many calories, stop it, you're killing yourself.
(here's the deep dark thing she doesn't like to say, she misses food and the way her boobs used to look in a tank top. she misses the looks she got when she was fat, like everyone thought she was beautiful. the stares are sadder when she skips another meal. look at her normally, she wants to scream, i'm turning beautiful now. soon, i will be perfect!)
she's started to open her flesh, to see if she's pretty underneath.
all she sees is ugliness.
she's ticking down, faster and faster. beck and jade break up and it's the best day of her life and she loses another pound. beck looks at her more than ever. jade looks at her with pitying eyes.
you can have him, jade whispers, just stop this.
(i think i am beautiful, tori whispers.)
(she's surprised that she really believes it. she looks like a ghost – a beautiful vision.)
tori, he will love you, just stop, jade begs.
(no. it's not acceptable, never. never.)
beck sees her across the hallway one day and smiles slow. she knows he's got his attention. she is his already. she knows what will happen. he walks up slow and his limbs move so gracefully; his eyes are warm and his face is just so beautiful. he leans down to her ear and she can feel his breath against her skin.
you aren't beautiful, anymore, he whispers.