Pain. He thought he was losing so much. He thought he was making the hard decision. He was wrong.
Pain. Ethan was my life, my heart, my soul, my everything. He kept me Light, I kept him alive. Until now. It was my fault, all my fault for falling for him. But he fell too, and we were both to blame for everything that was happening. I thought about the sky. It was still different. He had changed it, not just the way I saw it. He had made it more beautiful, like everything else around him.
Pain. Every part of my body hurt as though I had been pummeled by a thousand pounds of bricks, dropped from a cliff, strangled, tortured, beaten, buried, suffocated.
Pain. My soul was dead but my body refused to acknowledge it. I couldn't cry. I was beyond it. There was nothing that would come out, just a tearing noise, like John ripping. Halfway to the door of the house, I choked on the air and dropped to my knees. My face twisted into some sort of broken grimace, the surface of a hollow spirit.
Pain. I thought I knew what the word meant, but this was so different from any classical textbook definition. This was a thousand kisses forgotten, a million moments, touches, sparks, words, sighs, tears, cries, screams lost to the wheel of Fate. I couldn't take it anymore, couldn't live with this. I didn't know when it would happen, when his mind would leave mine, but I couldn't stop tensing myself for it.
Pain. It's what makes us all push forward, the hope that we'll find a reprieve somewhere. It's what made me stand and work my way up to the comfort of my room, to the pillows that smelled like Him and the pieces of my life He had touched. I pushed the door open.
Pain. I saw his handwriting on the walls, saw the words. I will always love you. Ethan.
Pain. I heard his voice, one last time.
And then I lost myself in the tide of pain and nothingness that rushed up welcomingly to pull me under.