Operation Essentially Doom Young Ninja Is A Go

Chapter 1

"It's a good idea."

"No it isn't! It's…it's a terrible idea! In fact, it's the worst idea ever."

"It's a good idea."

Apparently arguing with Lady Tsunade was fruitless; the busty woman was fixated on her new plan…her essentially suicidal plan. However, Shizune wasn't one to give up, especially when it came to matters such as life and death, and so she persisted.

"Master Jiraiya," she turned to the white-haired man currently crouching on the window sill, a look of hope in her eyes. "Please tell the Hokage that this is a bad idea."

Jiraiya looked at Shizune and then looked over to Tsunade, who was refusing to look at them; her arms were crossed defiantly over her chest, her chin in the air with her eyes closed.

"It's a good idea." he stated.

A vein popped up on Shizune's forehead as she tried to contain her rage. "Master Jiraiya!" she exploded. "The Akatsuki are a criminal faction! Even if they agreed to this plan they could simply slaughter the youngsters as soon as they saw fit!"

Tsunade huffed loudly. "But it is the perfect opportunity to understand the way the Akatsuki work!"

"You just ignored everything I just said!" Shizune accused.

Had lack of logic taken over the world? Shizune was convinced it had, and it had affected Lady Tsunade the worst. Tsunade's plan was ridiculous; she planned to contact the Akatsuki and ask them if they would be willing to tutor some of the younger ninjas, from the leaf village, each, once a week. The very idea made Shizune woozy.

"It's happening Shizune, the Kazekage has already agreed to it!" Tsunade roared, launching up from behind her desk and glowering at her aide. "Now," she calmed slightly and dusted herself down. "Send a messenger hawk to Orochimaru-"

"Orochimaru?" Shizune repeated disbelief wildly evident in her tone. "What does he have to do with anything? What are you thinking Lady Tsunade?"

"Get the messenger hawk prepared." Tsunade replied, her mouth a grim line.

A few days later, the Akatsuki were gathered around a long, stone table; Pein seated at the head of it.

"We're doing it." he declared, his authorative voice ringing out and echoing around the cavernous hideout.

"Whaaaaaaatttt?" Hidan leapt out of his seat, his face a picture of disbelief.

"We're doing it," Pein repeated. "It is the perfect opportunity to gain their trust."

"But we'll slaughter them on the first day right?" Hidan pressed eagerly. "We're not actually expected to teach them?"

Konan and Pein exchanged a look and then Pein spoke once more. "We are going to strike when they least expect it, when their guard is down…"

"So basically, what you're saying is: yes. We do have to teach them hm." Deidara interjected.

"That's correct." Konan nodded.

"When will we meet our new students?" Itachi enquired quietly.

"We have their pictures here," Zetsu announced, emerging next to Pein. "They've all already been assigned. So no whining." Black Zetsu added.

"Let me guess," Hidan snarled. "Daffodil here doesn't have to take part in this piece of shit 'experience'?"

Zetsu glowered at the silver haired man, looking affronted, but Pein intervened.

"Zetsu will be needed to maintain communication at all times." he declared in his usual monotone.

"Well come on then," Sasori sighed, his head in his hand. "You're taking all day. Let's see our new students."

Zetsu nodded and then began distributing the pictures of the students the Akatsuki were supposed to take on. These elicited a different variety of reactions.

"Why does one of my students have freaky eyes hm?" Deidara questioned, tipping the picture of Rock-Lee to the side and squinting as he examined him.

"Why is mine wearing make-up?" Sasori added, staring down at Kankuro's –grumpy looking- photo.

"Is that…" Kisame leant over Itachi to gaze at his partner's new students. "Is that Sasuke?"

"Yes," Itachi replied. "Apparently Orochimaru has been convinced to join this endeavour too."

Pein looked about to reply, but he was interrupted by Hidan's loud cackle, as the Jashinist had finally spotted Lee's picture, lying in front of Deidara, on the table.

"What's wrong with that guy's eyebrows?" he guffawed, apparently finding it hard to speak as tears started protruding from his eyes. "Oh my Jashin, look at him! That's fucking hilarious man!"

Deidara grabbed up the picture of his new student, apparently quite defensive, and glowered at the bigger Akatsuki member.

"Well what do your students look like yeah?" he returned indignantly.

Hidan glanced down at his two new students with a cocky smirk. "One of mine's quite hot actually," he remarked. "I wouldn't mind teaching her a few things."

Kakuzu glanced over at his partner's pictures to look at the blonde girl Hidan was currently gazing at.

"She looks about twelve…" he stated.

Hidan glowered at him. "Like fuck she does!" he spat back.

Kakuzu lowered his brow for a few seconds then yanked up the picture of Ino. He held it up so everybody could see. "She looks about twelve." he repeated.

"Forget looking about twelve," Sasori murmured a small smirk forming on his lips. "She looks like the female version of Deidara."

"Shut up Sasori!" Deidara returned angrily, he glanced at the picture and then blanched.

"Doesn't that mean…" Kisame began slowly a grin stretching across his mouth. "That Hidan would find Deidara hot if he were a girl?"

"NO!" Deidara and Hidan shouted at the same time.

As the majority of the Akatsuki began laughing, Itachi intervened.

"Regardless of what she looks like," he cut in smoothly. "She is very young. She's the same age as my brother."

"I don't give a fuck." Hidan retorted.

Konan sighed and the Jashinist turned to look at her. "Who have you guys got?" he questioned fiercely, the angry enquiry directed at both Pein and Konan. "I bet you saved the best for yourselves."

"Speak with a little more respect Hidan," Pein scolded. "I have taken the two jinchuriki's as I am the only one that can be trusted with them."

Hidan glowered at him and then looked to Konan. "And you?" he pressed.

Konan raised the two pictures, before her, upwards so everyone could see. The first of her students was an intelligent looking boy with pale eyes, his hair tied back in a long, loose ponytail. The other one had Hidan laughing once more.

"L…look at that one!" he screeched, gesturing at Choji –the other student Konan had been assigned-. "He looks like he's swallowed a whole barrel or something!"

"Hidan." Pein muttered sharply. "Drop the attitude. We need to get along with these people."

Hidan and Deidara (who had been chuckling along quietly) quickly silenced themselves, but not for long. In Hidan's case anyway, as the Jashinist leant forward and cocked his head to the side at the picture of Konan's other student.

"Well, the other one's quite hot I guess," he reasoned, gazing at Neji's picture. "A bit freaky and stern looking, but I wouldn't kick her out of bed."

Konan placed the photographs on the table and levelled her eyes with Hidan's. "That's a boy." she replied plainly.

Hidan recoiled in horror as the rest of the Akatsuki began laughing at him.

"You're telling me that chick isn't a chick?" he questioned, his voice high. He picked up his picture of Ino and sent it fluttering away. "Then what's this picture of? A fucking tortoise?" and then the silver-haired man descended into a huff, crossing his arms on the table and ducking his head, muttering curses quietly to himself.

"I'm sure this is going to go well." Konan commented dryly.

"Hm," Kakuzu murmured. "When do we have to meet these brats?"

"In around a week." Konan answered, her gaze fixed on her two new students, her gaze concentrated, as if she was trying to work out the two boys' personalities simply from their photographs.

"And what are we supposed to be teaching these runts, hm?" Deidara put in, leaning forward to look at Pein.

Pein levelled his gaze with Deidara's and then shrugged. "Tsunade didn't specify. You can teach them whatever you like-"

Hidan's head shot up and he gazed at Pein excitedly. Pein looked over at him. "Not that." he shot his fellow Akatsuki member down.

"I despise youngsters," Sasori muttered gruffly. "They always think they know best."

"Sasori, my man!" Deidara exclaimed clapping an arm around his partner's shoulder. "You're starting to sound like a tired old man!"

"Sasori has a point," Kakuzu put in. "I'm willing to bet that this bunch of 'ninja' are going to be a bunch of tiresome know-it-alls."

"That may be so," Pein agreed steadily. "But we must be patient with them."

"Patience is a fucking virtue." Hidan put in, tapping his picture of Shino from finger to finger.

"That some of us don't have." Konan added, resulting in Hidan shooting her a death glare.

"Look," Pein began tiredly. "This won't be for long. All we need to do is gain their trust and then we'll have two jinchuriki's."

"I get that," Sasori said. "But do we really have to train the others? Why not just train the jinchuriki's?"

"To avoid suspicion," Pein replied. "If we agreed to only train the two jinchuriki's that would most definitely raise Tsunade's hackles. No, it's much more profitable if we-"

"Hang about!" Hidan exploded.

Pein sighed heavily and turned his head slowly to look at Hidan. The purple-haired sadist was staring angrily down at Kisame's picture.

"How come Kisame only has to deal with one brat?" he demanded.

"Hidan." Pein growled. "Silence yourself."

Hidan slumped back onto the table grumbling moodily as Itachi slowly raised his hand.

"Yes Itachi?" Pein nodded at the Uchiha.

"It's not that I don't desire a family reunion," Itachi murmured. "But I must inform you of that fact that my little brother will undoubtedly try to kill me upon our meeting."

"And I thought I had family issues." Hidan whispered to Kakuzu, who smirked in response.

"Yes," Pein inclined his head at Itachi. "But I'm sure you can deal with him. He is after all nowhere near powerful enough to challenge you. Not yet."

Itachi didn't reply and simply let his eyes return to the picture of his little brother.

"Well..." Kisame murmured, looking at his partner. "At least we can be assured this will be interesting..."

"We're what?"

"Do I really have to repeat myself?" Tsunade sighed. "You have all been assigned to a member of the Akatsuki. They've agreed to refrain from attempting to kill you if you also resist. The Akatsuki have been causing lots of waves recently, I think this is a good way of understanding their operations. Of getting into their heads,"

The young ninja before her looked, quite frankly, stunned and, Tsunade couldn't help but note, more than a few of them looked a little scared.

"Look, you won't be alone-"

"I am!" Kiba interrupted. "I'm the only student assigned to this...Kisame guy!"

Tsunade's eyebrow twitched at the Inuzuka's boy rudeness, but she calmed herself. Reminding herself that the youngster was most likely simply just worried about the prospect of being alone in the presence of an S-Rank criminal. Ok...even the Hokage had to admit that sounded crazy.

"You'll all be wired. So you'll all have a means of communication with the Jounin of our village. If things sound like their getting too crazy, they'll intervene,"

There were sighs of relief amongst the majority of the ninja before her.

"However, these are the Akatsuki and so some atrocious behaviour is to be expected. You, as ninja, are expected to understand where the line is and when you need to stop the Akatsuki doing whatever they plan on doing to 'train' you."

"Mistress Tsunade," Sakura began. "I see that I...I've been put in a group with Sasuke..."

Naruto's mouth gaped open and he turned to look at the Hokage. "Granny Tsunade, Sasuke? Do we know where he is?"

Tsunade sighed at the hopefulness in the boy's –and indeed Sakura's- eyes and then shook her head. "No...but Orochimaru has agreed to allowing Sasuke to train with the Akatsuki and...with you, Sakura. If you feel like you must, then you may try and find out where Sasuke is stationed and you can even try to work on convincing him to come back to the village."

Sakura nodded breathlessly, her eyes wide.

"When...when do we have to meet these...people?" Hinata piped up, her facial expression even more worried than usual.

"In around a week," Tsunade answered. "Ready yourselves." and then the Hokage left, Jiraiya at her side.

"Worried?" the sage pressed as the two clopped away.

Tsunade threw Jiraiya a side-long look and then sighed. "You can't even imagine." she groaned.

AN: So den! I has a new fic out! Unlike my others, this is not an Au. Rather, it is an AR. It's crackilicious for sure. And I'm hoping we can have some fun times. I hope you enjoyed this, and I just want to emphasise: Try not to take it too seriously because, trust me, I know that there are hundreds of problems we could pick up on, but, hey! That's the thing with crack isn't it? We can just have fun! Hope you liked it so far :D