AN: This is just some stupidity that I came up with about thirty minutes ago. I was bored, and I wanted to poke fun at the fandom. BEN's right; they scare me, too.
Disclaimer: I do not own The Jadusable ARG.
P.S. This is in no way meant to offend anybody; I just like these types of stories. I think these two really would be horrified by things like this. Also, yes, this is a crack!fic.
Kelbris trudged up the hill, cursing under his breath at the steepness of the slope. The party he was attending was still going on, the bright flashing lights illuminating the darkness. Kelbris stopped at the top of the hill, taking a deep breath. His girth often made it hard for him to do any type of recreational activity, and he felt like he had just climbed Death Mountain.
Wait, that's not in Majora's Mask… the green man thought to himself. He shrugged. It didn't really matter, anyway; he wasn't sure if this "ARG" he had signed up to take part in was continuing. The creator had ambled off somewhere, occasionally updating his rabid, psychotic fans. For the most part, though, he had no work to do, and he didn't really care what the "canon" was.
He had found something worthwhile in this mess, however; a little boy clad in green, who he was currently searching for. The strobe lights from the rave below made it easier to pick out the bright green tunic from the emerald grass, and he made his way over in the direction of the boy.
The jade green behemoth plopped down on the soft grass beside the boy, pulling his knees up to his wide chest. BEN did not stir; he merely looked straight ahead, expressionless. The silence stretched on for a full minute, only interrupted by the off-key singing of one of the party-goers. Somebody must be really drunk, Kelbris thought, smiling, for that to carry all the way up here.
Finally, the gargantuan beast sighed, and placed an arm, thick with muscles, around the boy's frail shoulders. "What's the matter, BEN? Why did you run off from the party? I was having fun."
The statue pouted, refusing to meet his friend's stare. He picked at the grass with his small, childish hands, his black eyes downcast. Kelbris waited patiently; if BEN wanted to talk, he would, eventually.
"It's just… these people are driving me crazy!" the boy burst out, throwing his arms in the air. He almost smacked Kelbris in the face, he was so upset. "Do you know what I read the other day?"
Kelbris shook his head no.
"It's this thing, called a… a fanfiction. All these stupid girls write totally improbable things- like, I read one where I was Jadusable's brother! And another where we were…. We were lovers!" The boy spluttered, recoiling in revulsion. "It was disgusting! I could never be with a human. I'm not even a human."
Kelbris nodded sagely. "It's kind of messed-up, I must agree. I was on Within Hubris the other day, and there was a girl, maybe 14 years old, saying how she supports "Kelby x Bike". How can I be romantically involved with a bike, BEN?" he whispered, cradling his face in his large hands. "That board is full of freaks! A 12 year old girl has been spamming the Off-Topic boards with silly propositions. She keeps asking for a boyfriend, and then all the users tell her to screw off. And they use the strangest pictures."
"I've heard about those," BEN piped up. "It's called a meme. Humans think they're funny."
Kelbris stared at him, nonplussed. "That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard."
BEN only shrugged, his gaze returning to the celebration below them. After awhile, he glanced at Kelbris out of the corner of his eye. He drew in a sharp breath.
He was the single most beautiful thing he had ever seen. The golden light hit him at just the right angle, lighting up his monstrous feature in just the right way. The elephant man observed the party below with solemnity, but BEN had seen him laugh before. BEN liked him when he laughed.
"You know…" the boy began, faltering. Kelbris looked up, curious. "You look very handsome when you smile… Kelby."
The two creatures stared at each other. BEN could hear his heart thundering in his chest, could feel the blood singing in his veins. The look Kelbris gave him caused all the blood in his body to fill his face, and well, other places…
Time seemed to pass slowly, until the two threw themselves at each other. The moment BEN's hot skin touched Kelbris', he felt an electric charge tingle from the tips of his fingers to his brain. Kelbris wrapped his strong arms around the little statue, nearly crushing him in his grasp. The two kissed each other feverishly, not paying any attention to the footsteps approaching from behind them.
"Guys," said a sharp voice. The actors broke apart abruptly, turning to glare at the intruder. The Father had arrived, and he looked greatly displeased. "BEN, what have I told you about carnal desires?"
"…That they are forbidden, father," the boy responded meekly.
"That's right. And you," The Father placed his hands on his hips, admonishing Kelbris. "You are this young man's leader. You should not be canoodling with him while we are having an Ascension party. Now, both of you. Come with me."
The man turned sharply on his heel and stalked off, muttering about the undead and hormones. Kelbris and BEN sheepishly looked away from each other, feeling awkward.
"Well," Kelbris said, catching BEN's attention. "Shall we join them?"
Kelbris offered a hand to the statue, assisting him to his feet. Then, he quickly leaned down, placing his lips next to his ear. BEN's eyes widened as the warm breath tickled him, and he shivered, though the night was warm.
"Meet me later, okay?" Kelbris whispered in a rough voice. "The Father doesn't need to know about us."
Kelbris took his leave of BEN then, sauntering away.
BEN stared after him for about three seconds, and when his brain caught up to what had just happened, he panicked.
"Wait!" he called. "Wait for me, Kelby!"