~*~Sirius Black and the Failed Pick Up Lines~*~
by Hatter of Madness

"Sirius, I said 'no'."

"But why, Moony?"

"Because 'no' means no, I don't think that pick up lines are funny, or cute, or clever, or whatever you think that they are. And they never work on the average witch anyway, so it's pointless to try."

"Well, then, luckily for me, I don't find myself attracted to the average witch, do I?"

"If you can find a male that these work on, I will have seen everything."

"Oh, trust me, I can find someone..."

"Sirius, you do know the name of the book is Fail Proof Ways to Get Witches, correct?"

"So I can tinker them a little and make it Fail Proof Ways to Get Wizards, what the hell."

"Good luck with that."

"I know it's not Christmas, but Santa's lap is always ready."

"Eh, Sirius?"

"Ho, ho, ho."

"By any chance, am I the sad, sad male you are testing these on?"

"No. Now come tell Santa what you want."

"Sorry Mr. Claus, I'm on the naughty list this year."

"If I rearrange the alphabet, I'd put 'u' and 'i' next to each other."

"Why do that when 'n' and 'o' are already together?"

"You know what else is together? 'J' and 'k'."

"Do you have any raisins?"

"Since we're in Charms, no."

"How about dates?"

"Sirius, give it up."


"I"m sorry, were you talking to me?"


"Then please start."

"Why would I ever choose to acknowledge your existence?"

"Don't you ever frown."

"Funny. I didn't realize that's what I was doing."

"Because you never know who may be falling in love with your smile."

"Borderline romantic, but no."

"What if I made it even more romantic?"

"Alright, who's the git that set you up to this?"

"Apart from being sexy, what do you do for a living?"



"You look a lot like my first boyfriend."

"Really? How many have you had?"

"None yet."

"And I will not be the first."

"Do you have a sunburn, or are you always this hot?"

"No, it's a sunburn."

"I'm addicted to yes, and allergic to no. So what's it gonna be?"

"You might need an Epi Potion for my response."

"Excuse me, you just dropped something."

"Funny, I'm not holding anything, so what could I have possibly dropped?"

"My jaw."

"Really? Because it seems to be intact now."


"You remind me of my little toe."

"Why would that be? Because you think I'm small?"

"Nice innuendo. But no. Because I'll probably bang you on the coffee table later in the dark."

"Oh, that one's actually clever."

"Clever enough to get you to fall in love with me?"

"Not a chance."

"That's a nice bed you got there."

"Thank you, Sirius?"

"Wanna break it?"

"It's already been broken."

"By what?"

"By who—and it was Severus."

"I lost my virginity."

"I believe that happened already."

"Can I have yours?"

"Can't, already gave it to Severus, remember?"


"I just wanted to give you the satisfaction of turning me down. Go ahead, say no."

"Alright, no."


"Did you honestly think that would work?"


"James and I have a bet."


"That you won't take off your shirt in a public place."

"Well, I hate to tell you that I won't."

"I have fantastic eye sight."

"What do you want now, Sirius?"

"I can see you."

"Of course."

"Great! How about tomorrow night then?"

"Sirius, this is getting old..."

"Seven it is!"


"Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?"

"You do realize that 'first sight' was when we were eleven, right?"

"It was worth a shot..."

"If I told you I was straight, would you let me touch you?"

"No, because I'd know you're a filthy liar."

"What if I told you I was gay?"

"Then it's an even bigger 'no'."

"I've changed my name."

"To what?"


"Really? I didn't think that would suit you."


"Ah, now I see. The answer is still 'no'."

"I like your trousers."

"Really? Thank you, Sirius."

"But you know what would look even better on you?"

"Oh, no..."


"I think my belt's just a little too tight, Sirius."

"If you were a tear, I wouldn't cry for fear of losing you."

"Aww, see, that's how you get a man, Sirius. That was sweet."

"Sweet enough for you to..."


"How was Heaven when you left it?"

"Terrific. In fact, I'm going back."

"Take me with you?"

"I'm sorry, I think you're going in the other direction."

"Your eyes are as blue as the ocean."

"Sirius, there's something I should tell you..."

"And baby, I'm lost at sea."

"Hate to tell you this, but my eyes are amber."


"Are you from Jamaica?"


"Because Jamaican me crazy."

"Give it up."


"Then you'll be doomed to an eternity of 'no's'."

"If your life was a book, it'd be fine print."

"Sigh. Are you ever going to give it up?"

"Is it a full moon tonight?"

"No, that was last week."

"Well, lycanthropy isn't the only thing that can make you howl."

"You know, you're right. Your lame pick up lines are doing the job."

"So you're falling in love with me?"

"No. I'm howling with laughter."

"Hey, that's not fair!"

"Fuck me."

"I think that's the worst one yet."

"I'm running out of ideas, Moony!"

"Well, too bad for you that I'm no where near being out of 'no's'."

"Are you religious?"


"Because you're the answer to all my prayers."

"Good-bye, Sirius."

"Did you trip me?"

"How can I do that when my legs are folded underneath me?"

"I just assumed, cause baby, I'm falling for you."

"Please give it up or I will drop that book into the fire."

"Are you a magnet?"

"No. A werewolf."

"Well, you're attracting me over here."

"Maybe that's because we're going to have dinner and you're following the smell of food?"

"Dammit, you're good."

"It's my birthday. How about a birthday kiss?"

"Your birthday is in October. Therefore, it's not your birthday."

"No, but how about a kiss anyway?"

"Sure. Kiss my arse."


"Well, here I am. What were your other two wishes?"

"Funny, I don't recall any genie's lamps..."

"Nah, but I'll give you three wishes anyway."

"Okay. First, go away. Second, stop trying these pick up lines on me. Third, drop that bloody book into the fire!"

"Oh, look at that, the love genie has to go..."

"I'm a pirate."

"Here we go..."

"I'm here for your booty."

"I cannot believe you just said that to me."

"Would you hold this for me as I go for a walk?"

"Er...Sirius, it's just your empty hand..."


"Where do they come up with these?"

"Do you sleep on your stomach?"

"You know perfectly well that I don't."

"Well, can I?"

"I'm too afraid you'd crush me."


"Hey, babe. Want to get lucky?"

"I'm going to assume that means you'll be leaving soon, in which case, the answer is yes."

"You irritate me."

"That's not something to say to the man you're trying to woo, is it, Padfoot?"

"You're wearing nice trousers."

"Sirius, please..."

"Can I test the zipper?"

"I think Severus has tested it enough."

"Fuck you, too."

"I only have three days to live."

"Oh, well, that'll do the rest of us a favor."

"You have a wand."

"I don't like where this is going."

"I have a wand."

"I really don't like where this is going."

"Wanna make some magic?"

"On second thought, this is going nowhere."

"I'm feeling a little off today."

"That's too bad."

"Would you like to turn me on?"


"I can make you the happiest werewolf alive."

"How's that?"

"Come with me to the dorms and you'll find out."

"Tempting offer, but no."


"Sirius Black, was that an order?"

"Well, it depends. Did it work?"


"Then no."

"...Nope, still didn't work."

"Want to see me break this ice cube?"


"Now that I've broken the ice, will you..."


"Do you like apples?"

"Yes, I do. Why do you ask?"

"How about you come with me to the dorm and snog? How do you like them apples?"

"I suddenly don't."

"Hi, are you here to meet a nice man or will I do?"

"If I say 'yes', will you give it up?"

"I ha—did you say 'yes'?"

"Yes, I did. Now shut up before I change my mind."

"I love you, Moony."

"Sirius, you're drooling."

This was inspired by 20 Pick Up Lines That Don't Work by Marauders-And-Lily-I-Love. That fic is much better, that is if you're into the M rated stuff. This was just a way for me to procrastinate on my homework, so I hope you enjoyed it ^.^

- Hatter of Madness