H'lo everybody! I'm sorry this took so long. I'd had a whole thing written up, but didn't like it and so I had to start from scratch. But then I ended up incorporating some of that in this version, too. I hope you like it! It's twice as long as normal…
When did standing at Reid's door become such a habit? Hotch found himself wondering. An older woman walked by, giving him a strange look. Hotch smiled and nodded pleasantly at her, but something about him must have unnerved her. She silently went into her own apartment, and he could hear the locks turning from the other side.
When Reid answered his own door, Hotch's heart leapt. This is stupid, he told himself. It's not like you're picking Reid up for prom, for Christ sakes.
"What's wrong?" Reid asked nervously. Hotch couldn't help but notice that Reid refused to look at him. He also couldn't help but notice how well Reid's deep red sweater vest suited him.
"Can I come in, please?" Hotch tried to keep his voice soft and non-threatening. It sounded so unlike him that it only made both of them more uncomfortable.
"Yeah, okay," Reid stepped back and let him in. He kept his gaze on the floor, shrinking away a little when Hotch walked by him. Hotch saw him flinch, and it broke his heart. "What do you want?" Reid asked, turning away from him.
Hotch's mind was blank. He'd left the house feeling like he desperately needed to see Reid; the reason would come to him along the way. He'd thought it had, and had decided that he would act upon it. He'd felt confident and determined. But that resolve vanished at the threshold of Reid's apartment.
"I just, I needed to talk to you," he said.
Maybe I can leave now, Hotch thought. Maybe I can just turn around and go without him noticing.
"I, uh, I wanted to tell you we figured out who it was."
Reid's body tensed. "Oh God," Hotch heard him whisper. "Who?"
"It was Strauss."
God damn you, Hotch's mind cursed. You couldn't have cushioned that for him, just a little bit?
"I'm sorry, Reid," he continued, his voice softer. "Strauss is the one that did this."
Reid sat down on the couch, looking dazed. "But- but why? Why would she do that?"
Hotch shook his head, "I don't know."
"And-" Reid leaned forward and rested his face in his hands. "But, how? I kept it locked, in my desk. How would she have gotten it?"
"We've dealt with people who have gotten into things much more secure than those cheap desks. I'm sure it wasn't very hard." Hotch sat on the couch too, making sure to leave Reid some distance. "But I'm sure she has keys to all our desks somewhere. Or she may have gotten a custodian to open it."
"I can't believe this." Reid's voice was as blank as his face. It scared Hotch. He didn't like not knowing what Reid was feeling, and what his expressions meant.
"Are you okay?" He ventured to ask. He hated himself as soon as he said it. Of course he's not okay. What kind of question is that?
Reid seemed deep in thought. Finally he said, "Actually, I think I am." He let out a sigh, "I was just, I was so afraid it was someone on the team, you know?"
"I thought you might be," Hotch said. "That's why I knew I'd have to tell you."
Reid looked up at him slowly. "You mean you were considering not telling me?"
Hotch's face grew hot, "No. No, I mean- of course not."
"You don't sound very convincing, Hotch," Reid said bitterly. "You were considering keeping it from me, weren't you?"
"No, I- I didn't want to keep it from you but, well, I wasn't looking forward to telling you, either. I worried how it would affect you, knowing that someone you should be able to count on, could –a superior, no less- could be responsible for this."
"How it would affect me? You thought I couldn't handle it?" Reid knew he was being irrational, but he couldn't help it. He was furious at so many things and at so many people; Hotch just happened to be closest. "I don't need you to protect me from everything, Hotch."
"That's not fair," he said quietly. "You know that's not what I meant. You're upset, I know, and you're twisting my words around."
Reid stood up quickly. "Yes I'm upset! You don't need to tell me I'm upset as if I didn't know!"
"Reid, why are you acting like this?" It was unnerving, Hotch thought, seeing someone so smart acting so childish and, dare he think it, stupid.
"Because I want you to leave!" Reid shuddered at the sound of his voice, high and hysterical. He turned from Hotch in embarrassment. "Please," he said quieter. "Please just leave."
Hotch knew it was foolish to be hurt by the way Reid was speaking to him. It wasn't personal; he was simply acting out. But it hurt just the same.
"I don't want to leave you," he said.
He saw Reid's shoulders begin to shake. Reid's hand went to his forehead as his body trembled.
"Come here," He moved in front of him, grabbing his shoulders. As soon as he wrapped his arms around him, Reid collapsed. His body seemed to give out, and he fell into Hotch, his long fingers grasping at him.
"Why are you here?" Reid cried. "How can you stand to even be near me?"
Hotch held onto him so tight he thought it would hurt him. "Don't say things like that," he whispered.
The feeling of Reid clinging to him, of all of his weight hanging onto Hotch's shoulders, his fingers shifting thoughtlessly, fingertips scratching his neck - all of these things were almost enough to distract Hotch from what was pressing against his thigh. Almost.
He shivered as his own erection pressed against Reid's. He heard Reid gasp quietly, and the grip on Hotch's shoulders tightened. Hotch let his hands trail up and down Reid's spine. His lips brushed against Reid's ear. He tried to pretend it was an accident; he tried to convince himself that there was nothing to it when he pressed his lips against the skin just under Reid's ear. His fingers scraped up and through Reid's hair. He kissed his neck again.
Reid's body tensed and he pulled his arms back to himself to push against Hotch's chest. "No," he whimpered, trying to wriggle out of his arms.
This is familiar. Hotch let go of him and backed away, his hand over his mouth. The bruises, the fear in Reid's face; Hotch wasn't even drunk now and he was still being just as aggressive as he had been the night before. "Reid, I'm-" I'm sorry. The words played on his tongue but refused to come out. No, I'm not sorry. I'm not sorry. "I want you."
Reid flinched as if he'd been struck. "Why would you say that?" His voice quivered.
Because my head is spinning and I can't think when I look at you. "Because it's the truth."
"No it's not," Reid shook his head. "You're lying."
"I'm not, Spencer. I swear to you, I'm telling the truth." He took a step closer to him. "I can't stop thinking about you. I can't get those things you wrote out of my head."
Reid groaned helplessly. "Please, can we not talk about that?"
"You don't need to be embarrassed." He edged closer, moving slowly as though approaching an armed suspect. "I'm glad I know."
"No you're not," Reid choked out. "Don't talk to me like that. You're just trying to protect my feelings, like you always do."
"And why do you think I always do that, Spencer?" Hotch said. The realization even surprised him a bit. The things he'd never admitted to himself were now being explained to the man he never knew he wanted.
"I don't know. But don't say it's because you feel the same way about me. It's…demeaning. Don't you lie to me like that."
"It's not a lie." Oh God, how did I not realize for this long? "I don't want it to be like this," Hotch said forcefully. Reid managed to look up at him for a moment, but he had to turn and walk away.
Hotch reached out and grabbed him by the arm. "No, Reid, please. Don't walk away from me." He felt something like an electrical jolt run through his body. His voice took on a tone that neither he nor Reid could help but recognize. It was the voice he used in the interrogation room. That tone didn't have any place in his personal life, as far as he was concerned. He was on the verge of apologizing. But then Reid turned around. Something in Reid's face kept Hotch from taking it back.
"Look at me." Hotch demanded, still gripping Reid's arm. He could see Reid trying to control himself as he raised his eyes, but he still looked terrified.
I need you to look at me, Hotch's thoughts pleaded. I need you to understand me. He reached out impatiently and took hold of Reid's jaw, keeping him at attention. Reid gasped. His hands flew up defensively, grabbing Hotch's arm and pulling limply at it. They stared at each other, their shallow sharp breaths colliding as they stood locked in a strange, confused battle of wills.
Hotch closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He couldn't think when Reid was holding onto his arm like that, or when Reid looked at him with that frightened, innocent, utterly captivating expression.
I can't think, I can't- Hotch took a deep breath and opened his eyes.
"Oh God, Reid," he choked out before sliding his hand behind Reid's neck and pressing their lips together.
Everything went dizzy and confused the second their lips touched. Heat and cold together rushed through his body. There were wonderful, almost painful throbs of pleasure between his legs. He ran his fingers wildly through Reid's hair, tugging at his locks. He broke the kiss for only a second, just a second enough to get air, and he caught a glimpse of Reid's expression. He looked beautifully shocked, with his hair mussed and his lips raw and red.
"You are so fucking beautiful," he said in astonishment.
Reid smiled shyly. He leaned forward, resting his head on Hotch's chest. It was a daring gesture, Hotch thought. A small gesture, but it was vulnerable, and that was enough for him. He wrapped his arms around Spencer's waist, holding him tightly for a moment. The words from the journal came back to him, and he found himself saying them out loud.
"There's a good boy." He felt Reid quiver in his arms, and he began to rock him back and forth. Reid clung to him, raising his face to press small, bashful kisses against Hotch's neck.
Such a good boy, Spencer. You're so good. You feel so-
"Let's go to your bedroom," Hotch said. His voice had changed. It was soft, but with something dark beneath it. Reid leaned back, looking at him in confusion.
"Because I want to do things to you." He ran his hand through Reid's hair again, slowly. His voice seemed an entity all its own now, not attached to him or to his insecurities. For now, he could pretend, and it was working.
Reid's lips were trembling, but Hotch could see a hint of a smile. "Are you sure?"
Hotch's body moved before his brain could become afraid and stop him. His hand slid down Reid's chest and firmly grasped Reid's erect dick.
"Agh!" Reid let out a shrill cry and sank against Hotch, grasping his shoulders. His mouth hung open and he moaned breathily against his boss's chest. Small, high pitched sounds escaped his lips as Hotch began to stroke him with nearly torturous deliberation. Reid pressed his body into Hotch's, arching into him so they fit perfectly. His head rolled back, inviting small bites and kisses from the man touching him. "Come on," he pulled him backwards, bumping into the arm of the couch. He grabbed Hotch's shirt and shoved him to the side and back, pushing him onto the couch. Hotch reached out and pulled Reid to him, running his hands up and down Reid's thighs. Reid straddled him, kissing him deeply with his hands behind Hotch's neck.
He pulled at Reid's vest, grabbing the shirt beneath and pulling it out from the waist of his pants. He kissed the exposed skin frantically, biting and sucking him, leaving small red spots on Reid's slender hips. He pushed up into him, desperate for friction. Was it his imagination, or was Reid lifting away from him slightly?
Hotch groaned. "Please, Reid." He held Reid's shoulders and tried to push him back down. He could feel Reid smiling against his lips. "You're evil," Hotch said.
He reached down between his legs and began to touch himself. He stroked hard, harder than he was used to on his own. He could feel it building inside him. His head was tingling with dizziness, made worse by Reid pulling his hair and nibbling on his ear. He was so close he could almost taste the afterglow.
He practically screamed when Reid took his hand away.
"No no no-" Hotch whined, writhing at the loss of contact.
"Not yet." Reid took his vest off and threw it casually onto the floor. Hotch took over, fumbling at the buttons of his shirt. He could barely see through the painfully aroused haze he was in. How could he be this bad at unbuttoning a shirt? He unbuttoned his own every day. He let out a groan of frustration, and ripped it off of him.
"Hey!" Reid protested for a moment before Hotch crashed their lips together. The squeak of surprise he got from Reid was almost enough to push him over the edge. He kissed down Reid's throat and chest. He let his lips linger over Reid's nipple, his tongue sticking out and brushing teasingly against Reid's nipple. Reid groaned into him, still trying to keep his hips away from Hotch's lap but wanting to press him tightly to him. Reid jumped off the couch clumsily.
"Where are you going?" Hotch gasped.
"You wanted to go to my bedroom," Reid unbuckled his belt and threw it on the floor. He shyly let his fingers trace over Hotch's erection. The sharp sigh that the touch elicited made Reid bolder. He took his boss by the hand, "Come on." He raised an eyebrow when Hotch reached down to bring his jacket with him, but said nothing about it, and led him into his bedroom.
"This room looks familiar," Hotch said with a timid smile. He brought Reid to him again in a deep kiss. He felt less nervous when he was just kissing Reid, and he didn't have to think about anything but how good it felt. But now, in the bedroom, it all became real, and terrifying.
"Hotch, you're shaking," Reid said, trying to get him to meet his gaze. "Are you okay?"
Hotch furrowed his eyebrows in an expression that was all too familiar. For a second, Reid was afraid that the Hotch he knew, his boss, was going to "come to his senses" and put a stop to everything. He couldn't let that happen.
"Don't think, Aaron." Reid said firmly. "Here," he guided him to the edge of the bed and pushed him down. He undid Hotch's pants and pulled them harshly off his body. His eyes got dark for a flicker of a second at the sight of him. His breathing fast and hard. He lay down next to him and kissed his cheek, his neck, his neck, his shoulder, running his hand up and down Hotch's chest. Each time it traveled it got closer to what it wanted.
"Reid, I'm…what if this is a bad idea?" Hotch said, "This could be a terrible idea, what if- Jesus!"
He thrust his hips upward, into the fist that Reid had curled around him. He was stroking him hard, almost aggressively.
"You were saying?" Reid grinned.
"No-nothing, I don't know." Hotch's voice was coming out strained and breathy. "I don't know what I was saying."
"Don't think," Reid said again. Please don't think, Aaron. Because if you do you'll put a stop to this and I think if you rejected me now I would never recover.
"Ok. Just…just keep doing that and I won't be able to." He licked his lips and arched his back obscenely. Reid shuddered. This was better than he could have imagined. Aaron Hotchner was hard, because of him, he was on his bed, laid out wantonly and thrusting into his hand. And it was real. This wasn't in his daydreams or in his journal.
He pressed his lips to Hotch's chest again, and found himself trailing down his stomach, kissing messily. He let go of his dick, sensing Hotch was close.
Hotch gasped and cried out at the sudden absence of touch. He clawed at the blankets and ground his hips into the bed.
Reid smiled at him from between his legs, "Somebody's squirmy." His voice dropped, "What do you want, Hotch?"
Hotch writhed, "I don't know," he said lethargically. "I just, I just want you."
"I want you too, Hotch," he nuzzled Hotch's inner thigh with his head, planting kisses and biting gently. "But what do you want me to do?"
"God, I don't know…I have no idea."
Reid's tongue flicked out and swirled the head of Hotch's penis. He had to press Hotch's hips down into the bed to keep him from taking more than Reid was willing to give at the moment. "Well," he said, "what part of my journal did you enjoy the most?"
I want it. I want him.
"Spread your legs." He tells me. And I do.
The words he'd memorized played through his head. He was desperate to tell him; the plea was in his throat but, even now, lying naked with his subordinate between his legs, he was too ashamed.
"Don't be afraid, Hotch. Tell me what you want."
"I want-I want…" Come on, just tell him. Just admit it to yourself, and then admit it to him.
Reid spoke up quietly, "Do you want to fuck me?"
Hotch sucked his breath in sharply. The shock was double; he knew that Reid was a genius, of course, and he knew that he was a brilliant profiler, but he didn't realize he was a mind reader. And actually hearing Reid say "fuck" was both surprising and incredibly erotic.
Hotch nodded. "Yes."
"Good," Reid said. He pressed soft kisses along the length of Hotch's erection, making him shudder. "Good. I want you to fuck me."
He sat up and straddled his boss suddenly, grinding into him and leaning over to kiss him.
"Wait-" Hotch said when the kiss broke for a moment. "Wait a second, I need to get something out of my jacket."
Reid moved off of him, with a look amused suspicion. "What is it?" He heard the crinkling of plastic, and Hotch tossed a small grocery bag onto the bed.
Hotch cleared his throat. "I, um, picked up some things on my way here. Just in case. I wasn't, really, expecting…"
Reid grinned widely, "Condoms and lubricant? Why, Aaron Hotchner, you had this all planned out, didn't you?" He clasped his hand over Aaron's when he saw him blush. "I think that's really sweet." Hotch leaned forward and kissed him. I could get used to this, he thought. They were on their knees, facing each other, kissing wildly and pressing their aching groins together. He wrapped his arms around Reid's thin waist, his hands running along his skin. His shoulder blades, his ribs, his faint muscles, he could feel everything. Reid was letting him explore his body, and it was the most exhilarating thing he had ever felt. He was reveling in the sight of Reid's thin abdomen and the visible hip bones that his khaki pants hung off of. He fumbled with the button and zipper and pulled them down forcefully enough to pull the boxer shorts along with them. His eyes widened at the sight of Reid completely naked. "Oh God, Reid, you're…"
Reid looked away, tucking his hair behind his ears and biting his lip.
Coquette, Hotch thought with a smile. He pulled Reid close to him, trying to calm his own pounding heart. Reid held onto him; their skin was warm together and the contact sent little electrical tingles throughout their bodies. Reid's nimble fingers grabbed the bottom of Hotch's shirt and lifted it up. The fabric ripped, and Reid smiled. "Just paying you back." He leaned in close, ""I want you to fuck me now," he whispered in his ear.
Hotch shook, "I'm so afraid of hurting you, Spencer."
"Don't be." Reid took Hotch's hand and placed it between his legs. He sank against his boss as he stroked him. "I want it to hurt."
"Okay," Hotch nodded. "Lay down, on your stomach." His hands shook as he opened the condom wrapper and rolled it onto himself. He took a deep breath. His head was spinning. He had never known how much he had wanted this. He had never expected this from Reid, much less from himself.
He poured the lubricant on his fingers first and placed one delicately against Reid's ass. He stroked the entrance there apprehensively, but was urged on by the way Reid moaned and arched his back up into the touch.
"I want you inside me," he breathed into the blankets, clawing at the pillow. "I need to feel you, Hotch, please."
Hotch was aching to be inside him. He was terrified, but the desire for the beautiful man in front of him, naked and wanting him, was much stronger. He poured the lubricant on himself, running his hand along the length and wiping the rest on Reid's entrance. He knew Reid said he wanted to be hurt, but he couldn't do that, could he?
Hotch took another deep breath. "Okay. Tell me if this hurts too much." He began to push. He felt himself going in slowly, agonizingly slowly, feeling Reid tightening over the most sensitive area of his body. It took all his strength not to just shove inside of him and pound until he had relief.
Small, high pitched moans were escaping Reid's lips as he tried to push up into Hotch. His breath was heavy.
"Does that hurt?" Hotch asked fearfully.
"A little," Reid said.
Hotch panicked and stopped. He tried to pull out, shouted in surprise and pain when Reid reached behind him and grabbed him by the hair.
"Don't stop," Reid said vehemently. "Don't you dare stop. I told you, I want you to hurt me." He loosened his grip on Aaron's hair, lightly stroking his scalp. "Push in harder."
Aaron gulped. He couldn't deny it was what he wanted. He wanted to be completely inside him, he wanted it more than anything.
So he pushed.
Reid screamed out, his fingers curling around the sheets so hard his knuckles turned white. The scream turned into a low sigh. "That's it," he said, licking his lips. "Do it again."
Hotch pulled back slightly, getting another whimper from Reid who was struggling beneath him. He pushed back in forcefully. Reid grunted, muffling the sound by burying his face in the pillow. He reached around and took Hotch by the hand. He lifted his hips slightly and put his hand over his erection, now even harder than before.
"Touch me, Hotch, please," he sighed. "Hurt me."
Hotch awkwardly tried to stroke Reid while pulling out and pushing into him. It took a moment to find the rhythm to it. Focusing on that made him less concerned with the pain he was inflicting, the pain his lover was enjoying, apparently, and more aware of how incredible he felt. He was pounding into him, pressing into his body and biting into his shoulders and back. They were both moaning and breathing out words that meant nothing, begging "please" without knowing what it was they were begging for.
Hotch shifted slightly, and when he pushed into him again, Reid gasped loudly. "Do that again," he said. His voice was filled with something like wonder, and Hotch couldn't help smiling. He pushed back in, hitting the same spot. "Fuck!" Reid cried out. "Fuck, oh God, Hotch- Aaron," he corrected. "You feel so good, you feel so amazing."
"So do you," Hotch kissed his back and shoulders feverishly. His nails were digging into Reid's shoulder, and then scraped up to grab a fistful of Reid's hair and tugging hard. Reid shrieked, but kept thrusting both into Hotch's hand and back against his erection. I can't escape, he thought. He has me pinned and no matter which way I go, he is there. I can't escape.
That thought was enough. He cried out, grasping at the pillows and behind him onto his lover's back, clawing at him as he called out his name. "Oh God, Hotch, I'm coming, I'm going to…" he moaned and thrust back into him once more, as hard as he could. Hotch could feel the orgasm surge from Reid, throbbing and pulsing as the muscles around his own erection squeezed. The feeling in his hand and around his dick was too sublime. He pulled Reid's hair once more, harder than before, and he let go inside of Spencer Reid.
They lay like that for they didn't know how long. Their hearts beat loudly, echoing through their own bodies and passing into each other's. They were sweating, their hands were tangled in each other. Their bodies covered in bite marks and bruises, and in the signs of their pleasured relief.
Hotch pulled out of him, and rolled over onto his back. He let out deep breaths and closed his eyes. He felt Spencer's warm body move to press itself against his own. He wrapped his arms around him and kissed him on the forehead. "I never felt anything remotely close to that."
"Neither have I," Reid smiled. "That was better than anything I ever wrote about." He grew quiet and thoughtful.
"Are you okay?" Hotch asked nervously. Please don't say this was a mistake…
"Have you told anybody else, about, you know, what you found out?"
"No, just you. But I'll report it in the morning, I promise."
"That's not what I was getting at," Reid said. He draped his body across Hotch's, "I was just thinking-"
"Of course you were," Hotch snickered.
Reid slapped him jokingly, "Just listen. I was thinking, if you and I were going to have a, um, a relationship," he had to stop himself from smiling like a maniac at the thought, "if we were going to have a relationship, and continue working together at the BAU, we would need her to approve of an exception to the fraternization policy, right?"
"Well, we could use what you know, and offer to keep it to ourselves, if she would just leave us alone, couldn't we?"
"Spencer Reid," Hotch said, keeping a deadpan tone, "are you suggesting we blackmail one of my superiors?"
Reid felt his heart beat faster. He was suddenly reminded of the fact that Hotch was still his boss. He had crossed a line. Would he believe it if he said he was joking? Of course not. "It was just an idea," he said quietly.
Hotch pulled Reid back enough so he could kiss his lips deeply. "Did anyone ever tell you you're a genius?"
Reid let out a sigh of relief. He grinned, "I've heard something like it before."
Hotch kissed him again, stroking Reid's hair. He wrapped his arms around him and held him tighter. "This was…I've never felt this way, Reid. I never knew making love with someone could be that incredible."
Reid's body tightened. He didn't want the conversation to involve Hotch's ex-wife in any way. Hotch was his. She didn't belong here, and neither did anyone else. "I didn't either. No one has ever made me feel like this."
"Were there- I mean, have there been many others?" Hotch didn't want to know the answer, unless of course the answer was no. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked that. It's none of my business."
"Are you jealous, Aaron?" Reid kissed his chest and took one of his nipples gently between his teeth.
"Maybe I am," Hotch said. "You're rare, Spencer Reid, and I want to keep you."
Reid smiled wickedly, "Yes sir. I'm all yours."
They lay together so long that time did not matter. Silent and content, they were tangled together long past the sunset.
The English poet John Donne once said: Humiliation is the beginning of sanctification.
I hope very much that you liked that! I was trying to figure out how to end it with things being semi resolved…I hope there aren't inconsistencies or anything. I ended up piecing together bits of the older segment with what I was coming up with after, and tried to make sure things made sense but I'm silly and may have missed something.
Thank you to everybody for reading and reviewing :D you are all fantastic.
I have to give oodles of thanks to Ihli, who helped ridiculously with my writer's block! She offered the idea of power exchange/role reversal with Reid and Hotch, and with the decision that they could use Strauss's evil actions for good. Thank you thank you thank you! Everybody should check out her page…Her "Reality TV" story was one of the first Criminal Minds fanfics I read, and from then on I was hooked.
Thank you again to everybody for being so great and giving feedback! You rock.