What a perfect evening. It was everything I have ever hoped for minus that he refused to make love to me. I want to be with him in every way I can. I don't know what time it is and I can smell Dean all around me. I snuggle into that scent and rest a bit longer. I slowly open my eyes and focus on a flower laying on the pillow next to mine. I grab it and smile at it. Of course Dean would do something wonderful like that. I notice that his leather jacket is placed over me. Maybe he went to get us breakfast.
I sit up and I see that the bedside table next to me is set up. There is a coffee maker ready and a toaster with a bagel in it. The ice bucket is mostly melted but has cream cheese and cream in it. I smile at Dean's thoughtfulness. There is a note that says hit power and pull the leaver down on the toaster. I chuckle and start them both.
Yesterday started so stressful but it ended to perfectly. First Sam and I got in a huge fight about me telling Dean how I felt. I told him it was impossible but he said that Dean deserves to know. I thought it would be impossible for him to love me back. But I was so wrong.
Then after I called Rick and Luke Uncle Gabe came to see me. He begged me to tell Dean how I felt . He told me that it would give me peace knowing that he might leave this world knowing how I felt. And it would give Dean something to hold on to in hell. We got into a tiff and I told him not to meddle where he was not invited.
When I thought they could not mettle anymore at the bar I could sense them there. I looked up and I saw Uncle Gabe and Cas messing with the juke box and change it to a Guns N Roses song that could not have better explained how we felt that night. I could not help myself from telling him. Maybe it was the alcohol or maybe I just realized I had to get this off my chest. I told him. I told him my deepest secret. He then responded with a kiss. I could feel in that kiss that he loved me back.
Back at the room when I asked him to make love to me I know the angels were there. I could sense them outside the room. I could sense my Uncles and Balthazar there. I think that Michael may have been there too. We both heard the crash and If I had to guess Zachariah and a few of his cronies were trying to keep me from making love to Dean and they were there to stop them. They always said it was my choice.
After we spoke I realized we both felt the same way for each other and for a long time. If we were smarter we would have both spoken up and been together for a long time. Maybe if we had told each other the truth we could have avoided this entire soul selling fiasco to begin with.
I wonder where Dean is? I roll over and put the cream cheese on the bagel and pour myself a cup of coffee and one for Dean. I stretch out and love how well loved my body feels at the moment. My bag is open next to the bed and I pull out a pair of jeans and a tight tank top. I don't want to shower and risk removing Dean's mark. I will forever be Dean Winchester's and he will forever be Lara Maywin's.
Where the hell is the clock? What time is it? Something feels wrong. Our room faces East it shouldn't be dark it should be filled with light. I can't help the panic that bubbles up from my stomach. I fumble around my purse searching for my phone. I finally find it and pull it out 8:30 pm?! What the hell? Am I dreaming? I pinch myself tightly, nope not dreaming. "Dean?!" I call out into the dark room. No response. I pull out my phone and find Dean's name and hit send. It only rings a few times. "Dean where are you?" I ask frantically into the phone.
"Calm down love everything is fine." He responds calmly. I relax just a bit. Dean will fix this. "Dean my phone says its 8:30 pm and you are not here." I cry into the phone still feeling overwhelmed and confused.
There is a long pause on the other line. "Lara I am sorry."
"What are you sorry about Dean?" I ask confused.
"Lara I had to do something that I knew you would not like to save your life." He tells me. I don't respond waiting for him to explain. "When we were in Jensen and Liv's life I asked Chad if we knew what happened at the end of the season. He said that I die and that you were ripped apart by hell hounds and most likely dead. I could not risk that squirt."
It takes a moment but it starts to sink in. "What are you saying Dean?" I need to hear it from him. There is a long pause then he starts. "I drugged you so that you would sleep long enough to not be able to be here for this. I could not risk you dying. I had to know that you lived. I could not survive your death."
"Did you fake last night to drug me!?" I shout into the phone. Please God he could not have faked that. I felt his love in every kiss, every touch. There is no way that was fake unless he thought it was the only way to subdue me enough to drug me. That is why he wouldn't make love to me.
"No Lara! How can you even suggest that? You know me better than that. Think of how I held you, how I kissed you. Is there any way to fake the love in every single touch? Nothing that I said or did with you last night was a lie. I love you Lara past my last breath." He reassures me into the phone. "You are everything to me baby. Never doubt that."
"Then why don't you want me with you? We should be spending all the time we can together. You chose to take those hours away from us." Can't he see how wrong this is?
"If I could Lara I would have spent all my last moments with you. I would have loved to see your face for my last vision but Lara you were going to die. I had to do this. I had to sacrifice that to keep you alive." He sounds so sincere.
"I am going to try and make it there!" I yell at him.
"You can try put I will hope you fail." He tells me sadly.
There is nothing I can say right now. My heart breaks. I feel the tears pour from my eyes. "Tell me you love me Dean. I need to hear it."
"I love you Lara. I love you more than anything from the first moment I set my eyes on you until my soul burns up and no longer exists." I can't help but sob into the phone. "Please stay in the hotel room and stay safe. I left a note for you. Please read it and wait until I call you at midnight and if I can't Sam will."
"I can't promise that Dean. I am coming for you. I will make sure I am the last face you see. I love you just has much and I need to see you." I then hang up the phone. I love him but I feel betrayed. I stumbled over the things that are piled up on the dresser. There is a small box, his amulet, a cd in a case and a letter that has my named scrawled in Dean's writing on it. The amulet is cold so I know he has been gone for hours because he never takes it off. I pull it over my head and it sits just below my dream catcher. I pick up the letter and open it.
I know that you are going to have a hard time understanding why I did what I did. When we were in that other world I had to know that you were safe after my deal was due. Chad said that in the finale it ends with me dead and you ripped apart by hell hounds and Sam sobbing over your body begging you to live. I could not risk that. I had to make sure that you survived tonight. I could not go to hell worrying that you weren't on earth to survive me. I love you too much to allow you to die.
A part of me wishes that I had grown a pair of balls years ago and told you that I loved you then. I can only imagine what wonderful path our lives would have taken had that been the case. But there was something also perfect about last night. Every word, every touch, every kiss was better than I could have ever imagined and in reality I don't regret anything. Just so you know if you ever show Sam this letter I would deny ever writing it...(Just so you know I am smiling and winking at you right now.)
There is so much I wish I could have told you still though. I may not have the time to tell you but I can show you. If I don't survive tonight I want you to take the dvd that was on top of this letter and watch it when you can. I hope that it will explain how I feel about you.
If things had gone differently if I had been a different, possibly better man, I could have died with the knowledge that you were mine, Mrs. Winchester. The small box holds what is yours anyways. Please accept it but don't let it stop you from finding happiness. If you find a man that can make you happy please take it. It will make me happy knowing that are happy. I know it might take time for you to feel like you can love again but you can Lara.
Last night that was the best night of my life and I hope that we have many more but if we don't I just want you to know I love you. You are my other half, my soul mate. I will love you forever Lara and the memories I have made with you will keep me sane in hell.
I love you.
I reread the note over and over again just pouring over his words, my heart breaking. He does love me that is sure. I pick up the small box and open it slowly and let out a sob. It's his mothers engagement ring. I take it out of the box and slip it on my finger. He should have been the one slipping it on my finger from one knee. But it fits so well like it was always meant to be on my finger. I wore it once before for a hunt but it feels heavier now. Feels more real.
The dvd says for Lara and that is it. I pick it up and tuck it in safely in my bag along with Dean's folded leather jacket. "Uncle Cas? Uncle Gabe?" I cry out. Within moments the room is filled with the sound of flapping wings and they are both with me. They envelope me in their arms, wings, and grace. "Please get me to him. I have to be there." I cry out into their shoulders.
Uncle Gabe runs hands through my hair. "Darling I would love to but he is right. If you are there you will die. We are forbidden to take you." His words don't soothe me like they normally do. I cry harder. "Please I need to be with him."
My Uncles share a look and I know they are debating something without words. After a few minutes Uncle Cas takes in a deep breath. "Tonight is unavoidable. We cannot stop Lilith from taking Dean's soul. He made a deal. There is nothing we can do to stop her from taking it."
I raise my head and look him in eyes, my vision clouded with tears. "I wish there was something we could do but our hands are tied. We are not allowed to interfere with the decisions you all make on earth." He says sadly. I know he would do something if he could. He loves me to much not too. I collapse on him. "Please can one of you at least drive with me."
They both shake their heads and they help me gather what I have left spread around the room. There is a bulky envelope taped to my bedroom door and I pull it off and rip it open spilling a set of keys.
I agree with him but I know you. It's parked in front of your door.
Low and behold there is a car sitting in front of my room and the keys work to open it. I guess this is the car that Sam stole to get here. Uncle Gabe offers to drive but I need the control right now. I need to be the one to drive. I need to feel the speed.
"Last night did Zachariah try to break into the room?" I ask them both. They both chuckle softly and Uncle Gabe touches me arm softly. "He did not like you asking Dean to make love to you so he tried to break in and stop it. But don't worry Castiel, Balthazar, Michael, and I kept him from interrupting. I told you it was always your choice dear and it is."
I knew they were there. I drive like a crazy woman for the next 3 hours. I am pretty sure that Uncle Gabe and Cas have used their grace to keep the cops from stopping me because I know that I have broken just about every traffic law there is.
At 11:58 my phone rings and I dive for it. "Dean?" I shout into the phone. "Lara I am sorry. I don't think we can beat her. I just wanted to hear your voice. I love you Lara."
"I love you too Dean. Please just hold on I am no more than 5 minutes away. I can help you kill her. Please Dean just hold on." I beg him.
"We can't beat her Lara. She is stronger than I ever thought possible for a demon. The hell hounds are already here. Sam and I have locked ourselves in a room and Rick and Luke took care of the demons outside. I just... Lara I wish we had... well I wish we had more time. But no amount of time would have been enough. I love you."
Growls start to penetrate the sound on the other side of the phone. "Fight it Dean! I will be there soon! I love you! I am 4 minutes away!"
There is a garbled voice on the other side and I hear Ruby's voice but it sounds nothing like her. "I am taking what is mine Winchester. It is time."
"DEAN I LOVE YOU!" I shout into the phone. I want him to hear me last. "Dean I will love you until someone makes my soul stop existing. Dean please fight it."
It is hard to hear on the other line but I know I am on speaker because of the talk back. I hear Sam and Ruby's body fighting and Dean trying to fight off the hell hounds. "I LOVE YOU LARA!" He screams into the phone.
"I LOVE YOU DEAN!" Then the phone is filled with the sounds of muscle being ripped from the bone. "DEAN!" I scream out.
The only sound is blood gurgling and animals feeding. Then I hear Sam's body hit the floor. "Dean, oh god Dean!" He cries out. I am to late I know it. Just 3 minutes to late.
I pull up the house and leave the car still on in the driveway not even bothering saying good bye to my Uncles. I run into Rick and Luke at the front door. "Don't go in there baby girl you don't need to see this." Luke tells me has I push past them. I rip open the front door and run through the house following the sounds of Sam's sobs. The sight in front of me is hard to accept. Sam is crying over Dean's body. God his body is ripped to shreds. His chest is ripped open and I can see where the hounds have gnawed on him. The blood bubbling out of his body.
I drop to my knees next to his body and collapse on him. "Dean!" Please just move Dean. "I love you Dean." I sob into his open chest. I can feel his blood saturating my clothes. For a moment I am glad I left his coat in my bag. "Dean please don't leave me not now."
The room seems to freeze and I feel my Uncles with me next to Sam's unmoving body and Dean's still bleeding corpse. "Fix him please! Bring him back!" I beg them.
Uncle Cas sits next to me and puts his arms around me. "Please save him Uncle Cas! Please bring him back. I need him. I love him." My tears are mixing with his blood and we are one again.
"I am sorry dear. He is gone. His soul is forfeit to hell." He whispers into my hair has he holds me. "Uncle Gabe?" I ask him with a shaky voice. Please can't one of them do something. What is the point of having guardian angels and spending my whole life with them and if they can't keep me from this one heart break.
"Yes dear?" He asks running a hand through my hair. "Can you bring him back to me."
He doesn't respond for awhile. "If any of us ever have that power we will let me him know his squirt sent him." Nothing is certain. The room changes and Uncle Gabe cloaks himself and Sam starts to move again.
"We need to go Lara." He tells me softly. I shake my head no. "Not without him." I respond. Sam stands up and comes back with bedding.
"I need to wrap him up Lara so we can get him in the car." I don't want to let go of him but he is right . For us to get him home we need to wrap him. Dean would be infuriated with me if he comes back and his car is filled with blood. I help Sam gently wrap Dean in the sheets from the beds of the house. I refuse to allow him to cover his face yet though.
Before we leave he grabs a few quilts and lays them out in the back seat of the impala. Rick and Luke help Sam take Dean's body to the car and lay it in the back seat. Before they can shut the door I push them out of the way and crawl into the back seat. I lay my body out next to him and hold him to me. I need to feel him one last time.
They don't say anything and Sam shuts the door behind me. I can hear them talking outside the car but I don't care what they say. I kiss Dean's face tasting his blood on my lips but I don't care. "I am here Dean. I love you." I whisper into his cooling ear.
The car door opens and Sam comes in and turns it on. He doesn't say anything just starts to drive. I know that Uncle Gabe is keeping our car safe. If anyone was to look in the back seat I can only imagine the uproar it would cause, but I don't care. I need him.
I hold his body in my arms the entire drive. I pull him to me and whisper that I love him over and over again. I pepper his face, his lips, his neck with kisses. I tell him the life that we will have because I won't rest until I have rescued him. I tell him about the first time I realized I love him. I tell him everything I wish I had more time say. His body remains immobile and he does not respond yet I can feel that he knows what I am saying.
"We would have been really happy Dean. Possibly happier then Liv and Jensen because we waited so long to be together and we have known each other since we were children. I can see us making a life like them. We would have a small house not fancy like theirs but more like us. We would still hunt but have a home together. Money would be tight but we would have so much fun pulling that house together. I would vote that our first purchase be a bed. A really big awesome comfy mattress. The rest will come with flea markets and a little bit of elbow grease but we need that mattress for everything I plan on doing with you. Then down the road we would have a baby. I can see what our beautiful baby would have looked like. He would have your pouty lips and your green eyes and my dark hair. You would have fallen hopelessly in love with him when the doctors put him in your arms after I gave birth and I know you would have died to protect him. Our life would have been blessed Dean." If Sam hears me he doesn't acknowledge it. He lets me have this drive with Dean.
"I wish I had told you everything I felt sooner. I can only imagine how you would have responded to a 17 year old me telling you that I love you. I assume you would have fought me on it at first. Telling me that I way to young and didn't know what I want. But eventually you would have caved because you felt the same way. Man my uncle Bobby would have castrated you." God we have been so stupid and because of it we only got one night.
All of the bumps in the road tell me that I am home. Each divot in the road reminding me that once I am home someone is going to try and take Dean's body from me and I am not ready for that yet. Sam stops the car and sits in there quietly for a few minutes before I hear him get out of the car. I keep my body turned and holding Dean.
The voices outside the car tell me that Rick, Luke, Sam, Jo, Uncle Bobby, and Aunt Karen are all out there but I can't focus on their words I can only think about the body in my arms. "I'm not going to leave you Dean." I whisper into his ear.
The door creaks open and I feel a pair of hands touch my ankle. "Honey why don't you come inside dear." My aunt Karen says calmly but I can hear the tears in her voice. "Come on darling come out of the car."
"No." I moan out. I can't leave the car. It's Dean's. It smells like him and it even feels like him. "Honey please come out of the car and come inside dear." She tells me again. I just shake my head no. I can't leave him.
The door near my head opens and I see my Uncle Bobby knelling in front of the door and he reaches out and touches my hair. "Honey you need to come inside and we need to bury Dean."
"NO! You can't bury him. Please I'm not ready for that yet." Uncle Bobby shakes his head slowly. "How about you and Dean both move into the house for a bit then. Then we will figure out what we need to do."
That I think I can do. I shake my head slowly yes still unwilling to let go of him yet. I feel Uncle Bobby's arms start to pull me out of the car and I try to cling to Dean but I know we can't get him into the house that way. Once he gets me out I look down at Dean's pale body in the car. "Bring him in you promised." I whisper into my uncle's chest.
"We are honey just relax." He starts to carry me into the house and I twist around to see Sam, Luke, and Rick getting Dean out of the car. Once he is out Rick gets his legs and Luke gets his arms while Jo latches on to Sam and holds him.
"Take us to my room." I tell them. Uncle Bobby carries me into the house and I feel him take me up the stairs and into my room. He sets me on my feet and I Rick and Luke bring Dean in behind us. "Put him on the bed please." I tell them.
Once he is on the bed I look at them. "Please leave us." I can tell that Sam wants to fight me on that request but Jo grabs his hand and they all leave the room. "Uncle Cas?" I pray out.
It only takes a moment and I hear his wings flutter and I know he is with me. I feel his grace and wings surround me in a protective bubble. "I am here dear."
For a few minutes I don't bother speaking. I just soak in the love I can from his grace. "Uncle Cas can you please fix him. I know you can't bring him back but please his body make it whole just for a bit longer." I beg him.
"I can make him whole until they come back. Sam, Jo, Rick, and Luke would not understand if his body was made whole again." The pressure in the room changes and I move to Dean's body. I pull the sheets off his chest and the residual blood sticks to his skin but has I peal it back I see the his skin is mended and no longer ripped open. His skin has a bit more color to it and for just a moment I can pretend he is still with me. I climb into the bed next to him and his muscles are still limber. I guess Dean was able to get rid of rigor mortis for just a while at least. I lay down into his arms and warp myself around him.
Uncle Cas combs his fingers through my hair. "Lara I have to go on a mission starting tonight. I will not be around until my mission is complete. I wish I could stay with you especially now when you will need us so much but I have to go. Your Uncle Gabe, my brother Michael, and my brother Balthazar will be here with you any time you need them."
I turn my neck and look at them. "Please don't leave Uncle Cas. I need you." He gives me a sad smile and kisses my forehead. "If I didn't have to go I would stay but I have too." I shake my head in understanding.
"Take this time with him. When they come his body will revert back to how it should be. I love you Lara and I need you stay strong for me." I don't respond and pull Dean closer into me. I need this with him. His body may not be responsive but it's enough for me to just hold him. I continue to talk to him about whatever comes into my head.
They leave me alone for a long time and it's not till the light outside fades to dark that anyone knocks on my door. "Lara it's me. We need to bury him Lara." Sam tells me from outside the door. I don't respond and he tries the handle and it opens up. The moment the door opens Dean's body changes back to how it was. It goes cold and stiff around me.
"I don't want to bury him Sam. He will need his body when I get him back." I hold on tight not willing to lose him. "We aren't going to give him a hunter's burial Lara. We will leave his body intact. Please come out with me Lara."
Sam's hands come around my arms and starts to pull me out of the bed and away from Dean. "No Sam please..." I cry out. I don't even know how I have tears left but I do. Sam pulls me to his chest. "I am sorry Lara. We have too. Don't worry I will not rest till I bring him back."
Before I can fight him Uncle Bobby comes in the room and they both keep their arms tightly around me. "Come on honey lets go downstairs and get him ready."
I can't fight them. They are right. We have to bury him I just can't stomach the thought of putting him in the ground. They sit me down at the kitchen table and hand me a glass of whiskey. There is a casket sitting in the middle of the living room. "Where did you get that?" I ask my uncle accusingly. Did he not believe that we could save Dean so he bought a casket just in case?
Rick leans down next to me. "Luke and I stole on this afternoon while you were resting chickadee. Don't worry we got him a nice one." He says trying to make me smile. I take a deep swig of my whiskey and like the burning feelings it leaves going down my throat. There is a lot of noise coming down the stairs and I see Sam and Uncle Bobby trying to carry Dean down the stairs to the casket. I jump up and grab his hand before they lower him in. His body is ripped apart again and there is no peace on his face when they lower him in. I hold tightly unto his hand. I don't know if I can let go.
"We are going to go dig up a plot baby girl. Is there anywhere you want it?" Luke asks me from the front door. I think hard. I want it somewhere nice and somewhere I can get to easily. "There is a small field is you walk 20 yards or so from my bedroom window next to the lot." They shake their heads and go outside.
Sam sits on the ground with me staring at his brother. I know this is rough for him to but my heart hurts to much to think about how is he faring. My chest feels like someone has slammed a fist through it and pulled out my heart. How am I supposed to survive this?
Time seems to stop and I don't know how long I have been sitting here on the floor holding Dean's frozen hand. The front door opens and Rick and Luke come through. They give my Uncle Bobby a look and I know the hole is dug. Aunt Karen comes over and kneels down on the ground next to me. "Honey we need to bury him." She whispers into my ear has she holds me. I don't respond.
They all must assume I won't fight them because they move to shut the lid. "If you shut that lid I will rip off your god damned hands and feed it to the dogs out back." I say calmly to my uncle. He jumps back and Aunt Karen holds me tighter. I stand but not letting go of Dean's hand and they all get the gist that we will go out with the casket open for now.
It's difficult to get us all out there. With me holding his hands the lid up but we do. Rick and Luke moved the cars around the plot so we could see. When we get next to it Sam, Rick, Luke, and Uncle Bobby lower the casket to the ground and I kneel down with it. I lean over the lip and kiss Dean's lips softly. "I love you Dean and I will find a way to bring you back." I whisper into them.
Apparently Uncle Bobby did not see this coming because I hear him whisper "What just happened?" To my Aunt Karen and her shush him.
I try to let go of his hand and shut the lid but I can't. "Sam help me." I cry out. He must understand what I mean because he is next to me in a moment and I feel his hand link with mine trying to pry my fingers off Dean's. Once he manages that he pulls my hand back and shuts the lid softly and I fall into Sam's chest sobbing.
Rick, Luke, and Uncle Bobby manage to get the casket in the ground and pick up their shovels to cover it back up. I try to escape Sam's arms once and jump in after him but he manages to trap me. It doesn't take long and the hole is covered. We all start to go inside but I can't leave him. He can't spend his first night alone in the ground. "No I have to stay!" I yell trying to wrestle out of Sam's arms.
"You need to come in Lara. At least shower and eat first honey." Aunt Karen pleads with me. "No I need to be with him! He can't be alone!"
"Why don't we stay with him while you go in eat and take a bath baby girl." Luke suggests from behind me. I shake my head slowly. "Ok just wait till I come back."
They usher me into the house and Sam and I sit together at the table. I can tell he is worried I am going to bolt. He looks just has broken has me right now. I eat a few spoonfuls of the soup that Aunt Karen puts in front of us before I push it away and head upstairs.
I stop in front of the mirror and look at myself for the first time. Shit. I am covered in blood. It looks like I have honest to god been bathing in it. I can just see my eyes peering out through it. "Dean." I cry out touching him still on my skin. I don't want to wash it off but I know I must if I ever want to go out in public again. I strip off my shirt and jeans folding them nicely on the toilet. I will not be washing or throwing them out. They are saturated in Dean's blood and I need to keep it. My hand flutter over my stomach where Dean marked me. I can't shower. "Uncle Gabe." I pray out.
It only takes a moment and he is the small bathroom with me. "What is wrong dear?" He asks me pulling me into his arms. I sink into him. "Dean wrote on me. I can't shower and risk losing it. Can you burn it into my skin."
He chuckles a bit and I give him a incredulous stare. How can be chuckling at a time like this. "Sorry dear. Your Uncle Cas just hates when you get a tattoo. I don't mind though. Of course I will make sure the ink becomes permanent." HIs hand touches my stomach and it's hot for a moment then it's done. "It will never wash off now dear."
"Thank you." I whisper to him. "You can leave now. I need to shower." He leaves and I turn the shower on hot and jump in. I let the hot water scald my skin has I rub the last bit of Dean off my skin. It's hard to wash blood off. Once it dries it sticks to the skin. I scrub at it until I am nothing but a sobbing mess now sitting under a spray of freezing water. I get myself together and turn the water off and dry off.
In my room I find a pair of sweat pants and an old tshirt I am pretty sure was Deans. I put it on and throw my favorite Stanford sweatshirt on over it. I head downstairs and out the door. I pop the trunk to my bug to pull out my sleeping bag. When I get back to Dean's grave Luke and Rick are still there has promised. "Thank you. " I tell them both, opening my sleeping bag over the recently dug grave."
I unzip the sleeping bag slipping into the warm material. I spread my hands over the ground beneath me. "I am here Dean. I won't ever leave you." I tell him and try to fall asleep. I know everyone takes a turn watching me out here and they probably think I am crazy but I don't care. I can't allow Dean to spend his first night in the ground alone.
a/n So I hope you all liked the chapter. let me know what you thought!