The Misadventures of Weapons
Chapter 10: Happy Birthday
Fi awoke that morning on the 24th of January, not feeling the need for sleep. The sun was not shining yet, being that it was five o'clock in the morning and no thing in its right mind wakes up that early to wake up for no particular reason. Heck, not even the Happy Mask Salesman would wake up that late. People do have lives! But that is off topic! Anyway, Fi just awoke on that particular date and time. It was a very special day.
It just so happens that today, this January, is this young girl-sword's first human birthday. Though it was hundreds of years she was given life, it is only today she will be able to celebrate this glorious holiday. Fi smiled as she looked around.
As frequently mentioned, it is her birthday, so it is very obvious that pieces of celebrating cakes and candies should be scattered around her room. She does not know why since she is a weapon and could not process these treats. And even if she could, she would not dare to even touch them. For these cakes were tainted by an evil sorceress by the name of Crocker.
Besides the cakes, she had her variety of mature interests in public view. Her passion for really terribly long novels broke many of the shelves' true purpose for the foreign comics of the future age and many magical items places from within and out of her treasure chest. Sometimes, if you were observant or had vision, you could tell she had a fondness for games. What a weirdo.
The Sword Spirit of the soon-to-be Master Sword decided to go to the treasure chest to retrieve a random object of pure magic and sorcery. Among the artifacts that SHOULD be in the hands of her OWNER, there were a manmade bug named Beetle, a bag of bombs, bow and arrow, the winged demon net capturing device, "potions," a gust bellow, mogma mitts, slingshot, and a whip. You seem to adore these weapons only because they have some sort of importance to you. As if… you will give them to another one day. But that's just imagination talking, surely.
Fi inspected the scroll hanging on her wall. The date was under 1/24/13BC. She had placed a very immature smiley face on said scroll, but this did not matter. Because ONE DAY SHE WILL DIE AND THIS WILL BE PLACED IN A MUSEUM. So the smiley face is important to express that this year was happy unlike the ones to be in the future. …There goes your imagination talking again. Gosh, it's so weird! Fi slowly turned to the piece of cake on her bedside.
"NO!" Fi yelled at the author. "I am SICK of cake! You been making cake all day, and I do not want to get FAT and DIE."
The author does not want to argue and makes the magic of a certain someone let a letter appear on Fi's desk. Fi examined the letter. Cautiously, she opened its secrets.
So what sort of stuff did you get? I know it's like, 5am, but some force told me to write this to you. Heh, it's funny because even though it's your birthday, I got so stuff too. Isn't that just fabulous? I found this green pie in the dungeon next to some really big goblin. He had horns. HORNS. Man, it was so cool that I came out with my limbs still in tact. It taste fabulous.
After reading the heartwarming letter, Fi decided to look out the window. She saw the view of the castle gardens. Hanging from the tree were the many corpses of the spirit of the Chosen Hero who just was called Zelda one too many times. Besides that, it was perfectly safe child's yard. And there beside the bloody corpses was the postal office. It was dancing, so according to Zelda logic, this must mean there is mail. Definitely not chance mailboxes are trying to rule the world.
Fi was about to rush out the window until she spotted her owner, Hylia, her arch nemesis. The child decided to forget it and check the mail later. Because if you went downstairs to get it, she will likely destroy precious time you could be wasting to goof out. Goddesses, she's so weird. Sometimes she makes you feel as though you are nothing more than a tool for offence and defense. So very weird.
But since the author of this story realizes 6am isn't a good thing to write fanfiction, Fi went downstairs.
A gruesome smell slapped Fi in the face like a giant hand of stink and smell. Something wicked this way is definitely coming from the lair of death and despair. It must be the warning signs of her idiotic owner inviting the vicious Crocker into your house. The odor of her schemes shriek out from the gallows. Fi then realized her mission was more fierce than imagined.
Bravely, Fi screamed like a sissy and ran out in the outside place. …I wonder what that looks like…
Fi decided that since she had exited the house so bravely, she should at least check the mail. Obviously, the mailbox was empty. It looks like she just wasted our lives.
The gardens are empty as she remembers the adventures. The gale of mages give the world an eerie feeling. It was her first human birthday, yet something feels very unsettling about it all. Presently, Fi had been having nightmares, illusions, of the predicament of the death of all who live currently. It's a terrible feeling; sometimes she wonders why she bothers sleeping with each night being more gore than the last.
Fi shook her head and turned to the grand door. It seemed the door became locked and she left the keys inside. Stupid, stupid sword. She peered through the window like a helpless puppy. The spirit attempted to stare through the window, but it seemed that her hypothesis of Crocker was correct: she was in the house. However, she could see the outlines of everything to everyone. She saw two women and three packages.
"Those are mine!" Fi shouted to no one in particular.
Fi grabbed the closest thing she could and threw it through the window. She did this in the name of justice and presents. Also, that tree was pretty annoying over there. But alas, the tree had missed the Crocker sorceress. It just proved its uselessness once more. Dang it.
"Fi, just eat your birthday cake." Hylia pleaded. The little child screamed louder in disagreement. Preposurous! Fi didn't understand why Hylia was torturing her so! Crocker was the witch of all things pleasure and death. It was strictly awful for her to eat such a thing. She was a sword of pure, only the pure ever allow to touch her. It has been tested since a very large bear flew back a few yards away after attempting to hug her. He seemed to be important in the future.
Hylia sighed in annoyance and rubbed her temple. The man standing next to her, Vaati, grumbled as he tapped his red sandal against the stone floor. He huffed and blew at his long lilac hair. His red eyes narrowed in disgust. He was annoyed, obviously. The man named Vaati spoke in an unknown accent. "Can we finish making this "cake" so I can return to my era?"
"NO!" Hylia roared.
Vaati rolled his eye. This was a strange day indeed.
Are you trying to break my laptop? This is the fifth time I've tried updating Misadventures and my laptop breaks. This time, the 'E' key. How am I typing? I'm on my Mom's computer.
P.S. Happy Birthday, little sis. 3