So, I'm not exactly sure if this is what you'd call a crackfic, but it's pretty silly. I got the idea from watching an old interview with Simon Baker and Tim Kang and they talk about how Simon Baker was named sexiest man in a magazine. So that, and a discussion at The Mentalist campaign thread (a place one really ought to go if they'd like an official board to discuss The Mentalist) led to this random fic. Hopefully it'll provide some comic relief if nothing else.
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Jane lay on his couch, hands on his chest, eyes closed. He liked resting here before work began; when he appeared to be sleeping like this, no one disturbed him and he was free to immerse himself in his thoughts and the sounds of the workplace. Well, actually, Lisbon would disturb him, but she wasn't here yet – a fact he found slightly odd given her punctuality and dedication to the job, but he wasn't worried yet. Perhaps she'd picked up breakfast and was eating it somewhere he couldn't steal it from her. The thought pleased Jane.
The CBI consultant returned to listening to his co-workers. They weren't talking, but they were making enough noise that Jane had a clear idea of what was going on behind him. The sound of paper being torn, the sound of paper being crumpled, all indicators that Rigsby was organizing his desk files. Jane also noted that it sounded as though Wayne was tossing the scrunched up bits of paper into the garbage bin across the room; judging by the sound the paper made each time it landed, it appeared that Rigsby was missing most of his shots. After each miss, Rigsby would glance up to ensure that Cho and Van Pelt hadn't noticed and then he'd try his luck again. Only being able to see the back of his head, Rigsby would miss the slight smirk Cho would allow himself each time his co-worker missed the basket. Jane gave Wayne either three more misses or a giggle from Van Pelt to end his little cleaning game.
"Morning, guys," Lisbon greeted the team, sounding unusually cheerful, making Jane almost certain that his breakfast theory about her was correct. Thinking she'd outwitted him always made her happy. "Sorry I'm late," she continued. "I just wanted to make sure everyone got a look at this morning's paper."
Jane made no move to get up. He had a feeling he knew what article Lisbon was talking about and he had no interest in reading it. He'd done an interview the other day, discussing his role with the CBI with a young reporter. He'd come to loathe giving interviews ever since his mistake, so being forced into one by Wainwright irked him greatly. The fact that the reporter had sat on his couch during the interview irked him just a little bit more.
"Wow," Van Pelt said. "Patrick Jane: Sexiest CBI Consultant."
Jane's head shot up. Lisbon stood next to him, grinning from ear to ear. She dropped a copy of the paper in his lap. To Jane's horror, the article had made the front page, including a large picture of him under the upsetting title that was in large, bold letters.
Jane tilted his head up to gape at Lisbon, speechless.
"It's a pretty good picture of you," she commented. "Not sure I'd call it "sexy", but you're getting there."
"This is not funny," Jane said as Rigsby and Van Pelt began to laugh. He got to his feet, clutching the paper in his fist. "Do you realize how easily this could trigger a response from..." he trailed off before mentioning Red John, remembering that he still needed to pretend the man was dead. He hastened to correct his slip up. "...killers," he finished. "If they see the CBI as a silly unit that idolizes workers then we could be in store for some serious backlash from them."
Lisbon shook her head. "Relax. This paper isn't even that well known. It's more of a tabloid for gossip than anything else. I don't see it causing problems. And stop frowning," she added. "You'll wrinkle and lose your title."
Jane opened his mouth to respond, but she cut him off before he could. "Alright, let's get to work," she said, the smile on her face indicating that she was quite pleased with herself for interrupting the consultant's rebuttal. "We've got a double homicide in Long Beach. Cho, Rigsby," she said, gesturing to the two of them. "You guys stay here while I take Van Pelt and the sexiest consultant to check out the crime scene." Jane did his best not to look at Lisbon so he didn't have to see the smirk on her face. He certainly wasn't enjoying this. Possibly irritating Red John was one thing, but the opportunities it was giving Lisbon to make jokes was rubbing him the wrong way, as well. It was his job to do the teasing around here, and even if his co-workers got in a joke or two at his expense, he always had a comeback. Not this time though. That picture, that wretched title...they just left him at a loss for words. Sexiest CBI consultant. Honestly.
Feeling rather sulky, Jane followed Lisbon and Van Pelt out of the office, his mood darkening even further when he saw what was plastered across the wall.
"Really?" he asked, raising an eyebrow as he turned to face a smirking Lisbon. "Exactly how many papers did you get?"
She gave an innocent shrug. "A fair few."
Jane shook his head before walking briskly to the elevator. He'd gone from a perfectly entertaining breakfast theory to...this.
"Wha – in here, too?" Jane spluttered as the elevator doors slid open and revealed its interior.
Lisbon let out a contented sigh before moving past the consultant and into the elevator. "I love this day."
Lisbon parked the car a few metres away from the crime scene, the local police already on the scene.
Jane unbuckled himself and was about to open his door when Lisbon stopped him. "Oh, Jane, I should warn you," she said, placing a hand on his arm. "It's a bit windy you, you might want to be careful you don't mess up your hair."
"Please, Lisbon," Jane said, shaking his head. "You don't get to be CBI's sexiest consultant with hair that can't handle a little wind."
Lisbon raised an eyebrow in confusion at his sudden change of mood, but Jane ignored it, hopping out of the car. Once outside, he allowed himself a small smile; he'd worked out an excellent plan in the car and now it was time to put it in motion.
The three made their way towards the scene, slipping under the caution tape, and then striding towards a police officer that was headed their way.
"We're with the CBI," Lisbon said, briefly holding up her badge. "I'm Agent Lisbon, this is Agent Van Pelt, and this is Patrick Jane, consultant," she explained, gesturing between the three of them.
"Sexiest consultant," Jane amended, thrusting his hand forward to shake the officer's hand.
The man stared at Jane for a moment before replying. "Excuse me?" he asked, ignoring the consultant's outstretched hand entirely.
"I'm the CBI's sexiest consultant," he explained, a broad grin on his face. "She forgot to mention it while she was introducing me, so I added it in for her. Odd, really, that it slipped her mind, seeing as she's been going on about it all morning." Jane turned to smile at Lisbon, whose mouth hung open, her eyes bugging out.
"It's in the papers!" Jane continued, when the police officer remained speechless, his eyes narrowing. "You didn't see it? Not surprising, Lisbon bought most of them up and has been decorating her office with them. There's a picture of me on the front, you see," he said, giving the officer a playful nudge.
"Jane," Lisbon started, having finally found her voice.
"Oh, Lisbon, don't you have some more copies of the paper in your car?" he interrupted. His grin widened even further when he got a look at the nasty expression that was forming on her face. He was beginning to love this day, too.
"Are-are you trying to be funny or something?" the officer asked gruffly, folding his arms across his chest.
Jane shook his head. "Oh, no, of course not. And, just for the record," he said, dropping his voice down to a stage whisper. "Being the sexiest consultant, I never have to try to be funny, I just sort of am. It's like Star Wars, do or do not, there is no –"
"Okay!" Lisbon said, her voice an octave higher than usual. "That's enough. Jane, the bodies. Let's go look at the bodies." She grabbed the consultant's arm and began dragging him towards the victims.
"The demands of being CBI's sexiest consultant, eh?" Jane called back to the officer, cupping his hands over his mouth to increase his volume.
"Just keep walking," Lisbon snapped, giving his wrist another tug.
A few hours later, Jane was back on his couch, this time mulling over the double homicide. He was certain of whom the killer was, he just needed some evidence to prove it.
The sound of footsteps – Lisbon's by the sound of them – interrupted his thoughts. He raised his head and cracked open an eye. It was Lisbon, of course. She was carrying a large recycling bin, nearly full to the top, against her hip and in her right hand she clutched a copy of the now-famous – and loathed by Lisbon – newspaper.
She held the newspaper up high, making sure Jane could see it, then made a big show of tossing it into the recycling bin. Jane couldn't help but grin.
Clearly not wanting to discuss the matter, Lisbon turned on her heel and headed back towards her office, her movement somewhat laboured due to the large basket.
"That's okay!" Jane called after her, settling back down and shutting his eyes. "You don't need those newspapers to look at the sexiest CBI consultant. He's always right here on display."