First off, I want to say...huge thank-you to TheGirlWithTheGreenLightSaber for reminding me about this sadly uncelebrated holiday, which I will now take the time to thoroughly mock.
Also, I'd like to thank these (awesome!) people:
redxandraven4eva: For reviewing The Merriest Christmas Ever and keeping up my spirits so I could write Valentines are for Sissies
Tenebris Fata Electi: For reviewing Valentines are for Sissies and letting me know that yes, I can write humor.
TheGirlWithTheGreenLightSaber: For, as mentioned above, inspiring me to write President's Disaster, reviewing Valentines are for Sissies, and wishing me a (belated) happy Singles Awareness Day XD
Janine: For telling me that yes, Valentines for Sissies was random.
The four of you rock! :D YEAH! Okay, now that my hyperness burst has expired, I am (mostly...) proud to present: President's Disaster! *whispers* this is when you're supposed to clap! Because I've been writing it for like a whole two days, yeah I spent the greater part of yesterday and last night on it, as well as this afternoon. Even if it sucks, it's done.
Also, out of curiosity, if someone randomly came up to you, sat down and—in a childlike voice—started talking about pandas, would you think they were on drugs? NO! Cause I'm not, okay? I'm just not! They're so...ugh! *shudders* But apparently, a girl can't just have a discussion about pandas while practicing her little kid voice for theatre class, 'cause it's a sign of drug use! Hmph.
Disclaimer: I OWN NTOHING! Sheesh auto-correct is useless...I OWN NOTHING! There, all better! :)
Wait a second...nn...toh...ing...ntohing. Hm. If only I could think of a definition, I'd have made a new word!
Also, this—just like my other two holiday specials—is best read late at night. Ya know, the time when everything's funny...? 'Cause I dunno about you guys, but when I only giggled in daylight, I was in tears reading the fight with Slade in The Merriest Christmas Ever, and the faked labor and all the gnome moments in Valentines are for Sissies. Sooo...yeah. CONSENSUAL GNOME RAPE; YOU GOT GNOMED! *cough* I'm gonna start now...
Robin awoke on the morning of February 20 to a blaring alarm and bright sunlight. Starfire, sleeping peacefully beside him, looked so beautiful...wait. February 20. President's Day. Sunlight. Noon.
"NOOOO!" Robin shouted, leaping out of bed and knocking Starfire into the floor. He pulled out his communicator. "TITANS! This is an EMERGENCY! Our President's Day speech is TODAY!"
"I never would have guessed that our President's Day speech would be on President's Day," Raven responded dryly.
"I AIN'T GOT NO TIME FOR YOUR ATTITUDE, MISSY! EVERYONE GET DRESSED AND GET TO—!"
"Dude. We're here. We're waiting for you," Beast Boy stated.
"Whaaaaaa?" Robin was totally confused.
"You overslept, nimrod," Jinx summarized.
"HOLY LINCOLN YOU'RE RIGHT!"
"Yo, Bird Brain! If yo' done yappin' then get yo butt down here!"
"Yo Cyborg, SHUT THE MCKINLEY UP!" a slap was heard, presumably Bumble Bee slapping Cyborg. Robin shut his communicator and crouched on the floor beside Starfire.
"Star? Wake up, we..." he froze as he realized that he was talking to a pineapple wearing a red wig. "What the Bush?"
All of Jump City was gathered in the park to hear the Titans' speeches. A television crew was ready to broadcast live nationally. Behind the patriotically robed stage, many of the Titans were gathered, looking over their cards.
"Hey, how come I don't have a card?" Jericho sign-whined.
"Because nobody in America speaks sign language," Speedy answered.
"Then why am I even here?"
"Because we need somebody to hand out refreshments before and after!" the archer replied cheekily, shoving a huge cooler into the mute's arms. Jericho was immediately dragged down to the ground with its weight. "So start serving!" Speedy gave Jericho two thumbs up, to which Jericho responded with two middle fingers.
"We the People of the United Kingdom...no that's not right. We the elves of...nope, that's not it either. We the People of the planet Mars...hm, no," Robin was totally stumped on the preamble to the Constitution.
"We the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defence, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America," Starfire flawlessly recited as she scribbled it down on his notecard, exactly as it was on the Constitution.
"You're from space!" Robin shouted. "How do you know that?" Starfire just shrugged.
"It is a document that freed your country and established a fair system of government; how do you not?" she asked. Robin stood there, catching flies, for quite a while.
"And...we're live!" the cameras started filming as the mayor stepped onstage.
"Happy President's Day, Jump City and America!" be said, beaming. "Here to give some very inspiring speeches are the Teen Titans!" the audience applauded as the mayor left the stage and Robin staggered on, swerving across the wooden planks like a three-legged dog. Whispers filled the crowd as Robin leaned on the podium and tapped the microphone before putting his lips against it.
"Hello? Is this thing on?" he shouted. Everyone winced and covered their ears. "Okay. This...this is the Pre-Alder of the Constable. We the Pineapples of the United Stores, in Ordain to form a more perfect Umbrella, establish Juggling, provide for the common doorframe, promote the general Walrus, and secure the Bobbles of Libraries to ourselves and our Posse, do order and estrange this Constable for the United Stores of Armrests," after Robin had given his jumble, he bowed (clunking his forehead on the podium as he did) and ripped off his uniform and underpants. "FREE COUNTRY!" he cheered, running circles on the stage before descending into the crowd and hugging an old lady. He then returned to the stage and sat in the chair that was clearly marked "ROBIN" as though nothing had happened, still completely naked. The mayor tugged at his collar nervously, and Starfire ascended to the stage.
"I would just like to say...YO PREZIDENTZ SUK, BEEOTCHES!" she switched from sweet and innocent to shouting gangsta in an instant, put on a spiked dog collar and chained bracelets, and sat in the chair beside Robin. Beast Boy was next.
"Segregation! Oh the horror! All white male presidents until now! What would you do if a green man were running? Would you say it's illegal and bind him with chains, selling him and whipping him to force him to do your work?" he cried dramatically. "I say, enough! NO MORE WHITE MALE PRESIDENTS! THEY SHALL BE EXPELLED FROM THE RACE! JUST LIKE THIS CONFETTI WILL BE EXPELLED FRON THIS CANNON!" to demonstrate his point, Beast Boy fired a confetti cannon into the crowd before sitting beside Starfire, who was piercing her own face. Raven, who was supposed to make her speech next, didn't appear, so Cyborg walked on.
"Our advancements in technology are amazing," he began. The mayor sighed in premature relief at a sensible Titan. "In fact...MY ROBOT ARMY IS GONNA RULE THE WORLD!" Cyborg clicked a button on his arm and robotic waffles with legs started dancing around. "TAKE ME TO MY THRONE!" the wafflebots carried their creator to his chair, next to Raven's empty one, and deposited him in it. Bumble Bee jumped onstage next and struck a rocker pose.
"America rocks!" she shouted before sitting down beside Cyborg. The mayor was sweating buckets at this point. Then Speedy and Aqualad came out...wearing pink feather boas and tutus.
"America has freedom of sexuality!" Aqualad cheered. Terra jumped onstage and slapped him. "Hey, I was speaking for others."
"Good," she said, tackling him. They started making out on the stage, and Speedy sat down. Kid Flash and Jinx were the next two on stage, both giggling insanely.
"Paris is sooo much cooler than here!" Kid Flash stated girlishly. Jinx nodded like she was just too cool, and Kid Flash picked her up to speed both of them off...he hit the back of the stage and collapsed, unconscious. Hot Spot leaped onstage, over Terra and Aqualad (who were rolling across the stage in no particular direction) to reach the microphone.
"I would like for everyone out there to think about...zebras," he said seriously. The crowd exchanged confused glances. "They're black and white, but their environment is everything but. Now, you may be asking yourself, why are zebras so awkward?" everyone was asking themselves why Hot Spot was still talking. "Well, they just want attention. So today, go and pet a zebra. Make the world a better place," after his emotional speech, he went to sit in his chair. Argent walked onstage, rubbing her eyes.
"That...that was beautiful, Spotty," she said. "Now I'd like to discuss a very important issue...fashion laws. None of the male presidents here have addressed this, and I've seen some truly apalling things. Like you ma'am," she pointed in the general direction of a woman wearing a mink scarf. "Yes you. That creature went out of style years ago. If I were President, you'd be a walking violation of federal laws," the woman, who was in fact the wife of the mayor, put a hand to her chest in horror. "Death sentence," Argent finished, sitting down solemnly beside Hot Spot. The mayor almost passed out.
Because instead of more screwed up speeches, something even crazier happened.
Jericho ran across the stage, butt naked, with his hands in the "rock on" position.
"STRIP PARTY!" Beast Boy cheered, jumping up and ripping off his clothes. The rest of the male Titans followed suit immediately, and the crowd stared in horror. Then Jinx shrugged in a "what the heck" gesture, and all the girls ripped off their clothes as well. Thunder, Lightning, Kole, Herald, and a few more Titans ran onstage and followed "suit," as the case would have it. The cameramen hurried to turn off the camera, and the crowd scattered as someone (Beast Boy) started blasting a music. Pretty soon, all the Titans (except Raven, who was nowhere to be found) were dancing naked in the park. As people walked by, they turned their children away from the rather explicit scene. Some teenage boys and old fat guys pulled up lawn chairs.
Raven, rubbing her head, walked out from behind the stage as though she had just woken up. When she saw the crowd of naked Titans, her eyes widened and she slowly backed away before fleeing to the Tower.
Robin woke up completely naked and lying on a wooden stage. What? He sat up and realized...the other Titans were naked. Robin slammed his hands over his eyes, wishing to purge them of the terrible images he had seen.
"AAAAH!" he screamed, fumbling for his clothes and not wanting to know what his hands touched. "What HAPPENED?" he shouted, finding a scrap of uniform and pulling it over himself.
"Speedy drugged the refreshments Jericho was handing out; you guys were higher than the Tower," Raven explained. Robin turned his head to see her, fully clothed, sitting at the base of the podium.
"Uh...how long have you been there?"
"Long enough to wonder why Starfire stays with you," she replied flatly. Robin turned red.
"Hey! How come you're not passed out?"
"I found out the drinks were from Speedy. I would have warned you guys, but he knocked me out and tied me up under the stage. By the time I got free, you were having a naked rave."
"Ugh. This can't get any worse," Robin moaned.
"Did I mention that it was broadcasted nationally?" Raven asked. Robin's head hit the wood with a clunk.
Needless to say, Batsy had a few things to say about that.
See? Pitifully short and not very funny, just...totally weird. But at least I tried! It's the thought that counts :) happy President's Day! I promise, St. Patrick's Day will be better! And longer! And make more sense...yeah, just all around better ;D