Last chapter everyone!
Hope you all like it- please be lovely and review!
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
While Listening to Rock & Roll...
It was sitting in the break room indulging in 'Blue Hawaiian' while listening to Greg and Archie attempt to explain the benefits of playing video games that Sara had heard about Kevin's death. The news had resounded in the room. She had felt a lump build up in her throat as she attempted to act as if it hadn't affected her. Sara gripped the mug in her hands tighter and kept her eyes on the floor as her colleagues asked questions about how he had died exactly. Sara silently excused herself making her way down to autopsy feeling a strange sensation settling in the pit of her stomach as she did so. She wanted to see him. She felt like she needed to confirm that he was actually dead.
Her mind was reeling as she opened the door into the almost pitch black environment of autopsy. It didn't feel real. It didn't feel as if any of this was really happening. She had half expected Kevin to be sitting on one of the tables with a devilish grin to tell her he'd got her. He'd got her good. Sara expected him to wink at her, his eyes holding the tales of what had happened the previous night at ransom.
But that was not the case.
Kevin was laid out on one of the autopsy tables his head propped up, a white sheet covering his body up to his shoulders and a bright light beaming down on his skin. Skin that less than twenty four hours ago she had tasted. The eyes that had discovered her body were closed and would remain that way forever. Sara felt a prickle in her eye but she blinked it away not wanting to shed a tear for something that should never have been.
She slowly approached his body not knowing what to do.
He looked like he could have been sleep. He looked the same way he had done when she had left him that morning as the strange feeling of guilt and acceptance filled her body. Without thinking Sara reached out her hand brushing hair away from his face, his skin icy cold beneath her finger tips. She flinched pulling her hand back, her eyes not once moving away from his face. A part of her wanted to shake him, tell him to wake up. But the realisation that it wouldn't work sunk in.
He was gone.
Taking a deep breath and casting one last glance at Kevin, Sara walked away.
As she drove home she found the world around her plagued with lingering wonderment of what ifs. The sky stretched out above the world offering a second home, teasing people with possibilities. But it was not the escape that Sara longed for. It was an indication to how she should have been feeling.
Who was Kevin to her?
Who was she to be saddened by his death?
Sara acknowledged that she had simply just used Kevin to have a night where she wasn't held back by all of the responsibilities, expectations and limits her life had placed on her. It had just been one night where she could be the person that she wanted to be.
But what had Kevin's place been in it all?
A tool. A means to an end.
He had given her the opportunity to change, to shed her skin and be renewed even if it was only for a short amount of time. He had made her feel like someone else. For the first time in a long time Sara had felt desired. Not loved. Not wanted. Simply just needed for nothing but a biological urge. And instead of looking away with disgust at being treated like a piece of meat she had given in. She had indulged his attention in a way she had never done before. She had acted in a way she never had done before.
It just had been one night.
One night was all she had expected.
One night was all she had wanted.
Sara had gotten all of the things that she had been wondering about out of her system and felt like she could happily go on with the rest of her life knowing that she would always have the memories to keep her company. She would always remember the way Kevin's skin had felt against hers, how every purposeful touch of his hand had unravelled who she pretended to be.
He was someone who approached her with fresh eyes. He was someone who didn't know what she had been through- someone who didn't see her as damaged, broken or fragile. And after all of these years she had tried to bury her past but it had shaped her. It had made her.
Once she was inside Sara pulled a cold beer out of the fridge and sat herself down in the very spot Kevin had sat in waiting for her the previous night. With a sense of bitter-sweetness surrounding her she toasted to Kevin. Once she had finished her beer Sara pushed the thoughts down and out of the way knowing that she couldn't let herself feel anything more than apathy because it would give the previous night meaning that it did not have.
With that thought Sara roused herself from her set and prepared for bed knowing that tomorrow was going to bring as many challenged as today.
The morning was dulled by the grey clouds that decorated the sky as Sara drove to King David Cemetery. The card for Kevin's funeral had been left on the notice board and from what she gathered none of her colleagues were planning on attending. It felt wrong not going.
Parking her car Sara walked into the empty cemetery letting the strange atmosphere linger over her as she glanced around the all of the people that had been lost. Death is such a strange thing. Sara had never understood why people spent so much time fearing the inventible when life displayed more to be terrified of. Perhaps she had been alone for far too long. Perhaps she had seen too much death to know. Burying those thoughts she found Kevin's grave she stood awkwardly not knowing what to do.
"So... as you can tell I'm not good at goodbyes. I'm sorry I left without a note...or something it's just I don't know the etiquette of those types of situations that well..." She smiled nervously glancing around to make sure that there was no one watching her in this moment of insanity. "I felt like I should say goodbye this time... properly... so here I am." Sara shifted on her feet gaining a strange surge of confidence in what she was doing. "Is it weird that I want to thank you for last night? I think it is... I brought you something- edelweiss. You probably would have no idea what it is; I'm guessing you're more of a dozen red roses kind of guy. Edelweiss stands for courage. And I think I gained some of it the other night... thank you...I guess this is it. Goodbye." Sara said the final word in barely a whisper and placed the single flower down by the headstone.
With one last look she turned around and walked away.
It was time to bury the memories of her night with Kevin forever.
This was it.