Disclaimer: I don't own Discworld or Rosario + Vampire
The Disc's gods as they are called sometimes* sat in the lounge of Mrs. Matican's peach breeze hotel. The reason for this being is that the god's old city Dumanifestin, where they used to live as well as their old mountain Cori Celesti was now a very large crater no thanks to an army of five ferocious but slow-moving old men.
Luckily they were able to find a hotel near their mountain and for a very cheap price (Only $10.00 a night for each person) while the best construction crew, landscapers, and quantum wizards the gods could hire worked on rebuilding their mountain.
It was here in this pink-lace filled room with nice decorative doilies that the gods played the game where they use mortals as playing pieces. The game it's self can only be described as somewhere between Stratego, Dungeons and Dragons, Risk, and Chess with Monopoly and battleship thrown in for good measure.
In this game (they just call it the game. The gods were never ones for creativity and imagination.) there are two game boards representing two worlds. One was of the Discworld which we all know is on top of four elephants who in return are on a giant turtle (even though they were not part of the board).
The other one right next to it was of the Yokai world which the gods came into acquisition of since they believed since monsters don't usually have a religion they must, by default believe in the disc's gods. It's best not to question the gods, their logic doesn't always or mostly ever make sense.
Blind Io with his many floating eyes looked at both of the boards which were a scale model of both their respective world over printed with squares making a grid as to where you can move your pieces. Blind Io himself wasn't playing but he was, being chief of the gods, overseeing the game on the Yokai board going on between Fate and Bibulous the god of wine and things on sticks.
"Me damn it!" Angrily shouted Bibulous. Fate's monstrel beat Bibulous's troll presumably killing it. Bibulous removed his now destroyed troll piece from the board while muttering incoherent curses under his breath while Fate smirked at another one of his victories.
"Come now Bibulous, that was hardly a challenge. What does that make it now Io?"
"Four." Replied Blind Io. He was keeping track of how many victories in a row Fate has had in the game. So far Fate had taken out Offler the crocodile god, Flatulus the god of winds, Patina the goddess of wisdom, and Bibulous the god of wine and things on sticks as mentioned before. Fate sat at the Yokai board still confident with his smirk that no one could beat him after all he is Fate. He always wins and can't ever be cheated.
There was a large crowd of both big and small gods gathered around the board. They were currently watching all of the failed attempts by other gods and a few were making a betting pool on how long the next god would last.
"May I join in?" Came a famine voice. Fate stood perfectly still. He wasn't a mortal and as such had no mortal fiber but if he was every fiber would be shaking with anger at the sound of his eternal and bitter rival.
"Ahh, my Lady. So good of you to come. Of course you may join in a round with me that is...if you have any pieces to use in the Yokai world, for I believe all of your reigning champions reside on the disc my dear." Fates voice had ring of politeness in it mixed with haughtiness with a dash of hate that combined in the air to make a smog almost as poisonous as that found in Las Vegas and Beijing.
She smiled her somewhat creepy smile at Fate and her bright green eyes shone a little brighter. Now, they weren't green like mine or yours might be but a bright green that covered the whole eye which lacked an iris and pupil and contrasted with Fates black eyes from edge to edge with tiny bright dots. The rest of the gods in the room as well as some in other parts of the hotel started gathering around the board to see one of Fate and The Lady's paradoxical games for you see as mentioned before Fate plays wins, but The Lady plays not to lose.
"That won't be a problem." She said calmly and still smiling
"I have recently found a new, favorite of mine for this world. He is...a very unique piece." Everyone watched as The Lady put her hand in her box of pieces and drew out something that made Fate give a little snicker. Now Fate was thought he should be used to this by now, The Lady's playing pieces never appear very powerful as evidenced in Cohen the barbarian and Rincewind but this was ridiculous.
The piece she placed on the board was a student at the academy with plain messy brown hair and the standard academy uniform , the facial expression was that of a half smile but worry and fear were evident in the facial expression as if he were deciding whether he should be afraid or happy. There seemed nothing unusually special or powerful about him in fact, Fate almost swore he was human, but that would be impossible in a school where humans were killed on sight.
"My dear Lady have you gone mad or have you just forfeited the game already?" Asked Fate in a mocking tone. The Lady said nothing and took the skull which held the dice for the game and shook it. She launched the three dice and they skidded across the board.
When the dice landed they saw she rolled a three, five, and, the other dice continued to spin and dance as if gravity and the laws of friction were arguing and couldn't come to an agreement. Finally the dice stopped and everyone looked to see what it landed on. It was a seven. No one said you had to play fair and gods seldom do.
Asking someone in the proud city of Ankh-Morpork what the best feature in the city is will get you various results. Some might say it's the Patrician's palace complete with scorpion pit and unproportional gardens designed by "bloody stupid" Johnson. Others will say it's the great taverns like the mended drum or the stench of the city it's self which once repelled an invading army when their nose plugs gave out. But no matter where you go there's no denying the prominent if not ominous presence of the unseen University the cities most prestigious (that means only) school at the heart of Ankh-Morpork.
It is here in the high energy magic building of this school dedicated to higher learning of the occult that the wizards were doing the annual cleaning of the disc's first and only computer Hex. Ponder Stibbons was here in the high energy magic building as he usually is when messing with the fabric of time and space whatever that is, but not today.
As the creator (instigator? bemused attendant(?)) of Hex and the head of inadvisably applied magic he has been given the honorable/dangerous (it depends on who you ask) task of cleaning out Hex of it's glitches and bugs which is hard given that Hex's internal workings are partly made up of the latter.
Ponder looked on at the wizards who were supposed to help him and sighed. His older colleagues might be great wizards but they were terrible mechanics. Two wizards had dropped Hex's beehive used for memory storage and were now wildly running flailing their arms around the room with other wizards in a panicky fashion trying not to get stung. Hex's screen saver the aquarium with live fish on a spring kept popping out of Hex sometimes flinging fish out of it onto Ponder. And worst of all at least to Ponder was the beach-ball-thing that went parp every fourteen minutes. This usually wouldn't be a problem but after hearing a loud parp every fourteen minuets over a two hour time period it starts to put you on edge.
He started to massage his temples trying to calm himself down. Ponder looked over at the new apprentice wizard who was trying to push Hex's screen saver back into place with a toilet plunger. He was a thin young man who had no muscle (like most wizards) or magical talent and had a pale and nervous face that would read to most as "please hit me."
As the new wizard, archchancellor Ridcully thought that it would be in the boy's best interest to learn more about magic and his seniors by helping Ponder work on hex, which Ponder translated this act from the archchancellor as "I'm getting this kid put of my hair by dumping him on you." so it was for this very reason Ponder got the almost as incompetent as Rincewind wizard in his Hex cleaning staff.
"Uum excuse me but, why don't you go upstairs to see if the -parp- archchancellor needs any help?" Asked Ponder hopefully, even though being interrupted by the beach-ball thing, to the sad sight of the apprentice wizard forcefully pushing on the plunger on the aquarium. The wizard looked over to Ponder let go of the plunger and hastily scrambled to stand upright.
"No sir, I couldn't do that. The archchancellor made it very clear to me that I should stay down here and help you until your done down here, sir."
Ponder and the wizard jumped at the slightly louder and untimely interruption at yet another parp before continuing on with their conversation.
"Yes but don't worry -parp- ,sir. I almost got the aquarium back in."
Ponder gritted his teeth as his last nerves were slowly being grinned down by the increase of the incessant-
yes those. Trying his best to ignore that Ponder turned back to the wizard who was forcefully pumping the plunger onto the aquarium until, against all odds, and physics judging by the young wizards strength and muscular structure he pushed it back into it's original place.
"See sir, I told you I -parp- could do it."
"Maybe Ridcully was rig-
Hex's screen saver popped out again sending a very large trout flying through the air smacking Ponder in the face. As he slowly peeled the trout away from his face (the true sign of any body in anger is when they do things slowly) Hex gave another very loud PARP this time loud enough for it to be written in bold and be in capital letters.
Any source of calmness in Ponder was then quickly extinguished.
"uh s-s-sir?" Asked the extremely nervous wizard.
"O.K everyone I think that's enough for a little while let's take a break!" Ponder irritably announced to the wizards. The wizards especially the young one hurriedly opened the door and scrambled out into the hallway still being chased by the swarm of bees with Ponder following after them after putting away the dismantled parts in a box and placing it right next to Hex. Before he closed the door he looked back and wondered if it was okay to leave Hex unoccupied with it being in an unstable state. He closed the door. Only an idiot would forget that this was the day Hex is cleaned and under no circumstances ever to be used.
Long after the screams of the wizards stopped and the room was silent for a few minuets until two figures walked in, one like that of an over inflated water balloon, and the other one incredibly skinny with tattered red robes. Rincewind and The Librarian walked towards Hex with Rincewind holding a spell book in his hand labeled The book of miscellaneous cruel, unusual, and disturbing spells of generally nasty things.
"Ook" Uttered The Librarian looking up at Rincewind.
"I know we shouldn't be here but I have this feeling that Hex will finally let me be able to do at least a simple spell."
"It's not a lost cause! I'm sure there's one spell in this book I can do."
"Ook." The Librarian replied climbing up into the rafters above Hex and taking out a banana Rincewind gave him to borrow the book from the library. Rincewind went over and flipped Hex's starting mechanism the GBL (great big lever). A complicated arm mechanism with a quill attached to it shot out and wrote +++Anthill inside+++ on the parchment in front of it.
Rincewind put the spell book on the desk and started to flip through it.
"Let's see the spontaneous combustion spell?"
"Your right to dangerous." Rincewind continued flipping through the pages of the spell book.
"Not the spell of making the sun at just the right angle it gets in someone's eyes and annoys them greatly, the spell of randomly falling anvils, or the thousand-years-of-death spell."
"According to the book it's a terribly horrible technique involving complicated movements of the hand and the unfortunate victims rear."
"Ook." Even though The Librarian being an orangutan could only speak in "ooks" and occasional "Eeks" that only the wizards at UU could understand, a normal person who has taken no classes on the orangutan language could translate this ook as "Sorry I asked."
" How about the spell of moving small objects a few centimeters?"
"I'm sure it's okay. It's nothing to dangerous I'll just be moving a small object just about five centimeters. It's a safe easy spell with no way it could possibly hurt me, like so many other things."
Rincewind closed the spell book and typed the name of the spell M-O-V-I-U-S into Hex while placing a little tea cup he was going to move with the spell in front of Hex. It should also be noted that during the evolution of naming spells wizards started to get lazy with naming them as evident in this spell.
Hex started to compute this spell. It's ant colony inside of it crawled to various parts of the internal workings giving power to Hex and computing the spell while an hour-glass on a spring popped out and slowly turned showing that Hex was loading. However due a majority of the internal parts missing that Rincewind didn't notice were in the box next to him Hex started smoking.
+++Cucumber error fixed. Universe has been reinstalled now rebooting+++ Hex wrote on the parchment in front of it.
"I'm sure it's fine. I even fixed the cucumber error that even Ponder couldn't fix. Maybe my luck is chang-"
But Rincewind never got past that part for at that very moment octarine magic which could be described as a fluorescent purple-green-yellow all mixed within each other into one color shot out of Hex engulfing both Rincewind The Librarian and the rest of the room in it's flames. Except for the tea cup, the only thing the spell was supposed to hit.
*They have also been affectionately referred to as "Those bastards up there!" and "What have I ever done to you?"
AN: First off, we would like to thank the people that have reviewed/favorited/alerted this since Discworld fanfiction is not often read. You're all awesome in our eyes.
In Discworld canon (Which is shaky at best) this takes place after the recent book, Snuff. In R+V canon, this takes place after all the girls join the group but the Shcool Police haven't attacked Tsukune yet. This fanfiction will mostly be manga based, with a few anime episodes thrown in for fun (And because we can).Reviews anonymous or signed are appreciated. Now, enjoy yourselves and may you live in Interesting Times!