So begins another dark comedy, inspired by… myself Or at least by something I wrote in my Dark Chronicle novelisation. Enjoy!
Dark Comedy- Internet Dating
It was some time after Dark Element was dead, and Max was coming out of the zelmite mine having just beaten even more ridiculously souped-up versions of all the enemies he'd previously met in other dungeons.
"Hell, yeeeeeeeeeeeeah!" Max hollered, sliding on his knees out of the mine and air guitaring with his wrench. "We beat those bitches good!"
Suddenly there was a flash of light from a starglass, and before Max appeared-
- who began chasing Max around and hitting him with her feather duster for swearing.
Out of the mine came Max's travelling/combat companion.
"Hang on," Elaine stopped chasing Max so that she could observe the newcomer. "That's Lin, isn't it?"
Indeed, Lin came tromping out of the mine, looking dejected because a bottle of tasty water had smashed on her head and washed all the food colouring out of her hair, leaving it brown and looking rather stupid in its soaking wet, elaborate bunches.
"Oh if only Master Crest were here. He'd be able to fix my hair," she wailed, or at least wailed as much as one could when they only spoke in husky whispers. Not managing to hear a word she said, Max grinned wildly at his mum.
"Sure is. She's my bitc-" Max started, but a gesture of the dreaded feather duster made him correct himself. "I mean, she's my girlfriend."
At that point another starglass light appeared over Max's head, and Monica fell down onto the boy and started slapping him.
"Max, you jerk! Why'd you dump me for Lin?"
Lin started hissing something that sounded like "Oh if only Master Crest were here. He could explain."
"I'm sorry Monica," Max explained "but it was like, you were gone and Lin was here and there was a romantic fire and too much to drink so it turned into a house fire and one thing led to another and-"
"So you burnt down Lin's house and now she has to live with you or be homeless?" Monica said sarcastically.
"Pretty much, yeah."
With one last slap, Monica stormed off to go cause destruction throughout Palm Brinks.
"Hmm, touchy," stated Elaine.
"She looks pissed," Max panicked. "She won't let me get away with this. Any ideas mum?"
"You could go back to her."
"No way! She scares the hell out of me!" Max's shout drowned out the sound of '… Master Crest were here. He wouldn't dump me'.
"Well there is one other thing, but I'll need to use your computer."
"I don't have one. Dad took it after he caught me trying to hack into a 'certain site'," Max grinned evilly.
"Whatever. Well, there's this thing called internet dating…"
The next day, Max and Lin were waiting in Max's mansion. Max was close to peeing himself.
"I hope this works. Monica's real scary when she's mad, and I hear she's got a chainsword now."
"Oh if only Master Crest were here. He'd recognise an island king when he saw one."
The conversation ended as Elaine walked in, pushing a wheelchair to which Monica had been duct taped to. The older woman was sporting two black eyes and broken nose, and was limping.
"Alright Monica. This is a little event we've arranged for you so that you can get a boyfriend and stop pining over Max."
"I don't want Max!" Monica whinged as she struggled to escape the duct tape. "I only stick with him to live up to fan expectations. That and I don't want to be dumped for the sake of the tramp. I mean, what's Lin got that I haven't?"
"Cool hair?" offered Max.
In response, Monica jerked her head fiercely, and the princess orb on the end of her ponytail swung round and socked Max in the face, knocking him cold.
"Beat that!" Monica smirked at Lin.
"If only Master Crest were here. He'd have cooler hair."
"Shut up, Lin," said Elaine. "Anyway, we posted your name on a dating website and have come up with a group of suitable bachelors. Now you just need to check 'em out and see which one you want."
Monica cursed and struggled some more, but Elaine ignored her and grabbed a microphone, transforming into some sort of gameshow host.
"Now then, to start we have a resident of Palm Brinks who describes himself as artistic in the extreme!" a huge carpet made of flashing lights rolled out of the dining room, the entrance of which was covered by a red curtain. Elaine hollered into the microphone "This eligible, single male was first to respond to our e-mail, and promises that he will catch your eye. Yes, it's none other than-"
She paused, looking in confusion at the card in her hand.
"Well, first we have… porn?"
The three woman look at each other with their right eyebrows raised.
"Don't you mean Parn?" Monica asked.
"No," a voice said "she means PORN!"
With that, Parn the artist sprinted out of the dining room, down the carpet, and began to perform a terrifying strip tease.
Utter bedlam ensured.
Elaine and Lin ran screaming from the room, clutching their eyes, Monica was going crazy trying to escape her binds and Max woke up, took one look at what was going on and puked everywhere.
"Yeah yeah! Where you from, you sexy thing?" Parn's singing was nearly as monstrous as his striping. He struggled out of his shirt which was practically glued to him by paint splatters, then jumped onto one of the pillars in Max's house to try and do some sort of pole dance.
"GAH!" Monica shrieked as she pulled an arm free. "This ends now!"
The butt-kicking redhead grabbed at Max as he staggered past, driven insane by the horror, and pulled his supernova gun from his belt. The girl looked at the gun doubtfully and said "Nowhere near satisfying enough."
In response, someone snuck in and handed her a sawn-off shotgun.
Parn was one moment away from ripping off his paint smeared Kingdom Hearts style briefs, when a round from Monica's shotgun blew his head off his shoulders. Parn's body mercifully faded away, leaving a scattering of blue experience points.
Gradually everyone returned, looking around fearfully as though Parn might suddenly come back to continue his performance from beyond the grave.
"If only Master Crest were here. He'd do a better strip tease."
Ignoring Lin, Max gestured at the blue gems and said "Does anyone want to pick up that experience?"
"Trust me Max, no one wants an experience like that," Monica reached out to hand the shotgun back to its owner, only to find-
"SPG inc! What are you doing here?"
Sure enough, a guy in his early twenties with a three cornered hat and a looooong coat was standing there, the mechanised left side of his body creaking like Cedric trying to climb a flight of stairs.
"Hey," he said "it's become tradition that I should turn into my internet self and take part in my own dark comedies. Besides, I'm bachelor number two!"
Everyone started in surprise.
"Well can you blame me? Everyone knows Monica's hot, and let's face it Mon, after what you just saw you have to admit you could do a lot worse."
Monica's foot tore free and booted SPG inc in the groin, which unfortunately for him hadn't been machine altered. The fan fiction writer shrieked and limped out of the room, cursing at a very high pitch.
"Well, that's that over with," Elaine sighed with relief. "Next we have-"
"ME, senorita," Doctor Jamming appeared out of nowhere, clicked his heels together and used his guitar to serenade Monica with some Mexican music (or is it Spanish? I don't know, but hey, neither does Jamming, or in fact anyone else).
"Shove off, bed-hair," Monica growled "I'd never date you."
Jamming gaped dejectedly.
"Hang on. I can do more than that," the blue skinned scientist began frantically playing the guitar solo of 'God Knows' (from Haruhi Suzumiya if you didn't know). The muzzle of Monica's sawn-off spat flame and blasted the neck of the guitar away. Jamming whimpered and crawled off.
"If only Master Cre-"
"Anyway," Elaine took Jamming's place, speaking into her mike again. "Next is- Donny!"
"Donny! Why the hell would I date him! ?"
"Come on babe, we'd be good together," Donny may have winked as he walked in, but it was hidden under his sock shaped hat. "I've got a great business proposition you could be part of."
"Well," Donny plucked the large flower from his hat and sniffed absentmindedly "a lot of guys want you, and I'm a business man, so combine the two and-"
"Donny, before you say anything; are you a pimp?"
A burst of fire from Monica's armlet set fire to Donny's hat. He ran round in circles in alarm, then raced out the house, heading for the lake. Max whispered to his butler Stewart to outrun him and fill the lake with gasoline.
"Okay, how about Erik?"
The train engineer walked in.
"Hey there lil' girly pie."
He vanished in a ball of flame.
Now Gaspard walked in.
"Ah, well he ain't so bad," Monica mused. "I never knew you felt that way about me."
"Well, actually I don't," Gaspard said. "I just want some excuse to get away from-"
A figure cut Gaspard off as they floated into the room.
"Yep, it's me," the genie from the first Dark Cloud game cast a sultry eye round at pretty much everyone. "Me and Gassy are just so close, so don't you damn well think you can take him from me," Ruby conjured up a whip from nowhere and thrust it into Monica's face "because that hot little piece of ass over there is mine!"
"Damn it, now I know why they wanted to keep her in her lamp. If only I could find it again."
"Ooo, you wanna get into a small space with me Gassy?" Ruby sauntered seductively over to her hapless 'boyfriend'. "I'm sure there's a cupboard around here somewhere."
"I don't want to be anywhere near you Ruby," Gaspard's temper snapped. "I'm not interested in you!"
After about a second, Gaspard turned pale as he realised what he'd just done. Ruby, however, was looking dangerously calm.
"Gassy, I thought we talked about this before didn't we?"
In one move, Ruby tore off her clothes, and next thing she was wearing a black leather bra and mini skirt festooned with chains and buckles.
"You're mine, little pussy-boy!" Ruby howled as she lashed Gaspard with her whip. The dark assassin went sprawling and screamed like a little girl.
"I'm your mistress, and that's not changing anytime soon!" Ruby began chasing Gaspard around Max's house. "Now say my name, bitch!"
Everyone took a moment to stand and watch Ruby whipping Gaspard and yell "Say my name! Say my name!" while Gaspard ran as fast as he could screaming "Yes mistress! Sorry mistress!"
"Well, that was pretty amusing actually," Elaine smiled. Everyone showed signs of agreement, except Lin who opened her mouth, probably to moan about Crest again.
"But it doesn't get Monica boyfriend, so let's push on," Elaine said hurriedly. "Now we have, Toan!"
Toan was shoved onto the carpet, looking utterly bewildered to be there.
"A pretty good looking guy who doesn't say a word?" Monica gave Toan a once over. "Now that's what I'm talking about."
There was a sound of a small stampede, and suddenly two girls were latched onto Toan's legs, much to his horror.
"No one's having Toan but me," Paige said. "You and Xiao don't know Toan like I do. I'm known him all my life, and I was the one who gave Toan a new pocket; look."
Paige dug her hand with unnecessary force into the pocket of Toan's pants. The boy's skin visibly crawled. Monica's eyes narrowed at the challenge.
"Look little girl, I'm not afraid of you. Toan's not half bad, so if you think I'm going to give up just because you and Xiao have-"
"Xiao does not mind the others," the cat girl meowed from where her face was buried in Toan's thigh. "Perhaps we could have a… foursome?"
"Not interested," Monica said flatly. The trio vanished in a puff of smoke.
"Well, that was very weird," Elaine stated. "Alright, next up is metal Flotsam."
"Huh?" Monica reacted with disgust as the augmented clown bounced in. "What makes you think I'd wanna go out with him?"
"There's much I can do for you my dear!" Flotsam exalted. He held up a mechanical hand and drooled openly.
"You should see some of the things my new attachments can do."
"Ugh! That's disgusting!" Monica exclaimed as she finally broke free of her chair completely. She pounced on Flotsam, who squealed with glee until he realised Monica was lifting him over her head. With one massive heave she lobbed the clown through the window. Glass sprinkled everywhere, and pained yells echoed from outside.
"I've had enough of this," growled Monica. "I'm getting out of here."
"Hold on; we have just one last applicant," Elaine pleaded. Monica paused for a moment, and, against her better judgement, stopped to see the last one, arms crossed, tapping her foot impatiently.
Elaine sighed and braced herself for the finale.
"Alright then, our final applicant for this dating experience is… the Dark Genie!"
A huge purple blob crammed its way out of the dining room and lumbered over to the group.
"Alright, that's just stupid," Monica complained as the Dark Genie grinned at her. "I am not dating him. He's not just a bad guy; he's a freak. Is he even classed as male?"
"Oh I most certainly am," the Dark Genie roared "but I won't mind if you want to see… proof."
"That's gross," Elaine said.
"Ruined any chance there, pal," Max agreed.
"If only Master Crest were here. He wouldn't be so gross," Lin whined.
"Forget what anyone else thinks, sweetheart," the Dark Genie dipped his head till it was level with Monica. "After all, it doesn't have to be a relationship based on love," the monster eyed her intrusively.
Monica bared her teeth and said "You dirty little freak! You think because I'm royalty I sleep with everyone. Well forget it; you're not scoring tonight."
"That's a shame," the purple beast went on grinning and leering. "In that case, would you mind if I just eat you?"
"Oh shut up; now you're just quoting the game."
The genie's tongue slobbered out and flickered suggestively.
"That's supposed to be a double meaning, sweetheart."
Everyone's eyes bugged out
"Cripes, this fic should be M rated!" Elaine gasped.
"Yeah, for the violence!" Monica replied as she blew the dark genie apart with a barrage of magic and gunfire.
As the smoke cleared, Max took a look at the list and said "Well, looks like we've run out of applicants."
"If only Master Crest were here," Lin despaired. "He would have found more-"
"That's enough; I'm completely effing sick of this," Monica said. "This was a complete waste of time. If I want a boyfriend I'll join fan fiction net and write an OC for myself. I'm not going out with any of the guys from the game so don't offer. As for you Max, just go back to drooling or whatever it is you do with Lin. Just don't tell anyone you dumped me for her.
"Well to be honest, I'm thinking of ending things with Lin."
Everyone rounded on max in surprise.
"Well, I just don't wanna date her anymore. Not exactly anyway."
"What's that supposed to mean?" asked Monica.
Max look around with a crafty glint in his eye.
"It means I've got a fetish-"
Max held up his Atlamillia, which he' just got from nowhere. In a flash, the hundred year old version of Lin appeared in the room.
"-for older women!"
And without another word, Max started making out with ancient Lin.
"For crying out loud, this is getting beyond a joke," Monica looked on in disgust.
"Oh," Lin moaned "if only Master Crest-"
"GOD DAMMIT LIN, SHUT YOUR CAKE HOLE!"
Lin had about two seconds to take in what had been said before Elaine grabbed her by her pigtails and swung her round like she was doing the hammer throw before tossing the girl into the wall.
"Wow Elaine," Monica looked impressed. "Didn't know you had it in you."
"Yeah, well I decided you're right," Elaine ushered Monica and herself out of the house so they wouldn't have to watch Max and Lin. "This whole thing is a disaster; I'm through with it."
"Okay. So, what are we gonna do now?"
"Well," Elaine thought "how about we go for coffee?"
"It's a date."
Monica headed off to the café, not noticing Elaine stop behind her so she punch the air and mouth "SCORE!"