Following the advice of a reviewer, I'm going to make this into more of a story. So please don't submit any more Sues. I didn't exactly want that in the first place, but no matter. :) Sorry if you submitted one. If you notice, I did use a couple of the things suggested.
Chapter One: The Endlessly Talented Sue
"Okay, I'm turning the camera on, but you have to stay quiet," Jenna whispered to her two companions. She set down her hot sauce and removed the camera from its pouch.
Leif rolled his eyes. "I don't think you'll get very far trying to tell her what to do." He glanced at the third person hiding behind the cabin with them, who wasn't listening anyway. She was too busy analyzing a college textbook, finding a cure for cancer, slaying the Minotaur, and filing her nails.
"Oh, is it time for me to go on?" said the girl sweetly. Her manicured hot pink nails fiddled with a lock of flaxen hair with lavender streaks. She fluttered her feathery eyelashes. "I wonder if Nico will like me." Her cheeks turned a slight shade of ruby, only complimenting her looks further.
"Don't worry, he won't," muttered Leif. Jenna shot him a look.
"Of course he will," Jenna assured her, smiling like a weight loss pill salesman. "Just be yourself! Tell him all about all the things you've accomplished. That'll be sure to impress him."
The other girl seemed to not have heard her, seeing as she was listing all her goals and ambitions to herself, in a melodious voice, of course. Jenna shot Leif a thumbs up over the girl's shoulder. Leif just shook his head in disgust.
Jenna suddenly heard someone approaching. "Quick! Here he comes now!" She quickly crouched next to her satyr friend while his fingers scrambled to find the camera's power button. The Mary Sue glided out from the hiding spot.
Nico stopped walking, surprised at having a person seemingly appear in his path.
"Hello!" said the Mary Sue warmly. "Fancy seeing you here!" She flashed him a dazzling white smile.
Nico looked at her, confused. "Well, yeah, um, this is the Hades cabin, so it happens to be the place I sleep."
"Oh! How funny!" said the Sue. She took Nico's hand, who tried to jerk it back, but the Sue's grip was unforgiving. "Well! My name is Calliope Carmella Crystalline Cornucopia Cosmicharadon! And who might you be?"
"Uh, I'm Ni-"
"Oh, everyone knows who you are, Nico!" Calliope laughed a laugh that was like the tinkle of a thousand silver bells. "But I suppose you wouldn't know me. I'm a nobody." She sighed, her violet eyes looking wistful.
"Yeah, I don't think we've ever met before," replied the uninterested Nico, still trying to free himself from Calliope's grasp.
"I guess we just changed that!" she exclaimed. "Yes, maybe most people don't know me. But I do have a few hobbies. For instance, I double majored in rocket science and social justice at Harvard when I was in seventh grade. I play twenty seven instruments and happen to be the first one-woman symphony ever. I designed this dress and sell my other clothes to make money. I do donate it all to charity, though, so that's why I was living on the streets before I found my way here. My mortal parent died, of course, but I still have yet to discover who my godly parent is. Everyone keeps saying I'm a daughter of Aphrodite on account of my looks, but almost every time I bare handedly slayed a Gorgon in my childhood, they told me I was a child of one of the Big Three! How exciting! I only hope it isn't Hades, and you know why?" Calliope put her other hand on his shoulder flirtatiously and gazed at him.
Nico shook her off. "That's great." He had stopped listening long ago was looking around for means of escape. "Look, Canteloupe or whatever your name is, it was great getting to know you, but I've got somewhere to be. Can this wait awhile?" Maybe once I've gotten far, far away from here, maybe deep in the Fields of Asphodel, he thought. He 'd seen creepy things in the Underworld, for sure, but the last thing he wanted was some 16 year old creeping on him. He wasn't even out of junior high!
"Oh," Calliope said glumly. "I understand. I was just wondering, since I'm new and all, and I've never learned to fight... could you teach me? You can show me how to use a sword! I mean, I have been fighting Gorgons since I was five, but I wouldn't know how to fight a real monster..."
Conveniently, a huge Laistrygonian, bigger than anyone had ever seen, came tromping over Half Blood Hill at that very moment. Campers panicked and ran in all directions as it knocked down trees and chariots, which somehow caught on fire as they fell.
"MEEAAATTT!" it groaned as it tried to pick up the screaming demigods. Calliope instantly took off for the giant, finally releasing Nico. He rubbed his wrist and sighed in agitation.
"Taste this, Fathead!" Calliope cried as she vaulted off a pegasus and jumped on the ogre's head. Lasers shot out of her eyes, and she conjured a beautiful golden sword out of thin air and sliced the monster right down the face. She then backflipped onto his shoulders and, using telekinesis, hurled a flaming tree right at his heart.
The giant sunk to his knees. "NOOOO!" it cried. Calliope leapt nimbly off of his shoulders and landed like a ballerina.
She crept back over to the giant as the camp watched on in silence.
"Fathead... only... wanted... food..." stuttered the dying giant. Calliope laid a hand on him.
"Oh, you poor thing!" she sobbed. "I'm so sorry!"
Calliope then began crying tears of diamond, which dripped onto the Laistrygonian's heart. Suddenly, he was lifted off the ground and became a giant fairy!
"Girl save me with power of love!" he announced joyfully. "I no eat people no more!"
Great rejoicing broke out amongst the camp. Nameless extra characters hoisted Calliope onto their backs and cheered. "Oh, you're too kind," she told them as they paraded her around. "I've never even fought a real monster before!"
From behind the cabin, Leif and Jenna stared at each other, wondering what had just happened.
"Did you get that on camera?" Jenna whispered. Leif nodded, his eyes still wide.
Suddenly, none other than Chiron came cantering over to the crowd!
"The prophecy!" he shouted. "It can't be..."
The campers looked at each other.
"What prophecy?" asked a random Apollo camper innocently.
"The prophecy..." the horse-man replied. "The Uber Mega Rainbow Prophecy of Death, of course!"
Everyone stared at him.
"No, really!" he protested. "That's what it's called!" He cleared his throat and spoke in an ominous tone.
"The really important daughter of the Sky Lord sent from above
Will vanquish all evil through the power of love
When danger threatens, she'll save everyone's asses on a really intense quest
And prove herself loyal... oh, screw it, I can't rhyme!"
Everyone immediately began overreacting.
Calliope gasped. "The daughter of the Sky Lord! Do you think that has anything to do with my godly parent?"
"Gee, I don't know," mumbled Nico, who immmediately wished he hadn't said anything because Calliope reached out and pulled him on top of the mound of people.
"I will go on the quest!" she told everyone. They cheered. "And I will take Nico with me! Who will, of course, find himself falling for my charms and profess his love to me as I rescue him using my amazing fighting skills!" They cheered some more. Except for Nico, who was, of course, trying to get away.
"Let me go, lady!" said Nico. "You're insane! I'm only thirteen!"
Luckily, Hades had mercy on him, and the ground opened up and swallowed him.
The crowd died down. "Now I can't go on my quest!" Calliope said, crestfallen. "What's an Uber Mega Rainbow Prophecy of Death without a Nico/OC ship?"
Everyone nodded and meandered away glumly. Fathead the Fairy/Laistrygonian fluttered away into the forest, and Chiron went off to do whatever it is he does in fanfictions when he isn't announcing an Uber Mega Rainbow Prophecy of Death.
Calliope glided back to Jenna and Leif, who was just turning off the camera. "How did I do?" she asked cheerfully.
"Um... excellent! Great! It'll be a wonderful show!" Jenna said.
Calliope giggled. It seemed she only heard what others said when they were praising her. "I'd love to stay and see it, but they're calling me over in the Harry Potter section. It seems Draco Malfoy needs a new girlfriend," she explained. "So, time for me to fly!"
It turned out, she meant that literally. With that, magnificent wings glittering in every color sprouted from her back, and she flew off.
"So, ah... won't everyone remember this when they watch it being broadcast tomorrow?" Leif said.
Jenna shook her head. "Think about it. No one ever knows what they're doing when a Mary Sue is around. They'll snap back into it in an hour or so and won't remember a thing."
She took a long drink of hot sauce, then grinned. "You have to admit that was pretty fun, right?"
Leif rolled his eyes. "It was... entertaining."
Jenna laughed. "See? I promise, it'll be great."
I know it's pretty choppy and poorly written, but I have other things to do than take fanfiction seriously. Ciao!