So, I'll start with an apology for the dreadful lapse in updates. I'm doing a Master's degree and working fulltime and it's just… a lot. Mostly I get home and veg out on the couch and if I feel like writing I want a quick fix and turn to omegle. Anyway. I endeavour to do better.
I have the next chapter started (this is sort of a bit of a two-parter) but I can't give a date for when it should be up, hopefully in the next few weeks.
Thank you for being understanding, and please let me know what you thought, even if it's bad :)
"Tell me about your relationship with your father," Dr Gold said softly, after Sebastian had insulted the colour of the room and the comfortableness of her chairs.
Sebastian looked taken aback and gave an awkward laugh. "You really jump right in there, don't you?"
Dr Gold smiled politely but waited for Sebastian to speak. He sighed loudly and began speaking haltingly.
"Dad… he's… He doesn't understand…" Sebastian began slowly. "When he broke up with Mom… I think it really hurt him." Sebastian gave a wry smile. "Mom's a bitch."
Dr Gold's eyebrows rose and she seemed to be trying to hold back a smile.
"It's alright, I don't see her," Sebastian explained. "She lives in Chicago now."
Dr Gold smiled and nodded but tapped her notepad with her pen. "We were talking about your father."
"Why?" Sebastian said sarcastically, "Is this some Freudian thing?"
"No," she grinned, "I want to know how much money I can squeeze out of you in session payments." She gave him a deadpanned face, then winked and laughed and Sebastian couldn't help snorting an incredulous chuckle.
"I am joking, of course," Dr Gold grinned. "I want to know about your father because you mentioned he works with one of the men who assaulted you."
Sebastian's face went blank and he felt himself start to close off. Dr Gold watched him knowingly.
"What are you feeling?" she asked quickly, "Try not to think, just talk. Words, if you can't put it into sentences."
Sebastian closed his eyes.
"Defensive. Terrified. I don't want you to judge me…" he murmured, feeling the tears start to form behind his eyelids.
Dr Gold hummed gently. "It's okay, honey. No one will judge you for admitting what happened to you. It wasn't your fault, Sebastian."
"I didn't say no…" Sebastian said quietly. "I never once said no…"
Dr Gold smiled painfully. "Sebastian, that wouldn't have stopped them, sweetheart."
She bit her lip.
"It's not… customary for me to divulge things about my personal life to a patient," she told him. "But in your case, I think you might benefit from it…"
She took a deep shaky sigh.
"Sebastian, when I was a little younger than you, I was abused by my stepfather. Repeatedly," she added with a dark look. "I was scared of what he would do if I refused, so I never said no. Do you judge me?" she asked him.
Sebastian shook his head in horror. "Of course not! You were only a kid! Oh!" he smiled tearfully. "I get it…"
Dr Gold smiled softly. "You were only a child, Sebastian. Do you understand that? You're still only a child. I know you're seventeen, and you look like a man now, but you haven't finished growing on the inside. You don't magically become an adult. You have to mature naturally. Some people can take longer than others. I've worked with incredibly mature teenagers and incredibly immature forty-something's."
"I'm mature," Sebastian pouted.
The corner of Dr Gold's mouth twitched. "You are. But you're not an adult."
Sebastian mulled that thought over. It wasn't easy to accept, but he knew it was the truth.
"So… Back to your father…" Dr Gold prompted.
"I guess…" Sebastian began. "Dave thinks he's a bit like me."
"Does he?" Dr Gold asked knowingly as if she had expected this.
"Yeah… We're both really stubborn and suspicious I guess…" Sebastian played with a loose thread on the couch.
"How does your dad feel about you being gay?" Dr Gold asked softly.
"He never really said anything," Sebastian shrugged, still not looking at her. "His brother's gay."
"So, he's accepting?" Dr Gold looked pleased. "Supportive?"
Sebastian shrugged. "Not really. It's sort of… you know don't ask, don't tell?"
"Well… He knows… But he doesn't want to hear about it. And I'm not allowed to tell people from his office or anything."
"Ah. Is he embarrassed?" Dr Gold asked, the line between her eyes getting deeper.
Sebastian shrugged. "He says they won't accept me when I go into law."
"You want to be a lawyer?" Dr Gold smiled.
"I'm going to be one," Sebastian sighed. "Whether I like it or not."
Dr Gold shook her head. "No, Sebastian. You only get one life, sweetheart. What do you want to do?"
"I don't know. I guess a lawyer is a good job," Sebastian muttered.
"When you were a little boy, what did you want to be?" Dr Gold smiled.
"A cowboy," Sebastian snorted. "Now, I guess I've got the Brokeback part down, but I really can't pull off cowboy boots."
Dr Gold laughed. "You're a really sweet boy, Sebastian. I see what Dave sees in you."
"I'm gay, sweetheart," Sebastian gave an exaggerated flirtatious wink and they both laughed.
"How are things with Dave?" she asked, still smiling.
A soft, slow smile came over Sebastian's face and she giggled. "God, that's nice!" she sighed. "I'd forgotten how nice it is to be in love. You're not panicking anymore? Trying not to close down?"
"I… I'm trying," Sebastian admitted. "I feel safe with him, but… I get flashbacks."
"When?" Dr Gold asked, nodding and writing something.
"Um… sexytimes?" Sebastian grinned naughtily.
Dr Gold struggled to keep her mouth in a straight line. She closed her eyes and the corners of her mouth twitched again.
Sebastian watched her with a grin.
"This is fun," he smirked.
"I'm going to ignore that statement," Dr Gold choked out eventually, "But may I give you some advice?"
Sebastian frowned but nodded.
"Sex isn't something you need to rush into," she said softly. "God knows, I know how hard it is to be intimate with someone after that kind of first introduction to sex. Dave's still quite nervous about intimacy, even though he won't admit it. And coupling that with the fact that you're still having flashbacks, I'd advise you both to wait."
"We haven't had sex," Sebastian muttered. "But it'd be stupid to slow down from where we are. He doesn't push me, and I don't push him. It's just… what we're comfortable with. And it's nice to… have someone who loves me in that way…"
Dr Gold beamed.
"You're so strong, Sebastian," she smiled. "You're trying so hard to be a good boyfriend and you're doing an excellent job. You don't need to be perfect all the time, though. You know that Dave loves you, and he'll be there for anything you throw at him… What about your dad?"
Sebastian frowned. "You keep coming back to him," he rolled his eyes. "I told you, I don't talk to my dad about this."
"Do you feel loved by your father?" Dr Gold pressed. "Do you feel like if you told him about Brian, that you would have his support?"
Sebastian stared at the floor. "I think my hour's up," he said finally. "Thanks."
Dr Gold's eyes grew concerned and she shook her head. "I'm sorry, sweetheart. We can talk about something else…"
Sebastian stood up. "I'm not mad," he assured her. "And I'll come back… I just… need some time to think about that question, okay? I've wondered about it since I was fourteen and I… Dave said my dad told him he was worried about me and stuff, but… I think he's just saying it to make me feel good. Truth is; it surprises me every day that Dave still wants to be with me, because no one loves me, okay? My mom doesn't, and my dad tolerates me. And that's what I'm used to. Not Dave…"
Dr Gold scribbled something on her paper and shook her head. "Sebastian, I'm sure that's not..."
"-It is," he insisted, interrupting her. "It's the truth."
"You may feel that way, but I assure you, that there are many people who care about you, not just Dave. Tell me about your friends."
"I don't have friends."
Dr Gold didn't seem able to keep the shock from her face.
She stammered. "D-Dave mentions some boys. Kurt? Blaine? Trent? Chandler?"
"I know them," Sebastian shrugged. "They all put up with me because I'm with Dave. Kurt flat out hates me. I almost blinded Blaine last year. I've teased and bullied Trent for years, and Chandler couldn't care less if I was alive or not."
Dr Gold's eyes filled with some emotion and Sebastian felt the rage fill him.
"Don't judge me!" he snapped. "You promised you weren't going to judge me!"
Her eyes widened in surprise and she raised her hands peacefully.
"I'm not judging you, sweetheart. I'm just feeling sorry for you that you feel so alone."
"I don't want your pity!" Sebastian shouted, "You sit in this little room and listen to other people's problems and feel happy you aren't them, when really, you go home alone and you live for other people's misfortune because it means you get to forget how fucking awful your life is for a few hours!"
Dr Gold closed her notebook with a snap.
"You can't fool me, Sebastian," she smiled sadly. "I know what you do. This is your MO. You push people away when you feel them getting too close and intimate. This is what you tried to do to Dave. But the difference is that you have to come back to me. If you want help, you have to come back. Pushing me away and trying to hurt me won't help you."
Sebastian glared at her and she merely smiled comfortingly and indicated him to sit down again. Sebastian slumped over and sat down huffily. She laughed gently.
"You're used to people being terrified of you, aren't you?"
Sebastian shrugged and shoved his hands in his pockets.
"I'm your friend," Dr Gold said eventually. "Yes, I'm paid to listen, but I genuinely want to help you."
Sebastian rolled his eyes.
She sighed gently. "Okay… Maybe you should think about what we talked about and I'll see you next week?"
Sebastian nodded grumpily.
"Dave's probably waiting outside," Dr Gold checked her watch. "Do you want a minute to talk to him first, or can I call him straight in?"
Sebastian looked briefly frightened. "No, I don't want to talk to him like this," he pleaded. "I can't control what I say when I get in this mood. I'll say something to upset him."
"Okay, okay," Dr Gold said soothingly, "I'll tell him I didn't let you talk, okay? I think it's pretty great that you know you're not in the right state of mind to talk to him. Just make sure you do talk to him. Tonight. Calm down, then go to the gym and take it out on a punching bag, then go home and call Dave."
Sebastian nodded slowly. An idea was forming.