Author's Notes: Okay, this was vaguely inspired by a kink meme prompt (self, y u has no original thoughts?) but it's so utterly far from what the first prompt was about that I'm not bothering to mention it. This is pure crack, be warned. With tons of OCs. I wrote this at like, 2 AM. Also, hazing with a distinct sexual element is referenced in a humourous way, so if you're sensitive, be careful.


In Which Turkey's EU accession is a matter of great debate...

Dear Turkey,

The new conditions that could lead to your admittance to the EU are perfectly fine up to the part with the handcuffs.

Love, Egypt.


Dear Turkey,

Brother, don't be stupid! You're better than this! Europeans are all perverts anyway; dammit, they'll let you in eventually! I believe in you! Etc.!

Love, THE BEST LITTLE SISTER EVER Azerbaijan.


Dear Turkey,

Go for it! It won't be so bad! After all... You've worked so hard to get in; you can't stop because of this, right?

...What?

Love, Hungary.


Dear Turkey,

I wish to reassure you, this was all France's idea.

Well-wishings, Germany.


Dear Turkey,

Allegmagne is an arrogant fool! You shan't listen to him. sHe brought up the whip anyway./s You are making a mountain out of a molehill. I took a lot of convincing to give you this chance~ You may as well show your gratitude, oui?

Love, France.


Dear Turkey,

Ooh, with the corset? Sounds like fun! If you don't wanna, I'll go!

Love, Lebanon


Dear Turkey,

IF YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT DRAGGING LEBANON INTO YOUR WESTERNISED IMPERIAL PERVERSION I WILL CUT OUT YOUR TONGUE WITH A RUSTY KNIFE.

Love, Syria.


Dear Lebanon,

Alas my dear, that is not how it works. The outfit we have selected is too large a size to do justice to your magnificent body in any case...

P.S. I think you left your underwear at mine last Saturday. Did you want it back?


Dear France,

It's okay, I hardly ever wear it anyway.

Love, Lebanon.


Dear Lebanon,

ASDTUERFGUWDWKDGEWFUYDF;QEIHTI.

Love, Syria.


Dear Turkey,

DON'T YOU EVEN FUCKING DARE. Seriously. I am not putting up with awkward shit at the next Turkic council meeting! And I am sure as hell not being related to the EU's latest European fuck-around victim! DO IT AND I WILL THROW YOU OFF A MOUNTAIN AND STAB YOU WITH MY HAT.

Love, Kyrgyzstan.


Dear Turkey,

By all means, go ahead if your accession to the EU is that important to you. We'll take care of Kyrgyzstan. She needs to become more relaxed about such matters in any case.

Love, Uzbekistan.


Dear Uzbekistan,

DO NOT EVEN FUCKING THINK OF COMING ANYWHERE NEAR ME.

GO DIE IN A HOLE BASTARD, Kyrgyzstan.


Dear Kyrgyzstan,

I will speak to Kazakh about making you more willing to accept others' opinions. Just thought you should be informed.

Love, Uzbekistan.


Dear Turkey,

...Wait, what?

Love, Kazakhstan


Dear Turkey,

...I really don't know if I want to keep you out of the EU or see you dressed up like a kitten more.

Hatred, Greece.


Dear Greece,

What did we say about rapprochement?

Well-wishings, Germany.


Dear Turkey,

Please stop triggering my pseudo-family's neighbours' giant collective abandonment complex.

Love, Tajikistan.


Dear Turkey,

Can you not get my brother involved in this?

(PS. Nukes.)

Love, Iran.


Dear Turkey,

Can you please tell me what exactly brother France asked you to do, ve? They told me to make the super-dooper-tie-people-up-pasta but when I asked why France laughed at me! And I tried to ask Romano, but he whacked me over the head with a teacup! PLEEEEEEEEEEASE?

Ve, N. Italy!


Stupid Turkey,

YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT ANSWERING MY BROTHER AND YOU'RE DEAD.

Dammit, S. Italy.


Dear Turkey,

HAHAHAHAHAHA WITH THE KITTEN EARS AND MAID DRESS AND THE CORSET AND EVERYTHING. HAHA. I WISH I CAN COULD SEE YOUR FACE, MAN. See that's what you get for leaving why did you leave WHY DON'T YOU LOVE US ANYMORE?

HAHAHAHA, Turkmenistan.


Dear Turkey,

BASTARD, YOU MADE TURKMENISTAN CRY.

Love, Kyrgyzstan.


Dear Kyrgyzstan,

So do butterflies.

Love, Turkey.


Dear Turkey,

BUTTERFLIES? WHERE?

Love, Kazakhstan.


Dear Turkey,

Wait, how is everyone reading letters sent to other people?

Estonia.


Dear Everyone,

DAMMIT, I AM NOT DOING ANYTHING.

...Shit, I thought all that crap was a mistranlation.

FUCK IT, Turkey.


Dear Syria,

You left your handcuffs at mine, if you wanted them back.

Love, Egypt.


Dear Syria,

:D

Love, Lebanon.