Spoilers for 'On My Way'
Okay, throughout the whole episode i kept thinking that something with Kurt's past and how he may have had suicidal points at one point was going to come up.
but it never did, and then I remembered the whole 'Glee Club saved my kid's life' line from way back when.
And this happened.
Trigger warning: Talk of suicide and suicidal thoughts and the like.
Karofsky tried to kill himself.
The words repeated themselves over and over in his head. He felt responsible. He'd thought the calls were just David trying to talk to him, to maybe try and get him to change his mind.
But, if the timing was even slightly coincidental, it wasn't that.
If he'd answered the calls…
Kurt took a shaky breath as he sat in the corner of his bedroom, his eyes wide but no tears forming.
His hands still shaking, he quickly unsteadily got his phone out and sent Blaine a quick text with those same five words.
Karofsky tried to kill himself.
He quickly pressed send, pressing the palms of his hands into his eyes and holding his breath for a moment.
This was all hitting too close to home.
He felt his phone vibrate beside him, knowing that it was Blaine but not having the willpower to respond.
Glee Club saved my kid's life.
He remembered when his dad told him he'd said that to Mr. Shue. But knowing Mr. Shue, he hadn't picked up on the full implications.
Quickly feeling the bile rise in his throat, Kurt took a deep breath, trying to calm himself down and get his thoughts back in order.
If only the rest of them knew how close Kurt had been to doing the deed himself. How he'd looked it up on the internet, trying to find the cleanest way, the least painful way, the quickest way.
If only they knew.
His dad knew to some extent, but not how close he'd actually come to doing it.
But when the time came down to it, Kurt thought about everything – his dad, Finn, Carole, Mercedes, Rachel, and his newly forming friendship with Blaine.
Blaine definitely helped a lot.
Blaine was the person who knew the most, and even he didn't know everything
Swearing quietly to himself, Kurt scooped up his phone, knowing that Blaine was probably panicking. Sure enough, there were several messages from Blaine, the more recent ones on the verge of hysterics.
Kurt please answer. You're scaring me.
Kurt sent him a reply, ensuring him that he was fine, just a little shaken up.
Everyone loves you, Kurt. I love you. You're my everything.
Yeah, Blaine definitely helped a lot.
The week didn't get any better for Kurt. He had to deal with everyone talking about why Karofsky would so something like that, why anyone would even consider that, where things were actually that bad?
And then he heard Quinn comparing her small, trivial teen pregnancy to Karofsky, and Kurt almost lost it.
He did calmly explain to her the difference, what kind of situation Karofsky had been in.
God, if only they knew.
And of course Mr. Shue had to come out and tell the story about how he'd almost killed himself, and then Kurt had felt almost obliged to tell his own story.
He could feel Blaine's eyes on him. He could sense his worry, his concern. Kurt gave him a weak smile, trying to tell him that he was okay.
But Blaine knew that he was far from okay.
After he visited Karofsky in the hospital, he felt that things were slightly better. He could tell Dave was in a better place now, that Kurt had helped him and just the fact that Kurt was now going to be there for him, whenever he needed it, helped Kurt sleep a little better.
The guilt may have faded away, but the other feelings still lingered.
Whenever Kurt was away from Blaine, his boyfriend was texting him constantly. Small texts of love and reassurance, simple 'are you okay's. He could tell that Blaine was practically worried sick about him, but the way everyone was treating the situation affected him in a way he never thought it would.
Yes, after their little circle on the stage with Mr. Shue, he realized that they all understood at least on some level.
But just before Regionals, he could still here them whispering to each other in the choir room.
But why would he even consider that?
Why couldn't he have seen that there are other options?
It couldn't have been that bad.
And Kurt lost it. He choked back a sob and ran out of the room, vaguely hearing Blaine call out from behind him, knowing full well that his boyfriend was chasing after him.
He couldn't stand hiding it from them anymore. Things that week would have gone so differently if they had known.
He hoped they knew now, if his little scene hadn't been enough explanation.
He could still hear Blaine calling his name, but he kept running until he hit the auditorium, where he immediately curled in on his side and collapsed to the ground.
He sobbed for a few moments, just letting his frustration at everyone out.
And then a strong pair of arms were around his waist, gently pulling him up into a sitting position, his head resting on a sturdy chest, listening to the heart beneath it thump steadily.
Small, nonsensical words of comfort were being whispered into his ear, the voice calming and soothing, Kurt knowing it was the only thing at the moment that he wanted – that it was exactly what he needed.
He didn't know how long he sat there, Blaine's arms around him as he sobbed into his chest. He just let out what he'd been holding in for the past week, all his emotions of his past and of Karofsky and just how everyone was handling it. He let them all flow free.
Once the tears were dried, Kurt just clutched Blaine's shirt in hands, inhaling the smell that was purely Blaine and trying to calm himself down.
Blaine's hands rubbed small circles against his back, sometimes lowering to his waist to tug him a little closer, pressing soft kisses to his temples and whispering soft words in his ear.
It was just what Kurt needed, and Blaine knew that.
"I understand, you know," Blaine whispered after what could have been hours. "I was at that point once too."
Kurt nodded, because they had talked about this. They'd sat down and talked about their pasts, neither going into too much detail, just giving each other enough information to relay just how bad things were.
"But why aren't you reacting like this?" Kurt whispered back, his voice cracking. "Why – Why is it making me practically relive what I was feeling?"
Blaine sighed and tugged Kurt that much closer, Kurt shifting so that his head was rested in the crook of Blaine's neck.
"It's barely been a year for you," Blaine replied softly. "It's been almost three for me."
Kurt nodded, because that did make sense.
"I don't know why I ever felt like that was my only option," Kurt said after a moment. "I – Looking back, I feel like – that – And then the way everyone else is talking about it –" Kurt broke off with a small sob, bringing his hand up to wipe a tear out of his eyes.
"Shh," Blaine murmured, catching Kurt's wrist and wiping the tears away himself. "Shh. I know, Kurt. I know. You don't have to explain to me."
The two fell silent then, each absorbed in their own thoughts, Blaine worrying about Kurt and Kurt worrying about everything.
"I was so close at one point, Blaine," Kurt whispered after a moment. "I – It was a few days before I met you. It just – it seemed like nothing would ever be okay again."
Blaine's grip tightened on him a little, Kurt feeling his chest constrict a little beneath him. He knew this would be hard for Blaine to hear and that it would make him worry about Kurt even more, but he knew it was time that Blaine knew everything.
"And – And even after we became friends, when I was still at McKinley…there were still times when I – when I'd be in my room sitting on my floor and just thinking about it."
He heard Blaine's choke of breath, quickly whipping his head around to see the tears streaming out of his boyfriend's eyes.
"Kurt," Blaine breathed after a moment, his voice hoarse. "Kurt, listen to me."
Kurt nodded and gripped Blaine's hand, letting him know that he had his full attention.
"Kurt, you're special," Blaine whispered. "You're amazing and beautiful and – and everyone loves you, Kurt. I love you, your family loves you, the Glee Club loves you."
"I know that," Kurt replied softly. "I know that now."
Blaine buried his head in Kurt's neck, his escaping curls tickling Kurt's cheek.
"If it ever gets that bad again," Blaine murmured into his neck after a moment, his lips gently brushing against his pulse point, "I want you to call me right away. Even if it's just the inkling of a thought. Just – Just call me, okay?"
Kurt nodded. "Okay," he breathed. "I can do that."
Blaine's lips continued to skim across Kurt's neck, every small touch sending a tingle of love and reassurance through Kurt.
They sat in silence, just absorbing the fact that, after everything they'd been through, they were still there, whole and healthy and together.
"Kurt," someone said from behind them. "Is – Is that true?"
Kurt and Blaine turned from where they were seated on the auditorium floor, the sight of the whole of New Directions startling them a little.
It was Puck who spoke. He stood at the front of the group next to Finn, his eyes wide and shocked and worried.
Kurt nodded solemnly, his eyes cast down at his and Blaine's entangled hands.
"I didn't know it was that bad," Finn said after a moment. "Kurt – why didn't you tell me? I'm your brother, man, I need to know these things!"
"No one knew, Finn," Blaine supplied for Kurt. "No one knew until after he met me. And then I made him tell his dad at least some of it."
They all just stared at him, Mr. Shue stepping to the front after a few minutes had passed.
"Kurt," he said. "Kurt, we're all here for you. We're all here for you."
He had a feeling Mr. Shue would have gone on for hours, but Quinn stepped forward, the tears welling in her eyes as she crouched down beside him.
"You should have told me before," she whispered, her voice broken. "Before I made that comment the other day comparing what I went through to what Karofsky went through."
Kurt didn't respond, the feeling of Blaine's firm grip on his waist being the only thing keeping him stable at the moment.
"I should have known then, though," she went on. "The – The way you practically knew what he had been feeling. I –"
"We all should have known then," someone else, Kurt was too lost at this point, piped in. "Or how interested in Mr. Shue's story you were."
"We're sorry, Kurt," Puck said then, taking a few steps closer. "We're sorry we weren't there and that we were a little insensitive about the whole thing."
If there was one thing that got right to Kurt's insides, it was when Puck showed his emotional side.
So Kurt slowly stood up, the tears pooling in his eyes as he tugged Blaine up with him.
And then he walked into the circle of New Directions and threw his arms around as many of them as he could, still vaguely aware of Blaine's hands on his waist, feeling a small smile creep onto his lips as he felt everyone hugging him back.
"I love you guys," he whispered. "I love you so much."
They all practically screamed their love back to Kurt, causing him to laugh and grip Blaine's hand on his waist tightly.
"You guys saved my life," he said after a moment. "You guys are the reason I'm still here."
Disclaimer: I don't own Glee (if i did, it would actually be happy and comedic)
Review? I'm kind of iffy about this one because i was a little out of it when I wrote it...