Disclaimer: You are probably about to decide you're very glad I don't own Doctor Who...

This is another old prompt/request I responded to a while ago - ah, clearing out the hard-drive - look at the sorts of things you can dig up! The prompt was as follows: "Five and Six are brothers. To Six's horror, Five has started dating Six's drunk one-night stand, the Master..." And I thought, oh why not?

Rating, genre and character tags updated to match newest chapter.
This chapter: K+; Family/Humour; Five, Six, Ainley-Master

"I have something very important to tell you."

A surprised silence followed their simultaneous pronouncement, as the two brothers blinked at their phones, opened their mouths and closed them again. The elder was the first to overcome his indignation and turn to his companion, who was giggling, leaning against the TARDIS console and impatiently holding out a glass of carrot juice to him.

"Clearly he doesn't understand the gravity of the situation," he said, not bothering to cover the mouthpiece, and then to the other Time Lord, "Whatever it is you have to say, Quîntus, it cannot be more pressing than my news."

"Really, Sextus," Quîntus replied mildly. "You did say the same about that 'Cyberman' on Spartos, your jacket being partially dissolved by Formicidae acid, and...what was it again? Oh yes - that planet you found, the one that you thought bore some resemblance to Earth but was light years away."

"I'll have you know those Formicidae dissolved every hair on the left side of my head!" Sextus huffed. "It hasn't been the same since. Anyway, what could you possibly have to tell me that is so important?"

"I think we'd better meet somewhere." Quîntus had lowered his voice, and Sextus couldn't help but get the impression he would have been glancing over his shoulder for his companions. "I warn you, you're not going to like it..."


Already sipping his second glass of wine, Sextus had made himself quite comfortable in a booth in a quiet corner of the Maldovarium by the time he caught sight of his brother's cream-beige jacket across the bar. He reclined in the soft leather chair as he waited for Quîntus to notice him - which wouldn't take long - quietly confident that this time, the news that he had an evil twin separated at birth would surely trump the younger Time Lord outright.

However, when a slightly intoxicated Yeti stumbled back from the bar and Sextus caught sight of a velvet-clad figure stepping up behind Quîntus, all of a sudden shrinking back into the booth and ducking seemed a rather more appealing idea. Of course, that would neverdo - and besides, said velvet-clad figure was standing unsettlingly close to Quîntus, raising himself on his toes to whisper something in Quîntus's ear and moving closer still so that his neatly-trimmed beard would have been brushing against the blonde Time Lord's jawline. And Sextus could do more than imagine what that might feel like.

Needless to say, by the time the brothers' eyes met and Quîntus hurried across to the booth, followed closely by the man in velvet, Sextus was bristling. Hadn't Quîntus even been perched on the very same bar stool where he himself had been slumped for three days when...

"Ah - there you are." Shoving his hands into the pockets of his striped trousers, Quîntus appeared slightly awkward, and glanced towards the other man with a ghost of a smile. "I'd...like you to meet the Master. Master, this is-"

"My dear Sextus!" the Master cut in. "You look positively..." he licked his lips and smiled wolfishly, "...vibrant."

"And just what do you think you're doing-" Sextus began indignantly.

"Wait - you know each other?" Quîntus interrupted, looking from the glowering Sextus to the Master, who was still smirking like the cat that got the cream.

"We've met," Sextus answered shortly, picking up his glass of wine and taking a large mouthful.

"A mutual acquaintance introduced us," the Master explained. "An old university friend - do you remember the Rani, Quîntus?"

"I only wish I didn't..." Quîntus muttered. "Well, Sextus - I don't know if this will make what I have to say any easier, but..." Before he could find the words, the Master looped an arm through his and pulled him close to his side.

"I see," said Sextus, draining the rest of his glass.

"Yes - he and I, we...well, we're..."

"...together," Sextus finished. "Yes, I can see that."

"Yes - yes, together. Meaning...well, you know, in the sense of-"

"Sense?" Sextus appeared nothing short of incredulous. "Sense has nothing to do with it!" Abruptly, he rose and moved to pass the two. "Well, it's been lovely, Quîntus, but I really must be going. Melanie is still waiting for me to drop her off at the correct point in her timestream." With a curt nod to the Master, he straightened his lapels, turned on his heel and strode away through the milling bar patrons. "Sense..." he could be heard to snort to himself, and then he was gone.

"Oh dear..." Quîntus sighed, dropping into the seat and sliding over to make room for the Master. "I really thought he'd understand, you know..."

It wasn't until his TARDIS was long gone from the Maldovarium spaceport that Sextus realized that he had completely forgotten to pass on his own news to his brother.

The hastily-assembled hypercube he tossed out into the vortex reached Quîntus's TARDIS by the next morning, but it wasn't the intended recipient who opened the door and received the brief message:

"Put a Sestertius Decimus on the Christmas card list. And whatever you do, don't let him show you our old home videos."

Smiling to himself, the Master dismantled the hypercube, erased all traces of a psychic signature and watched the pieces drift away through the vortex like leaves on the winds of time. Let Quîntus encounter their black sheep in his own time - after all, the Master would be there for him. It had worked so well the first time.

Just as long as dear Sestertius Decimus didn't find out, of course.