AN: So funny story about why this chapter took so long. It turns out, that while I knew where the story was going next, I was completely wrong about how it was going to get there. Twice in a row...
Also when I refer to Cat Grant I'm talking about the more standard characterization, not the Smallville one,
"My plan isn't working," Conner announced, banging the door to Tim's room open, and then shutting it carefully behind him. Dramatic entrances were well and good, but that didn't mean Conner wanted to risk anyone overhearing them.
"Conner," Tim hissed, "what are you doing here?"
"I came to hang out," Conner said. "What's the problem?" Sure, they usually hung out at Titan's Tower or at Wayne Manor, mostly because it was a lot easier for Conner to fly to wherever Tim was than for Tim to come to Metropolis, but it's not like those were the only places they could hang out.
"What am I supposed to tell my Dad? Wait, was that you at the door a minute ago?"
"Oh, that," Conner said dismissively. It must really suck having your parents, or parent in Tim's case, not know that you were a superhero. "He thinks that I'm in your English class and you're going to help me because I'm having trouble."
Tim exhaled. "I guess that's fine. Just call me first next time okay?"
"Sure thing," Conner agreed.
"Now, what plan were you talking about?" asked Tim.
"The plan," said Conner. He only had the one going. He wasn't really much of a planner.
Tim looked at him. "Weren't you just going on about how well they were getting along last month?"
"Yeah, but that was a month ago. A month ago them actually talking to each other was progress. Now it's just that same thing they were doing last month," explained Conner.
"Conner, we're talking about Superman and Lex Luthor. That they're even talking to each other is probably a enough progress for a year or two at least. I mean, doesn't Luthor have bodyguards with Kryptonite bullets?"
"No, he doesn't have those anymore," Conner told him.
Tim blinked in surprise. "Luthor got rid of his Kryptonite bullets?"
"No, he just doesn't let his bodyguards have them. He just keeps them altogether with a gun in a lead lined safe in his office."
"Yeah," Tim agreed. "That makes more sense. But Luthor still has the Kryptonite, which was really my point anyway."
"So?" Conner said. "Bruce has Kryptonite and he and Clark are still friends. And there's a flour jar at Grandma's that's lead lined and I'm not allowed to touch, so I'm pretty sure she has some Kryptonite too. I don't think Dad really has a problem with Father having the Kryptonite, as long as he's not using it."
Tim looked at Conner skeptically for a few moments and then he shrugged. "He's your dad, so I guess you would know."
"Great," Conner enthused. "So how are we going to get them together?"
"I don't know what you're going to do, but we aren't doing anything," Tim replied.
"But you just said-"
"And I've been saying that I'm not going to get involved in your crazy schemes to hook your dads up. I get why you're doing it, and I won't try to stop you, but I still think it's a really bad idea and I'm not going to let you drag me into it," Tim said, giving Conner an "and that's final" look.
"Fine," said Conner, pouting a little bit. Objective A was a bust then. Onto Objective B. "Hey, I've you guys done Hamlet yet at your school, because my class is doing it now, and I don't get it at all."
Tim looked at Conner, exasperated. "You didn't actually have any sort of plan for what you were going to say to my dad when you got here, did you?"
Conner grinned sheepishly. Truthfully, when Tim's dad opened the door Conner had panicked and said the first non-incriminating thing that came to mind, that he was here to get help on his English. From there Mr. Drake had filled all the holes in Conner's story by himself. "Not exactly?" Conner said hesitantly.
Tim threw a pillow at his head.
Conner let the pillow hit his face, and then batted it aside. "Well, have you?"
Tim sighed. "Yeah, last semester. What don't you get?"
Conner smiled. Alright, English homework down. Now he just has to find someone to help him come up with a plan to hook his dads up.
So... who does he know that's smart and has no compunctions about meddling in other people's lives?
"Hey Lois," Conner said, plopping down on the corner of her desk.
Lois glanced up from her work and smiled at him quickly before turning back to whatever she was doing. "Hey kiddo, your Dad isn't in right now. My cousin called him up just a minute ago for some favor or other."
"I know," agreed Conner. He should, he's the one who asked Chloe to distract his Dad so he could talk to Lois without him catching onto Conner's plan. Well, any more than he already was anyways. Conner had tried asking for Chloe's help with the plan directly, but she had apparently sworn off meddling in his Dad's life after "the last time," whatever that meant. She was willing to support Conner's meddling indirectly though, and Lois, if Conner could get her to agree, would probably be an even better help than Chloe would. Lois, after all, had the advantage of actually being in Metropolis, instead of Topeka like Chloe, and her scary intensity would probably be extremely helpful when channeled toward the greater good of hooking his dads up. "I actually wanted to talk to you."
Lois looked at him with a sharp-toothed smile. "Ten minutes. Five because I like you, and five for that trick you pulled with Smallville and Chloe."
Conner took a deep breath. Here goes. "I want you to help me get my Dad and Lex together." Lois actually knew the truth about them both being his dads, because apparently once you knew the whole alien thing, you were in on all of Dad's secrets for life, but Conner wasn't stupid enough to refer to them as "his dads" in the middle of the newsroom.
"Conner, do you remember the last time you came in here and asked about the two of them and I told you I wasn't going near that crazy with a ten foot pole? That's still true."
"But Lois," Conner said, pouting a bit. The expression didn't work nearly as well on her as it did on his Father, but better than it did on his Dad. "It's totally what Dad wants, and I bet it would make him really happy, he just needs our help making him see that."
Lois sighed. "I would like to see Smallville with someone who makes him happy - and that's not me agreeing to help you - and I won't deny that he wouldn't mind grabbing a piece of Luthor tail-"
Conner winced at that - why must people talk about his dads having sex; sure that's what he wanted, but that didn't mean he wanted to think about it - and Lois rolled her eyes. "Your parents have sex. Not with each other necessarily, but they still have it, " she told him flatly. "Accept it and move on. Now back to my point, Clark might be as straight as a rainbow, but Luthor likes women. He likes them a lot and a lot of them. Which means this plan is already dead in the water, even if I wanted to help you."
"Well, of course he like women" - he had married six of them after all - "but Fa-Lex likes men too. He told me so."
"Lex Luthor told you he's bi?" Lois asked in one of those shouting whispers, her eyebrows having disappeared somewhere up in her hairline.
"He didn't tell me exactly," Conner replied. "I figured it out and he confirmed it."
"Holy crap," Lois said. Then she seemed to shake off her disbelief. "Well, just because he likes men in general, that doesn't mean he's into Clark - okay you know what, forget I said that. I'm not sure who I was trying to fool."
"So you'll help?" Conner asked.
"Ten foot pole," Lois repeated. "No, I'm not going to help."
"But why not?" Conner objected.
"Mostly because whatever the hell it is going on between them would take a genius to sort out," Lois told him.
"I know," agreed Conner. "That's why I'm asking you for help." It wasn't a lie, he was asking Lois partially because she was smart, even if it wasn't the entire truth either.
Lois smiled. "Flattery is appreciated, but it's not going to get you anywhere."
"But it will give you a chance to meddle in Dad's life."
"Bribery, on the other hand..." Lois said, trailing off suggestively. "Keep going."
"If Lex was together with Dad he'd probably stop doing a lot of the bad stuff that he does," Conner added.
Lois shook her head. "That's good, but no. What else you got?"
"Um... you'll know about Lex's latest hook-up" - not that Conner's Dad was just going to be a hook-up for his Father, no sir - "before Cat Grant does and you can totally rub her face in it?" guessed Conner.
"That's the one," Lois agreed, snapping her fingers decisively. "I'm in."
"Great!" exclaimed Conner. "So what's the plan?"
"I don't know yet, I just started working on this," Lois chided. "But you don't worry about it. I'll take care of phase one, you just be ready for your cue."
"My cue?" he echoed.
"Oh, you'll know it when you see it," she assured him. And then Lois grinned in a way that was positively evil.