Disclaimer: Doctor Who does not belong to me, but not because of copyrights, but because I still think the Doctor is real. Oh, Blue Box, take me away.
A/n: I would say this is for the reviewer who wanted to see the morning after scene, but honestly this is kind of for me. This was just too much fun not to and enjoy. By the way, I have other one shots like this written somewhere in notebooks that I am going to find and type up. Sorry for the rant, but still review please.
Oh and if River seems kind of out of character during the kitchen scene, that's because I'm extremely hyper writing this for God knows why.
I smiled warmly as I looked over at the sleeping man beside me. He so rarely sleeps. And him letting people see him sleep is an even rarer occasion. Although, I doubt he realizes I'm staring at him right now. He's normally so…I'm not sure how to describe it. The Doctor is just The Doctor. There's not a better adjective. He's either all on or all off. He spends so much time constantly running around, saving people, doing ridiculous and wonderful Doctor-things that when he finally does stop, he almost can't help but to fall over asleep. Granted, he can stay running without sleeping a lot longer than humans can. A lot longer. But he still does and I love that I get to see it.
He frowns in his sleep and looks a little too much like a child then mumbles something that sounds suspiciously like, "No! Don't shoot…bowtie….bowtie's cool."
I laugh in spite of myself. Even though I may act like I'm in charge, I'd still do anything that man told me. He always has a reason.
"Sweetie," I try to wake him gently, running my thumb over his cheekbone. I know he will wake up. Theta's a strangely light sleeper, has been in all the years I've known him. He could wake up at a pen dropping. That's not to say that he'd get up, but he'd definitely be awake.
He blinks and suddenly green-blue eyes are staring at me and I grin; his eyes are young. There are so few times when his eyes have this look-the joyful, a bit confused, but content look. It normally only happens when he's just woken up. He doesn't feel so old.
"Hello, River," he smiles sweetly and my heart aches for a moment while I smile back.
I hear movement in the other room and I very nearly giggle at what I've just remembered, "Hello, Doctor. Good morning?"
Most people wouldn't make it a question, but he knows me well enough to realize I'm teasing him for his cheerfulness. He does not care.
"Quite," he chirped, "Your hair makes a very nice pillow, you know?"
I throw my head back and laugh fondly at him, the low sound warming my throat, "Oh, Doctor, that was not my hair you were sleeping on."
"Then what…." He started, confused, until I simply lifted an eyebrow at him until he flushed red with realization, "I was…my head was on your ch….oh. Sorry," he grinned sheepishly.
"Oh don't be sorry to me, I may not look it, but I happen to love cuddling. Besides, you did more scandalous things than that last night," I winked at him just to see if he'd go red again. This sometimes happens; right when we wake up, he'll be too dazed and sleepy to have the presence of mind to not be embarrassed. The wonderful idiot.
He frowned at my teasing instead, "I don't recall you complaining, River."
I grinned, unaffected, "That's because I didn't."
He smiled, proud of himself. Oh, Doctor.
At his little smirk, I just decided to give in and remind him of what I'd remembered earlier, "By the way, I'm assuming you remember everything of last night now, correct?"
He only nodded.
"In that case, you realize that you're going to have to explain your biology to my parents and tell them exactly why you were giving me hickeys right in front of them."
The moment the words left my mouth, he turned beet red and his eyes grew to the size of saucers. This was going to be good. He looked downright terrified. He reached to adjust his bowtie out of nervous habit before he realized he wasn't wearing one. Or much of anything else.
"You mean….But I….River, they won't….But…..no!"
I laughed, Oh I'm going to enjoy this, "Sweetie, you basically blacked out and attacked me right in front of them. Not that I complaining," I threw him a wink for good measure and he went redder, "But you can't expect them to just forget what they saw when you go out for breakfast this morning, you know that right?"
"…..I don't need breakfast."
I smiled indulgently at him; I only let him get away with these things because of moments like this. He just makes me smile; as corny as it sounds, it makes me all warm inside. Like my head is filling up with a bright star. I think it's his soul, in my mind.
"Of course not, Sweetie."
From the glare he gave me, I guessed he knew I was being quite sarcastic.
"You're really going to make me go out there and explain myself, aren't you?" he looked at me like a five year old being asked to do trig. He'd actually rather do that.
"Doctor, I'm not making you do anything. But you have to leave this room eventually. And no, don't say 'I don't have to leave' because even if you don't, you know Mum will just knock down this door eventually to get you to explain."
He just looked at me with scared eyes for a long minute, "I imagine death by Centurion sword is a very unpleasant way to go."
I only smirked, "You're fault for molesting his daughter. You're the one that chose to love the daughter of a Centurion."
His face changed and suddenly he was smiling at me with a bewildered affectionate gaze, "Conscious choice had nothing to do with it, River."
"River," he turned around from his hiding place behind the corner to look at me with what I call his Number 7 Pleading Look. The 'I know I did something really stupid, but don't make me fix it, I promise I won't do it again' look.
"Doctor, go into that room right now and talk to my parents," I made my tone stern so he knew I wouldn't put up with any B.S.
He sighed and tried to make his countenance seem determined, "Right," he nodded, "Explaining. To Ponds…."
"Sweetie, no matter how many times you say it, it's not gonna change the awkwardness you feel. Just go."
He turned to look at me wordlessly, with the stare that meant he knew I was right, then turned and carefully walked-or more accurately tip-toed- into the TARDIS kitchen.
I grinned as I saw Mum's bright red head at the table, and my Dad's mussed bed head right beside her. They were sipping coffee and reading the paper. How delightfully-and ironically-normal.
I love these moments.
I cleared my throat to let them know we were here. I smirked as Theta immediately turned to glare at me. I stared back, loving the challenge.
"You," Dad spat, spotting the Doctor and standing up from the table, "You owe all of us an explanation. I know River said you were sick, but seriously, you had to have heard us telling you to detatch yourself from our DAUGHTER!"
The Doctor froze. He honestly did not know what to do. He's not used to that.
He gulped and looked from Dad's face to my Mum's-who seemed slightly more amused than my father, "Uuuuuuhhh…..Sorry?"
I burst out laughing. Sometimes, I just can't help it. Oh, the reactions that man can get from me.
My rather random fit of laughter caused my father to turn his stare-glare- to me, "What's so funny, Melody?"
Ooooh, he's using my birthname. He must be mad. I stared at my feet. Oh, look I'm not wearing shoes. Sorry, the Doctor's…more spastic qualities tend to rub off on me.
"Nothing, Dad. Just….well, I always find the Doctor embarrassed to be funny," I shrugged, not knowing how else to say it.
Mum stood up and smirked at the lot of us, "You know what I find to be even funnier? The fact that I had to see my daughter and best friend getting it on, all the while not being to get said best friend to stop or HEAR me, and the morning after, he can't even form a sentence. Truly. Amusing," her smirk had changed to a raised eyebrow and a 'explain or run' stare, "Oh, yeah, I didn't forget."
Damn her Scottish feistyness.
I turned red. I'm not usually one to be embarrassed or shy, but if your mum was scolding you after what happened last night….you'd blush too.
"Sorry Mum, honest. I didn't mean for you guys to ever see that. And when I first came to the TARDIS last night, I truly didn't know you guys were here. And like I said-he is my husband, and I don't get to see him often enough, or at least not this him."
She looked at me for a long hard second, along with Dad, before her face turned softer, smiling at me, "I guess I understand that. And I'm sorry about not understanding before, but you have to let us get used to you guys being…whatever you are. I mean…it'll take a while before it's not awkward and I am happy you guys have each other and all but I would rather not ever see that again. It's all kinds of disturbing," she laughed lightly.
I smiled back instinctively. I love having my Mum here, I really do even if it does make for awkward times, because I never got to tell them who I was when I was Mels. I feel that, in a way, this makes up for it.
Dad nodded in agreement, "That's all lovely and all, and I don't disapprove of the two of you being…..together, but I do disapprove of him continuing in front of us after we told him to stop."
"He didn't hear you."
…Three pairs of eyes were suddenly staring at me. Dad's still angry, Mum's confused, Doctor's embarrassed.
"I'm sorry, what?" Mum was the one to break the hugely painful silence, thanks.
I had to exert energy to keep myself from laughing, smirking, and/or rolling my eyes.
The Doctor finally cleared his throat, "Um…River…I don't think they really want to understand that bit."
"We do," my parents chorused in unison…..I'd love to say that's abnormal, but they actually used to do that a lot when we were younger.
I smirked smugly at him, "See? They're confused and mad at you…what makes you think they would be okay with ignoring this whole thing? They want to know what was happening. After all, I did tell them you were 'sick'."
"Why do I sense air-quotes?" Mum raised an eyebrow.
"Because I put them there," I grinned, wide.
She rolled her eyes at me, "Oh, Mels, you're still the same."
"So you weren't sick last night?" Rory eyed the Doctor carefully, seeming to get angry again, "Then just why were you being all….angry and moody and…why did you have a fever? I felt it. If you weren't sick, then what was that about?"
"…..I um….stood under the vent heater too long?"
That man. He always makes his lies sounds like questions. It's such an obvious tell.
"I told you you're a bad liar, Doctor," Mum laughed.
"Well, it's just…I mean I don't particular want to explain….this…" he made an abstract gesture with his hands that could've meant anything or nothing.
Mum and Dad switched their gazes to me, "Translate him River."
"…I'm not speaking, English? Funny…I thought that was Earth English…."
I rolled my eyes, "Doctor, they know what you said. You're speaking perfect English. They just don't know what you meant. They need a Doctor-to-sane-person translator. Me," I chuckled low, "So, Theta never explained any of his biology to you guys?"
I was met with blank stares, which I took to mean no, "Nothing? He never explained to you how TimeLord physiology doesn't work like human's?"
They furrowed their eyebrows and shook their heads, "He hasn't told us a thing."
"Wait…you do know he has two hearts, don't you?"
Mum rolled her eyes, "That much he got around to telling us. Took him a while though."
"Hey!" he defended, "We were always busy running around doing…world-saving….stuff! Why would I stop in the middle of that to explain my anatomy to you?"
"Oh, I don't know, in case you ever needed CPR, it might have been helpful to know!"
"Amy!," Dad rarely yells at Mum, so I was taken aback a step, "We're getting off topic."
"Right," I nodded, "Well, do you know what two hearts mean, as far as reactions go?"
"Faster circulation?" Dad guessed, his nurse instincts kicking in.
I smiled, approvingly, "Yes, well, that's certainly one thing. Makes it a lot harder to get him drunk, I'll tell you that."
"River!" Theta was outraged behind me, "Time and place. Besides, why would you want to get me drunk? You've never gotten me drunk."
I ignored his question and sighed, "Not for lack of trying," I muttered under my breath before turning back around, "Anyway, you get a fever because you're body is using more energy for a number of different processes. Did you ever wonder why you turn red when you get hot or after you exercise?"
Mum nodded, looking interested, "Yeah."
"It's because your body is trying to cool itself. It opens blood vessels close to the surface of your skin to release heat, but it also makes your skin look reddish. And sometimes, it makes your skin hotter while the rest of you cools down. Well, Gallifreyan responses don't quite work that way. I researched all of this when I was in University, trying to find him, of course. TimeLord reactions are much more….planned than human's. Every process a Gallifreyan body initiates has a function that must be fulfilled. In humans, if a reaction is started, but midway it's not needed anymore, it cancels itself out with a negative feedback system. TimeLords can't do that. The body finishes what it starts."
I heard Theta's pained groan behind me when he recognized where I was going with this.
You WOULD explain it like that, he projected the thought to me and I could feel his irritation.
Of course, I thought back, still paying attention to my parent's faces, "And I'm assuming that he never told you how TimeLords were…made back on Gallifrey either. You see, TimeLord children aren't born the traditional human way. They are genetically loomed. But sometimes, even Gallifreyans had human moments. You see, children were loomed because it was more efficient, not because they couldn't make children the other way. And husbands and wives still loved each other the same way, it was just a much more…strict, decorum society than what most humans are used to. So…that still happened, but it was always behind closed doors. Strictly, always private. Interrupting, even by accident, could get the interrupter in big trouble."
Dad stared at me, while Mum looked intrigued, "Interesting and all, but why is this relevant?"
I couldn't help the wicked smirk that decided to take over my face, "Don't you wonder why interrupting was looked upon as almost a crime?"
They looked at me, mystified as to what I was getting at, "Why?"
"It's like I said, everything is a process with a function for Gallifreyans…even that, and the process doesn't stop when the person stops. In fact, it notices that the person has…stopped. And this is where it gets awkward. The processes can't stop, they're not designed to, so when the person stops, their body literally does everything it can to make them…complete the process. Including the physiological responses I was talking about. Both hearts beat double-time, sending hormones and impulses to the brain and…other places. The TimeLord pituitary literally blocks all other logical signals. So when I said he couldn't hear you…I mean he really couldn't hear you. At one point, it's almost like he blacked out. That level of onslaught from your own body can make you delusional. And Theta never was good at fighting it."
This has to be the most awkward silence in history. And I would know, I've experienced these kinds of silences in all different time periods. Normally because of something ridiculous that Theta accidentally did.
"…..So…..you're telling me, "Mum almost couldn't keep down her giggles and Dad looked so disturbed he'd lost all traces of anger from his expression, "That he basically…got so randy that he mentally passed out?"
The floodgate that was keeping her giggles at bay burst when she saw the shade of scarlet of the Doctor's face.
I walked back over to him and laughed, "Calm down, Theta, you don't want me to think you're denying it-that I make you…how did you put it, Mother? Randy?" I laughed evilly, "Well, then I'd just feel insulted, Doctor."
"I truly don't like this conversation," was the only thing Dad said before he fled up the steps and down the hall.
"Oh, Mummy, I think you better go see if Dad's all right…"
She pinned me with her world-famous Amelia glint in her eyes, then snorted, "I can't leave you two alone! The Doctor might overheat again or something."
"I'm not a space heater!"