The Double Girlfriend Dissent
I. The Roommate Agreement Disagreement
"Hi," Penny called as she entered Apartment 4A, her eyes sweeping across the living room. Leonard was sitting on his usual chair and Sheldon was sitting on his spot, while Amy was sitting on her spot beside Sheldon. "Hey you," she smiled at Leonard, and walked over to sit on the arm of his chair. Before he could say anything, she gave him a lingering kiss.
"… Hey," he murmured when they broke apart, grinning from ear to ear.
"Hi Bestie," Amy said with a little wave.
"Hi Ames," Penny greeted, wiggling her eyebrows.
Sheldon rolled his eyes. "Now that we've established that Penny is indeed with us in this room, let's return to our discussion, which is only made even more urgent by her presence."
"What's he going on about?" She asked Leonard.
Her boyfriend shrugged. "Obsessing about the Roommate Agreement—standard Sheldon behavior."
"Excuse me, but there's nothing standard about today's revisions." Sheldon retorted. "We're at a new phase of our lives—for the first time, we both find ourselves in pairbonded states with females who also happen to be part of our social group."
"Isn't it exciting?" Amy gushed, practically bouncing on her seat. "Us besties going out with these besties?"
Sheldon frowned. "Amy, 'besties' isn't a term I'd use to describe my relationship with Leonard—"
But his girlfriend raved on: "We can finally go on double dates, we'll be able to confide to each other about our relationships, and we can have slumber parties—oh, the two of you can even come one time on our boyfriend-girlfriend singalong night!"
"Boyfriend-girlfriend singalong…" Penny trailed off, glancing at Leonard questioningly. He slowly shook his head, mouthing: 'I have no friggin idea.'
"Not so hasty, Amy," Sheldon warned, holding up a hand. "FYI, in between her screeching that could wake up dead cats and his ear-bleeding howling, they're the last couple you'd want to include in our boyfriend-girlfriend singalong night. In any case, first things first—the Agreement, and how you two girls can fit into the arrangement without inconveniences."
"What do you mean by 'inconveniences?'" Penny hissed under her breath, but her boyfriend's weirdo roommate only ignored her.
"Now, where were we? Oh yes, public displays of affection. As for kissing, it should only be allowed in the form of a friendly greeting, like so," Sheldon turned to Amy and kissed both her cheeks.
His girlfriend shook her head. "That was hardly friendly, such a greeting is only suitable for acquaintances. This is friendly." Before Sheldon could realize what had happened, she swiftly leaned forward and gave him a peck on the lips.
He visibly stiffened, his face frozen in a slightly wide-eyed look of stunned silence. But he composed himself and graciously carried on: "Um, yes, like so. No excessive touching and unnecessary exchange of saliva."
Penny crossed her arms over her chest, glowering at him. "Look Sheldon, I don't care if you still think that girls have cooties, but I'm not going to let you tell me and Leonard how to kiss."
"Now, Penny, you need not concern yourself over this matter," he said. "After all, Leonard's the signatory of the Roommate Agreement." He looked back at Leonard. "As always, the protocol regarding female overnight company stands. I expect advanced notices whenever Penny comes over for one of your, and I use this term loosely, 'sleepovers.'" He made quotation marks in the air.
"Sheldon, I've already told you about this, one cannot predict an act of passion," Leonard sighed. "I'm going to inform you of any overnight plans we have best as I can, but you'll have to expect that there will be some spontaneous instances here and there."
Penny gave him an incredulous look. "What are you talking about? Informing him of when we're going to be doing it—have you also gone crazy?"
Sheldon raised a finger to silence her and continued discussing with his roommate. "Leonard, I've made this very clear, if you must spontaneously engage in amorous activities, do it at her place."
"Fine," Leonard agreed. "But I call for at least three occasions of unplanned overnight stays for my female partner wherein the charge would be waived."
"You get three only," Sheldon countered. "And reciprocity ensures that I have the same privilege with respect to my female partner."
"Like you'd ever need to use it," Leonard snorted.
"Fair is fair."
"Opportunity paves the way for action," Amy quipped, winking at Leonard.
He gaped, blinking at a poker-faced Sheldon and then at a still beaming Amy. "A-Alright, done."
"Woah, woah, woah!" Penny held up her hands. "The hell the two of you think you're doing talking about our relationships, and when and what you're going to have with your girlfriends, when the two of us are sitting right here?"
"What do you mean?" Sheldon said airily. "It's better this way: at least both of you have gained some familiarity on what's expected of both of you as our girlfriends and your part in the Roommate Agreement."
"Leonard, tell this whackadoodle that some stupid agreement isn't going to dictate what happens in our relationship," she demanded, eyeing Sheldon. When she got no response, she whipped her head round at her boyfriend. "Leonard…!"
"It's not really going to affect anything," he reasoned, in a voice clearly meant to convince her to just shut up and play along. "It will be just like old times…"
She cocked an eyebrow. "Like old times, huh? And you know that 'us' in the old times didn't exactly work out?"
"All I meant was that you already know about my arrangement with Sheldon, and we can all reach a compromise—"
"Allow me to help you two with this," Sheldon interjected. "Leonard, your woman is clearly going to be disruptive to this activity of revision, you need to give her a talking-to. Penny, our Roommate Agreement has existed long before any of the boyfriend-girlfriend relationships in this group and is the sole bastion order in the midst of the chaos and uncertainty which this matter of 'romance' has introduced into our lives—no one screws with the Roommate Agreement."
Penny fixed a glare at the quirky physicist. "Sweetie, I don't care what your mother says—you are crazy."
"Penny, he didn't really mean that," Leonard said.
"Of course I do," Sheldon affirmed. "I never say anything I don't mean."
"Unbelievable," she huffed, jumping to her feet. "Amy, we should go."
"Huh, wha..?" Amy glanced from her, to Sheldon, to Leonard, and back to her again. But as she stomped to the door, Amy stood up and followed her.
"Wait, Amy!" Sheldon cried. "We were supposed to play Counterfactuals after the revision of the Roommate Agreement."
His girlfriend bowed her head apologetically, looking at him through her lashes. "I'm sorry Sheldon, but my bestie needs me. Like the Girl Code says, 'sisters before misters.'" She shut the door behind her and went to Apartment 4B with Penny.
"Can you believe the nerve of them!" Penny hissed, slamming her own door shut. She stalked to her pantry and was about to grab a bottle of peppermint schnapps but her eye caught the six-bar pack of Snickers beside the bottle and she took that instead. Ripping the pack apart, she tore the wrapper off one bar and bit half of it, before tossing a bar at Amy, who clumsily caught the candy. "I mean, I always knew they were crazy with this whole Roommate Agreement, and I can live with that, but did they really have to talk about it while we were right there?"
Amy tilted her head uncertainly. "Well, it was convenient—as Sheldon said, at least we already know some of the clauses relevant to us."
Her friend's calm, logical voice and innocent face only fueled Penny's annoyance instead of soothing it. Poor Amy, she had such a rough time growing up that she didn't even know how it was to be normal and didn't realize that she had a nutso for a boyfriend! She clapped her hands on Amy's shoulders and gave her a little shake. "Ames, that was insensitive of them, talking about how they're going to fit us in their Agreement, without even asking us about it, as if we'd just agree to whatever they say. And come on, we're talking about romantic relationships here—it's personal, and it shouldn't be affected by their Roommate Agreement. They should let a relationship happen naturally, not beat it into whatever box their Agreement says it should go."
Those naive green eyes suddenly darkened in distress and the cardigan-clad shoulders drooped as Amy sighed. "When you put it that way… it does sound bad." She unwrapped the candy bar in her hands and started munching.
"Uh-huh." Penny nodded, stuffing the rest of the candy in her mouth. "Oo no waff I fink?" She thumped at her chest, swallowed the chocolate and said again: "You know what I think? I think we should teach them a lesson."
The neurobiologist paused with the candy halfway to her mouth. "How exactly are we going to do that?"
"We're going on strike. A girlfriend strike," she emphasized. "They're going to remember that these ladies aren't like their little action figures they can pose and put away however and whenever they want, we are their girlfriends and they better treat us that way if they ever want to see any more boyfriend action…" she stared at Amy thoughtfully for two seconds, then continued, "well, whatever it is that counts as boyfriend action for Sheldon."
"Penny," Amy began seriously, "I know I'm a blooming social butterfly now, but despite my sparkling charm and new front-closure bras, I'm a novice in romantic relationships. Therefore, I'm unaware what a 'girlfriend strike' would entail."
"I don't know…" she shrugged. "Maybe we give them the silent treatment for starters? And then… well, I'm not really good at this-this—" she waved her hands around her head, "this mind messing stuff."
"You mean, psychological warfare?" Amy prompted.
"Yes, exactly! I didn't get to learn much about that. Back in Nebraska, any girl worth her salt would just go junior rodeo on her boyfriend if he deserves it. So I'm not really sure what to do…" she suddenly snapped her fingers, grinning wickedly. "But I know someone who would know."
"Hi!" Bernadette chirped when the door to Penny's apartment was opened. Her two girl friends each grabbed one of her arms and steered her to the couch, seating her between them. "I hear that the two of you need coaching on how to conduct a successful girlfriend strike."
"Yes," Amy nodded earnestly. "Seeing as I'm an innocent girl who knows not the ways of boyfriend manipulation, and Penny's farmgirl upbringing didn't train her for subtlety—though it paid off in the formation of her perfect physique."
Penny shook her head. "Bernadette, you're better than me at making a guy do things without using sex or punches, so spill."
"Well, the silent treatment is a good place to start," the petite microbiologist said. "But direct it at him, make sure he knows that he is the problem, not you. Make it clear that you're displeased with him, but don't be bitchy—or he's going to think you're just PMS-ing and it's totally not his fault. Remain sweet and nice to other people, so they would see that you're being perfectly reasonable, it's your boyfriend who's wrong."
Amy placed her hands on her lap, gazing at her friends with doubt. "While I understand the general concept, I'm still going to have a problem with real-life application."
Bernadette patted the brunette's hands, smiling. "Don't worry Amy, I'll teach you the specifics. For our usual group dinner tomorrow, this is what you're going to do…"
Author's Notes: Shamy is my OTP, and I also wholeheartedly support LP and HB. This fic emerged from my longing to see Shamy plus LP with bestie parallel action on the show.