Disclaimer: All names and Characters belong to Stephenie Meyer. I just play with her creations... however the plot line of this fan fiction is mine.
A gust of wind blew against my cheeks, causing my eyes to close, as a few locks of my black hair caught on the breeze. It was a relief to close my eyes for even a moment, as I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes. The same ones that I had refuse to shed since I got the phone call a week ago now informing of what had happened. But as I opened my eyes and watched the small crowd of people leave the murky and haunting graveyard, I puffed out my cheeks which was closely followed by a sigh as I shook me head at the open grave before me.
The grey casket with silver plated handles lay six feet deep in the ground. The service had been quick, that was a choice made out of my control. It took me four days to arrive back in Forks when I was told the news. I had clearly thought work was more important then rushing back here and if it were not for my boss, then I probably would have blocked it from my memory all together.
My hand raised to capture the lock of hair and tuck it behind my ear. When I moved away from Forks five years ago, I had dyed my hair from it's usual brown to a raven black, I needed a change. The way I thought, everything about me needed to be left here in Forks. The secret that weighed on my mind I managed to block out completely. But as I stood at the graveside, staring into the ground. The reasons I left this place began to come flooding back to me and I was too weak to stop them.
They were like an untrue nightmare that refused to leave me. Standing in the all too familiar churchyard, left no haunting memory unthought of in this moment and I feared the longer I stuck around in Forks, the quicker I would be sucked back into my past. I wasn't the Bella Swan that everyone once knew. I had changed so much that I didn't even recognise myself sometimes.
'Get a grip Bella' I managed to mutter under my hoarse breath as my gaze turned to the tombstone. The graveyard was empty, silent. Just the way I needed it right now. So crouching down and throwing a single red rose into the grave, before resting my hand on the tombstone. My eyes scanning over the gold lettering. Billy Black had chosen it. Everything about this was done by Billy, I didn't have a say, or an input and if I was truly honest, I was glad.
Decision making was a strong point when it came to my job, as a publishing editor for a distrubtion company in Chicago, but when it came to arranging his funeral, I couldn't do it.
'I don't care Jacob, just do what you need to' Came my words a week ago when Jacob had called to tell me of what had happened. 'You are poison Bella, don't bother coming' was his venom hissed reply as he hung up on me. That was a conversation I relived until I arrived here. But when I did, Jacob was ready with open arms.
'Night Dad' mustering a small smile I stood up again and adjusted my long black coat, before taking a step back. Charlie and myself were people of few words, or none at all really. We were never really close, but that was my fault. Charlie had tried many times to contact me over the years. He blamed himself for what happened that night.
Charlie always believed he could protect me, but not this time, no one could protect me that summer evening five years ago. But Charlie never did stop blaming himself. Even after I had left for Chicago to start my new life. He never followed me, though he did call regular, but when I stopped taking his calls, the phone calls got less and less and finally, around six months ago. They stop, completely.
I felt guilt ride through me as my 2 inch heels began to sink into the sullen mud of the churchyard. If I had maybe returned his calls, responded to his emails, or even come and visit once in the last five years, then maybe he would still be here with me today.
I was selfish, I know I was, since leaving Forks and my dark secrets behind, I didn't care for anyone, or anything, I couldn't get back what I did that night and like Jacob had said to me on more than one occasion 'You are poison Bella' and he was right.
Groaning as I felt a drop a rain hit my forehead and my head leaned back to look at the thick black dark clouds, I felt another drop before the heavens opened up completely. It was then I realised how cold I had become. Shoving my frozen hands into the pockets of my coat and backed away from the graveside.
I kept my eyes forward, never letting them drift to another grave in this same churchyard. One that I knew I needed to see, but I couldn't bring myself to. I knew that if I let the tears flood now, they would never stop and I would be forever bound here, unable to let myself leave. But I didn't belong here anymore. That was stolen from me and I wouldn't let anyone else take what I had tried so hard to mask for all theses years.
Making my way out of the creaky gates, I never looked back, not once as I headed over to my deep purple Alfa Romeo SUV. Fumbling in my pocket for my keys, as the rain began to hammer against my coat, shaking my head, as the droplets caught into my hair. I began to despise Charlie for dying, if he hadn't, then I wouldn't have been dragged back here. To face everyone. The look of sympathy on their faces. Everyone knew I had to escape this place, but they didn't truly know why. Only Jacob knew it and he wouldn't tell anyone, not even his sisters who he was close to.
Finally finding my keys, I pressed the fob on the keyring and the lights of the SUV lit up, followed by the click of the locks, as I grabbed the handle and slipped in behind the wheel, grumbling to myself, as I ran my hands through my soaked raven coloured hair.
'Time for the wake Bella' I tried to convince myself I needed to be there, but as my hands gripped around the steering wheel, I felt my head rest against it also. I wasn't ready for this. I knew Jacob would try and convince me to go back, to stay in La Push with him and with me being as fragile as I was now, I knew he would succeed.
So for a long moment I began warring with myself. I had taken three weeks off of work from the Brown's publishing firm in Chicago. The owner of the company wanted me to take longer. But I knew three weeks would be more than enough. So as I sat here in the car. I was all but ready to drive back to Chicago tonight. Though at the same time, I needed to go to the wake of my own father.
But it was then Jacob's words rang in my ears 'You are poison, Bella' so as I started the engine, hearing it roar loudly, before settling down in a soft musical hum, my hands gripping around the steering wheel, I pulled from my parking space and drove in the direction of La Push, even if it was for an hour. I could make it back to Chicago but morning then and I would at least have Jacob off my case and not despise me more for not showing.
After all, you only get one father and even if Charlie and myself weren't close. I needed to say goodbye to him. My foot pressed harder against the accelerator and speed through the slick wet streets of Forks heading in the direction of the Reservations.