I killed him.

Indirectly, I killed him. It was my plan; I did not write his name down, hell, I didn't even know his name, not then. If I had, I don't even know if I could've written his name.

How many times since then have I lay awake, just reading the name over and over and fucking over?

L. Lawliet. L. Lawliet. L. Lawliet.

His name was written in beautiful script, fitting for someone as mysteriously… beautiful as him.

L. Lawliet. L. Lawliet. L. Lawliet.

I cannot lie; I miss him. Ryuuzaki, Ryuuga Hideki, L. Lawliet, whatever the hell he wanted to be called. I miss the chase, the overwhelming desire to beat him everything we did. I miss the strange arguments we had over every little, pointless, worthless, meaningless thing. I miss how he always annoyed me, wanting to eat sweets every minute of every day or working all night and not letting me sleep properly for days on end.

L. Lawliet.


The Great Detective L.

I miss him accusing (knowing) I was Kira, and not (not wanting?) being able to prove anything. I miss him staring (creepily) at me wide, dark, beautiful eyes. I miss staring at him when (I thought) he wasn't looking. I miss his messy, ebony (was it soft?) hair.

L. Lawliet. L. Lawliet. L. Lawliet.

I miss wondering when (if?) he would (could) kill me. I miss his annoying percentages ("There is a five percent chance you are Kira, Raito-kun."). I miss telling him how wrong (right!) his damn percentages were. I miss watching him sleep when he passed out from days and days of working non-stop (He looked so innocent, so gorgeous.). I miss knowing that he watched me sleep instead of working. I miss tennis and chess and fighting when we got angry ("An eye for an eye, Raito-kun," and then he'd kick me.)

Ryuuzaki. Ryuuzaki. Ryuuzaki.

I miss trying to understand him… I miss him trying to understand me.

There is so much I wish I'd done, so much I regret, so much I wish I'd known.

There is nothing I don't miss about him, nothing that I don't regret so much that it hurts.

L. Lawliet... Ryuuzaki... L…

I wish that after I gave up the Death Note, I had never gotten it back.

He'd still be alive.

I wouldn't feel so empty.

And now I wonder; what if I had never gotten the Death Note? I never would have met Ryuuzaki, L. Lawliet, the man I love to hate.

But then the man I hate to love would still be alive, and I wouldn't feel so (be so) guilty.

If I never reclaimed the Death Note, he would still be alive, and I could get him to love me (maybe)- if this was another world, another time, another life.

I wish I'd known how I felt sooner.

L. Lawliet.

Because now he's out of reach, and I, Yagami Raito, will always be Kira… Nothing more than a killer. I can't bring Yagami Raito back. I can't bring L. Lawliet back. They are both forever out of reach.

I miss you, L. Lawliet.

If I could change things now, go back and undo everything, I would, if only to get him back, if only to save his life.

L. Lawliet.

I hope he hates me; I deserve it. I hope he wants me dead. I hope Ryuuku will write my name soon and kill me. I'm already dead. Kira is the only one left in this shell.

L. Lawliet.

He is forever out of reach, and so am I.

My literature teacher told our class to write a story about someone losing someone close to them, and this is what I wrote. Everyone liked it except for her... she sent me to the counselor because apparently, this is a sign of needing help. If you are a therapist, and you are reading this, could you tell her I'm not crazy?

This is short... D:

EDIT 9/1/2013:

I've gone through and made a few minor changes- I added a few lines and looked it over for errors. The few changes I have made are not significant enough to make it completely different and have very little effect to the story, but I feel they were necessary. Anyways, please enjoy!