SPARKLENATURAL: A Fanfiction.
Her skin was like a highway made of crystal that someone had broken their windshield across. It glittered with thousands of tiny rainbows. On every rainbow danced a tiny unicorn, as free and unfettered as the noble animals that she hunted.
But now, two tiny sparkly crystal tears glittered on her radiant face. Rosalie sobbed, wiping at her cheeks with her perfect sparkly hands.
"It's not fair. Bella got to have a tiny mutant vampire baby and she didn't even want one. Why can't I have a baby?"
Emmet looked at his wife with concern. Ever since Renesmee had turned three and moved in with Jacob Black, Rosalie hadn't been able to help Bella look after her anymore. He knew his wife was lonely. It didn't help that Leah Clearwater had recently delivered a healthy child after being hooked up with some traditional Quileute fertility drugs.
Today, however, was different. Emmett had a plan to help his wife. It had taken months of beating Edward into doing research for him, but it had all been worth it.
"Rosalie," he said, tentatively. He looked away, out of the window of their vampire mansion, taking in the staggering natural beauty of the Pacific Northwest. In the distance stood a line of majestic Douglas firs. In front of them spread a sea of dark green Douglas firs. In the foreground, next to the house, a bank of tall Douglas firs summed up the beautiful image.
"Rosalie," he continued. "I think I have an plan for solving your baby problem."
"You mean our baby problem."
"Yeah, that. Listen to me, Rose, I really think this will work."
"Nothing works! I'm a vampire! We can't have babies! Not even mutant ones!" Rosalie wrung her sparkly hands and sobbed some more.
"This will work. I promise. Now, we have to go to Vancouver, B. C. I will explain when we get there."
Inside a shady tavern in Canada, Sam Winchester looked around uneasily, wary of any potential demons, ghosts, Kodiak bears or waitresses getting too close. Dean had made them drive 300 miles to this place because he said they had really good pretzels, but Sam wasn't sure he believed him anymore. The pretzels weren't that good.
"So," he asked his shorter brother next to him. "Can you tell me again why we agreed to meet with these people?"
"I told you," Dean said. "We were in the area already, and he said something about vampires and hot women. I didn't get the whole message."
"He hung up on you?"
"We got caught up talking about football."
"You – " Sam stopped abruptly and turned as the door to the tavern opened. A ray of sunshine from outside pierced the dark room as a tall man and a blonde woman came in.
The two men watched in silence for a second. Then Dean said: "Are those people fucking sparkling."
"Rosalie," Emmett said triumphantly, "These are the men who are going to solve our problem."
Rosalie looked wary, like she did whenever Edward and Esme tried to get them to join in with one of their family Josh Groban singalongs. But she sat down opposite the two men, who had in front of them two beers and a large bowl of pretzels. Emmett sat down next to his wife and patted her hand reassuringly. "Their father is John Winchester."
"Dean," Sam said. "You didn't tell me it was another one of those couples."
"Yeah, you wouldn't have come if I did."
"John Winchester? That names sound familiar." Rosalie uneasily picked up an empty beer bottle and toyed with it, before crushing it into sand like Superman, because she was a vampire.
"John Winchester's genetic material is the most powerful force in the known universe," Emmett explained. "He can produce a viable male heir just by looking intently at a nearby woman."
"It's true," said Dean. "Me and Sam have over 70,000 half-brothers."
"What about female vampires?" Rosalie asked.
"That's the interesting part." Emmett pulled the two crumpled photographs out of the pocket of his jeans. "I have photographic evidence that John Winchester impregnated at least two female vampires. Of course, he killed them both soon afterwards, so we can't be 100% sure."
"You guys are all forgetting something," said Sam. "Our father's dead. In fact we don't even know where he is right now. He just kind of disappeared."
"It's okay. I have a summoning spell I got from the Volturi in exchange for handing Alice over to them. And they got it from John Edward."
"Wait," Rosalie interrupted. "How is a spirit supposed to impregnate me?"
"That's the thing, Rose! John Winchester's last appearance as a spirit resulted in seven pregnancies."
"Also it was in a graveyard, so the women were all dead at the time."
"That's really impressive."
"Okay, wait just one second," Sam interrupted them. "Why exactly should we help you?"
"I thought you guys helped people. That's what your ad in Hunters Digest said. It had a photograph!"
"You guys are vampires," Sam said.
"Yeah," added Dean. "You had a bunch of human-eaters staying at your house and you didn't even seem that bothered. That's kind of morally ambiguous, even for us. Also, like Sam said. You guys are vampires."
"Yeah, but you sparkle. That's really fucking weird. I don't think we should help you. I think we should kill you."
Emmett had prepared for this. He took a deep breath, and looked around the bar cautiously before pulling out his wallet.
"I'll give you 200 bucks," he said.
"Aren't you forgetting to tell them something?"
"Oh yeah, that." Dean was quiet for a second and ate some pretzels, looking thoughtfully at Emmett's wad of cash.
"What is it?" Rosalie asked.
"There's this thing," Sam said. "Any person who has sex with a Winchester dies."
"Well, I'm not technically a person."
"She's right," said Dean. He started putting Emmett's money in his wallet. "They should be safe."
"I'm not sure about that, Dean. The other day I jerked off to a porn magazine. Afterwards it burst into flames, and two of the models died of undiagnosed lung cancer. I really don't think even a vampire could withstand that. And then there's the other thing."
"What's that?" said Rosalie.
Dean sighed and put down his wallet. "Those 70,000 brothers we told you about?" He leaned forward. "They're all dead."
"Wait. You don't mean you –"
"Fuck, no. What kind of fanfic do you think this is?"
"What he's saying is that the Winchester DNA itself is also deadly," Sam said. "It's really a genetic fluke that me and Dean survived so long. And we've died like, eight times. Which means that even if you survive, your child will also be in danger."
Rosalie crossed her arms. "It's a risk I'm willing to take."
"Really?" said Dean. "You couldn't, just, you know, adopt?"
"Are you kidding?" Rosalie snarled. "This is the basis of my entire character. I can't give it up. Even if it kills me."
"Okay. But don't say we didn't warn you. Sparkly douchebags," he muttered.
"What?" Rosalie asked with her vampire hearing.
Emmett stood behind a clump of Douglas firs, watching the scene in front of him intently. About a hundred yards away, across the car park of the cheap motel, Dean Winchester stood watch uneasily at the door as inside, Rosalie completed the spell for summoning John Winchester.
He shook his head, and chambered a round in his hunting rifle, careful to not accidentally crush the metal with his superhuman strength. Sure, he might be a sparkly vampire, but he had his pride. He would kill off the Winchesters so they wouldn't go talking about impregnating his wife. Also, then he could get his 200 dollars back.
A faint noise from behind him made him turn. A shorter sparkly figure emerged from behind a nearby Douglas fir. He was wearing khakis and a knit sweater tied over his shoulders. Underneath that was a t-shirt saying "I Recycle."
"Edward," Emmett said.
"I guess you don't want me to kill Dean." Emmett sighed. He lowered the rifle.
"Oh, no." Edward flicked his auburn hair out of his eyes. "Kill the heck out of Dean. Just don't kill the guy inside."
"What is happening in there is very… important to me." He smiled.
Emmett frowned in confusion. Since when had his brother been interested in heterosexual sex, let alone reproduction? "Why do you care, bro?"
Edward opened his mouth to explain, when there was a clicking noise from behind him. Sam Winchester was holding a sawed-off shotgun to the back of his head.
"I should have known," Sam sneered contemptuously. "With the yellow eyes and the campiness and the tendency to make out with other dudes."
"Edward!" Emmett yelled. "What is this fuckery?"
"Tell him, Edward."
Edward sighed. "We're not vampires at all, Emmett. We're demons."
"It's not important! Why do you want them to have sex?" Sam demanded.
"Because John Winchester is the only force of nature that can overpower female vampire infertility. And vampires' invincibility will cancel out the Winchester death curse. The half-demon army that Rosalie and John Winchester produce will take over the entire world!" Edward laughed, as evilly as a dude who drives a Volvo could ever laugh.
"Not if I stop you first," Sam said.
"Oh, please. If a gun could ever stop me, don't you think Bella's father would have killed me by now?" Then Edward did that thing where demons throw people around, and pinned Sam against the nearest Douglas fir.
"Edward, I don't understand!" Emmett said. "All the blood drinking!"
Edward sneered. "I just really hate elk, gosh darn it. Do you know the amount of greenhouse gases those things emit?"
"How could you do this? How could you use my wife to take over the world with your sparkly demon army?"
"I was always jealous of you, Emmett. You're a man's man. Women like you. Normal women. The only women that like me are underage girls with low self-esteem or elderly ladies who are deeply unsatisfied in their marriages. It's like I can't just be with a normal woman. Do you know what that's like?"
"I kind of do," said Sam.
"Shut up!" Tears welled up in Edward's eyes. "I can't even go to a Fallout Boy concert without practically being gang-raped by Twimoms." He sniffed. "Where are their children, dammit? Are these women even looking after them?" He shook his head. "I want this whole world to end, Emmett. Humanity doesn't… deserve to live. Not like this."
"I can't let you do that, Edward." Emmett said. He raised his rifle, and shot Edward in the neck.
Edward fell back against a nearby Douglas fir and then stood back up, growling. "I told you a gun couldn't stop me!"
"Yeah, but this can," said Sam from beside him. He reached into his pocket, pulled out the crumpled receipt from the bar, and threw it away, into a clump of young Douglas firs.
"Dammit!" yelled Edward, blood still pumping over his sparkly neck. "You can't just litter like that!"
"That's not all, Edward," said Emmett. "That rifle shot ejected a cartridge somewhere. It's lying on the forest floor right now. Waiting for a bird to accidentally swallow it."
Edward stood in confused, impotent rage, torn between the two pieces of litter, blood continuing to flow down his glittery arms, dripping over his "End Poverty Now" bracelet. And then Sam shot him.
Half of Edward's head graphically exploded, covering Emmett and Sam with chunks of chiseled Greek God and topaz eyes. Emmett didn't hesitate: he jumped forward and quickly tore his brother's head off, tossing the mangled piece of flesh off into the forest. Edward's body fell to the ground, twitching, blood soaking into the soil and Douglas fir needles.
"Emmett!" Sam yelled hoarsely. "How do we make sure he's dead?"
"We have to burn him!" Emmett shot the body again, which was still twitching. "It's the only way!"
"There's lighter fluid in my backpack. In the trunk of the car!"
Emmett nodded, and using his vampire speed quickly ran to the car and got what he needed. When he got back Sam was holding Edward's headless corpse, and was smeared all over with blood.
"Uh," he said. "What were you doing?"
"Were you… drinking his blood?"
They looked at each other awkwardly.
"So," Sam said eventually. "Are we going to burn this guy or what?"
"Well, I guess it all worked out," said Rosalie as they stood in the car park afterward. Behind a patch of clouds, the sun was going down over a bank of distant Douglas firs. "The Winchesters survived, Edward is dead, and most importantly, I got my demon-spawn vampire baby."
Emmett nodded in agreement. He had decided not to kill the Winchesters. One of them had just helped him save the world, after all. Also, thanks to them Edward was dead, which meant that Emmett wouldn't have to listen to him playing Coldplay all night anymore.
"It's not all over," Dean said seriously.
"Yeah," said Sam. "How are we going to stop this creature from reproducing and taking over the entire world, like Edward planned?"
"It's okay. I will raise him to be a libertarian."
Sam and Dean sighed in relief. Emmett put his arm around his beautiful wife and squeezed her happily. Everything was going to be alright.
Sam and Dean got back into the Impala, tired but happy after their vampire-demon adventure. Dean looked over at his brother. "Why are you wearing gloves? It's not that cold."
"Oh, no reason." Sam said casually.
Dean shrugged and started the car.
The clouds moved, and a beam of late sunlight emerged from a tall Douglas fir next to the car, illuminating a patch of Sam's neck without Dean noticing. In the dim golden light, his skin sparkled slightly.