Why is Mama Moaning?
A/N: Good morning/afternoon/evening/night, and welcome to my first (that I've posted) Hetalia fanfiction that I'm writing instead of working on my main fanfiction, 'The Greatest Thing You'll Ever Learn', like I should be. The others are unposted because I'm lazy, not because I suck (I hope), though I write stupidly long authors notes and use too many brackets in them (or so I've been told, self-demonstrating point is self-demonstrating). I came across this prompt on the kink meme and I'm sure it's been done before about a million times, but I wanted to take a stab at it. It's the good old Sealand walks in on Su-san and Finland having sex and ends up getting a highly awkward yet hugely amusing sex talk. Overdone, but yay. So, Rated for SuFin sexytiems that Sealand sees, but nothing hideously explicit. Making this a T-rated fic. Wow, my first T-rated fic! I normally write dirty, dirty porn, so…yeah. Title comes from a children's book cover I came across (though it's debatable whether it is real or not), called 'Why is Mommy Moaning?', all about teaching your children about the birds and the bees.
This is thinking/dreaming.
"Anything in italics and quotes is written stuff…kukuku…"
This is regular story.
This is author's note.
This is title.
Warnings: Um…SuFin sexy time, accidentally watched by Sealand. Since this is third person focusing on naïve little Sealand (a name which my spellchecker does not recognise), nothing particularly descriptive will happen, thus warranting only a T-rating. No language (British spelling, by the way), no violence, no drugs, pretty safe really. Mostly nation names used, with a few human names chucked in because I'm cool.
Disclaimer: Hetalia is the property of the fabulous Himaruya, so don't sue me. Prompt is also belonging to godknows who on the APH kink meme, which is on livejournal. Not that I spend time on kink memes or anything O.O
Dedicated to James95, who reads this kind of thing and because we talk about nothing but Hetalia. Nothing! So here, waste some more of your time:
Sealand couldn't sleep.
It wasn't a regular occurrence. He normally slept like a log, safe and sound in his own bedroom inside Mama and Papa's house, the door cracked ajar to let a little light from the hallway in just in case. If he was sick, Hamatamago might be allowed to sleep on the bed. And of course, being a real nation and all, Sealand never had nightmares. Those dreams about giant squid under the bed totally didn't count.
There had been one or two times when he had tried to stay up all night, but most of those hadn't worked. Ending up horribly grumpy the next day wasn't worth it. Being physically young had its limitations, after all.
But tonight, he wasn't sick, and there wasn't the warm, comforting presence of Hamatamago's soft body curled up next to him. The door was ajar, but the hall light was off. And there was a strange sound coming from down the hall.
For a moment, he thought it was a dream. It probably was a dream, since he'd never heard that kind of moan before, except on this one internet site he'd accidentally come across a few months back about lots of pretty human ladies, until Finland had checked the internet history and installed parental control.
But it wasn't like that kind of funny sound. The ladies were all high pitched and squeaky, but this noise was deeper, more manly. Well, not that much more manly, but sort of. And less – restrained, somehow.
Maybe it was a ghost. He had heard England had freaky ghosty things at his house, so maybe all houses had ghosts. If they were ghosts of cool people, that would be one thing, but if they were just going to sit around down the hall and make strange noises all night, then-
Then what? Talking probably wouldn't help, if all the ghost did was make funny moaning noises, so maybe confronting it head-on would work better. Just because Sealand didn't technically have an army didn't mean he couldn't win against some kind of lame ghost!
He swung his legs out of bed, resisting the temptation to snuggle back under the warm duvet once the colder air hit his skin. The annoying moaning sound continued, forcing him to keep going. Slipping out of bed, he paced across the carpeted floor in bare feet, pushing the door open silently. The element of surprise was everything.
The corridor wasn't completely dark. A beam of light shone from underneath Sweden and Finland's bedroom – technically just Sweden's bedroom, since Finland had his own, but never seemed to use it. All the wardrobes were full of clothes he never wore, and the bed was never slept in. And there was only one bed in Sweden's room. Maybe they shared it for the warmth or something. It was all very odd.
It wasn't like Sealand didn't know Sweden and Finland were together; it was obvious, what with Sweden calling Finland his wife, a name Finland still objected to, all the lingering touches, sitting close together and even living together. Most nations didn't live together unless one was under the rule of another, and as far as Sealand knew, Finland was independent. They were practically married though, which was why Finland was 'Mama' – though never to his face. Most of the time.
Cocking an ear, Sealand listened closely. The weird moaning noises weren't coming from down the corridor; they were coming from the bedroom. And it wasn't just one noise, either. There was some kind of slapping noise too, with occasional low and unmistakably manly grunts. Was it two ghosts instead of one? Or was it something more dangerous? What if it was a monster come to murder Mama and Papa in their sleep! Saving them would definitely win Sealand full recognition as a nation, with the added bonus of saving Finland and Sweden from death.
With that thought in mind, he threw open the door and instantly froze.
Finland was on his hands and knees on the bed like he was crawling forward, but Sweden didn't seem to be helping much, and kept pushing his hips forward. That was what seemed to have been making Finland moan a lot. One of Sweden's arms was hidden underneath the other man's body, making rough movements that stopped almost as soon as the door opened, but not quite quickly enough for Sealand not to notice what it was he was touching.
As soon as the door had opened, the couple on the bed had stopped. Finland's face was flushed bright red, mortification slowly overtaking his facial expression. Sweden seemed as blankly menacing as normal, but stopped moving.
Whatever he had walked in on, Sealand knew it was good.
"What are you doing?" Sealand asked once he found his voice again.
There was a long pause as Finland recovered use of his arms and dragged the crumpled bed sheet to his body, looking just as mortified covered up as he had been completely naked. When Sweden refrained from grabbing a piece of duvet to cover himself, Finland shoved a handful of the sheet over his lower body and looked pointedly at him.
"K'tch'n," Sweden mumbled. "N'w,"
"…are we – we can't just – about that, that's way too – maybe, if you-" Finland's panicked voice babbled from the kitchen. From what Sealand could see through the crack in the closed door, both Sweden and Finland were sat around the kitchen table. Finland's hands were waving wildly, just inches away from a complete freak-out. Sealand quirked an eyebrow; if Mama was freaking out that badly, then he must have done something really bad or something. Papa was calmer, but that was pretty normal.
"-d'n't see why n't – 's j'st-" Sweden mumbled back, barely audible before Finland started again.
"-he's a child, we shouldn't expect him – understand about things like-" A large hand came to rest on Finland's quivering shoulder, and he visibly calmed, subconsciously leaning into the touch. He rubbed a tired hand across his eyes, casting a worried glance back towards the door.
"-old 'nough," Came the deep reply, which seemed to settle things. Sealand stepped back from the door, leaning casually against the wall. It didn't count as eavesdropping unless you got caught.
The kitchen door opened. Finland stood, wide-eyed and blushing, hair still ruffled from whatever strange activity Sealand had observed from before. He stood still for a moment, just looking and trying to picture the previous scene, not quite understanding but knowing that it was something deliciously forbidden.
Su-san's ever-present glare prompted him to scamper past Finland and perch excitedly on the edge of an empty kitchen chair, waiting to be filled in. Maybe it was part of the secret to being recognised – maybe if he did that to other nations, they'd recognise him! Or maybe it was part of some kind of magic ritual thing like England did! Or maybe it was the secret way of getting into the UN!
Whatever it was, neither of the adult nations seemed particularly pleased about the situation. Finland sat very close to Sweden, almost shaking again, nearly jumping through the ceiling when a large hand rested comfortingly on his knee.
"Fine. A-alright, Peter, we've decided you're old enough to tell you a-about – about-" Finland started.
"About what?" Sealand said excitedly, practically bouncing up and down in his chair. This could be it – a brand-new challenge, a way to dominate that idiot England and make the world recognise Sealand as the greatest nation in the world! Now, if only Mama would stop stuttering and tell it straight…
"Thebirdsandthebees!" A bright red blush jumped to Finland's cheeks, strangely reminiscent of the one right after Sealand had opened the bedroom door. Maybe that was what was making him so incoherent. All the blood that was supposed to be in his brain, letting him talk about the super-awesome secret that could make Sealand a recognised super-nation, had escaped to his face instead.
"What?" Sealand replied flatly. The bouncing stopped.
"Th' b'rds 'n th'-" Su-san translated.
"About, like, animals and plants? I already know about them, just because Sealand is in the middle of the sea-"
"No, not about that. And what did I tell you about saying 'like' unnecessarily?" Finland chided, confidence seeming to grow a little. With a couple of deep breaths, the blush thankfully started to diminish.
"That I shouldn't copy everything Mr. Poland does," Sealand said, rolling his eyes. "But I don't see why! Feliks is kind of cool sometimes, even if he does like to wear girls clothes-"
"S'x," Sweden mumbled.
There was a short silence as Sealand's brain added the word to his vocabulary forever, and as Finland froze in his chair, blush rising again. The concept of subtlety apparently meant nothing to either of them.
"Sex?" Sealand repeated loudly, making Finland shrink away a little more.
"Y-yes, that's w-what we meant to t-talk about," Finland tried again. "Y-you see, when a mummy and a daddy love each other very much-"
"Is that how human babies are made?" Sealand said, excitement picking up again. If it was related to making his human population bigger, it could be important in gaining recognition! "Like when a lady gets all round and fat and then later she's got a little baby human to look after? Why don't nations do that?"
"Th-the thing is, nations don't r-reproduce like th-that," Finland said. His gaze drifted downwards, to look at his lover's hand on his knee. It would have been so much easier to just explain human reproduction and leave everything else to England or one of the other nations – except possibly France – to explain, but tonight just had to be the one night when Peter was awake.
"W' j'st 'ppear," Sweden added helpfully.
"Like magic!" Exclaimed Sealand. Maybe that was it! Maybe sex was a kind of special magic that could make a nation super-powerful! Though if sex made a nation super-powerful, why didn't countries like France rule the world? Then again, Greece was the most sexually active nation, but he wasn't doing too well at the moment, either.
Sealand frowned. There were definitely details missing somewhere.
"Yes, j-just like magic," Finland stuttered. "W-what you saw us doing earlier was like what humans do to get b-babies,"
"But you already have me. Why would you want a baby?" Sealand asked. Would it be a replacement? Would he be left all on his own? A shock of the pain of abandonment raced through his body at the thought of having to leave, and it showed in his slightly watery eyes.
Finland paused awkwardly.
"We don't. B-but it does feel nice," He replied, voice getting increasingly quiet.
"Was that why you were making those funny faces and noises, then?" Sealand said bluntly. "I thought it was a ghost or something making those noises, but I guess ghosts make more scary noises than silly noises like that, unless they're sex ghosts. But I've never heard of sex ghosts, so I guess it was just you,"
"Yes," Finland said as quietly as possible. "S-su-san and I-I were having s-sex,"
"Why?" Asked Sealand shortly.
Finland paused for a second, unsure how to reply. Thankfully, Sweden did it for him.
"Wh'n ya love s'm'ne, ya wanta sh'w it," Sweden answered. His hand squeezed Finland's knee encouragingly.
"But isn't sex for making babies?" Sealand said. Then again, if nations couldn't have babies, and if men couldn't have babies, why would nations bother at all?
"H-have you ever heard the expression 'making love'?"
"The thing France keeps trying to do to everyone?" Sealand said, grinning. The thought of France doing that kind of weird thing Finland and Sweden had been doing before was just awkward – who would he do it with? And which part would he be doing? "You know, that kind of explains a lot of things, actually, if he wants to do sex to England and laugh at all the silly faces and-"
"'s hate s'x," Sweden pointed out. Finland turned to look at him with a look of mild outrage.
"S-su-san! We shouldn't tell him about things like that!" He squeaked.
"'m s'pprised he d'sn't know," Sweden replied. When Finland cocked a curious eyebrow. "Intern't,"
"Oh, is that what those ladies on that weird site were doing? Because they kept saying how they wanted to – what was it? Oh yeah, they kept saying that they were waiting for me to come slam their cats really hard or something. It was-"
"Cats? What kind of site were you on?" Finland shrieked, all kinds of mental images of women doing unmentionable things to innocent felines attacking his mind. There were certainly some weird things on the internet, but to think that adorable little Sealand had found that kind of thing was terrifying. What else did he know about but not understand?
"-really random, and then I clicked this button and they were all tied up-"
"P'ssy," Sweden corrected quietly. Finland's eyes widened.
"-and then there was some guy doing something to a dog and-"
"Peter!" He said shrilly. Sealand stopped to look at his flustered mama.
"Did you work out how to get around the parental blocks I put on your computer?" Finland asked faintly, all his previous confidence draining at the realisation. Damn, that would have been another way to get around the awkwardness of the sex talk; have the internet do it for them. It wouldn't be entirely unbiased though, considering some of the perverse things that were on the internet, but it would have been less awkward. Probably. Until Sealand started asking about strange fetishes or something.
"Duh! It was really easy, actually. I can't stream anime with them on, so I had to delete it," Sealand said brightly. "Also, how does sex make babies? And if you need a mummy and a daddy to make a baby, how can the mummy be a man and still get pregnant? I've never seen a pregnant man before. Oh, except for this one time on this website-"
"M-men can't get pregnant. We don't have the n-necessary equipment-"
"V'gina," Sweden muttered, completely ignored by a mortified Finland.
"-to carry a baby. W-women have a v-vagina, uterus and ovaries, a-and a man has a p-penis and-"
"I th'nk th't's 'nough f'r t'night," Sweden stood up, sensing his partner coming to the end of his tether. "Go b'ck t' b'd,"
"Good night, Mama and Papa!" Sealand said happily, pushing back from the table with a loud squeak, before skipping out of the door.
Once he was gone, Finland collapsed on the table. He didn't even have the energy to correct Sealand calling him 'Mama'. The cold wood was relaxing against the building headache from Sealand's erratic shouting and the extreme stress, but he could feel it was going to take a while to get over this.
"Oh, thank god he's gone," He groaned into the table. "Do we have any alcohol in the cupboard?"
A chair squeaked agonizingly loud across the floor, almost as grating on Finland's ears as Sealand's jabbering. The warmth of Su-san's hand disappeared briefly, before resting softly on a shoulder.
"I'll m'ke s'methin', if ya w'nt," He mumbled, softly though soothingly.
"Just milk, if it's not too much trouble?" After a short, quiet moment of shuffling slippers and clinking glasses, a cup of milk appeared on the table. Finland's fingers wrapped around the cool glass, grateful for the cold against his hot skin. Being a surrogate parent was incredibly stressful at times. "Thanks. I don't know what I'd have done if you hadn't been there to help. Well, if you hadn't been there, we wouldn't be in this situation to start with, but-"
"Shhh. S'okay," Sweden said, moving to wrap an arm across his lover's shoulders. Finland relaxed into the touch.
"Shall we go back to bed?" He suggested. He drained the last of the milk from his glass, setting it back on the table and shifting his chair back as quietly as possible. It still made a loud noise; he'd have to do something about that. One of Sweden's fingers brushed across his lips before retreating to his own, licking away a stray droplet of milk. That one action sent a rush of irrational lust through Finland, remembering exactly what those lips and that mouth could be doing, licking more than milk-
On an impulse, Finland stood and pressed a quick kiss to the other's lips before pulling back, the fear of doing something wrong or too sudden crossing through his mind. What if it was too soon after Sealand walking in on them to even think about intimacy, or-
"'kay," Sweden replied simply, before leaning down to kiss Finland. His heart rose as his lover's fingers tangled in the back of his shirt, mouth opening to deepen the kiss with a hint of desperation.
"Oh, and Mama? Could you be quieter if you and Papa are going to sex again?" Sealand's voice called, becoming louder and louder until he appeared in the doorway. "Ooh, are you going to do sex in the kitchen? Maybe that's better, since its downstairs so if you're noisy I can't hear you, but-"
"Peter! Go back to bed, now!" Finland squeaked loudly, pushing away from Sweden as fast as possible and blushing fiery red.
"Fine, fine," Sealand rolled his blue eyes before leaving quickly.
God, mamas and papas and their birds and their bees…
A/N: Poor, traumatised Finland xD still, SuFin is one of my favourite pairings (vive la canon!) and I'm sure I could somehow warp this into the hurt part of a hurt/comfort fic, so much sex would ensue. You can tell I'm in a perverted mood – I've had to edit three lots of superfluous french words out of this author's note. Excellent. Please feel completely free to review! You know you want to! Also, let me know if you want more. I know what I could write for more, but if no one cares…well, guess what isn't getting more written. This isn't a top priority story for me, since my main fic is all-important (my bloody life revolves around that bloody fic…grumble grumble grumble…) so tell me! I don't know if you don't tell me! It takes like, 3 seconds to say "I want more of this". Review!