Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. Or Sasuke. All Kishimoto.
Warning: Rated M for mentions of lemon, dirty-talk, explicit sexual connotations and gender-bending mentions. Also, slightly crack-ish and possibly OOC. Don't like, don't read :) Don't say I didn't warn you though!
Author's Note: A really sick, perverted, cracky little thing I had to write for fun. I'm depraved. And way too excited about this coupling. Read and review please! (And please don't flame me about how Naruto would never keep a journal/book thing or whatever - because hey, guess what - creative license! I kind of need him to!)
Uzumaki Naruto's List of Awesome Stuff to Do
STAY AWAY OR I'LL RASENGAN YOU, BELIEVE IT!
Teme, that means you!
By stay away I meant stay away from this book, not stay away from the village. Because assuming that you're back to the village – thanks to my awesomness, dattebayo – I don't really want you to go…
Seriously. I can use Sage Mode now.
Dark eyes narrow slightly, a slight smirk tugging at pale lips.
Hands flip the book open, flicking carelessly through the pages.
Suddenly, they freeze.
Book falls to the ground with a loud thud.
"TEMEEEEEE!" Naruto screeched, "I – you – what – CAN'T YOU READ?"
The blonde shinobi was more hyper than usual, his face resembling a particular vegetable (or rather, fruit) that a particular best friend of his was particularly fond of.
"Well – obviously," Sasuke muttered, smirking, "How else would I know that you-"
"Shut up! Shut up!" Naruto shook his head furiously, lunging at the journal.
Sasuke's smirk grew wider as he leapt to the side nimbly, holding it out of Naruto's reach.
"SHUT UP, DATTEBAYO! I MEANT WHAT WAS ON THE COVER! IT SAID 'STAY AWAY!'"
"It also said 'assuming you're back from the village' which meant you started writing this," Sasuke thought for a moment, "At least three years ago…"
"I – you – just – just give it back!" Naruto mumbled, still flushing, unable to meet the eyes of his best friend.
"Three years," Sasuke repeated, though his voice was quieter, "You've been making this – this list for three years. I knew you were obsessed with me, but that's – that's just –"
"Don't!" Naruto pleaded, "Just – don't say anything – give it back to me – and we can pretend this never happened. Please don't be a bastard about this!"
He covered his bright red face with his hands and cursed under his breath.
Sasuke smirked again at this – a positively evil (yet undeniable sexy) smirk, and walked towards Naruto, wrenching the blonde's hands away from his face.
"Wha-" Naruto began, blue eyes widening, but he was cut off, as Sasuke slammed him to a nearby tree, pressing his own hard body flush against Naruto's.
"Wha-what are y-you doing?" Naruto practically squeaked, nearly combusting at the proximity.
Sasuke locked his dark gaze with Naruto, onyx eyes smoldering.
"Fantasy number three," he murmured huskily, his tone teasing, "Smug, aggressive, violent Sasuke 'accosts' Naruto at the Team Seven Training Ground."
Naruto's head reeled, and his knees went week, and it was a good thing that he didn't pull a Hinata, because the very next moment, Sasuke leaned in and slid his lips over Naruto's.
Their second legitimate kiss.
Their first intentional one.
"So…" Naruto grinned a few days later, staring up at Sasuke, his blue eyes sparkling, "How about we – um – try another one of those – you know?"
"What?" Sasuke asked uninterestedly, though his actions betrayed his tone.
His pale fingers were stroking Naruto's sunshiny hair, as the blonde rested comfortable on his best friend's (and quite possibly lover's) lap.
"My – uh – list," Naruto said sheepishly, flushing.
Sasuke raised an eyebrow.
"Naruto some of those were obscene-"
"Hehe," Naruto blushed harder, "You know – hanging around with Ero-sennin does that to you!"
"Hey, Sasuke how about-"
"Forget it, dobe."
"What! Why? You didn't even listen to what I had to ask you!"
"I know what you were going to ask me."
"No you don't, 'ttebayo!"
"Your ridiculous list-"
"N-no! Of course not! I – was asking – uh – if you-"
"We're not getting ramen for lunch either."
"BASTARD! WHY DID I EVEN BOTHER BRINGING YOU BACK?"
"…I could leave right now-"
"DON'T BE STUPID, DATTEBAYO!"
#6: The Shadow Clone Gang-Bang: Naruto Style
"I don't see your problem!" Naruto whined, "Most guys would love to have multiple – lovers. I mean, this is entirely your benefit!"
"That's really depraved," Sasuke said, "And I would never consent to-"
"Really? Well too bad! Kage Bunshin no Jutsu!"
"Naruto – no – wait!"
#7: The Shadow Clone Gang-Bang: Sasuke Style
"Gah! Sasukeee! Why not? I did it for you!"
"Your idea, not mine."
"You enjoyed it, asshole!"
"There was a lot more than 'hn' coming out of your stupid mouth when I was simultaneously sucking you off and fucki-"
"Shut up! Deadlast!"
"Ha! That's a blush! I know you liked it! You were moaning my name like a little girl!"
"Fuck off, dobe!"
"Don't you think it's time to return the favor?"
"Meh, fine, you pansy… bet you just don't wanna share me cause you're so freakishly possessive, even with yourself-"
"You're senile! I'm not – I don't-"
"Yeah? I don't believe it!"
"Dobe – just – argh – Kage Bunshin no Jutsu!"
#10: Doing it on water (because the bastard is hot(ter) when he's wet)
"Naruto, you idiot! I'm soaked!"
"Well – you – gah! I lost control of my chakra! I'm sorry!" Naruto wailed as he clambered out of the water to crouch on top of the surface.
"This was a stupid idea," Sasuke muttered, following suite.
"But you look really hot when you're wet – and angry," Naruto blushed.
"That's what showers are for, moron!"
"But that was number five, and we've done that one like twice already!"
"Well you obviously don't have the chakra control to pull this off!" Sasuke growled.
"I do!" Naruto shot back, blushing, "It's just – with you – doing that – I sort of – um – lost it…"
#11: Doing it on a tree (in the Land of Waves)
"Why specifically Land of Waves?" Sasuke wanted to know.
"Um – because – you know," Naruto chuckled, "Remember that tree-climbing mission – and at night – how me and you got to the top – it was like our first night of bonding!"
"That sounded so wrong," Sasuke rolled his eyes.
"But really!" Naruto continued earnestly, "That was such a great mission, dattebayo!"
"I'm not coming to freaking Wave just so that we can have sex some random tree-"
"It was a very specific tree-"
"Oh good god, Naruto-"
"And incidentally – I – um – convinced Tsunade-sama to – hehe – well we got a mission to Wave, just the two of us, starting tomorrow, and –"
#14: Naruto molesting a bleeding, defeated Sasuke inside an ice prison (potential prop: senbon needles)
"You're fucking crazy."
"I'm not! You sacrificed yourself for me! You were so amazing back then-"
"You sap. I'm not injuring myself for you-"
"No! And neither of us can even do ice jutsu!"
"Your Sharingan was activated, I'm sure you copied it all those years ago!"
"It was his Kekkai Genkai! Sharingan can't copy those!"
"And anyways - this I am not doing. Why the fuck am I 'defeated'? Are you necrophiliic or something? I mean potential prop? What the fuck is wrong with you?"
"It adds to the authenticity of it, dattebayo!"
#18: Do it like they do in the Forest of Death (Sasuke is really pissed off and hot and has those black marks on his skin, though his eyes are still normal Sharingan. And I'm basically awesome.)
"You have a death wish. And you're fucking insane. I don't know why I'm still with you."
"It'll be good training-"
"Training for what?"
"Come on - you know you want it!"
#19: Naruto 'comforts' an angsty and sad Sasuke on the hospital bed.
"Angsty?" Sasuke exclaimed indignantly.
"You were back then!" Naruto retorted, "Don't deny it! You were one dark, vengeful, sexy mass of angst!"
"And come on, it'll be fun in the hospital bed because there's that added thrill of not wanting to get caught by Sakura-chan because she would pulverize us both-"
"And what's you definition of comfort?"
"Ah, you know," Naruto grinned lecherously, "Biting, licking, sucking… all that…"
Sasuke looked away, fighting the flush in his cheeks.
"Maybe even fucking-"
"You topped last fantasy! It's my turn! You can top again next time."
"Hn. We'll see about that-"
"Bring it on!"
"Wait – Naruto – next fantasy? There are more?"
"Oh, you have no idea," Naruto rubbed his hands together.
Sasuke rolled his eyes,.
"Don't tell me the next one involves us fighting on the rooftop of the hospital and then fucking each other senseless…"
#20: Hospital rooftop fight transforms into violent physical sparring which then turns into intense, violent and competitive sexing (with no Sakura-chan or Kakashi-sensei to stop us this time)
#24: Curse-Seal Sasuke bangs One-Tailed Naruto at the Valley of the End
"Nice to know your mind was on track during that fight," Sasuke observed sarcastically.
"I wasn't thinking about this then!" Naruto shouted, enraged, "This happened when – just - um – you know…"
"No, I don't," Sasuke leaned forwards, "Do tell."
"You know – after I met you – at Orochimaru's hideout… and I was kind of replaying the fight and – well…"
"You're a pervert," Sasuke rolled his eyes, tapping Naruto's forehead.
"Come on!" Naruto urged him, "We had – we had something there! Tension and – stuff! All the banging into rocks and straddling! Don't tell me you didn't feel something?"
"What was I supposed to feel, your cock?" Sasuke rolled his eyes, "Please Naruto, we were twelve-"
"Well we're not twelve anymore," Naruto argued, "And it's just a few hours away, I'm sure we can take a detour next mission…"
"I don't even have the curse seal anymore, idiot," Sasuke said, shaking his head and wondering why they were even discussing this."
"You can henge it!" Naruto exclaimed.
"You have given way too much thought to this, haven't you?" Sasuke narrowed his eyes.
"…can you even do a one-tailed form without – freaking out?"
"Henge," Naruto muttered, "I've – um – practiced-"
"Practiced?" Sasuke's eyes shot up, "With – what exactly?"
"Well, my clones can henge into you too," Naruto muttered to himself.
Sasuke stared at him for a moment, as the Sharingan bled over his eyes.
"Naruto," he growled.
Naruto grinned slightly.
"Alright, dattebayo – just – save it up – for till we get there – and henge – and then you can beat me into the rocks as much as you like!"
#25: Tender upside-down kiss in the rain at the Valley of End (followed by lots of sex)
"How do you – you fainted! How did you find out?"
"Ehehe… I had this cool dream see, and – wait – find out? You – you actually kissed me?"
"No! Of course not – but I – I – never mind…"
"Wait! Sasuke – tell me!"
#27: Making out on a desk in the Academy classroom
"Why didn't I see this coming?" Sasuke shook his head.
"You really should have," Naruto grinned.
#29: Ramen-flavored lube!
"No! I'm not fucking – you're sick, Naruto!"
"But your cock will taste so much better with that, dattebayo!"
"There's no way I'm putting fucking – ramen – on it-"
"It's not ramen, its ramen-flavored lubricant!"
"Where do you even get that from?"
"I'll swallow you if you do! Twice!"
"Fucking greedy bastard! Three times!"
"Fine – three and a half!"
"…what the fuck is the half, dobe?"
Naruto grinned wickedly.
#30: Tomato-flavored lube
"Nnngh… Sasuke… oh fuck…. do that again… oh fuck… don't stop you bastard… ahhhh…. fuck – I'm coming – I'm – I'm – Sasuke? What the fuck! Come back!"
Sasuke smirked against Naruto's cock, swirling his tongue around the (admittedly delicious tomato-flavored) tip before pulling away, onyx eyes glinting.
"Sasuke," Naruto pleaded, trembling, "Please – don't – why?"
"You gave me three and a half blowjobs last time, Naruto," Sasuke said, his voice deadly soft, "That last half – you didn't fucking finish it."
"But – but – I gave you three good ones before!" Naruto moaned, "You can't just walk away after half! Sasuke – no – don't do this – come back!"
Sasuke gave him a dark look.
"Why are you doing this?" Naruto whimpered, his hand reaching down to grasp his still-erect cock.
"Haven't you heard, Naruto," Sasuke muttered, "I'm an avenger."
#34: Sasuke x Naruko
"Who the fuck is Naruko?"
"Ehehehe…. my sexy no jutsu form…"
"And why would I agree to fucking her?"
"It's still me! With – um – boobs! And no – no cock!"
"…I don't even understand why you'd want this."
"Because – it'd be cool you know! As a girl – having you all hot – and dominating me!"
"…I do that anyways."
"NO YOU DON'T DATTEBAYO! LAST TIME I COUNTED WE WERE 42 TO 43, AND I WAS 43."
"You forgot the three times after – your apartment, on top of the Hokage Mountain and the Uchiha Compound – I topped all three of those – making me 45."
"…whatever! I still really want to know what it'd be like, dattebayo!"
"What what would be like, Naruto?" Sasuke sighed in exasperation.
"You know – um – your hands – on – breasts – and like – fingering me – like the way guys do to girls-"
"It'd be hot. I want to know why chicks dig you so much. Like I get it, but I want to know from like a chick's point of view-"
"You're fucking depraved. I really should leave this village."
"And experience like – like – multiple orgasms! Come on, Sasuke! It'll be awesome! And – wet!"
"…seriously Naruto, if you want any action from me, in girl or guy form, stop talking now!"
"Ah, fine! But – hey – you're blushing, teme!"
#35: Naruto x SexynoJutsu!Sasuke (I wonder what she'd be called. I bet she'd be sexy as hell though!)
"Hey Sasuke! So…"
#36: Lesbian no jutsu!
"I dare you to suggest that, Naruto."
"Okay! How about-"
"No sex for a week."
#37: Sasuke x Harem no Jutsu
"No! I agreed to the clones-"
"It was fun!"
"And I agreed to your stupid, retarded jutsu-"
"Which was hot – at least now you know what it's like fucking a girl!"
"But I will not agree to them both together deadlast, and if you ask me one more time, I'll Tsukiyomi you!"
"Ah, okay okay, I got it, stop being so pissy… speaking of Tsukiyomi – and um – genjutsu in general…"
#40: Genjutsu-rape in my mind. After crazy fight at Orochimaru's lair in which Sasuke presses up against me and stuff. Potential props: katana (necessary) and Sasuke's weird chest-revealing shirt (though that purple ass-bow should be left out)
"Come on Sasuke, you know you didn't need to grind up against me like that!"
"And whisper all those mocking things seductively in my ear – though by all means, you can reenact that part when we do it this time-"
"There will be no 'this time' Naruto!"
"Also, the katana could be kinky. For slicing clothes away and stuff-"
"Oh my god, you were totally thinking of that too, weren't you, dattebayo?"
"Besides, this is more for you than for me. I know you fantasize about raping me. Now you actually can and I won't even object."
#42: Naruto 'convinces' Sasuke to come back to Konoha by letting Sasuke fuck his mouth - I mean oops, by blowing him.
"Usuratonkachi," Sasuke said, but he was smirking.
"So how about it-"
Sasuke grabbed Naruto by the locks of his hair, and shoved him to his knees roughly.
"But – but we're already in Konoha! The whole point is we have to be outside Konoha so that I can-mmph!"
#43: Special Tsukiyomi: 72 hours of black and white fun!
"You – that – that's a respected and high-level jutsu!" Sasuke sputtered, enraged, "How could you even think of something like that?"
"Meh!" Naruto rolled his eyes, "I have high-level jutsu too, it's just none of them can be modified in a sexual manner… unless you want to have sex in a toad's belly, that I can manage if it's how you roll-"
Sasuke stared at him, an expression akin to terrified shock on his usually stoic countenance.
"Yeah, you're right," Naruto said patronizingly, "Since you don't have the stamina to keep up with me otherwise, I thought it was the only way… but I guess you don't have enough talent with genjutsu to pull it off…"
"You want to bet on that?" Sasuke growled, eyes morphing into the Mangekyou Sharingan.
"You bet I do!" Naruto shot him a thumbs up.
#45: Sage-Mode Naruto and Sasuke
"What's the point of this?"
"You know – variety-"
"And you don't think we have enough – variety – already?" Sasuke almost choked.
"Yeah… but it could be fun!"
"I don't really find your toad eyes a turn-on, you know."
"I'd much prefer looking into blue ones when I'm having sex with you-"
"OH KAMI-SAMA! SASUKE-TEME! THAT WAS THE SWEETEST THING YOU'VE EVER SAID TO ME!"
"Deadlast! Get the fuck off me!"
#47: Threesome with Sakura
"Wait – Naruto – go back – there was something written there-"
"No there wasn't! OH LOOK! THE HOT SPRINGS FANTASY! WE'VE NEVER TRIED THAT BEFORE, WE SHOULD, IT WILL BE FUN!"
#48: Getting it on in the hot springs
"…I really feel bad for those old dudes who came to use the springs after we left…"
#49: Dirty talk (including but not limited to insulting, expletives, threats – and then actual sex-talk)
"I don't see why this needs another number. We do all of the above anyways."
"No we don't! You never sex-talk me!" Naruto pouted, squirming slightly from his position on the bed. Sasuke was hovering over him, dark eyes locked with Naruto's blue ones, their noses brushing.
"I would," Sasuke murmured, sliding his hand up Naruto's thigh to cup hard cock through the orange cloth, "But your cock is always so hard for me before I even touch it… and I actually want to pump you myself so you can come all over my hands… but if I tried dirty-talking you'd come before I even got a chance to touch you…"
His breath was warm and moist against Naruto's ear, and neck, and Naruto could feel Sasuke's wet tongue tracing patterns across his skin - and Sasuke had barely slipped his hands into Naruto's pants when the blonde came, with a loud moan, into his toad-patterned boxers.
#50: Wartime sex-battle (Potential props: kunai, shuriken, fuuma shuriken)
"I rather like this one," Sasuke smirked, pushing Naruto down none to gently, and straddling him.
Naruto's eyes darkened as Sasuke trailed the kunai teasingly across his bear chest.
"You would… you sadistic bastard…"
#53: TailedBeast!Naruto x EMS!Sasuke
"I will totally top this time around, teme!"
"Bring it on, dobe."
#55: Strengthening our 'bonds' – literally.
"Bonds?" Sasuke raised an eyebrow.
"Bonds," Naruto nodded solemnly, "Like – you know – bondage – get it? Haha."
"I was thinking chakra threads because razor wire may be a little bit painful," Naruto went on, "but if you were feeling more masochistic, we could do that too-"
"Who says I'm going to be the one bound, dobe?"
#58: ANBU!Sasuke x ANBU!Naruto (I think I have a fetish for Sasuke's arm guards)
"I'm surprised this didn't come sooner," Sasuke said smirking, "With a Jounin variety…"
"We could do that," Naruto grinned at him, before his face suddenly fell.
"What's wrong?" Sasuke asked immediately.
"Sasuke… you do realize…" Naruto said mournfully, "That we - we're technically – not even Chuunin yet…"
"Good job dobe," Sasuke said sourly, "You just killed my sex drive."
#60: RokudaimeHokage!Naruto bangs Sasuke on the Hokage's desk (potential prop: that hat, those robes, nothing underneath)
"Don't you think this should wait until you're actually Hokage?"
"But then it won't be as fun!"
"I'm sure it will. Besides, that room is heavily guarded. Even if you manage to get rid of Tsunade-sama, this would never work. They'd exile us or something if we tried. Plus, I'm pretty sure those stupid elders spy on Tsunade every now and then and I can't bear the thought of them seeing-"
"Fine, fine, we'll wait till I'm Hokage!"
"Because I am going to be Hokage one day. Believe it!"
"I thought you'd stopped saying that stupid phrase?"
"Just for old time's sake… anyways... moving on... number sixty-one..."
#61: Icha Icha Paradise Cosplay!
"No! Has Kakashi corrupted you or something? What's wrong with you?"
"I'm not pretending to be someone from those perverted books!"
"Guess that means we'll have to skip sixty-two, sixty-three and sixty four too," Naruto said sadly, "That's too bad... you may have liked the Icha Icha Violence cosplay..."
#70: Getting it on when-
"No, you know what, forget it," Sasuke shook his head.
"What!" Naruto screeched, "Why? It was a really good one! You've been going along with them till now! Most of them anyways – I still think the lesbian no jutsu would be really hot-"
"No," Sasuke said, glaring at Naruto, before his lips quirked upwards, "We've done enough of your depraved fantasies, and I'm done with them because-"
"Why?" Naruto wailed, "You like them too! Don't be such an asshole!"
"Because now," Sasuke continued, his onyx eyes glinting, "It's my turn to decide."
Author's Note: Wheeeee that was so much fun hehehehehehe!
You know what sucks though? They don't have strike-throughs. Some of those things were supposed to be struck through (as if Naruto had written them and then scribbled them out) - like the threesome one. But oh well #fanfictionproblems
Anyways I hope you derived some amount of enjoyment from that rather insane piece. I'm getting so obnoxiously perverted with my fics nowadays. Oh well. Read and review, okay, my lovelies!