Writer's Note: Yes you're not imaging it. This fanfic has finally been updated! So what have I been up to? Well I've been focussed on getting though my school work and looking for work. No one told me that adult life was going to be so hard. So yeah, life been busy as hell. Other than that I've been suffering from major writer's block. I feel no urge to write for ages. Thankfully my urge has returned. So I hope you enjoy this chapter! Hope you guys enjoy it again.
Another Note: Starting this chapter, this fanfic has a beta! Assistedrealityinterface. Be sure to go send her some love over at archiveofourown.
Also, only one character gets sorted in this chapter, because I haven't decided where everyone will go. So if guys have any preferences, let me know! If not, I'll just put the other characters though a sorting quiz.
Warnings: The Fourth wall no longer exist. Many lame jokes, and references are had. Thor and Loki make out, and Severus Snape is god's gift to men. This is a crack fanfiction, and as shocking as this sounds...things are going get weirded started soon. Hold on to your minds readers, starting next chapter, things are going to get crazier.
Pairings: Steve/Tony, Loki/Thor, One sided!Chekhov/Steve, Bros!Clint and Bruce/Hulk, Clint/Natasha, One sided!Phil/Steve, Bros!Phil and Tony, Dumbledore/Severus, One sided!Voldemort/Severus, One sided!Harry and Harry/?.
Disclaimer: Sadly I still do not own the avengers, or any of the marvel characters that appear in this fanfiction. I also don't own any of the characters from Harry Potter, the amazing J.K. Rowling owns them. The only characters I own are the narrator, chekhov, the little old lady Freddy Gwen, Renner and the death eater-in-the-front-row.
Chapter Sixteen- In which Steve gets another admirer, and the dark lord plots
Deep in the mountain caves, the dark lord sat plotting. He was alone at the moment, for he had sent his followers away. Lord Voldemort didn't usually think though his plans; he usually just tortured people or killed people to get what he wanted. He wasn't a mastermind like Lex Luthor. Usually Lord Voldemort was fine with this; to him killing someone seem like the more simple thing to do. Why waste brain power on thinking on a plan that may not work out? Hell wasn't, that alien in the red underwear still flying around? This master plan thing sure wasn't working for Lex.
Turning his mind off his fellow villain, Lord Voldemort turned his mind back to the problem at hand. For the first time in his life he was thinking of creating a master plan. He was going after the most powerful force in the literary world. He couldn't just go in wand swingin; well, he could but how would his magic work on a thing that didn't have a physical form? Lord Voldemort sat and thought.
'This coming up with a plan thing is hard...' He thought to himself, a displeased frown crawled across his face. 'Lex makes it look so easy.' He stopped then, and pulled his wand from his robes. 'Maybe I should call him...he does owe me a favour...". He rolled his wand in his hand, 'No, I can do this. I can think of a plan!'. He smiled then, "Yes, I will make a wonderful plan, a plan so masterful that when I tell it at the next villain meeting...Lex will go green with jealousy." Lord Voldemort nodded his head, "Anyways there is enough characters running around in this fic anyway, really shouldn't bring anyone else in." With that obvious fourth wall joke out of the way, Lord Voldemort went back to thinking.
It was this scene that the death eater-in-the-front-row walked into. The moment the, unnamed death eater wondered if he had walked into some kind of twilight zone. He had never seen his master thinking before!
Lord Voldemort, naturally, noticed that he was no longer alone in his cave. His thoughts had been invaded by this catchy but annoying song, that the death eater-in-the-front-row always had stuck in his head. Annoyed that his plotting had been interrupted, he stood up and pointed his wand at the death eater-in-the-front-row.
"What is it?! Can't you see that I am plotting?!"
"I'm so sorry my dark lord!" The death eater-in-the-front-row cried, dropping to his knees, "Please forgive me!"
Rolling his eyes, Lord Voldemort return his wand to his inside pocket of his robes, "Oh get up, you're embarrassing yourself. What is it that you want? And no I will not belly dance for you!"
The death eater-in-the-front-row quickly stood, his face a bright red. "I have a message for you my lord!"
Lord Voldemort waved his left hand, " Yes, do go on. I do have plotting to do you know".
The death eater-in-the-front-row took a big breathe, rushing out the message, "The narrator is at Hogwarts, and is planning to have the Avengers sorted."
Lord Voldemort stared, "Who told you this?"
Upon hearing that name, Lord Voldemort face lit up in a large smile. Several young birds fell to their deaths.
"Oh Severus told you, how did my beloved send this message to you, oh death eater in-the-front-row?"
Seeing as he wasn't standing in any line, or sitting in a large group of people...the death eater in-the-front-row was a bit upset to be addressed as such. But he was not foolish enough to correct his master. He had been present the last time someone had corrected his lord. He was still taking wizard therapy.
"Well sir, he send a owl. It was quite displeased to deal with. It kept trying to peck out my eyes..." He stopped, quickly noticing that his dark lord was no longer listening to him.
Lord Voldemort, was in a state of lovesickness. He sighed, "Oh Severus, you genius. How do you do it? Sending a owl without Dumbledore's knowledge? And a owl...how adorable, my dark prince."
Lord Voldemort did something then that look much like a fangirl swooning.
The death eater in-the-front-row mentally noted to make another date with his therapist.
It also became clear to him that he was no longer needed so he bowed to his dark lord and quickly ran off. Leaving Lord Voldemort to swoon over Severus Snape, forgetting to return to his plotting.
Meanwhile, far away in Hogwarts, Severus Snape suddenly shivered. He suddenly felt like a cold dead eye was looking him up and down. He shook off the feeling, instead turning his attention to the events going on in the hospital room.
Steve, now very much awake, stared in awe at Harry Potter. He gaze seemed to be full of stars, as he eyed Harry up and down. Harry, himself, took the stare with glace. In fact he seemed to be enjoying Steve's staring.
Tony noticed this, and glared at the young teen, "Well if it isn't the angst filled protagonist. What are you doing here?!"
Harry, who had been enjoying the stare of a lovely looking man, turned to glare at the other man in the room.
"I believe I asked that question first goatee man, who are you people, and what are you doing at Hogwarts?"
Dumbledore stepped out from his position behind Severus (a position he had been using to stare lovingly at Severus' ass), to answer Harry's question.
"Harry, these people are called the Avengers,...and friends..." He waved his arm out, to include everyone in his statement. When he said friends, his arm stopped at Thor and Loki...who once again were making out like it was going out of style.
"Friends huh," Harry said, staring at Thor and Loki in strange fascination.
Dumbledore coughed, "Yes." He then pointed to each avenger, including them one by one to Harry.
Steve was not the only one fanboying. Even Clint was staring at Harry, "Dude. You're Harry Potter."
Harry laughed, "Yes I am. Well I was the last time I checked."
Severus snorted in the background, "Now that we all been introduced, should we get to the sorting?"
Dumbledore nodded, "Yes, good point Severus. I believe our friends have been waiting long enough."
"WE ARE GOING TO GET SORTED?!" Steve cried out, his voice full of fanboy glee. Up to this point, he has been bust staring at Harry, like he was a beautiful piece of art.
For you see, back in the Avenger's world, Tony had made it his goal to introduce Steve to the world of pop culture. To say Steve was a large Harry Potter fan would be putting it mildly. He was such a big fan that he owned his own wand, had sorted himself on pottermore and had read each book of the series eight times. So to find himself in the world of Harry Potter was a dream come true.
"Why yes; would you like to go first my friend?" Dumbledore said with a grin, enjoying the waves of pure happiness coming off Steve in waves.
He wasn't the only one. Tony, Phil, Chekhov, and Harry all sighed, looking at Steve lovingly. Tony, of course, noticed that he was not the only one drinking in how beautiful Steve was at this moment. How Steve smile lit up his face, and how his eyes seemed even bluer. Or how in his excitement to get to the sorting hat, he had tried to get up...making his shirt roll up, thus showing off a bit of his stomach.
Tony, stared at him. Drinking it all in. To think that because of his stupid actions in the twilight world, that he could have lost Steve. That he would have never seen his smile again.
The realization hit then. He had no right to look; he had harmed Steve. He had no right to even be standing next to him.
Tony took a step away from the hospital bed, his face emotionless, 'I don't deserve to even be in his presence.'
Before he could walk away, Steve noticed Tony moving away out of the corner of his eye, and motioned to Natasha with his head to step in Tony's way.
"Natasha, please move." Tony groaned, knowing even as those words passed his lips that their was no way that Natasha would do as he asked.
He was right of course, as Natasha just smirked at him, before taking his arm and forcing him to turn back around.
Steve was staring at him now, a frown on his face. His bottom lip pointing out, giving three men in the room the sudden urge to step forward and bite it.
"Tony, are you blaming yourself again?"
Tony, who had been staring at Steve's lip like they were the most beautiful thing he had ever seen, did a double take. 'How the hell does he do that? How can he read my mind so easily?'
"Maybe because you just said that out loud." Steve said. He then let out a sigh, like he was tired of Tony always beating himself up. Which he was.
"Tony, I told you to drink from me. I made that choice. You are not at fault. Do you understand, I am not blaming you. AND NO ONE ELSE DOES EITHER...RIGHT?!" He finished threateningly, shooting glares at the other avengers.
"Of course not! No blaming Tony happening here!" Clint cried, his arms shooting up in the air, like Steve had suddenly pulled a gun out on him.
"Good. Cause it isn't his fault. Now then, can you bring the sorting hat here." He said with a smile, turning to meet Severus' eye. As the sorting hat was still sitting in his arms.
Severus, surprised by the earlier rage, quickly shook himself and walked forward. He pushed the Avenger aside, making his way to Steve's bedside.
"Here you go." With that said, Severus let the hat fall from his arms and onto Steve's head. With his purpose in this chapter done, Severus walked out of the room. Ignoring the looks that Dumbledore and Harry sent his backside.
'Why oh why have I been attracting so much attention lately?' He moaned to himself, as he walked off cruising fanfic writers and Alan Rickman for his new sexual attraction to other people.
The sorting hat, who had been waiting for a very long time, like it almost feel like months, opened its mouth.
"So can I sort now? I do have more things to do today you know. A hat's life is a very busy affair."
Dumbledore laughed, "Yes, please go ahead Sorting hat."
With that the sorting hat turned his attention to the mind of one Steve Rogers.
He was quickly overwhelmed, never had he read a mind like this one. It was a pure good mind. There was no sense of evil at all in this mind. Steve Rogers was a person that lived to help others, who was kind and compassionate. Who loved with all his heart, and stood up for what he believed in.
If the sorting hat could feel complex emotions, he too would have fallen in love with Steve, instead he just let out a whistle.
"Oh my, what a mind you got here Rogers."
Steve smiled, "Thank you Mr. Hat."
The shorting hat grinned, 'Well I know the house I'm putting you in." With that the sorting hat let out a roar, "HUFFLEPUFF!"
There were some clapping, but most of the avengers look amazed by this announcement.
Clint let his displeasure out, "Hufflepuff?! HUFFLEPUFF?! You mean the house that are good finders?"
There was then a roar of pure rage, and Clint suddenly found himself face to face with a very a angry Harry Potter.
"Hufflepuff is a great house, it is a house full of kind and brave people. They are the house that will always be your side, and will do what is right. Even is they die...".
It became quite clear then, that Harry wasn't talking about a house.
Clint, who suddenly felt like a dick, put a hand on Harry's shoulders. "Sorry. I know Hufflepuff isn't bad. I was just a little shocked is all, I thought Steve would be a Gryffindor."
Steve, who had taken off the sorting hat at this point, finally spoke up. "Why would you think that? I am always a Hufflepuff."
The group turned to him, Steve was basically beaming, "I am so happy, I was worry that maybe pottermore was wrong. But I am. I'm a Hufflepuff."
The smile that then appeared on his face, was the most beautiful smile that many in that room had ever seen.
Harry stared at that smile, and remember another. A smile that had been giving to him a couple years ago. A smile given to him in a corridor.
While earlier Harry had been attracted to Steve, it was then that he fell in love. Steve was so much...like HIM. That Harry could not help but fall in love.
Tony, who had been standing right next to Clint, and thus had gotten full force of angry Potter, noticed this.
'Oh god no. Not another one. Why must everyone fall in love with you Steve!?' Tony groaned, at the realization that he had another person to worry about.
He looked then at Steve, who noticing Tony's stares, smiled up at him. Tony heart grew two sizes, 'But that okay. Cause I will fight for your heart Steve. No matter how many people fall for you. I will fight for you, cause you are worth it.'
The Narrator, who could read thoughts, gave out a fangirl sigh.
He was ignored by everyone, as Steve had passed the hat on to Tony. Who was now setting it upon his head.
"Now then.." The sorting hat said, "Where shall I put you?"
End of Chapter 16~